Spent my 30's having children. What happens next?

[MojoWanted]

Hi there.

Name changed for this one. Bit of a silly title but I don't really know how to word what I am feeling. It feels like a blinked and went from celebrating my 30th birthday to approaching my 40th in less than a year.

I have 4 kids, from 3 months to 8 yrs old. Life is busy, but 2 are at school.

I felt excited at first at the prospect of no more pregnancies, being able to think about myself and what I want to do next. Now I just feel overwhelmed, angry, hugely f*ing fed up, slightly depressed in a 'blues' way not a 'can't get out of bed way'.

How did you deal with this change from producing babies and being a stay at home mum, to needing/wanting to do more or at least have a plan once you had finished having babies?

I know many out there will have kept their careers going, but I'm aiming this at those who didn't, like me. I would love to return to work but don't know where to start. At almost 40 I can't afford to make the wrong decision. Looking at GCSE courses today and I can't even make any sense of it all .....

[LinesThatICouldntChange]

Have to admit I snorted with laughter over the comment about 'not needing to prove to a boss how clever I am' !!

I wonder whether the women who make these kind of comments include their partners in their scathing views? Do they think their partner is some poor sod who goes to work just to prove something to their boss?!

Anyway.... Of course we all use our intelligence and skills when caring for children at home. None of us lose brain cells just through being at home. Fwiw I loved my brief time as a SAHM, and my period of part time working.
It's not a case of work being the only way to self validation: rather it's that work can provide another dimension. It's using intelligence and
Skills in another way as well as the intelligence and skills you use at home. It's sad that some people can't accept that for many parents, working is a positive thing. Or rather, they believe it for their own partner but seen unable to extend their thinking to include other families

So I totally get where you're coming from OP. Your youngest is still quite small, but there is absolutely nothing to stop you from planning for the next phase of your life. We all only get one shot at life and you deserve to feel that you're achieving your potential in all aspects of it. There are some great practical suggestions on here about how to move forward. Good luck with it.

[Grinningcat]

Remember OP that you are only turning 40 and that you have 25 years or so of working life ahead of you. There is plenty of time to change direction/ careers and do things without you having to commit to a single course of action straightaway. Why don't you start with a short course or a spot of volunteering, maybe joining a local interest group (I.e. Photography, local history, sports club) to broaden your horizons? Then you can build up/ add things without taking on too much in one go.

[Buddy80]

OP did you decide what you wanted to do?

[Yarp]

Still think that with the youngest 3 months old, all of this may be a way ahead.

The priority right now may be to have a good look at your life and see if you can get some more help, a more equal share of parenting, and more time to yourself.


Without that, it is going to be hard to get the headsapace and energy to focus on yourself

[Buddy80]

Add thanks for your reply, I do consider the idea sometimes

But found your friends experience really positive, well done to them!

[stitch10yearson]

at three months, you are still not out of the babies stage yet. When the youngest is three or four is when you need to think about what next. not yet.

I gave up a career also. Had to reinvent myself. Its worked, but its hard.
good luck

[TheGirlInTheGlass]

With you there big blue. It's amazing how much I can hold together as a WAHM when I'm well. Strange how when we finally get nor confidence in our own abilities back, we realise that nobody else realised it was missing. We are our own worst critics, whether that's ability, weight, shape, qualifications... Need to learn to accept ourselves as we are and make peace with it OP- hope you find who you are now, and see how it develops, rather than spend time trying to get back to who you thought you were.
Please do let us know what you choose to take up, I'm really excited for you!

[tobysmum77]

In terms of making the right decisions op 40 is young, whole 30 years potentially of working ahead of you . Might not cheer you up in one way but all this old fashioned 'past it at 50' stuff is utter bollocks.

[bigbluestars]

thegirli good point "and being valued for my intelligence."- I found myself using my intelligence, and many of my other skillls as a SAHM. I didn't need work to validate me as a person. I am secure enough in my own abilities without having to prove to a boss how clever I am.

[AddToBasket]

Buddy, yes and yes. Are you considering medicine?

[TheGirlInTheGlass]

I started offering my professional services to friends and local businesses, kept reading industry news, etc.
Then when he was 6 registered with lots of high street job agencies, online job search sites, and started hammering out CVs to them.
I'm not much younger than you, and was ill for a long while so couldn't continue my career in the same company, but desperately wanted to be 'me' again and felt that the job was e best way to prove I was still of value to the world.
Fast forward two years, I do an unrelated, lower position job from home, and realise how I have a DH who loves and supports me and nothing to prove. Might even have had more children. I was harking for the old fulfilment I used to have, but realised it wasn't actually real.
But that's just me- good luck in finding yourself again, your way.

[tumbletumble]

I got pregnant for the first time when I was 30, and the youngest of my 3 DC started school a few months after my 40th birthday. I was a SAHM for 9 years. I feel like my life has been neatly defined into eras, and my 30s was definitely the child rearing decade!

