Another wedding one!

[paddypants13]

Hi,

I am supposed to be attending a family wedding abroad (mainland Europe) but I will be 36/37 weeks pregnant.

I really want to go and had fully intended to but I have discovered I cannot get travel insurance. I think I would be an absolute fool to travel without insurance esp' at such a risky time and my DH agrees.

However, the rest of my family thinks we're being ridiculous and should go and the bride is already annoyed at us because we were not intending to arrive more than 2 days before the wedding and we were going to leave the day after.

My DD who will be 2 and 1/2 will be a flower girl and the bride wants her to attend a rehearsal, which is fair enough but she can't tell us the date for this!

My suggestion is my DH and DD go and I stay here.

I am worried the the bride and her family will stop speaking to me altogether. They are already angry with me because I was unable to attend my uncle's funeral 2 years ago. This was a combination of the laws over there dictating that a funeral must be held 5 days and so many hours after the death, the fact that I had just had a baby and couldn't get a passport for my DD in time and lack of funds due to maternity leave.

AIBU not to attend this wedding? Thanks.

[ChangingTiming]

Well done, hope that's the end of it

[bigbumtheory]

Does even not dies

[bigbumtheory]

Well done op. Your mum is being an idiot, if she dies blackmail: so you think I should risk me or unborn dc being ill then?

[Waltermittythesequel]

Well done!

It really wasn't possible. I just hope they treat your dh well.

[paddypants13]

Walter - I think the problem with my mum is she's too nice and listens to all the sob stories. She also knows I wanted to go if at all possible. I also think she disapproves of us having another child but that's another story for another thread!!

The deed is done, I have told Bridezilla that I cannot go because of the insurance situation and that I will not risk my baby by travelling without. She seemed ok about it but we'll see. DH and DD are still going. Told my mum too and she was dissappointed but so far ok. No doubt I'll get a few calls and emails over the next few weeks with some emotional blackmail but I will not be changing my mind.

Thanks for the sound advice. xx

[bigbumtheory]

I dont think this is about weddings bringing out the worse, the bride sounds like she always was tiptoed around and treated with mid gloves. Bridezilla behaviour comes naturally to them because that are always like that anyway.

Sometimes rational people lose their heads but 9/10 a bride/groom/guestzilla has always been that way and so acts just the same! It's just directed at you...

[Hersetta427]

No need to lie at all. simply say you are not allowed to fly. I don't know who you were thinking of flying with but here are Ryanair's and BA's policies which both say the same. You are not allowed to fly after 36 weeks.

www.ryanair.com/en/terms-and-conditions/regulations-pregnancy/

www.britishairways.com/travel/healthplan/public/en_gb#

[Skiptonlass]

Yanbu. My work are pressing me to go to two international meetings at a similar time. I told them that, " this will not be possible. I will be x weeks and thus unable to fly." Full stop, no apology. They kicked up a fuss but I kept my cool and didn't apologise. No airline will take you then - you are effectively at term. No one will insure you.

Why do weddings make people so crazy?!

[Waltermittythesequel]

What's all this nonsense about their ire being directed at your dh?

Have you told them explicity that you don't want to go??

No doctor or midwife worth anything would let you travel then anyway.

Your mum doesn't sound terribly nice if I'm honest; prioritising bridezilla's wedding over her own dd and dgc!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Amber and OP - can't believe these people and OP YANBU at all!

Amber I bet in your case your uncle would also be one of those whingers on the plane who then complains about crying baby on flight (despite this flight not being necessary, v young baby etc) etc... you just can't win sometimes can you?!

[AmberLav]

Can't add anything more to what has already been said, but in general, I am amazed that any bride would put pressure on a heavily pregnant woman to go to a wedding!

That said, I think my uncle is still not happy that I didn't make my gran's funeral when I was exclusively bfing my 4 month old, and the funeral was 500 miles away at 9.30am in the morning (couldn't get there in the morning, so would have had to have flown with baby the day before, with no travel cot etc), but would have lasted till about 5pm, and I was flying to spain on holiday with the whole family at 8.30am the next day. DH wouldn't let me go (and I agreed) in case I couldn't get back home that evening, and ruined our family holiday, which Gran would never have wanted... Some people are just point scorers, yet they miss out on the important things, like loving each other...

Best of luck with the irrational relatives!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I'd pull your whole family out and not bother sending your DH and DD if it were me. Make some excuse about DD being high maintenance when you are not around. No bride wants a whinging 2.5 yr old around so that's your Ace card

Insurance is only one issue - I wouldn't rely on it personally as they will simply give you some line about "lots of people travel without insurance, blah di blah". The practical reality is that you could have a fast labour en route or on the way back and be stuck hundreds of miles from family in either direction trying to get emergency passport documentation from a consulate to let you return home..... life's too short.

No airline will sign you off to travel. It's ill advised to travel by car that late in pregnancy and even if you were prepared to consider it, you'd have to get details of every maternity hospital between here and the middle of Europe.

