Spent my 30's having children. What happens next?

[MojoWanted]

Hi there.

Name changed for this one. Bit of a silly title but I don't really know how to word what I am feeling. It feels like a blinked and went from celebrating my 30th birthday to approaching my 40th in less than a year.

I have 4 kids, from 3 months to 8 yrs old. Life is busy, but 2 are at school.

I felt excited at first at the prospect of no more pregnancies, being able to think about myself and what I want to do next. Now I just feel overwhelmed, angry, hugely f*ing fed up, slightly depressed in a 'blues' way not a 'can't get out of bed way'.

How did you deal with this change from producing babies and being a stay at home mum, to needing/wanting to do more or at least have a plan once you had finished having babies?

I know many out there will have kept their careers going, but I'm aiming this at those who didn't, like me. I would love to return to work but don't know where to start. At almost 40 I can't afford to make the wrong decision. Looking at GCSE courses today and I can't even make any sense of it all .....

[sosix]

Op Im also at the stage were Ive had my last baby and all that goes with that to thinking about me. I am hoping to re-train in my dream job when youngest at school in a few years. I also have 4 and spent from 23-34 having them. Im scared!

[juneau]

I can completely relate to what you describe - this feeling of being rather lost, redundant, wondering what comes next, how to get there and how to be taken seriously after several years out of work.

However, with your last DC being so young I think you should take the pressure off yourself a little bit and spend this time thinking about what you'd like to do. What are your interests? What job would make you jump out of bed in the morning? Is it something your previous jobs or qualifications could help you to achieve? Do you need to study further? Could you try some volunteer work locally?

I've been a SAHM for seven years and its only recently that I've finally accepted that what I want to do as a job is what interests me and always has - i.e. what I did my degree in and what I choose to spend my free time doing. So rather than just thinking 'What is going to earn me the most money?', which is what I was focused on before, now I'm thinking 'What is going to give me the greatest satisfaction?' and I finally think I know - or at least I've narrowed it down a lot.

[JillyR2015]

It would be good if threads like these could be shown to those pregnant for the first time who might be tempted to give up full time work.

[SoonToBeSix]

Your children are still young and you have a baby. Wouldn't you spend your 40's raising them?

[PaleoRules]

Jilly, I'm in the OP's position but I wouldn't have done anything different given my time again.

[zoemaguire]

I totally sympathise! Except that I've done the opposite to you, in that I had an academic job in my 20s, and now want to go into a creative job instead:) I veer between excitement, dread and total lack of energy and vision as to wtf I'm going to do. I've totally lost myself in babies, and while on the one hand i'm desperately looking forward to the point that they don't consume every moment (mine are 6, 4 and 1), I'm also a bit terrified of what happens then!

[bigbluestars]

jilly- crap.

Giving up full time work gave me a springboard to better things. I became a SAHM in my 30s, gradually I built up a small business working from home.
My youngest is 14 now and I earn more being self employed than I would be doing if I had gone back to work, nor would I have found the impetus to be self employed. I have amazing flexibility, choosing my working hours.

That leap of faith in giving up my career has been a brilliant step for me.
Lets not underestimate the amazingly important job that SAHMs do caring for our little ones.

[zoemaguire]

Jilly, keeping my career wasn't an option, neither did I want to in any case (not because I had kids, but for my own reasons). Given my time again I guess I might have waited to establish myself in a new career, but then I probably wouldn't have had my 3 beautiful babies, so that can hardly be a matter for regret. Life isn't quite as black and white as it seems to appear to people like you!

[zoemaguire]

Big blue, that is lovely to hear! I hope I can say the same as you in 10 years time!

[bigbluestars]

zoe- keep your options open- and a positive attitude. There are lots of opportunities to make money at home.

[AddToBasket]

Study, definitely study. Say to yourself if I could be a professional ANYTHING what would I be? Then rule out Olympian/Gisele but keep in anything else. So what if it takes you 10 years to qualify as a Neurologist - just do it.

I have two friends who went to do medicine at 39/40, another friend has just begun her training to be a clinical psychologist - it will take her til she's 50. Another friend decided to be a marine biologist at 38 - she didn't have any science qualifications. Neither of the doctors even had biology or chemistry A-Level, either and both had to go back to 'school'. And I'm training to be a lawyer . It's brilliant, and very exhilarating.

