AIBU....its me or the dog.

[Dalfie]

Let me start off by saying I haven't given the ultimatum as the title suggests - I just thought it was the most appropriate way of titling the situation.

Me and my partner have been together 18 months. Known each other 10 years.

We have recently been discussing moving in together to a 3 bed home. I have 2 children of my own from a previous relationship - he also has 2 of whom he has overnight on a Saturday & Sunday daytime.

We struggle to see each other in the week as he works long night shifts Mon-Fri. Our relationship is progressing nicely and we are now ready to live together which in turn would help the situation of not seeing each other much. Problem is he has a dog of which I am allergic to. When I am around her I come out in hives and get watery eyes. This has been resolved in the short term by taking antihistamines. I am also not an animal lover which he is aware of but in my defence I have tried to make an effort with a dog - but it is just not for me owning a pet. This is my opinion, and I don't begrudge others feelings when it comes to pets and animals.

I cannot live with the dog. It moults alot, leaving hair on every surface/clothing/aggravates my allergy. Due to his working hours it would be my responsibility to look after it during the week with regards to feeding, walks etc and I do not want to do it. I grew up with my parents dog and it was finally a release from it when I moved into my own home. I will be looking after my children full time throughout the week and actively involved with his on the weekend, I don't want to be cleaning up after a dog too I just know I will be miserable.

I have discussed how I feel with my partner and received the response of "the dog came first and she is a family member". There is no compromise. I refuse to live with it and he refuses to give it up. I have not asked him to choose between me and the dog, I respect his wishes and have stated that I am going to have to cease the relationship as there is just no median to the situation. Our relationship is at the stage where we cannot really live apart much longer, it will just fizzle out - we both want to settle down with each other and are very much in love.

He says I am being pathetic and unreasonable, my point is that I cannot help how I feel and neither of us will budge with what we want to do regarding the situation.

I didn't mean to fall in love with a man with a dog - but I just cant live with it. AIBU to walk away from the relationship completely? As much as it hurts, I don't know what else I can do.

[magoria]

He says you are pathetic and unreasonable for not wanting to live with an animal which you are allergic to. He is very unreasonable to say this. He is happy for you to have to take drugs or suffer for the next 5/10 however many years.

Why would it be your job to look after it or his DC?

I don't think you are compatible if he thinks this or expects this of you.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You are allergic, not pathetic.

Don't date someone with a dog next time.

Very sorry it didn't work out

[Blistory]

Can you take a longer term view if your allergy can be controlled ?

A lifetime with him, a few years with him and his dog. Each to their own but I'd not want to be with someone who took on responsibility for another living being and then walked away.

Tough call but I wouldn't give up my dogs for a partner - they are a commitment, a responsibility and a joy.

[landrover]

Am slightly confused that you say you will be doing all the dog looking after? Who does it now?

[justonemoretime2p]

If it was DP or my dogs, she would be out.

[MeggyMooAndTinkerToo]

I don't expect him to and have told him that I respect his wishes and to keep his dog and the life he has now and I will go.

Well go then. Clearly you can't move in with your allergy and are not willing to live in a separate home any longer. WTF did you think would happen when you knew the relationship was getting serious? Did you expect him to rehome his beloved dog so you could move in? A word of advice avoid dating dog owners in future!

[Dalfie]

Neither, I have stated that I cant do it and the only outcome is for us to break up, put it down to being incompatible and to move on. I don't want him to give the dog up - I know it would break his heart. I just don't know what to do other than leave.

[Dalfie]

You cant help who you fall for....there were deep set feelings years ago which couldn't be acted upon at the time. I fell for him all over again years later - I was so struck with the fact that he came back into my life that the dog wasn't even considered for a while.

[MissingYouSoMuch]

There is nothing else you can do OP. Why did you post this as AIBU if you already knew he would not give up the dog and you had no intention of giving him an ultimatum? Just curious? Are you hoping he will get rid of the dog? If you think anything of him you will bow out gracefully without guilt tripping him.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

But who looks after the dog in the week now?

[Blistory]

Dogs are messy, cause inconvenience, loss of spontaneity etc etc. Dog owners put up with that because of what they get in return.

You're not going to have any of the good bits which could cause real resentment, leaving aside the allergy.

Either you leave, carry on as you are or you find a way for this dog to become a welcome part of your lives together.

[landrover]

"Due to his working hours, I would be responsible for looking after the dog and feeding it" So, who doe that at the moment OP? Have you looked into dog daycare at all? Maybe stay with him at weekends only?

[Dalfie]

I would be looking after the dog as even though i don't like them - I think the way it is looked after at the moment is unfair.

It is locked in a cage whilst he is at work 6pm-6am. It is then on his bed whilst he sleeps in the daytime.

I was the last person to walk her the last 4-5 times and the last to bath her as I felt sorry for her.

He says the reason she isn't walked etc is because he just doesn't seem to have the time since we got together. I find this strange as we rarely see each other Mon to Fri.

I'm not trying to paint him and his dog rearing skills in a bad light to big up my side of the argument, I just know it will be left to me to look after if he isn't tending to her properly now.

[maddy68]

My husband is wasallergic to my cats. He takes a daily anti histamine and copes fine. In fact I would say he probably doesn't need them anymore I think he's become desensitised.

[Charis1]

I don't think this wil ever work, there is no way you can expect someone to "get rid of" part of their family.

[MissingYouSoMuch]

It is locked in a cage whilst he is at work 6pm-6am. It is then on his bed whilst he sleeps in the daytime

Bloody hell....

[MissingYouSoMuch]

Am beginning to think the dog would be better off being re-homed if that is how he treats it

[Mrsstarlord]

Why not carry on with the antihistamine if you love him that much?
It's wrong to get rid of a dog because your circumstances change.
YABU

[magoria]

Wow poor bloody dog.

Locked in a cage 12 hours then on a bed another what 6/8 hours?

He never walks or baths it and it is now your fault.

[HazleNutt]

Poor dog

Actually, I have changed my mind - yes, he should get rid of the dog, the poor animal deserves a family that doesn't neglect her. No time to walk the dog, ever?

[WorraLiberty]

Jesus christ, he locks a 3yr old dog in a cage for 12 hours??

I'd sooner punch him in the nuts than move in with him.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

It doesn't sound like the poor dog has a great life now .

Would he be willing to compromise at all? The dog could go to kennels during the day, it would be expensive but presumably you will save some money if you move in together that could help toward this.

Then dog could go in her cage at night, no wonder your allergies are so bad if she's shedding all over the bed.

You could also take her to a groomer's frequently to reduce hair and dander, and it is possible that your allergic response will reduce due to exposure. I'm allergic to cats but used to own two and still have one. I do not react to her at all anymore, although I have to friend's cats.

BUT I do think you should think twice before moving in. He won't compromise over something you are considering ending your relationship for- are you really suited to be together? Apologies if the last paragraph offends, I know you didn't ask for relationship advice

[ilovesooty]

I don't think I'd consider moving in with someone who treats a dog like this either.

[landrover]

OMG seriously, is that how he treats the dog? Please dump him and take the dog instead!!! Please get him to look at dog day care,its about 15 quid a day and would be fantastic. God that is so awful. Im really sorry for you now OP, surely he must know that this is not right?