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AIBU?

Advice on this - DP feels left out

112 replies

chumrun · 25/08/2014 09:22

I have one brother. He is 18 months older than me and we lost our mum when we were 15 and 17.

It's fair to say our dad went a bit 'strange' after this and although this affected both of us my brother was most impacted and turned to drugs. It was a long and slow decline if you like but he seems to be out the other side now.

Then 3 months ago Dad died and it's brought my brother and I closer together in a way but I've had to take on the supportive role I've always had to.

DP is a relatively new addition (met him in April so he never met my dad) and anyway I was talking about a holiday we are having at the end of this week - just a 3 day break - and I mentioned maybe my brother would like to come and he went absolutely nuclear at me. Said he was sick of hearing about it, he felt pushed out of this shared history (never met my dad or my mum of course) and while he was at it my house looks like a bloody shrine (!)

I of course started crying and he did calm down then and said sorry sorry sorry but if we were going to move forward he had to admit he really dislikes my brother and he thought at first it was cause brother was grieving but he just dislikes him.

I don't know, I can't just leave my brother to it but I can't choose between my brother and DP either. And I'm so pushed for time anyway!

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

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Littlegreyauditor · 25/08/2014 20:12

You seem to live a very full life OP, always running between various responsibilities, no time to do anything for 'you'. Is that just a habit, or are you always running so you don't have to deal with all the stuff lurking in the background?

That sounds very psychology for beginners, I know and I'm sorry, but I know people like you, buzzing around like a wasp in a jar, unable to drop any of the self imposed obligations because they would feel too guilty. Something has got to give, that is inevitable, please just make sure that something isn't you.

I'm sorry about your Dad.

sunbathe · 25/08/2014 20:12

I wonder, chumrun, if you were leant on too heavily after your mum's death and it's moulded you into someone who feels they must cope. With anything. With everything.

My mum's mum died when she was younger than you and I know her dad placed a lot of responsibility on her shoulders.

It certainly affected my mum.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/08/2014 20:29

Madamecastafiore

"Personally, I would ditch any man who said something so nastily about any member of my family. Especially someone who has always relied I me and is still grieving. I really could not see myself going forward in a relationship with someone who lacked empathy to such a degree."

We are back to family comes first. At what point does the OP get to choose?

"I think the problem is that the DP has no right to "go nuclear" at this stage of the relationship."

I would like to know exactly what "go nuclear" means, is the OP using it as a phrase, a big row or something more sinister. As for whether he has the right, probably not but this is the second time that plans have been changed due to the DB. If this is going to be a regular pattern is this going to be any sort of a relationship if the DB has a leading role?

"FWIW I think the role of a partner in the honeymoon phase of a relationship at a generally acknowledged difficult time (whether you feel it's difficult or not) isn't to cause you extra stress in trying to balance meeting everyone's needs, it's to take some of the weight off, so that you feel supported at a time like this, isn't it?"

I don't agree the honeymoon period for me is the part where you exclusively enjoy each others company.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2014 20:34

A DP? You have known this guy for five minutes and he is already 'going nuclear', whilst he is at it and trying to control how you decorate your own house?

More red flags here than a Communist party convention.

And stop considering everyone you date for a few months as a 'partner'.

Ditch this controlling dickhead, too.

AskBasil · 25/08/2014 20:39

Would you expect to exclusively enjoy the company of a new gf who had a very vulnerable brother and had just lost her father BBJ?

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/08/2014 20:54

Basil

In a honeymoon period, yes I would. I don't believe that this relationship is in a honeymoon period and (I am going to be blunt) I doubt that given the brother's circumstances and dependence on the OP that it will ever get to that stage.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 21:41

Expat - what would you like me to say? You see I just don't agree five months is five minutes. And I don't consider 'every guy I date for five minutes' to be a DP; I have only ever had one relationship prior to this and no dates. It's just not me.

I daresay somebody will inform me that because of this I'm clearly desperate, needy and scared to be alone but I'm not and incorrect assumptions about my character make me question the ones made about DP. (By the way I have known him much much longer than 5 months but it's only since April we've been together.)

I do probably put others first but that's when I'm happy so it's hard to stop. My voluntary work is really a form of selfishness as I like it - I enjoy helping people.

I don't want to be nursemaid to my brother for the rest of my life but it's very hard to see someone you love suffering.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/08/2014 21:47

Then stay with him and let him control your life.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 21:51

Why are you being so rude and unpleasant to me?

I haven't been rude to you or to anybody.

You are making me feel upset and annoyed and frustrated by posting in this way. I'm saying this because you probably don't realise your words are having a real impact on me but they are. You've made assumptions about me and DP that are far from correct and they are unpleasant to read.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/08/2014 21:54

I am not being rude and unpleasant. You asked for advice, mine is not to stay with someone who 'goes nuclear' on you after a few months of dating, criticises how you handle a recent and serious bereavement, and tries,to drive a wedge between you and a close family member like this.

