To want to go back to work when my wages don't cover childcare?

[rf241]

I love my job working for a small NGO. I earn 27k and going back part time would mean that I am paying more for the nanny than I earn after tax. My husband earns about 350k and despite always saying that he supported me going back to work now says that he doesn't see why I wouldn't rather be at home. I know that I'm very fortunate and that many would love to be a SAHM and can't, but I really can't face it. I love my boy but I want to go bdck three days a week and go back to a job I love. It doesn't help that my mother and MIL think that I am indulgent and should just stay home.

I am meant to go back in October and it's being ruined by the judgement of others.

[LizzieVereker]

YADNBU. Do it!

You are entitled to protect your career progression, your pension, your independence, and to have the mental stimulation which being in the workplace will provide. I know not everyone would agree but I think your pro- work attitude is admirable.

My situation is the mirror image of yours (although I earn less than your DH), and I must admit I was worried when my DP went back to work after being at home, but it was right for him, and the DCs and I soon got used to the change. But I miss his baking a bit.

Good luck

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

A few hours on relationships will help you put this in perspective op. It certainly helped me when I was swithering about a similar decision. I now work pt from home to fit round ds needs (he has SN) but I know that should anything happen with me and DP I could scale that up to a very respectable business within 6 months.

I don't just mean anything happening with our relationship. Illness, accidents, death - I need to know I can put food on the table and keep a roof over my own head if I need to.

[LittleBearPad]

My DH doesn't earn as much as yours but there was no financial reason for me to return to work. I could have stayed home. But I like my job and I'm good at it. I went back three days a week and I'm so glad I did. I couldn't be a SAHM, I wouldn't be happy. If you love your job then go back and see how it suits you. Pg with number 2 now and I will go back again. Otherwise I'll lose a part of me I rather like!

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

YANBU at all. As you say work makes you happy. It's not like he can't afford the nappy is it? There is a lot more than just money from work. Recognition, satisfaction, an identify outside of being at home, a wife and a mother.

[ladybirdandsnails]

It's all about keeping your sanity.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Comparing childcare costs with the lower earner's income (which in my family is dh) is perfectly sensible if yours is a family where money is a scarce resource.

But yours is not such a family.

Personally in this situation I would point out to dh that if in 5 years time he wants to leave me for a gorgeous 22 year old with swishy hair and legs up to her armpits then it will be much cheaper for him if you have kept up your career but that is because I tend to use humour far too much during awkward conversations!

[MrsKoala]

OP i would love to be able to afford to go back to a job i loved. You are very fortunate. I would explain to your DH the reasons for working aren't always financial. Would HE be happy staying at home if the roles were reversed?

We combine our finances, and my working would cost our household £400 a month, which we just couldn't cover. So for us it wouldn't be possible. But if i even broke even and found a job i loved i would do it. I have no pension or any prospects and am becoming less employable each year.

If you can go back to work, then i would grab it with both hands.

[fluffymouse]

Have you looked at other childcare options? Childminder/nursery are more affordable. Can family help out a bit?

To me working at a loss seems pointless,.but that's just my opinion.

[missingmumxox]

Totally with you my dh earns just shy of 100000, I earn 36000 full time, when my boys were 1 I returned to work 3 days a week and earned the grand total of £160 after tax, after petrol was taken out zero.
I did when they where 3 not work for 3 years as we lived abroad and I became depressed.
They are 9 now I work 2 days a week, but do extras, work keeps me sane I actually earn £12000 a year on just 2 days and am better off than last year when I worked full time on 36000, as I spent £900 a month on travel and childcare and in the school holidays £1200 on child care alone.

I love my days off with my boys, they are not a drudge, do what is right for you and the rest will follow, my mil has never understood but my Mum, was in a similar position to me and always worked apart from a hellish 6 months when I was 13 and she decided she wanted to be a SAHM, she was so fucking bored, she drove me and my younger brother up the wall

[Slutbucket]

I work one day a week but it costs me more in childcare. I did this to keep my toe in that water just in case I need it. You might at some point need to work for whatever reason.

[RonaldMcDonald]

When I was married....

Our childcare was greater than my H's salary. We didn't really consider the childcare would be his burden of responsibility but looked at it that it was the equivalent of a wage and gulp
We struggled and I studied as well as earning and his earning

Thank god we both did as we are now no longer married but are able to earn decent money and be decent parents separately and self sufficiently if the need ever arose

[Morloth]

Do it.

I guess I am in a similar situation in that I don't need to work and DH would be fine with me staying home if I liked - however he also was very supportive of whatever I wanted to do.

When I first went back childcare pretty much ate all of my salary, but that first paycheck after being off for a few years was just gold.

I love getting paid, but that is only one of the benefits of working IME.

Also being back a couple of years now, childcare costs are lower and I have moved 'up' so my salary is higher.

I think it is good for the kids as well, they see their Dad having to pull his weight around the house, they know that my needs and work is important, they learn about compromise and while they are very very very high up in our priorities sometimes they miss things because we both work.

All of these are good life lessons IMO.

Too many stories on here and in RL of SAHMs being left high and dry.

I trust DH completely, but I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. Husbands don't have to leave to be gone, they can die, they can be incapacitated - shit happens.

