To be hurt by ex-Nanny's reference request for my 'SEN' child

[UpsideAndAround]

My ex-Nanny has got a new job working with young children with SEN, good luck to her as she's got the character for it. However it came through when I got the reference request that she'd cited looking after my youngest as experience caring for an SEN child.

DD has always been a bit behind her peers, and has actually now been referred to the child development centre. My Nanny though doesn't know this as it's after she left. We never really talked about DD's development really, certainly I don't identify her as SEN. She's only two, and to me full of potential! There was a vague talk about her size and stages being different from others at playgroups etc, but it was never an issue. She is simply like looking after a younger baby, rather than a child that requires different care. I have told the Nanny she was considered as having VERY mild cerebral palsy after are view at 9 months by the hospital but we'd talk about how she'd seem to have beaten this diagnosis. To my face she was positive about DD, cared for her a lot, but never spoke of her as SEN.

I may be unreasonable, but I've never described her as SEN and I guess I'm hurt anyone else would without at least talking to me first. I'm often told she doesn't stand out as different, or how well she's doing and this reference request has knocked me a bit.

So as not to drip feed, DD is only mildly behind now in motor skills. You probably wouldn't notice unless I said her age to you, she walks well, it's subtle. She doesn't talk at all, and generally looks and acts young. She presents as around 13/14 months I'd say to the typical observer but as she's tiny (about 9kg) you'd think she was this age. She's a dream to look after, cuddly, quiet and passive but with a ready smile and laugh. From a floppy 9 month old she's made really rapid progress, the concerns now are more about the absence of speech or understanding of single words.

[hollie84]

I'd imagine that when your ex-nanny was interviewed and asked if she had experience with young children with additional needs she said yes, she's cared for a child with mild CP and a developmental delay. That isn't an insult to your child or you, and doesn't mean she isn't positive about your DD or didn't care for her a lot or see her as full of potential.

[UpsideAndAround]

I must say I'm saying a year behind not in a professionally judged context, just observation at baby group. That's the age where they seem similar to her when you look at larger groups together. They still occasionally fall off chairs/ trip easily/ need help to do steps, don't talk, don't follow instruction, have similar interests etc. I was chatting to a 16 month old and he clearly recognised familiar objects, eg. I could say 'give me the banana' and he'd know the right fruit and answered basic questions. They seem to also know animal noises etc beyond this age. It's what I remember from my others too. The hard bit though is knowing the range of what's normal in all areas. It obvious the fact that she still struggles to roll over is not, but then she can walk a fair distance and look unremarkable walking around.

[UpsideAndAround]

I also should say, all three of my siblings had high level additional needs to I don't see SN as an insult. It is though maybe the reason I'm a little scared of SN (armchair analyse, me...), it's been a rough ride. I'm happy with who she is, and quite accepting really. Although it's a difficult one when pinned down or it's in your face, on a day to day basis it's a non-issue.

lougle, I look at the SN board. I guess it's just a mental leap isn't it.

[lougle]

It is a mental leap. A huge one. I still have to make it every so often.

[Draughts]

Ah OP your posts have brought DS' early years flooding. 'He's fine' & 'they all do things in their own time' were frequently narrated lines to me at the GP's and at the clinic.
When he was four we got jus diagnosis of a chromosome abnormality & suddenly he wasn't fine, lazy or just content.
It is a good thing your daughter has been referred to SALT, OT etc but it doesn't make it any less painful.
Your nanny has pushed the boundaries IMO if you had never really discussed the difficulties your DD had, although if she needed the experience to get her job I can see why she would have been tempted. A quick email or phone call to you wouldn't have gone amiss though.
It is a big leap to venture to post on the SN boards but one worth taking.

[Eminado]

[flowers{gor you op

[Eminado]

Aaaargh for you OP

[cestlavielife]

Having sen doesn't stop your child from being lovely and a key member of your family.
Your child clearly has sen. Your nanny clearly will be great with other children with sen as she doesn't make a big deal of it. Sees the child first .

Many if us know where you coming from you want mild delay or no delay but at some point you realise better to get the more severe diagnosis so as to get more early intervention...

Oh and focus on using signs symbols pictures for communication. Get an iPad communications app and play around with her. Communication is far more important in the long term the walking...

[cestlavielife]

I sometimes say that telling yourself friends family your child has sen is a form of "coming out " .
Once you have done it once it is easier the next time.

[lougle]

I remember my DSis saying "how date they say that my niece has SN! I replied "well she's my DD and I agree with them!!"

