Spent my 30's having children. What happens next?

[MojoWanted]

Hi there.

Name changed for this one. Bit of a silly title but I don't really know how to word what I am feeling. It feels like a blinked and went from celebrating my 30th birthday to approaching my 40th in less than a year.

I have 4 kids, from 3 months to 8 yrs old. Life is busy, but 2 are at school.

I felt excited at first at the prospect of no more pregnancies, being able to think about myself and what I want to do next. Now I just feel overwhelmed, angry, hugely f*ing fed up, slightly depressed in a 'blues' way not a 'can't get out of bed way'.

How did you deal with this change from producing babies and being a stay at home mum, to needing/wanting to do more or at least have a plan once you had finished having babies?

I know many out there will have kept their careers going, but I'm aiming this at those who didn't, like me. I would love to return to work but don't know where to start. At almost 40 I can't afford to make the wrong decision. Looking at GCSE courses today and I can't even make any sense of it all .....

[deadenddan]

I've 3 under 5 and we are done with babies. I kept my career throughout and still feel like you. It's odd isn't it?

I love my job, truly what i want to do but it still feels almost as if life's big adventures are done. Uni, career, marriage, travelling, babies tick tick tick, now what?

I can't help but i can sympathise!

[fredfredsausagehead1]

Is love to have your flouncy job
Give yourself time to adjust and enjoy the time when they're small xx

[LucilleBluth]

Yes, I get you op. My youngest (of three) is due to start school in September. For the last two years I have been studying towards a degree with the OU in a subject I love......I plan to do some volunteering come September and when I finish my degree I may do a PCGE. You have a young baby, give it time and the fog will lift, look after yourself and in the words of a shit shampoo ad, remember that you are worth it, don't be a martyr to the kids and do something for you.

[Eggybread00]

I used to be a team pa in London, I'm not overly academic (I didn't go to uni) but I loved my job and was really appreciated in the contribution I made. I had a decent salary at 35k and recognise that I prefer being the 'go to' girl than being in charge (this is relevant because I know I don't want to study for a specialised career)
I've been at home for 7 years, my husband is a high earner and I don't financially need to work. However I want to, yet I can't go back to London commuting because I can't justify the pressure it would put on the kids etc when the reasons aren't financial. So it leaves me applying for part time jobs on local offices on min wage, I'm worth more than the jobs available and honestly find it a bit depressing. I feel in catch 22. I've done some home working as an online pa but I just want to go out and work. I feel a bit damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just want my old job, on my terms (days off when I like, no childcare to consider, good salary and lots of lovely feedback from colleagues, nice Christmas do) that's not too much to ask is it?! ;-)

[Shabbychicflowers]

eggybread00 I used to be a pa too, I'm now a stay at home mum but also do freelance pa work from home. So actually I'm not sure if I am a stay at home mum? I feel like one though because I do not use childcare!

[Shabbychicflowers]

eggybread have you thought about combining the online pa work with offering to go into people's offices? That is what I do and it gets me out and about and some interesting work.

[Bettybodybooboo]

It depends if you need to earn cash or can prat around doing a degree.

I had babies in my early 20s and late 30s so stuffed my career.

Childmind now for money and it's actually very lucrative and fun.

[Eggybread00]

Shabbychicflowers Thank you, please can I ask how did you get yourself 'in' to the offices? My online clients have been too far away to offer this, I've done some mail shots offering my services and received zero replies! Any tips on the wording would be really appreciated. Also do you have a base hourly rate or job rate? Sorry, loads of questions... :-)

[Bettybodybooboo]

dead your magical journey has just begun with your dcs. It's truly fantastic seeing them all grow and develop especially as they become young adults.

And then you and your dh can do lots of other stuff you hadn't done for years. yes including that!

[Shabbychicflowers]

eggybread00 I used to only have online clients but I went to a few local networking events and picked up a few local clients, a few of who asked if I could work in their offices as well as virtually. I offer both virtual and non virtual assistance now, some clients use a mix of both depending on the nature of work. I actually enjoy it more than my previous career as it gives me much more flexibility. I charge a set hourly fee as well. Hope that helps!

[jellybeans]

Some of the people I know...

-volunteer work, usually provide training and can lead to paid work
-OU degrees
-evening classes/Access course
-going back to uni; many unis offer part time courses in Social Work, OT, Physiotherapy etc. The NHS ones are fully funded. They often do alternate entry schemes for mature applicants (maybe a 60 point OU course also can gt you in).
-part time jobs

[bloodygorgeous]

You've had some great advice - good luck!

I would say (with no spite or smuggery intended) to all women to think very, very carefully about giving a career up completely when they have children - however many children that is.

I always advise female friends, family and colleagues to at least work part time or freelance if they possibly can, and keep a foot in the door. Not least for financial independance.