[wafflyversatile]

If he doesn't understand why then you explain (for your own sanity, because you enjoy it, to keep your career on track etc) and if he still doesn't understand you can say 'that's ok. you don't need to understand you just have to know that it is what I want and respect that it is my decision to make'.

Childcare is to allow both parents to work, not to allow one parent to work. ie It's not just to allow you to work because if it was only you working he would be around and childcare not needed. It is only because both of you are going to work that childcare is needed. your (plural) income comfortably covers the childcare expenses.

Regardless of how many hours each of you spend at work. In the hours left over after work time chores get split. How they are split is up to the couple. different arrangements suit different people.

[wafflyversatile]

If he doesn't understand why then you explain (for your own sanity, because you enjoy it, to keep your career on track etc) and if he still doesn't understand you can say 'that's ok. you don't need to understand you just have to know that it is what I want and respect that it is my decision to make'.

Childcare is to allow both parents to work, not to allow one parent to work. ie It's not just to allow you to work because if it was only you working he would be around and childcare not needed. It is only because both of you are going to work that childcare is needed. your (plural) income comfortably covers the childcare expenses.

Regardless of how many hours each of you spend at work. In the hours left over after work time chores get split. How they are split is up to the couple. different arrangements suit different people.

[frazzled74]

I am really shocked at people paying more in childcare than they earn! I thought that there were child tax credits to assist those earning lower amounts , and surely if you are on a higher wage, childcare would be covered! How much are these nurseries/nannies charging?

[highkickindandy]

for now, you want to work and can afford the childcare that allows you to do so, so go for it.....

for the future you will have a much better chance of being financially independent should you need to be if there are problems with your marriage, husband's health or redundancy, or purely for your own self esteem etc if you have remained in the workplace progressing in your career and keeping your skills up to date

I worked part time after having children and at times it hardly seemed worth the stress of work and the cost of childcare for the amount I earned. Now the last child has just finished day care so those costs have gone after 16 years, but I am not 16 years out of the work place and deskilled. Honestly I didn't always want to work in the last 16 years and didn't always love it, but I know I would hate not having the opportunities I have at work now due to having kept at it all those years. I am in an occupation that if you have too much time out you just won't get back in at the same level, if at all. Keeping your options open if you can is a good thing.

[Morloth]

frazzled74, I am not in the UK and most of the similar things you mention are means tested, which is as it should be.

But this does mean if there is one high earning partner the decision for the other partner can be about whether it is worth the effort working involves.

I did enjoy my years as a SAHM, however it just wasn't the best long term plan for me.

Like highkickindandy the rewards of going back/staying in work come later, when childcare is no longer as expensive and you don't have that huge work gap.

When I first went back after DS1 childcare was 80 pounds a day (London) and with DS2 it was AUD$112 a day for him and then another AUD$30 a day for DS1 so outgoings of $142 per day for childcare.

[wobblyweebles]

Tell everyone who thinks you shouldn't go back to work to just fuck off.

Also make sure you don't stint on childcare (or other help). It sounds like you carry the bulk of running the home and looking after the child. Don't make it any more difficult than it has to be. A nanny, cleaner and gardener would probably be the perfect combination.

[toomuchtooold]

Look at it another way. Imagine you once get divorced. It might happen. You would be at a huge disadvantage in terms of being to look after yourself, compared to if you'd gone back to work. It's not a matter of being self-indulgent (although what is that anyway other than a nasty name for doing what you prefer?) it's a matter of protecting your own interests.

[BeginnerSAHM]

I haven't read the whole thread but this attitude (not yours!) really annoys me. Why should the mother's salary cover childcare costs?? It's enabling both of you to work - not just you.... Honestly, men.... (I'm on a bit of a rant at the moment as my husband does about 5% of the housework - I work 80% of the time he does - 4 days a week...)

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

The assumption that childcare is down to the mother is wrong, but there is the basic equation of how much the total household income is affected by the lower paid partner working and paying childcare. Where that is a net cost it is a question of whether the other benefits - enjoyment, stimulation, career progression, pension etc, make it still attractive. And of course there is the question of overall family finances- if you were struggling it would be an issue, but it sounds like you can afford to invest in your future!

[Groovee]

I paid out more in childcare than I earned the year before ds went to school. It was hard but we got through it along with my sanity.

[headoverheels]

I earn around 10% of my DH's salary, OP. Going back to work is about so much more than the money. Don't back down on this!

[MaryWestmacott]

Frazzled- tax credits are available to low income families, but if one partner earns a high wage, then they can't claim them. We are in a trickier situation as DH earns no where near the ops DH, but he earns too much to claim, on the other hand, my wage would be completely wiped out by childcare for 2 preschoolers. It's approximately £1k a month for a full time nursery place, few give discounts for 2nd child and childminders are a little cheaper, but not significantly.

If you had 2 preschool dcs and one partner on £50k the other on £30k, there would be a significant loss compared to the one on the lower wage just on childcare (let alone adding in commuting costs), but wouldn't be entitled to help. In the ops case the family could cope with losing £2-300 a month, but when the higher earner isn't earning that much, it is very hard to justify spending that much on what has become a "hobby job".

[sashh]

Ask him if he wants to spend 24/7 looking after a baby for no financial reward?

You are a person who happens to be a mother, mother is only part of who you are, you have needs just as he does.