Is this a reasonable request?

[ColaCubed]

I'm in a newish relationship (less than a year). We both have DCs from previous relationships. We've all met one another and things are gong well so far.

However, DP's ex has made some demands requests along the way such as insisting she meets me before I met their DCs etc. So far I've tried be understanding and have gone along with this. For the most part I stay out of their parenting relationship and do not offer my opinion unless DP specifically asks for it. I am always honest, even where I actually agree with his ex's stance. I try to see things from her perspective as I understand it must be difficult for her to see her DC's form a relationship with someone who is a stranger to her. My ex has not yet moved on but we have a much less involved parenting relationship than they do and so I don't tend to 'interfere' (for want of a better word) in his time with our children. I think hope this will remain the same when he chooses to introduce our DCs to any future partner.

Anyway, his ex has recently said she would like to collect/drop off their DCs at my house the next time they come over (DP doesn't live with me yet but stays over a lot) and I don't know how to feel about it. Apparently she says its because she wants to know where her DCs are when they're away from her (although they've stayed over many times already). Again, I'm trying to be understanding about it but if I'm honest, it's starting to feel a little intrusive and like I'm being 'checked up on' and evaluated. I'm also a little concerned about where these requests will stop. I'm obviously hopeful that we will all remain amicable for the DC's sake and so I don't want to say no to anything that is reasonable. This is the first time I've dated anyone with DCs so this is all unchartered territory for me and so I'm unsure of what is reasonable but I'm keen to do the right thing by everybody. I guess it just feels a little strange that I'm having to accommodate a quasi relationship with his ex when I've only met her briefly and this is all being done through DP. Incidentally, I'd be happy to get to know her better but it's still early days in my mind and I just assumed this would be something that developed naturally over time rather than being 'forced'. Any thoughts or advice?

[ColaCubed]

MJL: This is a weird stage in a newish relationship where you are caught up in the dynamics between him and her while you're still trying to establish your own dynamic between you and him.

^^This sums up my predicament exactly. The more I think about it, the more I'm disappointed in DP for not being more assertive with his ex and for allowing me to be dragged into this and being put sort of in the middle. Obviously I have final say because it's my house but I'm uncomfortable with having to make the decision. It should be between the two of them only.

[ColaCubed]

trevor: But having her come round to check out your house(? street? area?) implies that if it's not to her satisfaction, then some kind of consequence will result.

These are my thoughts exactly. The thing is, DP always seems to only see the good in her. I tentatively asked why she wants to physically see the house and he was saying she just wants to know how to get here in an emergency. I'm just not buying that as the real reason but I don't know how to say that to him without making this into an unnecessarily big issue. Posting this has been really helpful for me since my gut reaction to the request was one of uncomfortableness but I couldn't work out why as on the face of things, it's seems quite benign. There is so much more to it though and now I'm starting to understand this in the context of the bigger picture. Now I understand it better, I think I'll have a talk with DP and see what he thinks.

[DPotter]

I agree its reasonable for her to know where her children are so she should have the address, but I think she should drop off at your DPs. Does she want to come into your house - I would draw a line there

[velvetspoon]

She might want to know where the DC are, but as a pp has said, it's not her right. She can't insist on it or control where they go in the other parents contact time.

Leaving that aside, OP I think you're right to be uncomfortable. I think if the XW concern were genuine, she'd have a) been satisfied with just the address and b) would have asked for that address the first time she knew they were staying at your house.

I think an honest talk with your DP is the best way forward, before you end up having to have her round for tea etc!

[ICantFindAFreeNickName]

Could it be that the children have been talking about your house / garden and she just wants to see it so that she can picture it when they are talking to her about it (assuming quite young children).

Could you assume she is just wanting to be friendly etc, and be gracious this time, but draw the line at any other requests.

btw I'm sure most of us would have had a look at face book just to be nosey, her comments sounded quite nice really, nothing to get upset about.

