To be hurt by ex-Nanny's reference request for my 'SEN' child

[UpsideAndAround]

My ex-Nanny has got a new job working with young children with SEN, good luck to her as she's got the character for it. However it came through when I got the reference request that she'd cited looking after my youngest as experience caring for an SEN child.

DD has always been a bit behind her peers, and has actually now been referred to the child development centre. My Nanny though doesn't know this as it's after she left. We never really talked about DD's development really, certainly I don't identify her as SEN. She's only two, and to me full of potential! There was a vague talk about her size and stages being different from others at playgroups etc, but it was never an issue. She is simply like looking after a younger baby, rather than a child that requires different care. I have told the Nanny she was considered as having VERY mild cerebral palsy after are view at 9 months by the hospital but we'd talk about how she'd seem to have beaten this diagnosis. To my face she was positive about DD, cared for her a lot, but never spoke of her as SEN.

I may be unreasonable, but I've never described her as SEN and I guess I'm hurt anyone else would without at least talking to me first. I'm often told she doesn't stand out as different, or how well she's doing and this reference request has knocked me a bit.

So as not to drip feed, DD is only mildly behind now in motor skills. You probably wouldn't notice unless I said her age to you, she walks well, it's subtle. She doesn't talk at all, and generally looks and acts young. She presents as around 13/14 months I'd say to the typical observer but as she's tiny (about 9kg) you'd think she was this age. She's a dream to look after, cuddly, quiet and passive but with a ready smile and laugh. From a floppy 9 month old she's made really rapid progress, the concerns now are more about the absence of speech or understanding of single words.

[sykadelic]

YANBU to be hurt that your nanny has given your child a label that has not already been given to her.

It sounds to me also like she was CV-boosting. I certainly don't think looking after a 9 month old would be helping with her educational needs so I wouldn't be giving her a review.

I don't know how the reference thing works but I would tell them that you daughter was 9 months when being looked after by X and that you were told you child possibly has mild CP but that no education by the Nanny took place so you couldn't in all honesty say the nanny had experience with SEN. That she was lovely and caring though and clearly loved your DD.

[Purplepoodle]

My ds2 has major speech problems but his understanding is fine and he is classed professionally as sen. From your description I would probably describe her as sen at the moment as she has no speech and more worryingly little understanding. However it was wrong for nanny to use this without discussing it with you. This a super sensitive time and iv been through it too as everything was thrown at me at the two year check for ds2 when there had been no mention before that.

[UpsideAndAround]

Thanks all.

I think Mampire has gone down to why I'm put out, it's special education NEEDS. Using DD on a reference implies our Nanny was aware of her needs and met them.

She was lovely, really really caring, but we did have a concern about dd spending all day with her in that it didn't help her develop. DD would sit silently on your lap all day, and the Nanny let her mainly. Really loving, but no real learning. She was a young girl, first job. Despite guidance she never modelled much speech, got out activities to stimulate her or did exercise. Others from playgroup described this too, she'd sit around with DD on her lap, often them both staring into space. I cannot fault how tender and loving she was, she'd let her sleep on her, but DD was very much her little dolly. Being so tiny and cuddly you could just carry her round and our Nanny loved her to pieces.

Also as Alice says, it would be polite to ask, it is quite personal. It's not a general 'I worked in a class for SEN', but something with my surname and address included. Both my husband and I work in a similar field to her new job, so it's not unimaginable that the reference wouldn't go to an acquaintance (it hasn't). I'm not embarrassed of DD, but I do work with a fair few old school speech delay= poor parenting types, and that irks.

zzzzz- thanks. I guess I see DD has having very mild CP, i.e. not SN, and a unrelated speech delay that we'll overcome. That's were I am in my head, rightly or wrongly.

[IsItMeOr]

Chilling has expressed it very articulately.

[TheViolentHour]

Good post chipping. I have been thru something similar myself with a child with language delay, this is the hardest stage when you are waiting for appointments and feel like this sn thing is belonging to a club that you never asked to join. Best wishes for upcoming appointments, and agree with a previous poster that sign and symbols can help with emergent speech, you always run it alongside the spoken word so it is like an extra cue for learning

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

I can understand you being a bit knocked off kilter seeing it written down like that, but to be honest, your ex nanny hasn't done anything wrong. It's no different to saying the ages of the children she was looking after or whether she has potty trained a child, it is a fact about her job.

You are understandably upset after your DD's two year check and you have been let down by professionals in the past who have encouraged you to see your DD as NT when she presents as not :(

However...

To my face she was positive about DD, cared for her a lot, but never spoke of her as SEN

... you are being incredibly unfair. You are making it sound as if your nanny was being duplicitous, she wasn't. She loved and cared for your DD, the fact that she saw the additional needs your daughter had as part & parcel of who she is, means it didn't need discussing, also, if you didn't bring it up, how was she meant to?