[missymayhemsmum]

You have loads of time (people start careers in their 50s after all) but you also have a lot on your plate with a littlest only 3m old. ! If there isn't a pressure to earn immediately why not go and get some careers counselling? Or is there actually something you always dreamt of doing that you could work towards/ have a go at?
Sounds like you need something now that makes you feel like you again instead of just mummy. Maybe an evening class or short course with a creche?
The reality is that you will probably spend your 40s juggling some kind of earning a living with primary school pickups and teenage angst, sorry.

[bigbluestars]

"The reality is that you will probably spend your 40s juggling some kind of earning a living with primary school pickups and teenage angst, sorry."

Instead of what? I am not sure I understand that comment.

[Dimplesandall]

Bigblue - just described me

But rather juggle earning a living than being treated poorly by inadequate, inefficient managers in a voluntary role..

[kohl]

This thread is so helpful-especially Addtobasket's post. I sometimes feel, as a SAHM to a 4yo & 10mo, with no career to go back to, that I've written myself off at 35. This has given me solace & hope! Thanks for starting it OP.

[Dimplesandall]

Sorry that was Missy's description. V apt of me amd many of my contemporaries.

[Dimplesandall]

I would just add the voice of caution re training though. Vital to check you have the significant time, £, commitment and aptitude to undertake it. And that it will pay back sufficiently - ie there is demand for the role (v many more law/counselling students than there are practice placements/vacancies, for example) . Soeaking from experience it is very hard to graft away to who knows what end having spent years and thousands of pounds on a course. It's paid off for me, just about, but i chose carefully (v vocational, v specific) and not sure I'd do it again quite so willingly.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I had the same feelings, you are most definitely not alone!

By my mid 20s our two dc were at school and I panicked! Totally lost, didn't know who or what I was anymore. Horrible feeling :( I decided to go to college and do access and then on to uni. I am mid way through my degree now, (we've had two more dc which has slowed the whole process by a year) and I love it, completely love it. Its given me some confidence, a bit of purpose, and frankly just enjoyment outside the home!

I still need to work out what I am going to do after this but its given me some useful breathing space and probably opened up some possibilities that weren't there before.

[cassgate]

I understand where you are coming from as until recently I was also in the same position. I gave up work 11 years ago to be a sahm. I loved being at home and honestly could not see a time when I would go back to work. Then suddenly I became very bored with the same old routine. I was involved with the school pta and decided I wanted to see if I would like working with children. The school happily allowed me to volunteer as an unpaid ta to see if I liked it. That lead to a level 3 ta qualification and I now work full time in school as a ta and I love it. It doesn't feel like work and I am much happier and feel like I have a purpose again. There is life after babies you just need to find something that suits you.

[DarylDixonsDarlin]

Jilly, the only thing I would have done differently is had my first child 2 years sooner and that wouldn't have made a whole heap of difference anyway. I knew what I was taking on.

[Buddy80]

Addtobasket nice post .

Were your friends 39/40 when they started a-levels, or 39/40 when they went to medical school/uni?

Also, was it in this country?

[gemdrop84]

I could've written this, I'm 30, had numerous jobs, mainly call centre work. Have 2 dc, 2+6yrs old. Now thinking "what now" I need to do something, last year I registered as self employed and make jewellery to sell on my town market. It doesn't pay loads but it is enjoyable and it's flexible which is what we need at the moment. But now feeling like I want to do something more. I'm desperate to get out the house and to do something just for me. Even this jewellery stuff I'm struggling with as I'm at home with ds and he's not much of a napper. I'm quite tempted to go back to uni, I'm really interested in taking a course in counselling/psychology, but I suppose I'm hesitating as 1) the cost, I don't know where to start looking for information 2) if it's the right time. I'm going to an open day in March anyway so looking forward to that.

[123upthere]

Bloody & Jilly - rather pointless saying to women oh think twice before giving it all up To have kids when actually the person you become as a mother can change a lot of someone's perspective on their career choices anyhow

Rather harsh to try and say having kids should be secondary to having a career and to think hard about it

[fredfredsausagehead1]

Let's dig out all the threads of full time working Mums who are struggling with their marriage/feeding their kids healthy meals/not coping with the daily grind/feeling lonely/sending their sick kids to school/missing their kids' assemblies and sports days/...great idea Jilly, new Mums need all the moral support they can get

[bigbluestars]

123up there- totally!

Motherhood is a transformative experience for many- I changed a lot since having my kids- I have more confidence, more self motivation, more multi tasking, more resourceful.
The skills I now have are some of the ones which has made post- kids business a success.