Advice on this - DP feels left out

[chumrun]

I have one brother. He is 18 months older than me and we lost our mum when we were 15 and 17.

It's fair to say our dad went a bit 'strange' after this and although this affected both of us my brother was most impacted and turned to drugs. It was a long and slow decline if you like but he seems to be out the other side now.

Then 3 months ago Dad died and it's brought my brother and I closer together in a way but I've had to take on the supportive role I've always had to.

DP is a relatively new addition (met him in April so he never met my dad) and anyway I was talking about a holiday we are having at the end of this week - just a 3 day break - and I mentioned maybe my brother would like to come and he went absolutely nuclear at me. Said he was sick of hearing about it, he felt pushed out of this shared history (never met my dad or my mum of course) and while he was at it my house looks like a bloody shrine (!)

I of course started crying and he did calm down then and said sorry sorry sorry but if we were going to move forward he had to admit he really dislikes my brother and he thought at first it was cause brother was grieving but he just dislikes him.

I don't know, I can't just leave my brother to it but I can't choose between my brother and DP either. And I'm so pushed for time anyway!

Any suggestions?

[chumrun]

Going nuclear means:

He shouted
Said 'for god sake' a few times
Said 'and look around you, this house is like a bloody shrine as it is'
He made a few noises of frustration - loud groans.

He did not swear or hit me or become violent at all.

I know it sounds like in justifying him and I am not but I am a fair person and I think my comment about going nuclear has been misinterpreted.

[Hassled]

Look - you've had a hell of a tough time of it. You lost your Mum young (so did I - I know it's not something you ever really bounce back from). Your Dad went "strange" to the point that you're struggling to say that you grieved for him when he died. Whatever went on, it must have been hard. Meanwhile you've had a brother with addiction issues and everything that goes with that. None of this can possibly have been easy for you.

So - don't rush anything. Just slow down a bit - you have a lot to absorb. Your DP will hang about if he's worth anything at all, and he'll have to realise you're not choosing between him and your brother and that of course he'll never be part of your history. You've mentioned twice about being pushed for time and overstretched - but you have to make time for yourself, and how you're feeling. Are you sure the overstretched feeling isn't a panic response to all the stress? Sod what DP is feeling - how are you feeling?

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

Chumrun you are picking little pieces out and and getting angry about them. I did not say you needed counselling because you had only had one previous partner. Read what I actually said.

At the point I started writing my post you hadn't said you had married him or had a child with him - just that you'd only had one relationship, not that it makes much difference - it's still only one relationship in your whole adult life.

You say you tried counselling & it didn't work. How many counsellors did you see? What types of counselling did you try? Have you considered that maybe you need to find the right person with the right approach and then it might help?

It doesn't feel like you are 'over stretched', to me it feels like you are running.

I don't know what you want us to say - everything we say is just making you angry.

[chumrun]

Oh yeah I know what you mean - and we are taking it slowly in the sense that (for example) we are spending time together but far from every night and there's no talk of moving in together or anything just yet.

Just the same I know my own mind and feelings and I do really care about him and feel he does for me too. It may work out, it may not, but either way I'm happy and enjoying life.

This thread has helped me see I'm trying to cram too much in and I think part of that is habit - when my dad first died and when something similarly horrible happened two years ago I found it difficult to 'stop' as stopping meant I would cry. Now I can stop without crying but it's still a habit and I need to break it!

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

That's what I was saying about running. You can't be still, sit alone with your thoughts - you need to cram every minute with activity or distraction and being busy - anything to avoid dealing with stuff :( This isn't about being too busy - it's about 'needing to deal with shit'... If you don't deal with some of the shit life has already thrown at you (and god knows there has been plenty) you are going to blow a gasket :(

[Jessica85]

I don't really like my dp's sister, but I'm friendly when I see her, cooked dinner for her last week and make every effort to get on with her because I want my dp to be happy, and family comes first.

It sounds like he doesn't care enough about you to make an effort with your brother. That is not good enough, and I would ditch him.