You are in an awful place where despite having concerns of your own you have tried to believe the professionals who said your DD is NT, then another professional has said 'no she isn't' and you have been dropped to the ground again.

However, you can't let this cloud your opinion of your ex nanny here - apply your anger & upset to the professionals who ignored your concerns and gave you the false belief that your DD is nt. Who knows how much she will 'make up' but right now she has additional needs and that's hard to face.

[IsItMeOr]

I know that zzzzz.

But in the OP's shoes, I would let it go.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I don't feel the nanny should have disclosed any specific medical information or developmental information (such as indicating that a child has SEN) without first clearing it with the parent. I think that in replying to this, I might state that while yes, my child is being assessed, I would mention that I was uncomfortable with the nanny disclosing this personal information about your child to potential employers (people who do not have a "need to know" about your child's medical/developmental history) without your express permission first, especially as it was unconfirmed medically and thus potentially incorrect information.

[IsItMeOr]

I am honestly struggling to see that the ex-nanny has done anything wrong here.

It does sound like shorthand for "a child who was regarded as having mild cerebral palsy when I cared for them".

But I had a similar reaction when I saw "SEN" against DS's name on a class list for a school outing that was being read by another parent helper. I hadn't twigged that was what the stuff school were doing with us meant, so it was a bit of a shock.

Best of luck OP, it's a bumpy journey getting to a diagnosis.

[WooWooOwl]

Your nanny is just being factual, because that's what you need to do on a CV.

You gorgeousness that is your dd was also part of your nanny's work experiences. I get why it will hurt you to have been faced with it in the way you were, but I'd let it go.

[Mampire]

A special educational need implies that something different is done. What did your nanny do differently for your daughter?

I don't blame you being put out !

[Tinymrscollings]

I feel for you OP. My now 3yo DS's first childminder said something like 'I am experienced in taking care of children with the kind of additional needs your DS has' and it was like a kick in the stomach. It was the first time anyone had said it directly and it was awful.

PP's are right though, it gets easier. If it turns out that your daughter does have some degree of additional needs you'll become used to hearing and saying it very quickly. Not quite sure I'm putting this in the right way but I am so bloomin proud of our DS, what a fabulous boy he is and of the battle he fights for each of his achievements that I kind of like telling people about his needs these days.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Your nanny was wrong and insensitive and should have talked it through with you first, sounds like a case of bigging up her experience to sound qualified for the new job.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I wonder if perhaps it might have made it a bit easier for you if she (the nanny) had contacted you and asked if you minded that she used your dc as a reference specifically pertaining to SEN. It is, after all, telling someone else something quite personal - medical information, in fact - about your child. Surely she should have simply run that by you first before handing that information to someone else? Just my opinion, of course.

[NerfHerder]

she was referred to OT, physio, SALT, the CDT and audiology all in one hit on top of a concern around absence seizures.

But you don't think she has additional needs?

[Madmum24]

YANBU to feel upset OP, but don't take it personally. Your ex nanny is trying to beef up her CV. I used to employ a children's worker for one morning per week to take out youngest toddler whilst i caught up with paper work. Great girl she was too, but you can imagine my horror when i found her complete CV on linkedin and she was describing my child as "severely disabled" The only "disability" that i'm aware of was dd failing to pronounce certain letters properly, which SLT assured me was completely normal for a two year old!

[lougle]

I remember my DSis saying "how date they say that my niece has SN! I replied "well she's my DD and I agree with them!!"

[cestlavielife]

I sometimes say that telling yourself friends family your child has sen is a form of "coming out " .
Once you have done it once it is easier the next time.

[cestlavielife]

Having sen doesn't stop your child from being lovely and a key member of your family.
Your child clearly has sen. Your nanny clearly will be great with other children with sen as she doesn't make a big deal of it. Sees the child first .

Many if us know where you coming from you want mild delay or no delay but at some point you realise better to get the more severe diagnosis so as to get more early intervention...

Oh and focus on using signs symbols pictures for communication. Get an iPad communications app and play around with her. Communication is far more important in the long term the walking...

[Eminado]

Aaaargh for you OP

[Eminado]

[flowers{gor you op

[Draughts]

Ah OP your posts have brought DS' early years flooding. 'He's fine' & 'they all do things in their own time' were frequently narrated lines to me at the GP's and at the clinic.
When he was four we got jus diagnosis of a chromosome abnormality & suddenly he wasn't fine, lazy or just content.
It is a good thing your daughter has been referred to SALT, OT etc but it doesn't make it any less painful.
Your nanny has pushed the boundaries IMO if you had never really discussed the difficulties your DD had, although if she needed the experience to get her job I can see why she would have been tempted. A quick email or phone call to you wouldn't have gone amiss though.
It is a big leap to venture to post on the SN boards but one worth taking.