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AIBU?

To want to go back to work when my wages don't cover childcare?

198 replies

rf241 · 20/08/2014 20:04

I love my job working for a small NGO. I earn 27k and going back part time would mean that I am paying more for the nanny than I earn after tax. My husband earns about 350k and despite always saying that he supported me going back to work now says that he doesn't see why I wouldn't rather be at home. I know that I'm very fortunate and that many would love to be a SAHM and can't, but I really can't face it. I love my boy but I want to go bdck three days a week and go back to a job I love. It doesn't help that my mother and MIL think that I am indulgent and should just stay home.

I am meant to go back in October and it's being ruined by the judgement of others.

OP posts:

Report

HavanaSlife · 22/08/2014 19:07

I retrained at 30 after ds2 was born. I was a lp at the time, which turned out to be a good thing as I had help with childcare. I couldnt have done it otherwise.

Its irrelevant to the op anyway, she doesnt want to give up work and start again in a few years time and why shoukd she just because her husband can afford to pay fees and childcare

bunnybing · 22/08/2014 19:22

You should go back to work if that's what you want. A job you love is gold dust!
At one point I was in your situation - ie working 3 days per week whilst dd1 was very young - I was criticized by members of extended family.

Then I was a SAHM of school aged children - plenty on mn who criticize that situation. I've also done voluntary work - have been criticised by another member of family for doing that and finally, going back to work after a long break, still a friend criticized that!
People will criticize you whatever

rf241 · 22/08/2014 19:54

I have to say that I genuinely think it's very hard to go back to work after being a SAHM for a number of years. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I feel like a few examples of where it has worked doesn't outweigh the reality for many more. However, for some mothers, this is less important than staying at home in those early years - there are many mothers on here who will take time off knowing that it could jeopardise career options later on because they want to be at home. Fair play. However, this is not my main/only concern. I love my job and my independence and even if I could be guaranteed that I could go back into a similar position after years off, I wouldn't want to.

OP posts:

rf241 · 22/08/2014 19:58

Basically, the main factor in all of this when you boil it down, is that I DEF don't want to be a SAHM. In my heart I think it would be best for my son, but only if I wanted it. Otherwise I am slightly resentful, no?! I honestly don't know how women do it. I know many have to, and I also know that many work who would rather be at home. However, I really need to go back to work and thanks to all
Of you I don't feel that I have to explain or apologise.

Basically, FUCK IT. I'm going back. I will get a wonderful nanny for my boy. The days I am home I will really cherish.

OP posts:

rf241 · 22/08/2014 19:59

Also I think I do need to rejig the household dynamics somewhat

OP posts:

rf241 · 22/08/2014 20:04

Thanks to everyone - even the not so nice comments have generated a healthy debate...which is never a bad thing!

OP posts:

HaveYouTriedARewardChart · 22/08/2014 20:30

Hope it goes well OP!

partyskirt · 22/08/2014 20:52

wow! What does your husband do? I've never even heard of someone earning £350k! I'm going to career change asap to whatever he's got.

p.s. It's a no brainer - deffo go back to work the people getting at you are stuck up.

rf241 · 22/08/2014 20:59

He's a barrister specialising in banking and finance law.

OP posts:

rf241 · 22/08/2014 21:01

So paternity leave doesn't work as he's self employed. He did take a month off when our boy was born/was December so ideal time to do so.

OP posts:

partyskirt · 22/08/2014 21:02

wow- I wish me (or my DH) had that job. Worra lorra dollar!

Good luck OP with all your plans.

museumum · 22/08/2014 21:03

Good luck. With a household income of £377k if you can't live the life you want to live when can you?
I know people who work because they want to and sacrifice holidays and other luxuries to do so.

I would guess your area of work and passion for it forms an important part of your "self" - the self that your dh fell in love with.

I earned about 2/3 of what my dh earned when I was full time. I am now part time post ds arrival. We are not anywhere near your income level, But my dh understands my work means a lot to me, I believe in the value if what I do to society.

YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 22/08/2014 21:32

Tell him if Jonathan Sumption can take the summer off to write about the Hundred Years' War or whatever it is, he can take time off to look after his kid. I am being tongue-in-cheek here but I do know several barristers (also banking/finance mainly) who take most of the summer off. Although I see you say you have a very high mortgage so maybe that's not feasible.

I am the high earner in my relationship. My fiance's earning potential is low (he loves his work though) and mine is potentially very high (commercial law). But that doesn't mean I get to pull rank and tell him what to do. He's not SAHD material and that's fine.

Iggly · 22/08/2014 21:36

Afritutu it is about recognising that the children are the product of two people not a by product or hobby of the mothers. Childcare is therefore funded by joint incomes.

iK8 · 22/08/2014 22:21

Basically, FUCK IT. I'm going back. I will get a wonderful nanny for my boy. The days I am home I will really cherish.

Good for you. It really does make a difference when you at home by choice. Enjoy your two lives :)

blueshoes · 22/08/2014 23:19

OP, all the best. It is the right decision. I would not want to live in a gilded cage either.

Strokethefurrywall · 23/08/2014 00:26

I'm with you OP - work enables me to keep my hand in and keep my brain moving. It matters not what your husband earns, a job that you love and that you're good at is a golddust opportunity.

Enjoy!

tumbletumble · 23/08/2014 07:41

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing and I hope your DH / Mum / MIL will come to see that!

MissDuke · 23/08/2014 09:29

Sounds good op. I do suspect that the nanny won't cost as much as you think though as on your salary I really think you will earn more than your nanny. Good luck with it all.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/09/2014 17:12

That's brilliant - really glad you've made your decision based on what will make you happy as well as being best for your child :)

How's it played with the family?

rf241 · 06/09/2014 20:40

Sorry to go AWOL- basically all ok. Family seem to fine , which is no surprise after I trotted out all of my reasons as clarified on this thread!

Thanks all

OP posts:

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 08/09/2014 13:24

That's brilliant - good luck with it all, and enjoy being back at work :)

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backbystealth · 08/09/2014 14:04

Sorry I am still REELING from reading that women whose husbands earn large salaries should quit their jobs and do charity work...

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

OP go for it - I love working. I'm fortunate to earn a high salary but even if I didn't I would continue to work in a career that I love and that gives me enormous satisfaction and self worth.

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