AIBU....its me or the dog.

[Dalfie]

Let me start off by saying I haven't given the ultimatum as the title suggests - I just thought it was the most appropriate way of titling the situation.

Me and my partner have been together 18 months. Known each other 10 years.

We have recently been discussing moving in together to a 3 bed home. I have 2 children of my own from a previous relationship - he also has 2 of whom he has overnight on a Saturday & Sunday daytime.

We struggle to see each other in the week as he works long night shifts Mon-Fri. Our relationship is progressing nicely and we are now ready to live together which in turn would help the situation of not seeing each other much. Problem is he has a dog of which I am allergic to. When I am around her I come out in hives and get watery eyes. This has been resolved in the short term by taking antihistamines. I am also not an animal lover which he is aware of but in my defence I have tried to make an effort with a dog - but it is just not for me owning a pet. This is my opinion, and I don't begrudge others feelings when it comes to pets and animals.

I cannot live with the dog. It moults alot, leaving hair on every surface/clothing/aggravates my allergy. Due to his working hours it would be my responsibility to look after it during the week with regards to feeding, walks etc and I do not want to do it. I grew up with my parents dog and it was finally a release from it when I moved into my own home. I will be looking after my children full time throughout the week and actively involved with his on the weekend, I don't want to be cleaning up after a dog too I just know I will be miserable.

I have discussed how I feel with my partner and received the response of "the dog came first and she is a family member". There is no compromise. I refuse to live with it and he refuses to give it up. I have not asked him to choose between me and the dog, I respect his wishes and have stated that I am going to have to cease the relationship as there is just no median to the situation. Our relationship is at the stage where we cannot really live apart much longer, it will just fizzle out - we both want to settle down with each other and are very much in love.

He says I am being pathetic and unreasonable, my point is that I cannot help how I feel and neither of us will budge with what we want to do regarding the situation.

I didn't mean to fall in love with a man with a dog - but I just cant live with it. AIBU to walk away from the relationship completely? As much as it hurts, I don't know what else I can do.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

If the dog is in a crate for 12 hours and on a bed with him for 6-8 hours, he doesn't have the time to look after it anyway. Poor dog. If he were actually a dog lover, that dog would have a better life.

[WorraLiberty]

Also the fact he's not walking her is cruel...especially after being locked up for that amount of time, and then spending the day on his bed.

My DH works night shifts and he still walks the dog when he gets home in the morning...same as most of his mates do with theirs.

There is no excuse for treating his dog like this.

[OllyBJolly]

If you really want to make it work, you can do. It sounds like you're making this "live together or else" demand. It's only been 18 months - that's not long when you're looking at bringing two families together.

However, the fact he's a crap dog owner would be a deal breaker for me.

[MissingYouSoMuch]

He won't compromise over something you are considering ending your relationship for

It is a pet not an inanimate object. Compromise shouldn't even come into it. Would you ditch your pet for a relationship? Do you have any pets?

That said, the poor dog does not have a good life so it may not be bad thing if the useless prat re-homes it. 12 hours in a cage FFS.

[Dalfie]

Thanks again for all your input. I too agree that the dog is not well looked after at the moment. I don't know why because he adores her and have never felt it my place to say anything apart from the odd comment and taking it upon myself to walk and bath her.

I suppose I am just clutching at straws and that is why I have posted. I think I know I have to walk away and note it down to experience.

Have to sign off now and get the tea on as kids are home and "dying of hunger" thanks again for taking the time to reply x

[ilovesooty]

In fact if this is how he treats "family members" I can't see why you or your children would be keen to move in.

[WorraLiberty]

And if he can't cope with his dog because he's working night shifts, how on earth will he cope with your 2 kids??

Or more importantly, how will they cope with him?

[shewept]

So he called you pathetic, won't get rid of his dog, treats the dog badly, your relationship is verging on fizzling out......why are you considering moving in together.

It's not really about the dog, imo.

[Branleuse]

if you think the relationship would just fizzle out if you dont move in together, it sounds like its a make or break thing, which rarely work out long term anyway.