[ColaCubed]

The reason DP gave is that she wanted to know how to get to mine in an emergency but I guess it could be that she's curious and couldn't say that. I think realistically, she's being nosey and wanting to 'measure' me up. The facebook thing falls into that. She will have had help from a mutual friend to find my profile (as she and DP have each other blocked) and I'm not naive enough to think she and her friend were sat together privately congratulating DP on his new girlfriend. More likely they were judging me and the nice comments were for DPs benefit. I don't know, I'm just uncomfortable about it all.

As I said previously, this is unchartered territory for me and so I don't know how to play it. I briefly considered that a DP with DC would have an involved ex but I wasn't sure how involved they would be, particularly since I am very uninvolved with my ex.

I've just read the thread about not wanting the XW in the house and part of me does think it might be nice if we were all friends but I don't think that's a situation which can be engineered. I'm not sure how much effort I should be putting into getting to know her etc. especially as it's such early days for DP and me. I thought I was just gaining a DP but I'm getting SDC and a co-parent into the bargain .

[MrsJohnLewis]

It's very intrusive. She has no right to involve herself in your and your DP's arrangements.

The more I read, the more out of order I think she's being.

Checking up on you on Facebook and wanting to see your house. Effectively she's trying to police you and DP is letting her.

How would he feel if your ex demanded to go to his house and was checking up on his social media profiles?

How would you react if your ex started behaving like she is? Would you pander to it and enable it or tell him to back off?

[ColaCubed]

MJL, that's a really good point and not one I'd thought of. Initially my ex took the news of our relationship quite badly and said some pretty unkind things. He also asked a lot of questions about DP and made some demands of his own. I obviously discussed this with DP but didn't need his permission to tell my ex to stop and said no to all his demands as well as refusing to divulge any information about my DP. I did this because right away I understood that ex was nothing to do with my new relationship and was therefore not entitled to any of this information. Given that's how I viewed my ex in these circumstances, I'm now not sure why I have been quite so accepting of DPs ex being as involved. I suppose it's because she dresses it up as a reasonable request whereas my ex was out and out rude and demanding. I will definitely raise this with DP because I'm willing to bet that he hadn't considered this from my perspective and put himself in my shoes or the equivalent situation.

[stayathomegardener]

As ex wife has been offered the address and that was not enough I think you can be fairly sure she will expect to come in.
I think I would agree to the request and arrange with DP to be taking the children out somewhere as she drops off,hand over on the doorstep with a cheery goodbye as you all leave.
Any future requests to look round the house will then have to be more blatant as she will then have officially visited.

[strawberryowl]

I've done all the things you worry about. I'm not controlling I'm a worrier. I didn't want to judge ex new partner or laugh at her home, im an adult, I wanted to know who was going to be such a big part of dd life. I wanted to know she was going to be staying regularly in a place that was clean and safe and warm and to not let my silly imagination run away with me. Lucky for me ex and his new partner accepted that; ex also raised same issues with my new partner. We trust each other but it's natural to worry when you are out of control! Its kind to offer reassurance. It's easy to feel like you are going to be sidelined when new partners come along.

We changed contact a lot, it was and is in everyone's interests to be flexible. He is first port of call if I need childcare; he is her dad he should help and change his plans if needs be and I really can't - work commitments illness etc. We would have had to do that if we were still together. Maybe that's annoying for our new partners but we don't do it to control each other we do it to meet our joint responsibility to our dd. maybe a bit mean to do it for social plans but that's an issue with him not hers.

We all muddle along together now but there are definetely 4 of us in this relationship! The paranoias calm down with time on both sides. Don't let this chase you off, he's a good catch if he's still so involved with his kids and kind to his ex.

[Goldmandra]

he's a good catch if he's still so involved with his kids and kind to his ex

Good point and I think it is reasonable to want to be able to picture the people and places your children are talking about but this must be achieved in an ethos of cooperation, not control.

I'm also finding it hard to understand the viewpoint that your children's father is to be trusted but might allow them to sleep somewhere they aren't clean, safe and warm.

[velvetspoon]

Possible to be involved with and a good father to kids without bending over backwards to an Exs unreasonable demands. Ultimately if a court gives contact to the NRP, what they decide to do in that time really isn't any business of the RP, and vice versa. Unless you can show a child is in danger, which is pretty unlikely. Just not liking the way the other parents, what they feed your DC, who they spend time with or where during that parents time really is none of the other parents business.

