To want to go back to work when my wages don't cover childcare?

[rf241]

I love my job working for a small NGO. I earn 27k and going back part time would mean that I am paying more for the nanny than I earn after tax. My husband earns about 350k and despite always saying that he supported me going back to work now says that he doesn't see why I wouldn't rather be at home. I know that I'm very fortunate and that many would love to be a SAHM and can't, but I really can't face it. I love my boy but I want to go bdck three days a week and go back to a job I love. It doesn't help that my mother and MIL think that I am indulgent and should just stay home.

I am meant to go back in October and it's being ruined by the judgement of others.

[AlpacaLypse]

And don't get me started about this weird automatic assumption that childcare costs should always be deducted out of the mother's salary first not jointly out of the combined incomes of both parents....

[ecuse]

If your combined family income didn't cover it then I'd say one of you needs to stop work. But your combined family income obviously allows the two of you to do whatever you want. Assuming your DH is happy to continue in his job I can't see a single reason why you shouldn't. Bollocks to everyone telling you that you 'should' want to stay at home.

[AnyFucker]

or what AL said

[LadyLuck10]

Well op you're in this situation because you are choosing to view the childcare costs as yours only and not shared. Why do you have this view?

[rf241]

Ok so just a few clarifications. This post isn't a joke and I know that I'm very fortunate. Just to be fair my husband is very generous and does treat his income as 'ours'. We have joint accounts and make all financial decisions together. I don't have to ask to spend anything.

He works in a highly stressful job in the City and I'm guessing that he's also worried about the home front. I have always worked (though to be honest haven't HAD to) and managed to do everything around the house too. We have a cleaner but it's always been me who tidies, pays the bills, buys gifts for both familes, cooks,buys both our clothes etc. I don't mind at all
As the way I see it he is contributing a lot more in one sense so I am happy to do so in another.

I think what's surprised me is how keen he is for our son to have me at home full time. We never agreed this. I guess being a parent changes us all?!

[rf241]

And spiderbabymum- not sure why I've annoyed you??

[AnyFucker]

I think your husband is not necessarily considering the emotional and physical welfare of your son here. I think his concern is rather closer to home. He would have to step up with the shitwork, wouldn't he ? Is he above the shitwork, OP ?

[rf241]

I will DEF be challenging the assumption that childcare is 'my' cost! And also it's so true that it's about protecting my future career progression

Thank you for there ally useful points

[Blu]

Why should you stay at home and be cut price, pension free childcare for your DH?

Work now is the investment in promotion prospects, a cv that enables you to get fulfilling work now and when the kids leave home, and as others have said , a pension. If your work is important to you, why should anyone have the right to tell you to what to do? Stick to your guns and tell your Mum and MIL they need, with all due respect , to wind their necks in. It really is no e if their business.

[rf241]

He probably is a little above the 'shit work'.....lord he has a chsnge coming. I take joint responsibility flr having enabled our 1950s set up, but that would have to change if I went back even part time.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, it would.

[AnyFucker]

...and he is subtly (and ?unsubtly) resistly resisting that

OP, read all the threads where women who give up their careers can find themselves up shit creek without a paddle when their husband karks it, decides he prefers a younger version of his knackered wife, becomes ill/burned out etc. I could go on.

I would say it is even more imperative that if you have a husband with shall we say, rather fixed ideas about the role of men and women in a family, that you go back to work and retain your financial independence

[iK8]

You'd get half of everything including looking after the children if you divorced him. I remind my dh of this often and I also earn about 10% of what dh does but my career has always been my business and his career his.

Don't compromise your needs for someone else's principles. Particularly when those principles don't extend to them doing the hard graft/making sacrifices.

[rf241]

I agree -Anyfucker, as though i have never earned the bulk of our household income it's still been important to me that I earn.

[AnyFucker]

if it's important to you, then you do it

[extraneous]

Go back, absolutely and without question. Good luck OP.

[Hatetidyingthehouse]

What about childminder or nursery. Surely 27k covers childcare

[MaryWestmacott]

All but one of the woman I know who are SAHMs married to men earning that sort of wage, do use some sort of childcare anyway, a part time nanny, a couple of mornings at nursery, basically to keep themselves 'sane'. And because all the family work falls to the wife, so they are buying the time. (and the one I know who doesn't use childcare of any sort for her 'too young for pre-school' DC does have a full time housekeeper/maid)

Sit him down, explain your career matters to you and you accept he's enabled you to focus on an interesting career rather than a profitable one, but you care about it, and still want to continue. Point out it's only until your DC is 3, that you'd be with them all day before they started pre-school, or 2.5 if you will be using prep school pre-school - so assuming your DC is coming up to 1 when you go back to work, it's 2 years max, possibly only 18 months before they would be off to preschool anyway and you'd be talking about part time wrap around care rather than part time nanny.

For the sake of 18 months, he wants you to give up a career you love that you feel keeps you 'you'. That's hardly fair.

Talk round other help you can buy in to make the next 18 months easier, cleaners, gardeners, private part time PA for the family, and possibly even arranging a half day more childcare than you need to give you time, staggering/planning holidays.

[MaryWestmacott]

oh and while childminder or nursery would be cheaper, check the timings work for you, i'm assuming if your DH is on that sort of wage, he's at the sort of level where he needs to put in long hours so won't be doing pick up or drop off, it might be easier to have a nanny.

[Purplepoodle]

Explain to your dh that it isn't about the money it's about being fulfilled as a person. Also have your practicalities sorted - perhaps a cleaner who comes in daily, a nanny who is willing to do a little light housework ect. You just need to be more organised when you are working and it can work very well.

[minipie]

Yanbu yanbu yanbu

and do it soon before he gets used to the idea of having you home all the time doing all the home and family chores

DH works in a similar job to your DH I suspect, I work in a City job 4 days a week with lower hours and pay than his, but still demanding. DH does fewer nanny handovers and bedtimes as my hours are shorter, but otherwise things are split 50/50. He doesn't get to put all the domestic crap aside just because he earns a lot.

[minipie]

Oh and we have a nanny and a twice weekly cleaner. PAs and gardeners and the like might be nice but it's perfectly manageable without.

[Pumpkinpositive]

I wanna know what the heck kinda job pulls in £350k per year!!

I am prepared to go back to uni to retrain!

[Tadla]

You should go back to work even though your working does not increase the family income pot.

My DH earns nothing of sort that your DH does but when I have worked on temporary assignments where the pay doesnt cover travel and childcare, DH has made up the shortfall.

He does it because he knows when our DC are both at school, I'll want a job and having worked stints here and there in the last 7 years should help.

He knows I need time away from them and that I need some more structure and socialising.