You could just stay living seperatly, or split, but you cant move in with the dog, and he shouldnt have to rehome it

[rookiemere]

Do you have to move in together to maintain a relationship?

Leaving aside the dog caring issue, which is a bit of a biggie, you've both got busy lives with DCs and commitments. If you read the Steparents threads you'll see that many wish they had maintained separate properties when the DCs were young.
In your case it isn't optional - you can't move in if his dog gives you allergies, but it doesn't mean that the relationship needs to fizzle out.

[NotNowBono]

The dog is in a cage for TWELVE HOURS at a time? Seriously? Can you imagine having to hold your bladder for twelve hours? Leaving it, loose in the kitchen, would be bad enough for that length of time, but in a cage?

Honestly, OP, if this is true, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship on those grounds alone.

[wowfudge]

Owning a dog is a big commitment OP. I think you are absolutely right to state you won't take his dog on. Given the other things which have come out about him on this thread, he sounds rather selfish.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Leave him and take the dog.............

[londonrach]

He locks the dog in the cage for 12 hours!!!! Im shocked. Poor dog. I have a friend who puts her dog in the cage near the door when she opens the door As her house is on a busy road but said dog only in cage whilst the door is open. 12 hours! What the dog do for water, exercise and toilet. Thats cruel. How big is this cage. Can the dog stand? (Ignores ops original question)

[no73]

I'd be reporting him to the RSPCA and certainly not considering moving in with him. That poor, poor dog.

[Inertia]

He is being very unfair to the dog- if you 'don't have time' to walk a dog, then don't have a dog.

Moving in with him sounds more trouble than its worth.

[dejarderoncar]

If he is cruel to an animal - which he clearly is, he is capable of cruelty to you and especially your children. He is not being neglectful, he is being cruel. He has no empathy. Dump him and report him to the RSPCA or you will be complicit in this cruelty.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Keeping a dog crated for 12 hours at a time is very, very cruel. Not walking the dog on top of that... fucking hell I'm just lost for words.

There is no way I could love a man who treats an animal that way, let alone contemplate moving in with him.

Whether you end the relationship or not, please summon the gumption to tell him straight that he is being very cruel to a creature he professes to love.

[catsdogsandbabies]

If you care to google treating a dog like that is illegal. Would you want your kids living with someone cruel to a pet? The allergy etc is irrelevant, he is cruel to animals, deal breaker for me.

[BigFatPanda]

How did you cope so long with your parents dog?

[pluCaChange]

" Our relationship is at the stage where we cannot really live apart much longer, it will just fizzle out - we both want to settle down with each other and are very much in love."

The two halves of this sentence are incompatible... and you two sound incompatible... and his life sounds incompatible with his dog's happiness*... Not good, all round.

• I'm NOT a dog lover, but do feel that's a really crappy way to treat an dog.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Due to his working hours it would be my responsibility to look after it during the week with regards to feeding, walks etc and I do not want to do it."
I read this and thought 'Well, clearly someone take care of it now - who?'. And then your later posts showed that this poor dog simply isn't cared for at all ! It's just my opinion, but I tend to believe that someone who will be bad to an animal has very little difficulty being bad to a human. I would be very wary of someone who neglected their dog as he is doing. He is NOT an animal lover.

"He says I am being pathetic and unreasonable, my point is that I cannot help how I feel and neither of us will budge with what we want to do regarding the situation."
Seriously, you're allergic and he says you're pathetic? No sympathy, just trying to shame/guilt you into toeing his line? Red flag waving!


You have difficulty seeing each other Mon-Fri due to his shifts, and when you see each other at the weekends, the children are a big part of the focus. Could I just suggest to you - you really really don't know this man at all well. I know you've known him for 10 years, but for the purpose of living together - you are practically strangers.

I would cool the relationship. He prioritises you lower than the dog he shamefully neglects. He is not a keeper.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Way to do a thread, OP.

Eye catching title..massive drip feed...and then you have to go. I bet.

[londonrach]

Please please op release the dog from her prison. I cant sleep tonight knowing shes locked away. What breed? Poor dog!