To want to go back to work when my wages don't cover childcare?

[rf241]

I love my job working for a small NGO. I earn 27k and going back part time would mean that I am paying more for the nanny than I earn after tax. My husband earns about 350k and despite always saying that he supported me going back to work now says that he doesn't see why I wouldn't rather be at home. I know that I'm very fortunate and that many would love to be a SAHM and can't, but I really can't face it. I love my boy but I want to go bdck three days a week and go back to a job I love. It doesn't help that my mother and MIL think that I am indulgent and should just stay home.

I am meant to go back in October and it's being ruined by the judgement of others.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

YANBU for all the reasons you and others have identified

Even if I won the EuroMillions I would do some kind of work - being out of the house doing work stuff gives me a sense of identity, pride and worth that makes me a better mother

[Morloth]

Husbands don't have to 'shaft' you to suddenly not be able to support the family solo.

Shit happens, people have accidents, people die, people lose jobs, get made redundant, children get ill all sorts of things can happen. Even in an amicable divorce an ex-wife won't be able to rely on the support of an ex-husband for life.

Good idea to stand on your own two feet and then combine forces, rather than assume the good times will last forever.

Best to have back up plans and have back up plans for those.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I agree both should combine forces if their situation change. I am kit saying they shouldn't. But it is becoming too hypothetical for me, and too many people who twist my posts to "fit" their own situations and act all shocked at how 1950 that would be. I am out.

[ovaryhill]

I totally understand wanting to work even though you don't have to, you can obviously afford to so just do it!
I do voluntary work just now which I just love, but I am hoping it will lead to a paid job with the organisation
Childcare isn't an issue for me as I do school hours but even if it was I would still try and work round it as I love what l do so much

[whatever5]

Of course you should work if you want to work. It's a bit sad that your DH, MIL and mother can't understand why a woman would want to work even if their DH is a high earner. My mother's inlaws couldn't understand why she worked either but that was in the 70s and at least my father and her own parents didn't question it.

[Morloth]

Better to have a recent work history if the OP suddenly needs to support the family.

In my experience it is always easier to get a job when you have a job.

[feelingquitelost]

God, this is all so sexist. I earn more than my dh, we have 2 dcs and the cost of a nanny and nursery plus travel costs will be at least equal to his earnings. Would I suggest that he quits his job to look after them full time? No way, why should he? He will end up with a gap in his CV that will impact on his future career prospects and he would go mad being stuck at home all day every day. It is no different for you just because you are a woman!

[Blu]

I agree with Quint in that the OP's problem is the attitude of her DH, Dm and MIL.

OP I would ignore your DM and MIL. It really is none of their business. Talk to your DH. And explain that motherhood has not completely changed your identity and function as a person any more than it has him. As parents your lives are enhanced and you have responsibilities to meet. But that your love of your job and what you get from it is an important part of who you are.

With 4 days at home with your DS and the financial capacity to choose the highest quality childcare that suits your family best is hardly grounds for any worry about his child's welfare.

Good luck, OP, no need to allow your DH's income to be the deciding factor for every other lifestyle choice for the rest of the family !

[Quenelle]

"lol! Every sahm I know has returned to paid work when the kids are older. They were definitely not 'unemployable'
It's only on Mumsnet that sahms are doomed to a life of sad poverty for evermore."

I know countless women who have had to take on lower paid, lower status jobs when they have returned to work after a prolonged absence. I would have been in that position myself if I hadn't returned immediately after mat leave. Instead I have retained my job and position and managed to negotiate part time hours around DS's school hours.

It might be easier for some professional women who have qualifications, training and a defined career structure (I personally know professional women who haven't found this to be the case), but for women like me, who have no specific job-related qualifications and have achieved their position by putting the years in and networking to climb the ladder, five years away would put me right back to square one, particularly with the part time jobs that are generally on offer. Why should I turn in 20 years of hard work for a few years at home?

My sister was a legal secretary before DC, after they all started school the family needed the money so she had to work nights in a motorway service station until she managed to move onto a cashier's job in Tesco and an evening bar job.

