To leave if DH takes redundancy

[Voiceoffstage]

Good Evening all

My DH and I work for the same public sector organisation, him for 30 years, me for 27. We met at work some 15 years ago and have been married for 9 years. DH has been offered the opportunity to apply for a voluntary redundancy package. He really wants to leave, he says that he hates his job, he feels under stress (but won’t talk to his manager about it) and says that the job will kill him if he stays. I am a higher grade than him and earn significantly more. He says that I have an easier job (being a manager) and don’t understand the pressure that he’s under - the same pressure that the people that I manage are under no doubt - but what would I know about that?!

My concern is that DH is rather neurotic, he can’t cope with change, he has few transferrable skills (certainly not many that a private sector employer would value), he’s 49 and earns more as an Admin Officer than he would in a comparable job in the private sector – that’s if he could get one(!) Don’t get me started on his pension, flexi-time and 5 weeks a year annual leave(!)

He reduced his working hours 10 years ago to care for his father who died 3 months later. He says that he couldn’t possibly work full-time because of the stress of the job. He is supposed to clean the house on his non-working days, but just runs the Hoover over the carpets leaving a dusty grey edge. All the cooking, shopping & most of the cleaning is down to me or my 18 year old son (from a previous relationship and who works full-time).

I have chronic arthritis, need crutches to get around and take a cocktail of painkillers to get me through the day. Although I work full-time at the moment, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to sustain it. I don’t think that it would be fair to expect me to take the full financial burden of the household and be forced to work full-time if he takes this redundancy.

Of course DH says that he will get another job in no time. He says that he will do 'anything' as long as it doesn't involve writing, using a phone (he has a hearing problem), handling cash or doing maths. This doesn't leave many options! He seems to think that Tesco are just waiting for him to apply to be a night-time shelf filler. He should be so lucky!!

I think he’s being selfish and have told him that our marriage is over if he takes this package. AIBU?

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

How many years wage would the redundancy cover?

[ifgrandmahadawilly]

Why would you be married to someone you have no faith in and whose feelings and decisions you clearly have no respect for?

YABU.

[Yambabe]

I think YABU. You don't even seem to have considered the implications of the financial package to your family. After 30 years as a civil servant he should get a significant payout and his pension will be preserved and close to max too. There will certainly enough to live on for a couple of years while he sorts out another job (even if it is a "menial" one) or as a pp suggested maybe to pay a lump off your mortgage if you have one. Cash in the bank might mean that you could afford to go part-time as well.

Sounds like you are a little resentful of him having this opportunity. Have you discussed ways you could maybe downsize your lives a bit to coincide with his redundancy so that you get an easier life too?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Though your stress is understandable and I don't disagree with your reasoning, I think telling him you'll leave if he takes redundancy is horrible. If my SO said the same, I'd tell them they're free to leave as they please as a job shouldn't be the only thing keeping them in the marriage.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

I think people are missing the point that he is highly unlikely to get another job.

He knows this.

He wants to retire and let the OP, who isn't in the best of health, support him for the rest of their lives.

I don't blame you OP for giving him this ultimatum. However, I'd probably be leaving someone so stupid and selfish anyway. He sounds extremely draining to be around.

[bloodygorgeous]

I also think you hold him in contempt.

I can see your point though - you have an awful lot to contend with with your arthritis, a management role and housework.

I guess you have grown tired and bitter?

Can you have a really honest, big conversation about this and the way you feel, your concerns?

[Voiceoffstage]

'I think your marriage is over in any case because you plainly hold your husband in contempt.'

I didn't explain fully because I didn't want to bore you.

I didn't say 'right, you take the redundancy and that's it' or anything. We've known that there would probably be a package on offer for some time. I've been saying for years that, if he wants to leave, he needs to have plans as he can't rely on me to be the sole wage-earner due to my health. I've been encouraging him to improve his skills by taking IT lessons (I found out when/where for him) I've offered to help him compose a CV and we've had endless discussions about what he'd like to do. But he's chosen not to make himself more employable. He didn't discuss with me before putting his name forward. I was also offered a package and my pay-off would have been enough to pay off the mortgage and leave some over. But it didn't occur to DH that I might like to go for it. I feel that the 'contempt' is coming from him not from me.

[Bogeyface]

Am I reading a different OP to everyone else?!

He works part time, does no housework of note, does no shopping, cooking etc and leaves it all to his disabled full time working wife, and step son.

And now he cant even cope with that?! Bollocks.

I would bet a months mortgage money that as soon as he packs it in there will be a reason why he cant get/find/look for a job, just as there will be a reason why he cant/wont do more around the house. If he did manage to find another job, pound to a penny he will quit as he finds that "too stressful". H was 48 when he was made redundant (no choice) and it took 8 months for him to find a 0 hours NMW warehousing job, he has lots of transferable skills but the bad job market coupled with his age meant he was overlooked.

He wants to be a lady who lunches and for the OP to pay for it! I personally WOULD LTB over it, he has been taking the piss for years and is now getting worse.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

may be his stress would go down enough to do the job full time if you left him.

[saoirse31]

You sound as if you despise him so I can't think your marriage is any kind of happy relationship anyway. leave him, I'd say he'll be happier and you can find someone else to disparage.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think you should leave and let him find somebody who doesn't treat him with such contempt.
Money and status is more important to you than your dhs health.
He is desperately unhappy and your answer is to leave him when he finds a solution.
I know I couldn't/wouldn't do this to my dh because I love him.
I can't believe so many people agree with you

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

I totally agree with aplaceinthewinter too.