[Madmum24]

YANBU to feel upset OP, but don't take it personally. Your ex nanny is trying to beef up her CV. I used to employ a children's worker for one morning per week to take out youngest toddler whilst i caught up with paper work. Great girl she was too, but you can imagine my horror when i found her complete CV on linkedin and she was describing my child as "severely disabled" The only "disability" that i'm aware of was dd failing to pronounce certain letters properly, which SLT assured me was completely normal for a two year old!

[NerfHerder]

she was referred to OT, physio, SALT, the CDT and audiology all in one hit on top of a concern around absence seizures.

But you don't think she has additional needs?

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I wonder if perhaps it might have made it a bit easier for you if she (the nanny) had contacted you and asked if you minded that she used your dc as a reference specifically pertaining to SEN. It is, after all, telling someone else something quite personal - medical information, in fact - about your child. Surely she should have simply run that by you first before handing that information to someone else? Just my opinion, of course.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Your nanny was wrong and insensitive and should have talked it through with you first, sounds like a case of bigging up her experience to sound qualified for the new job.

[Tinymrscollings]

I feel for you OP. My now 3yo DS's first childminder said something like 'I am experienced in taking care of children with the kind of additional needs your DS has' and it was like a kick in the stomach. It was the first time anyone had said it directly and it was awful.

PP's are right though, it gets easier. If it turns out that your daughter does have some degree of additional needs you'll become used to hearing and saying it very quickly. Not quite sure I'm putting this in the right way but I am so bloomin proud of our DS, what a fabulous boy he is and of the battle he fights for each of his achievements that I kind of like telling people about his needs these days.

[Mampire]

A special educational need implies that something different is done. What did your nanny do differently for your daughter?

I don't blame you being put out !

[WooWooOwl]

Your nanny is just being factual, because that's what you need to do on a CV.

You gorgeousness that is your dd was also part of your nanny's work experiences. I get why it will hurt you to have been faced with it in the way you were, but I'd let it go.

[IsItMeOr]

I am honestly struggling to see that the ex-nanny has done anything wrong here.

It does sound like shorthand for "a child who was regarded as having mild cerebral palsy when I cared for them".

But I had a similar reaction when I saw "SEN" against DS's name on a class list for a school outing that was being read by another parent helper. I hadn't twigged that was what the stuff school were doing with us meant, so it was a bit of a shock.

Best of luck OP, it's a bumpy journey getting to a diagnosis.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I don't feel the nanny should have disclosed any specific medical information or developmental information (such as indicating that a child has SEN) without first clearing it with the parent. I think that in replying to this, I might state that while yes, my child is being assessed, I would mention that I was uncomfortable with the nanny disclosing this personal information about your child to potential employers (people who do not have a "need to know" about your child's medical/developmental history) without your express permission first, especially as it was unconfirmed medically and thus potentially incorrect information.

[IsItMeOr]

I know that zzzzz.

But in the OP's shoes, I would let it go.

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

I can understand you being a bit knocked off kilter seeing it written down like that, but to be honest, your ex nanny hasn't done anything wrong. It's no different to saying the ages of the children she was looking after or whether she has potty trained a child, it is a fact about her job.

You are understandably upset after your DD's two year check and you have been let down by professionals in the past who have encouraged you to see your DD as NT when she presents as not :(

However...

To my face she was positive about DD, cared for her a lot, but never spoke of her as SEN

... you are being incredibly unfair. You are making it sound as if your nanny was being duplicitous, she wasn't. She loved and cared for your DD, the fact that she saw the additional needs your daughter had as part & parcel of who she is, means it didn't need discussing, also, if you didn't bring it up, how was she meant to?

You are in an awful place where despite having concerns of your own you have tried to believe the professionals who said your DD is NT, then another professional has said 'no she isn't' and you have been dropped to the ground again.

However, you can't let this cloud your opinion of your ex nanny here - apply your anger & upset to the professionals who ignored your concerns and gave you the false belief that your DD is nt. Who knows how much she will 'make up' but right now she has additional needs and that's hard to face.

[TheViolentHour]

Good post chipping. I have been thru something similar myself with a child with language delay, this is the hardest stage when you are waiting for appointments and feel like this sn thing is belonging to a club that you never asked to join. Best wishes for upcoming appointments, and agree with a previous poster that sign and symbols can help with emergent speech, you always run it alongside the spoken word so it is like an extra cue for learning