Is this a reasonable request?

[ColaCubed]

I'm in a newish relationship (less than a year). We both have DCs from previous relationships. We've all met one another and things are gong well so far.

However, DP's ex has made some demands requests along the way such as insisting she meets me before I met their DCs etc. So far I've tried be understanding and have gone along with this. For the most part I stay out of their parenting relationship and do not offer my opinion unless DP specifically asks for it. I am always honest, even where I actually agree with his ex's stance. I try to see things from her perspective as I understand it must be difficult for her to see her DC's form a relationship with someone who is a stranger to her. My ex has not yet moved on but we have a much less involved parenting relationship than they do and so I don't tend to 'interfere' (for want of a better word) in his time with our children. I think hope this will remain the same when he chooses to introduce our DCs to any future partner.

Anyway, his ex has recently said she would like to collect/drop off their DCs at my house the next time they come over (DP doesn't live with me yet but stays over a lot) and I don't know how to feel about it. Apparently she says its because she wants to know where her DCs are when they're away from her (although they've stayed over many times already). Again, I'm trying to be understanding about it but if I'm honest, it's starting to feel a little intrusive and like I'm being 'checked up on' and evaluated. I'm also a little concerned about where these requests will stop. I'm obviously hopeful that we will all remain amicable for the DC's sake and so I don't want to say no to anything that is reasonable. This is the first time I've dated anyone with DCs so this is all unchartered territory for me and so I'm unsure of what is reasonable but I'm keen to do the right thing by everybody. I guess it just feels a little strange that I'm having to accommodate a quasi relationship with his ex when I've only met her briefly and this is all being done through DP. Incidentally, I'd be happy to get to know her better but it's still early days in my mind and I just assumed this would be something that developed naturally over time rather than being 'forced'. Any thoughts or advice?

[juliej75]

Sorry, that was very negative. The key is the first sentence. If she's not an obstructive, bitter witch then, yes, I'd let her come and see my place!

[velvetspoon]

To those posters who say you'd want to meet the person, know where they lived etc, what if you didn't like them, or the environment the lived in, or the 'look' of the house, what then?

There wouldn't be anything you could do about it, unless you could show the children were in danger, which is unlikely to be the case. So why the need to know?

[ColaCubed]

Julie, that sounds like a really difficult situation. I suppose on some level this is what I fear, that she is judging me and might decide I am lacking. I guess there's mothing I can do about that though and in that situation it will be DP's call on how he proceeds. I guess I do feel quite a bit of pressure to keep everyone involved happy and to an extent it does feel like a relationship with three people and not just over this one issue, over quite a few.

[redcaryellowcar]

I can see why you feel uncomfortable, he hasn't even moved in yet and she's behaving as if he has, maybe she's moving things along too fast for you?
I would however empathise with her wanting to know where her dcs are, but I hope in a similar situation that I would ask my children's father the address and leave it at that then check you out on Google Earth!

[MimiSunshine]

Say yes that's fine to the drop off but don't invite her in.

She doesn't need to come in, that's just nosiness. Stand at the door, let the kids in let them know their dads in the kitchen or wherever and they say to her, nice to see you again, I hope you have a nice evening / weekend etc.

She may well want to know where you live and while she doesn't need to, its ok to want to if her kids are there but she doesn't need to inspect your home.

[NamesNick]

to what extent does she want to see your living arrangements?

if it's just knowing where you live then just give her the address.

I don't think it's necessary to invite her in, show her round etc.

afterall when the dc are with dad then surely it's up to him to gauge safety, suitability and comfort of where his children are spending time?

I wouldn't dream of making this request on exp when he eventually meets someone new, because I trust his judgement in the raising of our daughter.

fwiw I have 3 stepsons. I have never met their mother and the dsc stay at ours every other week. she has never even been to my home and likewise dp has never checked the suitability of her new home with new partner.

personally I would find that intrusive.

do we as parents have to vet everywhere our dc go without us? surely of we are happy to leave them in someone else's care then the responsibility is that of the person in charge I.e dad, aunt, grandparent etc

[RainbowFlutterby]

Surely it's enough for the ex to just have the address though?

I'm not "allowed" to go near my ex's house (feck knows why, but he's a weird control freak) even though DS goes there regularly.

I have Google Streetviewed it though .

[Goldmandra]

My children would not be disappearing off to someone else's house without me knowing exactly where they were, especially if I didn't know the person.

You wouldn't allow your children's father to take them anywhere you hadn't checked out yourself first? That's just plain bizarre!

OP, I think you're doing the right thing but only because you're in a relationship with her children's father and it will help the children for you to all have a basic knowledge about each other and be able to chat and answer questions. I always think it must be hard for children to have their parents know nothing about what goes on in each other's houses yet both are those children's homes.

if you can build a reasonably cooperative relationship with her, it could be of great benefit to the children.

However, your DP is their father and shouldn't have to check with her about his every move with them. He has equal parental responsibility and is just as able to make decisions about where they should go and who they should spend time with as she is. I wouldn't want to allow this 'checking up' to reinforce the idea that it is reasonable for her to make rules about what the children do during their time with their father.