[DarylDixonsDarlin]

You're not alone OP, I have been feeling similar of late. My youngest won't be at school til 2017 so I have some breathing space to decide what to do next, the trouble is I cannot decide what to do! Middle DD keeps asking me what will I be when she and her siblings have grown up and I don't know what to say to her really!

I didn't really have a career as such before I had DC1, although it was a decent job I enjoyed and had prospects. I never trained formally for anything after I left school, so it was mostly office work with specific legal cashier training thrown in somewhere along the line...none of it gives me anything to go back to really.

While the babies were small I worked weekends in a hotel, but I don't plan on going back to that (menial shitty work, min wage) and I'm worried if I make the wrong choices I will end up doing exactly that - a job I hate for fuck all money, just because we need my income too.

I wanted to be a social worker when I was a teenager, and its still an area I'm interested in, although its fair to say public opinion of social workers is different now to how it was when I was doing careers options at school! I am also interested in dietetics, nutrition and health promotion. So I think my first step next year when DD2 goes to nursery, will be an Access course, as this will cover both bases for me. Then at least I will feel that I am making some progress towards my future working life. I really want to choose well though, as I still have 30 years work left to do!

[Flissypix]

My mum was similar to this about 10 years ago. Though she had a few more children aged 9mths- 20 (at them time) She went to Uni and did the first foundation degree she could get onto. She found it boring but completed it then did another degree in another subject and a PGCE. She is now a university lecturer. There are plenty of things you can do, you just need to explore your options.
I know exactly what you mean about proving you are 'smart' I am currently at Uni doing an academic degree (final year) as in my 20's I had a creative job that everyone thinks they can do and then I was a mum. I was good at that job and actually loved it, but I felt the need to prove that I was capabale of more not just to other people but to myself.

[fancyanotherfez]

'flouncy' creative jobs make the UK economy £4billion a year!

[Dimplesandall]

First- don't underestimate skills required for flouncy job


Second, if you want to "prove you're intelligent" to YOURSELF, then of course do so- OU course, retrain, whatever. But don't undertake it lightly to try to please others!

Re volunteering- great idea in principle, but choose carefully and don't rush to do instead of meaningful paid work. I've been really disappointed with my own experience of a nationally well-reputed charity- disorganised, don't treat volunteers v well, poor (in some cases toxic!) management AND poor quality training. Been rather a waste of time, sadly, though the day to day work i love!

Could you do freelance flouncy work, seriously? Could be interwsting/lucrative.

Good luck.

[Mrsjayy]

Dunno about anybody else but reading flouncy job so many times makes me interested in flouncy job they sound great.

[Buddy80]

I echo Dimplesandall in respect of voluntary work. It can be that way and they can also expect a lot.

[Buddy80]

and, with volunteering you have to get something out of it as well (that does not sound "nice" written down, but it very true). I have been volunteering, and whilst some can lead to employment and training for a field, there are many others that do not.

I am in a similar situation to the OP and it's quite interesting even researching what opportunities are out there! I have not yet decided, but will need to soon.

There are surprising boom areas in the future.

[Yarp]

Blinking - I agree. TA here too.


I also agree about volunteering not necessarily being the answer. Fortunately I had a great experience with the head office of a national charity, and great support from my boss there.

At best, you learn skills and get thanked all the time. But at worst, you can just leave!

[Yarp]

Buddy

I agree - i'd go further and say it was the main reason I volunteered. In return, they got a hardworking mature person, so no need to feel bad about it...

In my case I went with half an eye to a paid job there, but changed my mind. Its main advantage for me was in getting into work environment again and using computers. And not wiping anyone's nose or arse

[minifingers]

Dunno.

I'm nearly 50 and my youngest is going to be starting secondary next year. I've worked part time for 8 years in a self employed post which has zero chance of ever becoming full-time and salaried. I really don't know what happens next, other than I now feel completely de-skilled and unemployable. I can't imagine anyone offering me a professional job ever again (I was a lecturer for a decade before quitting when my children were small).

[minifingers]

However, I'm doing a maths GCSE and loving every minute of it. Zumba for the brain!

[Buddy80]

Yarp yes, you can just leave. But it is normally not that simple. Especially if you are months in. Some people want a good reference or to utilise their skills.

[Michal12]

I do not have any children but I feel what you are saying I have been seriously depressed at times.
Life does not get any easier with age but try to keep your feet on the ground.
My advice would be
1)Keep physically fit (excercise is really good for depression) and have some medical check ups to ensure you do not have any medical problems. 2) Sounds obvious but if you are depressed and this happens to most of us at some time you should visit the doctors as above.
3) I would not worry too much about qualifications until you are feeing better and have worked out what you would like to do in future.