[FFTransform]

I see where you are coming from, people are saying you are the one giving ultimatums but actually they have come from him, he has unilaterally decided a life changing decision for both of you

I don't think I could fully respect or trust someone who didn't consider me to have any input into such a descion and yes in self preservation mode I would Ltb, even if you need more support down the line he doesn't sound like he would provide it - quite the reverse

Good luck with whatever you decide

[OVienna]

What Chipping said. Totally. OP I can understand why you're fretting.

[SnowWhiteAteTheApple]

So you actually want to take the redundancy package for yourself but he can't?

You should be able to have an adult conversation re this rather than resort to ultimatums. Threatening to leave as you can't get your own way is childish.

[APlaceInTheWinter]

But it didn't occur to DH that I might like to go for it.
Did you want to take redundancy? In your OP it sounded as though you like your work and there wasn't any hint that you wanted to leave. It reads a little as though you're putting up barriers to him leaving because you don't want to do it yet resent the fact that he could.

It's understandable for you to feel upset if you think he's ignoring your wishes but it seems blatantly clear that he feels you're ignoring his wishes too. You are both talking at each other and not listening. It's why I think counselling might help because I don't think your relationship can survive if you resent him leaving and/or equally if he resents you making him stay. You have to try to find a third way which probably involves looking at his redundancy package as an opportunity to make life easier for both of you eg reducing your mortgage so you can work slightly less hours.

[Tobyjugg]

From what you say, I suggest he takes redundancy and you LTB. That way you'll both be happy.

[Tobyjugg]

I would bet a months mortgage money that as soon as he packs it in there will be a reason why he cant get/find/look for a job...

I'm not taking that bet!

[Iggi999]

I'm sure the OP would quite like to have the chance to be looked after herself sometimes Sometimes people get contempt because they deserve it.

[UsuallyLurking1]

1. if he rejects voluntary redundancy does he remain at risk in the long term of forced redundancy? If that was the case and he was made redundant are you going to leave him then? If finding work at 49 is hard, I bet 52 is harder, might be the best move all round.
   
   
2. he has reduced his hours because of the stress of this job, presumably he can go back to full time and cover the costs of a cleaner to make up for his half arsed efforts. Win win.
   
   If you are going to leave him over this, then there are bigger issues afoot

[Floralnomad]

Why don't you both take redundancy then , pay off the mortgage and get yourselves pt work that suits you both better , just because he has applied it doesn't stop you doing the same .

[Onceuponatimetherewas]

He won't find another job, will he? If you dislike him now, you'll hate him when he's sitting around at home and you're working full time despite your ill-health. And he won't suddenly up his housework standards either. And he's 20 years away from the age when he should be thinking of retiring (the way things are going with pensions etc). This is madness. Many people aren't keen on their jobs, and fancy the idea of pottering around at home instead. Tough - he needs to work, and he needs to take your ill health seriously. If you have to stop work at some point, you will be in real difficulties if he is out of work and unemployable. You need to sit him down and have a really serious discussion. And get him to see an employment advisor, to explain the reality to him. He should not leave his current job until he's got another one on pay that is not too much lower.

[YoullLikeItNotaLot]

Floralnomad
Why don't you both take redundancy then , pay off the mortgage and get yourselves pt work that suits you both better , just because he has applied it doesn't stop you doing the same

That's not a bad idea.

My DH doesn't like his job as he says it's stressful. I've asked him what job he would like to do. He doesn't know. I've told him if he wanted to change direction I would support him if he has a proper plan. He hasn't got one. I don't think he realises that every job has a degree of stress (he's had his current job for 20 years - It was his first job after leaving uni, the only I the job he'd had was packing in a factory in uni and he didn't like that either BECAUSE IT WAS STRESSFUL).

If he unilaterally decided to jack his job in without any sense of what next, damn right I'd be pissed off, particularly if I was in your situation OP with questions over health.

It's all very well saying "but stress is bad for him" - but apparently his answer is to shift the stress onto OP by making her solely responsible for their financial security when she has very specific health concerns. OP has said for years she would support her DH in changing direction but he's fine fuck all to help himself.

YANBU.

[Voiceoffstage]

My main concerns are the following:

• DH is 49 - this is not a good age to be looking for a job
  
• He has few transferrable skills & hasn't taken up any opportunities for upgrading his qualifications through work - NVQs etc This puts him at a disadvantage when competing against people who have these and things like the European computer Driving Licence. He needs experience of Exel, Powerpoint etc - he could do on-line training on these through work, but has decided not to.
  
• I've known him for 15 years - he has been complaining that work isn't what it used to be and that he's pressured & stressed for all of that time. yet he's not applied for any other jobs in that time - despite me encouraging him.
  
• He doesn't cope well with change. My worry is that he's worked for the same organisation in the same town with the same people for the whole of his working life. I've tried to encourage him to think about how it would feel to be learning a new job whilst learning the culture of the workplace and having to make new friends and working relationships. DH only socialises with my friends and people he was at school with. He's not made any new friends of his own in the last 30 years.
  
• He's been a Civil Servant for 30 years. Many private sector employers will feel that he's too 'dyed in the wool'.
  
• Every job has it's stresses - how would he cope with this given the above.
  
• His pension. He has 26 years pensionable service because of his part-time working. How will we manage should I have to retire early on a reduced pension?
  
• I don't think he's thinking beyond his belief that he doesn't like his job. He hasn't taken the opportunities to discuss his problems with his manager. He's asked me to talk to his manager for him. I said that I couldn't intervene, that I would come into the meeting with him if he wanted, but that he needs to be the one who sets up the meeting and does most of the talking.
  
• I don't think that I can cope with the pressure of constant pain, working full-time, doing most of the housekeeping and being the only wage-earner.
  
  I've said all this, calmly and supportively and invited his comments. I'm still waiting for a sensible response from him. All I get is emotional statements like: 'I'll be following my father to the grave before I'm 60 if I carry on working in that place'