But feel free to be angry with random people online who give you an opinion you don't like or agree with rather than a boyfriend who acts this way early on in a relationship.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 22:00

It isn't about feeling free expat it's about the fact that you have made assumptions that aren't accurate .

It would be one thing if these assumptions had been made in a caring and polite manner but in your case they were rude and abrupt.

I do not 'refer to men I've been dating five minutes' as my DP; I have had one relationship before DP and I married him and we had a child. Then when that came to an end 2 years ago it took that long for me to even think about dating someone else again!

But I have been described as someone scared to be alone, who dates random men and calls them her partner, who is desperate and needy. Given I KNOW that's nonsense I'm afraid I think a lot of what has been written about DP is nonsense too. But there have been some interesting posts too so I'm not sorry I posted but I just wish people didn't have to be so rude.

OP posts:

CatKisser · 25/08/2014 22:00

In fairness, I can see why the OP is frustrated by your posts, Expat. They come across as very "this is the way it is and if you don't agree more fool you."

chumrun · 25/08/2014 22:01

That's exactly it Cat, it's arrogant and obnoxious when people do this.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/08/2014 22:03

So ignore them, and the other ones about her being needy or scared to be alone, and whoever posted them, too. Or get angry and upset over them.

This is a huge Internet forum.

I'm on a phone with a small screen.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2014 22:05

I see, we must all post something the OP wants to hear.

Carry on getting personal, I am very used to it as don't NC. Although might be a good idea.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 22:07

I am not choosing to get upset, expat, it just is upsetting to be told in a brusque manner something that isn't true.

There's a difference between posting something someone might not want to hear and posting something rude because - why? I genuinely don't know or understand why someone would want to make someone else feel bad.

OP posts:

CatKisser · 25/08/2014 22:08

I don't think it's getting personal to point out when someone's posting in a way that might cause upset.

It's really frustrating to be told "you are this" "he is that" and just because the OP doesn't want to nod and agree that yes she is all those things, doesn't mean she only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2014 22:10

I don't find it rude, you do. So be it. Again, continue focusing on my two posts and getting personal and making it all about me and not a person who does this to a person newly bereaved of their parent.

I think it's a dealbreaker.

My advice is to break it off.

The thread was to ask for advice.

Mine is that his behaviour is a serious red flag.

You disagree.

Okay then.

Hassled · 25/08/2014 22:11

You come as part of a package - it's you and your brother, who needs you, whether you like it or not. Just as when I first met my DH, I came as part of a package (my oldest kids). And your DP has to accept that, just as my DH had to. It does make things messy and complicated - but then that's life.

I've gathered that this isn't what you want to hear but I'm with those saying your DP needs to learn about empathy and compromise and all the other important aspects of an adult relationship.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 25/08/2014 22:11

chumrun you can continue being angry with people here, or you can work out what is really making you angry. Personally, I think that's the fact that your boyfriend isn't who you thought he was and that's a disappointment you aren't ready to face.

32, no dates and only one relationship before this one? A real need to be needed. Your Mum died when you were very young, your Dad 'went a bit weird', your brother went off the rails...

I know you said you didn't want to see a counsellor - but I really think you should reconsider that, the place you are in right now is not a healthy one. You can't live you life like this.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 22:13

I suppose I'm not sure I want to be a package with my brother - he isn't my son after all and he is older than me.

This doesn't obviously mean I will break contact with him but at the same time I don't want to be interlinked with him for life. He was badly behaved at school and I remember I used to HATE people saying our names together - I am so so different to him.

But there's a middle ground between is coming as a 'package' (we don't) and never seeing him (won't happen.)

OP posts:

CatKisser · 25/08/2014 22:14

Making it all about you?
I think you're doing quite a good job of that all by yourself.
Yes, we do disagree.
I'm sure we'll live with that.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 22:16

Latte - what!? Gosh I can't win on here - I'm either dating loads of randoms and calling them my boyfriend after five minutes or I need counselling because I have only had one previous partner (I MARRIED him! It was a long relationship spanning a decade.)

I have actually tried counselling but I didn't find it helpful at all so I don't really want to bother as I'm over stretched as it is! This is part of the problem which I'm starting to see clearly now.

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 25/08/2014 22:17

Taking away your brother from the equation for a moment - he yelled at you that your house was a shrine when you have only just lost your dad??
He feels pushed out of your 'shared history'? (That history being er...siblings?)

He sounds very self obsessed. You have been dating a short time - if he is that concerned about your brother's impact on your lives together a gentle suggestion that maybe you talk to him and encourage his independence via maybe your friends introducing him to other people, maybe showing him volunteering groups, other social groups, speaking to him honestly and from the heart would have sufficed.

Going Nuclear would make me take a good hard look at this man.

chumrun · 25/08/2014 22:17

I'm not angry either, I was cross and upset at the tone of some posts but I'm not sitting here shaking a fist at my phone either.

It's possible to read too much into stuff.

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