Around my 40th birthday, I applied for a job in a different (but related) field to the one I had worked in pre DC. I didn't think I'd get it (after the 9 years off work), but I did.

Now I'm working part time and I am so happy and fulfilled. I love my DC and I enjoyed being a SAHM, but it feels great to be back and work and being valued for my intelligence.

My advice, OP, is to look around and see what is out there. You don't know what might be possible for you until you start trying! Good luck

[Annarose2014]

Speaking as someone who went back to college in their thirties, if you want to show people you're intelligent, thats the way to do it.

I hadn't written an essay in 18 years. It was daunting! But I got better.

What I hadn't twigged is that none of my friends or acquaintances had wriiten as essay in many years either, and they couldn't even imagine it. Even those in fancy jobs! Their own degrees were a hazy memory and they often said they couldn't do it now.

Literally all I heard from everyone for four years was "Wow. Fair play" Everyone was dead impressed, particularly as it was a degree in the medical field. Even neighbours of my parents, people I didn't know. Word got around.

I can honestly say that everyone perceives me as being cleverer now. I'm not, by the way, its just the degree turned out to be an accidental PR campaign for me of sorts.

The degree hugely boosted my confidence, but other peoples reaction to my training was unexpectedly a massive booster too. Its amazing to see literal respect for your intelligence in someones eyes. Almost makes you believe it!

[Buddy80]

Another poster provided this link to free courses

Free courses

[Dimplesandall]

How's it going, OP?

[Terramirabilis]

Haven't read the whole thread but just popping up to recommend career counselling. It really helped me when I emigrated and was looking to change careers into a related but different field. Not the same as trying to restart after a long gap of not working outside the home, but still. I think it could be really helpful at crystallising what it is you really want to do and how to get there.

[sosix]

I dont regret giving up full time work then part time work. Maybe I will live to eat my words. Im happy that I have spent lots of time with my dcs and am around for school events. Its aldo enabled dh to focus on his career.

[HelenaJustina]

I started a thread that was very similar last week. I did my degree then spent my 20s having 4 children. I recently turned 30, the youngest will be 2 in the spring and I have found myself wanting something else/more. I've done a lot of volunteering with preschool, CAB and NCT but I want something where I get paid! I want my daughters to know that it is possible to do something other than be pregnant and bfeed.
I sent in my first job application last week, it was scary and I don't think I'll be called for interview but it was a good first step, made me dust off those communication skills and sell myself rather than sell myself short
Best of luck, keep us updated!

[justmyview]

I would suggest volunteering in an area that you enjoy (to boost your spirits) and / or an area that may further your career prospects

Also, worth thinking about self-employment. It can be as big or small as you wish, but it avoids gaps on your cv, and if the work doesn't come in, it's quite legitimate to hold out for it to come in (whilst looking for paid employment if necessary)

[bigbluestars]

123up there- totally!

Motherhood is a transformative experience for many- I changed a lot since having my kids- I have more confidence, more self motivation, more multi tasking, more resourceful.
The skills I now have are some of the ones which has made post- kids business a success.

[fredfredsausagehead1]

Let's dig out all the threads of full time working Mums who are struggling with their marriage/feeding their kids healthy meals/not coping with the daily grind/feeling lonely/sending their sick kids to school/missing their kids' assemblies and sports days/...great idea Jilly, new Mums need all the moral support they can get

[123upthere]

Bloody & Jilly - rather pointless saying to women oh think twice before giving it all up To have kids when actually the person you become as a mother can change a lot of someone's perspective on their career choices anyhow

Rather harsh to try and say having kids should be secondary to having a career and to think hard about it

[gemdrop84]

I could've written this, I'm 30, had numerous jobs, mainly call centre work. Have 2 dc, 2+6yrs old. Now thinking "what now" I need to do something, last year I registered as self employed and make jewellery to sell on my town market. It doesn't pay loads but it is enjoyable and it's flexible which is what we need at the moment. But now feeling like I want to do something more. I'm desperate to get out the house and to do something just for me. Even this jewellery stuff I'm struggling with as I'm at home with ds and he's not much of a napper. I'm quite tempted to go back to uni, I'm really interested in taking a course in counselling/psychology, but I suppose I'm hesitating as 1) the cost, I don't know where to start looking for information 2) if it's the right time. I'm going to an open day in March anyway so looking forward to that.

[Buddy80]

Addtobasket nice post .

Were your friends 39/40 when they started a-levels, or 39/40 when they went to medical school/uni?

Also, was it in this country?

[DarylDixonsDarlin]

Jilly, the only thing I would have done differently is had my first child 2 years sooner and that wouldn't have made a whole heap of difference anyway. I knew what I was taking on.