Sh*t happens, babies get born and the timing cannot and should not be held against you. I missed my own sisters wedding as it was 4 days after my due date. DD was two weeks early but only my Dad suggested that I might make it home [post CS without a passport for DD]. That was a short conversation. Hilariously, even though it was only 4 yrs ago, my sister recently commented about her wedding day and had completely forgotten that I wasn't there.

Skype them on the day with best wishes and if they are the type to hold grudges over something like this then they really, truly are not worth keeping in contact with. Promise to come and visit in the Autumn and watch the wedding video in full. That's more than anyone should have to commit to!!

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

The rest of the extended family know what she's like but she seems to have some sort of grip over my mum.

YANBU I think I'd be more upset about my mum putting pressure on than my cousin.

If your mum says anything then I think you should sit her down, look her in the eye, and say I know x is your niece but I am your daughter and I'm shocked, hurt, upset and disappointed that you would prioritise your niece and her wedding over the health of your daughter and unborn grandchild.

That may just ease that grip a little bit.

[00100001]

This cousin is being a wanker, I hate how weddings bring out the worst of some people in what is supposed to be a happy occasion!

[Collaborate]

Might you suggest that they let you have a valuation of their house, a mortgage statement, and then a charge on their house to cover loss of earnings and any hospital costs in the event that you or your baby need medical treatment while abroad? Oh, and don't forget to cover loss of earnings and accommodation in all of that.

There's a reason that you can't get insurance for this sort of thing. It's too likely to happen, and it's hideously expensive when it does.

[PlumpingThePartTimeMother]

Ask a doctor for a letter stating that you can NOT fly. Take a photo of it/scan it and send it to them. Make sure the GP surgery address and doctor's name are on it for when your charming relatives decide to 'check you story'

They sound like self-centred twats. Please don't stress yourself out over people who are belittling your very valid concerns, and please consider whether you want your daughter to grow up watching you placate people of this type.

[Mousefinkle]

My DH did have to go away for three days for work when I was this stage with Dc2. I remember us panicking that something would happen and he'd miss the birth but in the end she came late just as DC1 had. So if you were overdue or on time with DC1 chances are you will be this time too... Just saying, you'll probably be okay with your DH and DD going alone. I don't see what their issue is with that arrangement, she gets her flower girl (which seemingly is the only reason she's having a bitch fit over it) and you get to sit at home with your feet up for a couple of days.

Just tell them airlines won't accept you, you can't get insurance, it's too risky, the doctor won't let you fly... It's just not a good idea.

[WireCat]

You won't be able to fly. No matter what your cousin wants or says.

No way could you go without insurance. Imagine the medical costs if anything happened! Would they contribute to them?!

[Hersetta427]

This is a complete non talking point as airlines will not let you fly after 36 weeks anyway. End of story.

[VeryAgedParent]

Actually Op if you tried to board a plane I think you would be refused. I believe obviously very pregnant women get asked by airline staff how many weeks they are and are they insured, I think its airline policy.
YANBU at all you can't possibly travel all that way by car and ferry either you could run the risk of DVT or, worse case scenario giving birth en route. I would just tell them your doctor and your midwife have said "Out of the question"

[paddypants13]

Bettybyebye I forgot to say hope your son is doing well. What terrible luck on holiday.

Maddening, the bride is my cousin but we are a very close family. She often uses emotional blackmail to get her own way (she's not a bad person, just rather self centered).
The rest of the extended family know what she's like but she seems to have some sort of grip over my mum.

We have decided to tell her today that I will not be attending because of the insurance issue. If she throws a strop DD and DH will not be going either. As for the wedding rehearsal if she can't tell us when it is until 2 weeks before, we can't guarantee DD will be there.

My unborn DC is not going to be treated as an inconvenience to her!

Thanks so much for all the advice, I think I just needed to hear it from people not directly involved. xx

[BlinkAndMiss]

I'm completely baffled as to why any member of your family are huffy about the possibility of you not attending a wedding abroad at this late stage of your pregnancy. Has your mum been understanding at all?

You absolutely should not go, nor should your DH, you could go into labour at any time and you could also develop complications at any time. I very much doubt you could get a fit to fly confirmation from your dr and no airline will take on the risk without it. The decision is going to be taken out of your hands and maybe you could get this is writing to show the selfish members of your family that they should be more understanding.

Don't feel guilty, the bride is being a bitch and if she decides to have children then you absolutely must bring this up with her when she reaches this stage too. Maybe then she'll have more of an idea of what it's actually like. FWIW I'm 35 weeks, usually very healthy and have had a previously uncomplicated preganacy and I can't even get a fit to work note let alone the go ahead to leave the country.

[ooerrmissus]

Quite apart from anything else, your family are getting huffy because you are unwilling to risk your health and that of you unborn child for the sake of a party.

I wouldn't be going anywhere. They can huff all they like but they aren't my priority. If they can't understand how unreasonable they are being I would be cutting or reducing contact.

[maddening]

What relation are bride and groom to you?

Yanbu anyway but just feel it would add context eg your dsis could understand her upset but she wbu to insist you travel at this stage without insurance, a cousin or more distant could take a running jump imo.

[OhMittens]

EHIC wouldn't cover for specialist transfers though, would it? If a patient needed flying home in a special care unit, for example?