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AIBU?

To leave if DH takes redundancy

112 replies

Voiceoffstage · 03/02/2015 17:57

Good Evening all

My DH and I work for the same public sector organisation, him for 30 years, me for 27. We met at work some 15 years ago and have been married for 9 years. DH has been offered the opportunity to apply for a voluntary redundancy package. He really wants to leave, he says that he hates his job, he feels under stress (but won’t talk to his manager about it) and says that the job will kill him if he stays. I am a higher grade than him and earn significantly more. He says that I have an easier job (being a manager) and don’t understand the pressure that he’s under - the same pressure that the people that I manage are under no doubt - but what would I know about that?!

My concern is that DH is rather neurotic, he can’t cope with change, he has few transferrable skills (certainly not many that a private sector employer would value), he’s 49 and earns more as an Admin Officer than he would in a comparable job in the private sector – that’s if he could get one(!) Don’t get me started on his pension, flexi-time and 5 weeks a year annual leave(!)

He reduced his working hours 10 years ago to care for his father who died 3 months later. He says that he couldn’t possibly work full-time because of the stress of the job. He is supposed to clean the house on his non-working days, but just runs the Hoover over the carpets leaving a dusty grey edge. All the cooking, shopping & most of the cleaning is down to me or my 18 year old son (from a previous relationship and who works full-time).

I have chronic arthritis, need crutches to get around and take a cocktail of painkillers to get me through the day. Although I work full-time at the moment, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to sustain it. I don’t think that it would be fair to expect me to take the full financial burden of the household and be forced to work full-time if he takes this redundancy.

Of course DH says that he will get another job in no time. He says that he will do 'anything' as long as it doesn't involve writing, using a phone (he has a hearing problem), handling cash or doing maths. This doesn't leave many options! He seems to think that Tesco are just waiting for him to apply to be a night-time shelf filler. He should be so lucky!!

I think he’s being selfish and have told him that our marriage is over if he takes this package. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

OVienna · 04/02/2015 13:26

I also think it's crazy he asked YOU to speak to his supervisor. FFS.

Honestly, if I were a divorce lawyer I'd offer services pro bono.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2015 13:13

I stand corrected!

But I still think his "stress" is just a desperate desire to do fuck all and have the OP keep him.

dogelove · 04/02/2015 09:55

Bogey - it's entirely possible that he is utterly shit at his job. He's a civil servant - you can't just fire people. Aside from maternity leave one of the few great things about being a civil servant is job security.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/02/2015 09:51

Well presumably he cant be that shit or he would have been gotten rid of by now

It can be very difficult to get rid of shit staff from the civil service.

People like him are not unusual. They are completely unemployable because they haven't done any actual work for years in many cases.

I agree that he's looking forward to swinging the lead at home on the OP's dime, but I believe that he finds his own work life stressful, because his utter uselessness won't have escaped him.

VenusRising · 04/02/2015 09:24

See a solicitor ASAP, before he quits his stressful pt job. That way his earnings will be taken into account.

Your DS is not a dependent child anymore, but your DH sounds like one.

I'm so sorry for your situation op, you sound like you've been putting up with this lodger for a long time. I suggest you get all your ranting over and done with here, and then call your solicitor tomorrow and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

I'm so shocked you had to have a lump removed while he narcissistically had his ears syringed. I'm just so shocked at his unreasonable and unsupportive behaviour. Poor you.

You do sound a lot like you're resourceful and strong, and my dream for your is improved health, and enjoyable job, and a fantastic stress free life without this millstone around your neck.

Please see a solicitor and calmly walk through this period of upheaval to a better life with your DS, without feeling guilty - you've done your best.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2015 09:12

It can be very stressful and demoralising to have to do a job you are shit at and everyone knows you are shit at.

Well presumably he cant be that shit or he would have been gotten rid of by now, but I suspect he is confusing stress with "I dont want to work, I want to sit on my arse all day and have voiceoff pay all the bills, do all the housework and cook my meals" laziness.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/02/2015 09:05

It can be very stressful and demoralising to have to do a job you are shit at and everyone knows you are shit at.

dogelove · 04/02/2015 08:56

Jesus.

I'm not exactly sure why you married him?

He's working PART TIME as an AO and complaining about STRESS? The actual fuck. I find it a little odd that he has worked in the public sector for thirty years and NEVER gone for a promotion. So unless he is working in number 10, or some kind of high powered, fast paced press relations team, then I call utter bollocks.

It sounds like he doesn't even know what stress is

BathtimeFunkster · 04/02/2015 08:22

So, in conclusion - ywbu to leave if he takes redundancy, because that might leave you supporting him.