[NamesNick]

it's absolutely enough rainbow, else where would it end?

would we personally check hotels, caravans or extended family members homes prior to our dc visiting?

in my experience these requests are based on an element of mistrust of the father and/or about the mother trying to emphasise a bit of control.

if we are happy for our dc to stay with dad for contact periods then we must be able to trust their judgement

[ColaCubed]

By all accounts, DP offered her my address but she wasn't happy with this as a compromise, she wants to physically see my house - to what extent, I'm not sure. I could of course be wrong - and it's the reason I posted in the first place - but my feeling is that she's being nosey rather than concerned. I obviously don't know her very well, apart from what my DP has told me (and I'm always aware that's just his version) but I feel she has the capacity to be unreasonable (as we all do ).

I have asked DP if she wants to come in and he said no but I don't think he knows this for sure. The other issue is that their youngest is desperate for me to see her bedroom and is always asking me to visit her mum's house. I have a feeling she may want to invite her mum in and I'd look a bitch for saying no to a child. Of course I will do what's necessary to forge a good relationship between us all, but right now this feels like more than I signed myself up for. As has been mentioned, DP doesnt even live with me yet. If it's relevant, I'm not the first partner DP has introduced their DC to, but I'm not sure how they managed that between themselves.

[NamesNick]

colacubed. you shouldn't have to be dealing with this at this stage in your relationship. its just odd imo.

you and dp do not live together so her justification for coming to see your home is way off.

how do you feel about letting a perfect stranger into your home?

[RainbowFlutterby]

I think if I was in your situation Cola I would agree to the drop off, but not to her coming in.

If the child asks, a simple "not today Sweetheart" should be fine.

[SlicedAndDiced]

ColaCubed I'd just be careful if I were you.

I can't see why she isn't satisfied with having an address. Even if she doesn't like you or hates your house she doesn't get a say in where her dc's go while in their dads custody anyway. (Unless there were serious safety issues etc. which is unlikely)

It just smacks of being nosy and wanting to exert a little control over a situation that frankly, she has no control over.

I may be a little wary though. Dp's ex wanted to get an up close and personal look at me. Though apparently my blonde hair and 'ample' bosom offended her because she then promptly started an argument and punched dp in the face.

Thankfully I didn't have to meet her again though

[MimiSunshine]

I have asked DP if she wants to come in and he said no but I don't think he knows this for sure.

It doesn't matter, do you want to invite her in? If no then don't, she doesn't get to come in just because she's their mother. Its your home, your decision and if the little girl mentions it, just say its not a good time, but maybe another day and point her in the direction of her dad.

[NamesNick]

slicedanddiced
damn you and those bosoms

it is about control. and quite frankly it is up to dp to manage this.

You do not want to be in a situation down the line where dp is keeping two women happy - because by keeping ex happy he could inadvertently upset you, and you may end up feeling less of a priority.

has ex ever threatened to cut contact when dp doesn't meet her demands? (out of curiosity)

[Jessica85]

She has no say over where the DC go with their father, unless she knows he is taking them somewhere unsafe. Unless he has given her reason to think his judgement can't be trusted, then she needs to accept that she isn't in control of everywhere her kids go or who they meet when they are with their father. It sounds incredibly controlling IMO.

Imagine if the situation were reversed. I reckon there'd be outcry on AIBU if a RP asked for advice because the NRP wanted to meet all adults the DC came into contact with, including visiting all homes!

[Goldmandra]

If she has the address, she could look at your house any time. She wouldn't need you permission.

I would work on the assumption that she would like to come in if I were you and discuss with your DP in advance how you will both respond if that happens.

If you're concerned that one of the children will ask to invite her in, why don't you take control by inviting her over when they aren't around? That way you call the shots.

[NamesNick]

cola, does ex have a new partner too? (apologies if this has already been mentioned)

[SlicedAndDiced]

NamesNick I know. Personally I'm not all that impressed with them but she obviously was!

I could have understood if I was the ow. But actually she had left dp two years previously for om! People are strange.

It is all about control op. To be honest if you are just firm from the start about where you draw the line you could save yourself a lot of hassle.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Goldmandra. No. I wouldn't let my dh take my children away without telling me where they're going.

The school needs my written permission to take them on a day trip. If they were staying the night, with a total stranger, yes I would want to know where they were. I couldn't give a shit if it was dh or Jesus Christ himself, I will know where they are at all times.

[NamesNick]

the last statement by slicedanddiced sums it up for me.

people are strange and deal with things differently.

However, I also believe that it's down to what your dp is willing to allow.
will he agree to her demands for an easy life? will he refrain from standing up to her incase she uses the children as weapons?

I am speaking from personal experience and when dps ex withheld contact we called her bluff, it wasn't long afterwards that she changed her tune

[Goldmandra]

No. I wouldn't let my dh take my children away without telling me where they're going.

The OP has been offered the address so she does know where they will be going.

Would you also feel the need to go and physically check the house out because that's the request you seem to think is perfectly reasonable?

[RainbowFlutterby]

MsAdora - you just need the address though. If your children are going on a trip 2 counties away to some kind of museum or centre, would you drive over there and check it out?
Personally I'd just look it up online.

[NamesNick]

I will know where they are at all times

wow, what a statement