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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 year-old birthday party etiquette...

49 replies

Pinkbatrobi · 27/01/2015 21:47

AIBU to think that asking your guests to "bring £20 to contribute to the bill" is not acceptable? My daughter came to me asking if I didn't think it weird that she received an invite for a party in a restaurant with precisely that request and smiley face... And I certainly do! I am surprised that anybody would ask such a thing. We have always paid for our children's parties, and when she wanted to take friends to a restaurant last year we limited numbers to her two best friends and paid for them, we didn't invite 9 and asked them to pay for themselves... AIBU to think that if you can't afford it (and they are a well off family, double income, detached house - not short of money!), you don't do it? After all there are loads of ways your kids can celebrate their birthday that are inexpensive...Besides, we looked at the restaurant's menu, and you'd be hard pushed to spend £20 quid there - a pizza, a drink and a dessert are about £12. So my daughter wants to go, bring only £12 and ask to pay her bill separately. Are the extra £8 each for the cake? I think it would be better not to go at all and avoid the whole embarrassing situation. In fact I'd push to avoid this girl altogether in future...so...what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/01/2015 22:29

Dd went to Nando's in Manchester to celebrate her 15th.

I delivered them to the station and collected them, but didn't provide any money. The girls paid for themselves.

I did have great cake for them at home though.

YABU

Rivercam · 27/01/2015 22:29

At 14, I would expect the parents to pay. If they are feeling a bit short of cash ( for whatever reason), they could always cook pizza at home and get a dvd.

curlycat · 27/01/2015 22:34

DD is 15 soon and it seems to be that the birthday girl/boy just say hey do you fancy going to nandos on my birthday then they all pile in and pay their own way. No-one is offended and after 14 years of paying for parties im happy with it as well. Its actuslly really good for the kids whose parents cant afford to 'host' a get together. Birthday child still gets a fun day with friends but no pressure of a huge bill

Original poster

Pinkbatrobi · 27/01/2015 22:34

Oh well, maybe I'm just very old fashioned because I'm sorry, but the grown up argument doesn't convince me at all. I was brought up to think that if you are INVITED somewhere whether it's a birthday, or a wedding or whatever you are not going to have to foot a bill, and indeed whenever I've had parties for my birthdays as a grown up, I've paid for them, whether it was going out for a meal with a few friends, or for drinks...or inviting people over to my house to celebrate when I couldn't afford otherwise.

Of course you go out informally and pay for your share (and even my daughter has done so with some of her friends to celebrate the end of school for instance, or after a day shopping in town, and of course she had money to pay her share) but then in my experience friends have a say as to when, where etc...I see it as a completely different situation.

I do still think it is very poor form indeed to issue a WRITTEN invitation specifying the amount of money you have to bring...indeed the fact that it had to be written at all in my opinion proves that it would otherwise be assumed that the guests might not otherwise be sent with money...precisely because it's not the done thing.

But very interesting to read the different points of view here, obviously the parents of this girl probably think, like some of you, that it is a perfectly legitimate request...so thanks for replying!

OP posts:

engeika · 27/01/2015 22:35

It's fine. A more adult way of doing things. My teens do this now.

EduCated · 27/01/2015 22:36

Think it depends who the request came from - if it came from the birthday girl herself YABU; if it came from the parents YANBU.

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/01/2015 22:38

Agree I would never issue an invite with a demand for money. That would be rude.

MillionToOneChances · 27/01/2015 22:40

Gutsy, my DD wants to do this kind of shopping trip for her 13th birthday. She negotiated that the money I might have spent on an activity should be divided between the few guests for spending money (£10 each), then I can take them for a modest meal (lucky me). I was mortified when one of the parents hadn't grasped that I was providing the spending money, in spite of clear invitation wording.

I think the contribution to a meal is a more grown up approach. It's how we adults do it, generally.

Sickoffrozen · 27/01/2015 22:40

I would just be glad it's at a restaurant and not a house. I attended lots of "interesting" house parties at 14/15 where a £20 bill was the least of a parents worries!

MrsTawdry · 27/01/2015 22:42

Million that's what I'm doing for my DDs 11th! Where are you taking them to shop? I thought New Look as it's big and they can wander about for ages....then I'm shoving them into a local cafe which does naice afternoon teas (dds choice!) and leaving them! They're mature enough I think. I was told on MN to say on the invitation "We have vouchers for the girls so no money is needed"

Notso · 27/01/2015 22:43

This seems to be the done thing now for DD's group of friends. Not requesting specific amounts of money but paying for themselves.
I find there's rarely much change from £25 as they often club together and pay for the birthday girl. Then there's the present on top which is never less than £15.
I feel rude allowing DD to do the same though so will probably pay for her party mug

MrsTawdry · 27/01/2015 22:43

Pink maybe the parents can't afford to pay for everyone? Shouldn't they have any celebration for their DD?

MillionToOneChances · 27/01/2015 22:45

I agree that the written birthday invitation with contribution request is a bit gauche, possibly just an awkward crossover from children's celebrations to adults.