There's no way I'd be having my bf's ex to my house. I blocked her on Facebook some time ago. The less she knows about me the better as far as I'm concerned!

[ColaCubed]

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate the input.

To update, I spoke to DP about my concerns (basically everything I outlined here) and I think he understood my feelings and concerns although initially he was kind of defending her. He said he would talk to her and find out more about why she felt she needed to do this.

Apparently it resulted in a bit of an argument between them and DP raised the issue of trust. Apparently she admitted that she's finding this situation difficult in a round about way. In the end she conceded to just having my address but immediately countered that if he were ever to move in with me that she and I would have to get to know each other better and that then she would be doing some of the drops-offs/pick-ups.

Whilst I'm sympathetic to her position, I think this has confirmed to me that she is doing this in order to feel a sense of control over a situation where she feels she has none. I can understand this but I feel uncomfortable with how she is going about it. As Gold says, an amicable relationship is best all round but must be fostered in an environment of cooperation. This feels very much more like control.

I'm not sure it's relevant but I've been in controlling relationships before and so I'm particularly sensitive to being told what to do by other people. I get that this is my issue alone but possibly goes some way to explaining why I'm particularly sensitive.

To date I feel like I've done my best to be accommodating but I feel it's important to draw the line somewhere. If she continues to get a 'pay-off' for attempting to control the situation then I worry it's going to keep happening. Ultimately I think she needs to address the underlying reasons for her behaviour instead of seeking external validation for it. Otherwise, it's going to breed resentment all round.

I am still unsure how involved we should be with each other's lives and to what extent we need to know each other, I may start another thread. I do feel guilty that I kind of caused an argument between them but for now it feels like too much and I'm glad I've been able to raise my concerns with DP and that he's effectively dealt with it.

[Goldmandra]

I do feel guilty that I kind of caused an argument between them

Try not to feel guilty. I think this may have been a conversation that needed to happen and positive changes, particularly for the children, may result from it.

[DoJo]

It sounds like a good outcome in as much as your partner is now a bit more 'on side' with you and the way you feel about this situation. I also think it's quite a big breakthrough that the ex has admitted that she is having trouble dealing with the situation - no doubt that was hard for her to do and made her feel quite vulnerable, and to do so knowing that it would likely be reported back to you shows some degree of trust and understanding of your position IMO.

I think the potential tug o' war concerning her desire for control, and your understandable discomfort with that, will possibly reach a natural conclusion as the status quo is maintained and she comes to realise that everything is fine. This might dampen her resolve to spend more time with you should you move in together, or it might make it easier for you to countenance such an idea, either way I would hope/imagine that these early days are probably going to be the most difficult, for her particularly. It sounds like she is genuinely just keen to know a bit more about a person that her children will be spending time with, which I think is understandable, even if you do not feel the same way.

Of course, the children also need to be considered, so perhaps if you find yourself railing against what you see as her attempts to control the situation and unsure of whether that is your sensitivity to such issues or a genuine concern, using their well-being as a barometer to gauge your reaction might help you to assess the reasonableness of her requests and your responses.

Good luck - you sound like you have handled this with a great deal of dignity, and hopefully things will continue in the same vein.

[DoJo]

I'm also finding it hard to understand the viewpoint that your children's father is to be trusted but might allow them to sleep somewhere they aren't clean, safe and warm.

In fairness, my mum thought that she could trust my dad after their divorce and within a few months he had taken us up to sleep on the floor (literally) of his new girlfriend's house. She had several cats, we were both allergic (inherited from my dad, so no way he wasn't aware!) and I ended up having an asthma attack. He did go from being a relatively decent parent to a self-centred and increasingly ill-functioning one without my mum's influence and willingness to pick up the pieces.

I think when you split from someone who you once thought you would spend your life with, it can make you question your judgement, and if you are already feeling vulnerable then adding children into the mix can just really push your buttons. I'm sure there are mature, sensible people on here who could rise above such feelings (and the OP is clearly one), and I admire that immensely, but I dread to think what a neurotic mess I would be in the same position!

[Goldmandra]

I guess that makes sense, Dojo. Thank you.