Get legal advice ASAP and don't give him a head's up of your intention to divorce him.

Bakeoffcakes · 04/02/2015 08:19

And I think you're amazing to have put up with him for so bloody long.

Bakeoffcakes · 04/02/2015 08:16

He is lazy, self absorbed and immature. As others have said he will sting you for spousal support if you're not very careful.

Start divorce proceedings ASAP.

Duckdeamon · 04/02/2015 08:12

Oh and yes to getting legal advice, bet he would want spousal support after divorce!

Duckdeamon · 04/02/2015 08:06

Agree with a PP that it sounds like his card is marked at work and that it would be worth checking the compulsory redundancy terms, which could well be worse.

Agree that his future earning prospects seem poor. Especially if he struggles to cope with even PT working life.

He must know all this and is counting on you subsidising him for many years in future. He also sounds lazy and selfish at home.

He hasn't done anything to improve his work situation or earning prospects (asking you to speak to his manager is ridiculous!)

I couldn't respect

To posters saying Op is uncaring or not having enough regard for her H's wellbeing, many of us dislike our job or find work hard, but we all have responsibilities to support ourselves financially, unless someone else is happy to do so. Op's H hasn't done anything to address the work or his health situation (going PT excepted) and seemingly wants her to earn money for him, when she is also under stress and unwell to boot! Not on.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/02/2015 07:48

LTB. That was going to be my original advice before I read the update last night. 30 years as an AO? Finds it stressful, the poor diddums? The man's an oxygen thief.

TooHasty · 04/02/2015 07:35

Just read your last post. Your marriage is dead in the water. I don't know why you are still together

TooHasty · 04/02/2015 07:28

Why on earth do you think he won t get an other job? You have both of you been in the same job thirty years you haven't the first idea! The job market has changed a lot in three decade s.why do you think tesco wouldn't have him?

bitofanoddone · 04/02/2015 05:13

He sounded like a loser from the OP and now he sounds contemptible. Get rid and do it before he resigns.

Think of a home without him in it. Bliss, i should imagine.

FishWithABicycle · 04/02/2015 04:43

Ok I was all set to be in favour of staying together but after your update of 20:16 - leave the bastard.
He can take his redundancy money and use it to get a place on his own. Not your problem any more.

Prior to this update I was going to suggest that you both took redundancy and used the substantial capital to buy a franchise or set up a small business in a field you are both passionate for. I bet you have the energy and skills to make a go of something like this, and as your own boss you could structure your activities to ensure your arthritis doesn't get in the way of meteoric success. However - now I realise that this man would be a dead-weight millstone killing any such endeavour.

He very obviously realised how much he needs you to freeload off during your recent separation and persuaded you back with the long term plan of getting more firmly embedded as a parasite on your good nature. You do not have to put up with this shit any more.

limegoldfinewine · 04/02/2015 04:21

I completely disagree that the last post changed everything - I thought he was a lazy dipshit before she posted about the cancer scare! What kind of man allows his wife with arthritis to run around cleaning after him, working full time while he sits on his contemptible arse. OP, PLEASE LEAVE HIM. You sounds amazing and he just sounds awful.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2015 00:48

It doesn't bode well for his future support for any future health problems.

It doesnt bode well for her current health problems.

The guy is a self serving, self obsessed and lazy dickhead.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/02/2015 22:49

A few years ago, I was stressed to the hilt. Had discussion with DH about reducing my hours at the time, he had gone back to education for a few years. He kind of freaked out at thought of one income. I was pissed off (I was SOO stressed), but his logic made sense so I stuck it out until he rejoined the work force. I then reduced my hours by mutal consent.
Fast forward just a few years, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. DH couldn't be more supportive.

IMO, That is the way it is supposed to ... (Me sticking out full time hours until it made financial sense, and his support when I got cancer )

In your situation, I don't know that I could get over his lack of support when you had cancer scare. It doesn't bode well for his future support for any future health problems.

APlaceInTheWinter · 03/02/2015 21:55

Your last post changes everything. He's consistently treated you with complete contempt and a lack of care. LTB.

Jeez I can't even imagine what sort of person tries to make their DP's cancer scare all about them. I'm sorry I gave him any kind of benefit of the doubt in my earlier posts.

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ImperialBlether · 03/02/2015 21:35

Agreed. Leave asap.

DixieNormas · 03/02/2015 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2015 21:27

I wasn't talking about a good work ethic. I think boys learn how to be a man by looking at how other men behave. I know my own son is very, very fond of his friends' fathers and learns a lot about how to behave from them.

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