To be hurt by ex-Nanny's reference request for my 'SEN' child

[UpsideAndAround]

My ex-Nanny has got a new job working with young children with SEN, good luck to her as she's got the character for it. However it came through when I got the reference request that she'd cited looking after my youngest as experience caring for an SEN child.

DD has always been a bit behind her peers, and has actually now been referred to the child development centre. My Nanny though doesn't know this as it's after she left. We never really talked about DD's development really, certainly I don't identify her as SEN. She's only two, and to me full of potential! There was a vague talk about her size and stages being different from others at playgroups etc, but it was never an issue. She is simply like looking after a younger baby, rather than a child that requires different care. I have told the Nanny she was considered as having VERY mild cerebral palsy after are view at 9 months by the hospital but we'd talk about how she'd seem to have beaten this diagnosis. To my face she was positive about DD, cared for her a lot, but never spoke of her as SEN.

I may be unreasonable, but I've never described her as SEN and I guess I'm hurt anyone else would without at least talking to me first. I'm often told she doesn't stand out as different, or how well she's doing and this reference request has knocked me a bit.

So as not to drip feed, DD is only mildly behind now in motor skills. You probably wouldn't notice unless I said her age to you, she walks well, it's subtle. She doesn't talk at all, and generally looks and acts young. She presents as around 13/14 months I'd say to the typical observer but as she's tiny (about 9kg) you'd think she was this age. She's a dream to look after, cuddly, quiet and passive but with a ready smile and laugh. From a floppy 9 month old she's made really rapid progress, the concerns now are more about the absence of speech or understanding of single words.

[IsItMeOr]

Chilling has expressed it very articulately.

[UpsideAndAround]

Thanks all.

I think Mampire has gone down to why I'm put out, it's special education NEEDS. Using DD on a reference implies our Nanny was aware of her needs and met them.

She was lovely, really really caring, but we did have a concern about dd spending all day with her in that it didn't help her develop. DD would sit silently on your lap all day, and the Nanny let her mainly. Really loving, but no real learning. She was a young girl, first job. Despite guidance she never modelled much speech, got out activities to stimulate her or did exercise. Others from playgroup described this too, she'd sit around with DD on her lap, often them both staring into space. I cannot fault how tender and loving she was, she'd let her sleep on her, but DD was very much her little dolly. Being so tiny and cuddly you could just carry her round and our Nanny loved her to pieces.

Also as Alice says, it would be polite to ask, it is quite personal. It's not a general 'I worked in a class for SEN', but something with my surname and address included. Both my husband and I work in a similar field to her new job, so it's not unimaginable that the reference wouldn't go to an acquaintance (it hasn't). I'm not embarrassed of DD, but I do work with a fair few old school speech delay= poor parenting types, and that irks.

zzzzz- thanks. I guess I see DD has having very mild CP, i.e. not SN, and a unrelated speech delay that we'll overcome. That's were I am in my head, rightly or wrongly.

[Purplepoodle]

My ds2 has major speech problems but his understanding is fine and he is classed professionally as sen. From your description I would probably describe her as sen at the moment as she has no speech and more worryingly little understanding. However it was wrong for nanny to use this without discussing it with you. This a super sensitive time and iv been through it too as everything was thrown at me at the two year check for ds2 when there had been no mention before that.

[sykadelic]

YANBU to be hurt that your nanny has given your child a label that has not already been given to her.

It sounds to me also like she was CV-boosting. I certainly don't think looking after a 9 month old would be helping with her educational needs so I wouldn't be giving her a review.

I don't know how the reference thing works but I would tell them that you daughter was 9 months when being looked after by X and that you were told you child possibly has mild CP but that no education by the Nanny took place so you couldn't in all honesty say the nanny had experience with SEN. That she was lovely and caring though and clearly loved your DD.