[Icimoi]

OP is essentially saying her brother is not likeable, which makes it unsurprising that her DP doesn't like him. He's already cancelled one holiday for him, it's not unreasonable for him to object to the fact that the brother expects to tag along with everything OP does and that he specifically wanted to muscle in on a weekend for two.

OP, I think your brother just has to learn to be less dependent on you. I don't think it's a matter of choosing between the two, it's a matter of moving firmly to a more normal balance where your focus is on your DP not your brother, and where your brother becomes independent. The relationship with your DP may or may not last, but at least you will have given it a decent chance.

[AskBasil]

Yes you must always ensure your focus is on your DP.

Never on yourself.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, I was struck by a couple of things that you've said in your posts:

"I'm obviously not choosing between DP and brother but wondering how I'm supposed to see both, work full time, work part time and volunteer and see friends. It's easier to an extent if I can combine the first two and the last one."

"I could give up the volunteering or the part time job but they both need me, and I feel bad! Need to think about this: being pulled every which way at the moment which is the source of the problem."

It strikes me that you have been depended upon far too much by far too many people for far too long.

I can get why you feel you need to support your brother. I can get why you feel you need to continue to volunteer. But - you do a part-time job, on top of a full-time job and mothering a child - because "they" need you? Most people who have a second job do it because they need the money, and give it up as soon as they can afford to because frankly it stretches most people more than they care to be stretched. Can you see how skewed it is to feel you have to continue doing this 'because they need you'?

It sounds to me as if you have become used to meeting the needs of others, and putting yourself last.

[MidniteScribbler]

Really, the only reaction your brother should have to being invited on holidays was 'oh dear god no! You and your DP need time together.'. He is using you and while it continues he has no need to make any changes to his situation. He needs his own friends, find his own partner, make his own social life. Spending time together is great, but I really don't see a partner who has already had to cancel one holiday because of this brother needing to be happy that the rearranged holiday is again being hijacked by this brother.

Re, the shrine, is your house really like that? I was a similar age to you when my mother died (16), and also when my father died (32). I inherited everything they owned after his death, and it did mean that I ended up surrounded by my parents life, and not my own. It took a little while, but I had to learn to let go of some of the things that had meaning to them, but not to me. Some was sold, some was given away, some donated. It really was like freeing myself to move on. I still have some very special items in my home, and plenty of photos, but it's balanced with the mementos of my own life as well. Those items that I kept were transformed in to items that suited my style, some paintings got reframed, some items got repurposed. I even broke up heaps of the fancy glassware they had kept and used it to make a mosaic which now is mounted on my deck. It is entirely possible for a home to end up being like a 'shrine' to those who have passed. It's part of the grieving process to let some of those items go.

It can be a case when you a lose a parent at a young age that you end up in a different role to the one you expect in life. It is a process that you need to go through to reclaim your own life and realise that you are not your parents, their role in life is not your role, and you need to just look after yourself first of all.

[CharlieSierra]

What you say about the way your boyfriend behaved, going nuclear and telling you how things need to be in order to move forward is a massive red flag, the apparent sincerity of his apology is irrelevant, abusive controlling men are frequently apologetic after their outbursts as well as charming and charismatic. Also you say you 'feel guilty' about giving up the part time job and volunteering, as they need you. Your brother 'needs' you, your boyfriend is pressurising you for attention, do you see a pattern? I think despite what you say about counselling, you really need some help. I hope you dump your shitty boyfriend and get the help you need to sort out your feelings about responsibility for your adult brother and come to terms with your grief.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

I think you need to put your DP out of the equation for a minute, and think about what you want from your relationship with your brother. If DP wasn't on the scene, would you still want to cut down the amount of time you see DB? Would you still prefer not to go on holiday with him, or not have him on your nights out? Would he still be a very active part of your social group, or would you honestly prefer to see him once a week, or once a month?

If your DP wasn't around, and you think that you would still like to see DB a lot, then I think you are being inconsiderate to your brother- essentially dumping him for a man. If you would be happy that you were going to see DB once every few weeks for a Sunday lunch, even if you were single, then figure out how to distance yourself a bit. Don't let your partner influence how much you see your family- he's your brother, he's been around a lot longer, and he'll be in your life forever, your partner may not be.