I loathe this 'host pays' concept for adults. My friend lives in Germany and avoids going out on her birthday because have to bankrupt yourself buying drinks for the whole bar and paying for everyone' meal. Crazy unless you go out enough to benefit from the reciprocation.

Having a party is different - I'll happily provide everything except the 'bring a bottle' part. For dinners empty handed guests are most welcome.

MillionToOneChances · 27/01/2015 22:48

Mrs T, she wants the run of Bluewater, which makes me a little nervy but they're sensible kids and I may stalk them. They'll spend most of their time in H&M I would guess, because that's my DD's favourite shop. Nandos is apparently the place to eat from their point of view.

GokTwo · 27/01/2015 22:49

For some reason this wouldn't bother me that much perhaps because of the age of the children involved. Personally if we are hosting a party for Dd we would only invite as many as we could pay for hence this year she had a picnic in the park so that she could invite lots of friends instead of a more expensive meal. I'd imagine as they get older though there is more paying for yourself.

MrsTawdry · 27/01/2015 22:53

I suggested Nandos to my DD Million but no...she MUST have afternoon tea with cakestands! I think her mates would prefer peri peri chicken but it's her birthday!

PurpleSwift · 28/01/2015 00:55

I suppose for a 14 yr olds party it's a little unusual. My friend went for a meal for her 16th bd, it was a come along if you like type thing and I paid for myself and I was only 14. I wouldn't have expected otherwise.

Summerisle1 · 28/01/2015 01:06

14/15 seems to be the crossover age between organised parties paid for by the parents of the birthday person and more independent arrangements.

By the time my dcs were this age they were organising their own birthday celebrations which tended to involved some sort of Eat Your Own Weight in Pizza deal followed by an activity - usually bowling, skating or a film. I was quite happy to provide transport, if required, but everyone paid for themselves.

This said, I didn't issue formal invitations which do tend to imply some sort of hosting rather than a "pay for yourself" arrangement. But I wouldn't think it was unreasonable for a 14 year old to be paying for their share of things. I think it helps if the arrangements aren't so formally conveyed though.

Original poster

Pinkbatrobi · 28/01/2015 01:48

Mrs T, as I said, in my way of thinking (and teaching my kids) if you can't afford it, you don't do it! Of course they can celebrate, but they could be doing something else...having a takeaway, a dvd and a sleepover wouldn't cost £20 each, to mention one option... And in any case I'm willing to bet they CAN afford it... that's kind of the point...

OP posts:

Mandatorymongoose · 28/01/2015 02:04

It would be fine by me, I would expect DD (15) to pay for herself from her pocket money, although I might slip her an extra few pounds towards it. I also expect her to buy gifts from her own money now. If she didn't think it was worth it she could decline - managing her money is her job now and an important life skill.

The invitation wouldn't bother me either, I think it's giving people a fair idea of what to expect.

If I went out with my friends for my birthday for drinks or a meal I'd expect everyone to pay for themselves (and maybe even buy me a birthday drink if they were feeling generous ) if they had better things to do with their money I wouldn't begrudge them not coming. By 14/15 I'd have assumed a lot of children were taking responsibility for at least some money management.

Postchildrenpregranny · 28/01/2015 02:24

Loletta is right.

The exception we made was when they got to 18 . Both had meals out with friends. We agreed a set sum (working on a likely cost for about 12 including the birthday girl, I think ) and it was then up to them how many they invited . We made it clear to them (and the restaurants involved, to which I took balloons, table sprinkles, a birthday cake, prior and paid over the money) that any balance (including a decent tip)would be split between them and they would all contribute equally . They made that clear to the inivitees . By then the majority had pt jobs . Or rich parents.I think in the event the money we put down covered it. I did also privately tell the restaurant to contact me if there was any problem .There wasn't . And as far as I know no one got extremely drunk .

redcaryellowcar · 28/01/2015 06:27

I confess to not having teenagers (3&1 yr olds) but have to say I think I would expect to provide a birthday party/ treat for them as long as I can afford to do so and certainly as teenagers.
I think it's particularly odd they have asked for a specific amount of money, I assume that if they wished for the restaurant bill to be split then that would be a better way of saying it? (Maybe 'could you send cash to cover their own meal'?)
Practically I'm not sure how I would handle this as I assume it's tricky for your dd, she probably wants to go, so ur or not it puts you in a tricky position.

ChippingInLatteLover · 28/01/2015 06:37

I think it's totally fine. By the time they're old enough to go out and do 'grown up' things they're old enough to pay their way. Whether that's from Birthday money/Christmas money/paper run/parental generosity or whatever.

I'm surprised you have always footed the bill for dinner out for your friends, but then perhaps you're older than me. It's something my parents generation did, but not mine. We 'pay our way'.

Paisleychick · 28/01/2015 06:40

I think it depends who's asking. My 15 yr old organises his own birthday parties now so if they go out for a meal, they pay their own way. If it was me hosting then I would pay. Did the invite definitely come from the parents?

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