I believe, unless you can afford not to work and you don't want to, it is always worth it in the longterm to keep your job if at all possible.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Explain it to your DH in terms of opportunity cost. If you stop working you may struggle ever to pick it up again, in which case your lifetime loss of earnings will more than offset the short-term loss paying a full-time nanny while your DC are tiny.
Ask him this: if, when your DC are at school, he expects you to pick up work again right where you left off, has he thought through the implications of you being out of the job market for years? What if you then can't get work at all? Will he blame or criticise you at that point? If there is the slightest chance of that then he should stfu and support you keeping your hand in at work meanwhile.

Oh and yy to what everyone else said about sexism.

[HavanaSlife]

I think it will probably be easy for me to go back to work once the dc are older, because I worked as a care assistant.

I very much doubt someone working in a professional capacity, earning good money could take 5 years off and then expect to walk back into the same type of job earning the same money. The work place and job would change to much in that time for most people to be able to slot back in.

I also can't believe anyone thinks a women should give up her job, her career, which she has probably worked hard for because she has a child with a man who earns very good money, that's madness.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Indeed, why should we bother educating girls if they should give up their career once they have a baby

[StackladysMorphicResonator]

too many people who twist my posts to "fit" their own situations and act all shocked at how 1950 that would be

Erm, Quint, no-one is twisting your posts - believe me, your attitude is fuel enough for a good rage from most modern women without needing to fabricate extras!

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

I agree that numpties posts isn't even worth replying to. There are many different type of careers. I'm sure we know how easy to go back in by just looking at our colleagues.

I have not met a single one who has a career break. All junior staff are straight from universities. In that situation do you think anyone would hire someone with a 5 year gap. Tbh I wouldn't either because 5 years is a lifetime in technology.

[whatever5]

I don't know anyone with a professional well paid job who has had a career break of more than two or three years. If you stay out of the job market for longer than that there is almost zero chance of resuming your career.

[numptieseverywhere]

that's so bloody defeatist! What about the people who retrain in their thirties and forties and so something totally different? I have two friends in their early forties who retrained, after several years as sahm's, as a midwife and a teacher. Their older ages actually counted in their favour! I had several years out and had no intention of returning to a dead end minimum wage job. And I didn't!

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Explain it to your DH in terms of opportunity cost. If you stop working you may struggle ever to pick it up again, in which case your lifetime loss of earnings will more than offset the short-term loss paying a full-time nanny while your DC are tiny

I wouldn't even begin to come up with an explanation, this makes it seem like you have to justify working in your career. I would just say 'I love my job, I'm going back three days a week' and arrange childcare.

I don't see why you need to justify doing something that you love and is fulfilling for you whatsoever- if anyone feels so strongly that a child need their parent there 24/7 for a few years, they have the option to give up their own work (say two days a week) and stay at home, including your husband.

Your husband doesn't ask your permission to do and enjoy his job and get a strong sense of identity/personal fulfillment/money out of it- why are you?

The same issues of who does childcare and how family life is balanced are there for both to solve.

[MrsKoala]

It depends on the funds available tho doesn't it numptie. Not in this case of course - but your general point of retraining would cost a household quite a lot of money and if you can't afford the childcare to go to back to work, how would you afford the childcare to retrain, or the course fees. We certainly couldn't afford it.

[numptieseverywhere]

I didn't even use the word 'resume' I used the word 'restart', when I started looking for work after a career break. But then, I was realistic and happy to take the cut for time at home with the kids. That may be considered sexist by some, but I got what I wanted from the situation and it all worked out in the end, as it did for sahm friends.

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

Sorry as haven't RTFT.

But. I think it can be hard for the person who goes out to work to understand just what it is like to be at home. I'm expecting my third and so have been through the - "I can't wait to give up work, OMG I have to go back or I'll go mad" cycle a few times!

It is really not good for my mental health to be at home all the time with children and that can be very hard to understand - from my DP's point of view I'm having a very nice time going to the park, meeting friends, having lunch out, while he commutes four hours a day to a fairly stressful job. It is very nice to be at home in lots of ways. But a lot of people need more!

I have worked part time after both children - my salary has not really changed over the last seven years but my career has improved dramatically in terms of confidence, experience, and knowing where I want to go. Now I feel happier to take some time off after DC3, whereas if I hadn't worked in between I would be looking at being out of the workplace for nine or so years.

[numptieseverywhere]

and yes, many won't be able to fund the cost of retraining, but that's what I looked into before deciding to stay at home. With a household income of 350k, the op won't have any problem finding money to retrain if she so chooses.

[MrsKoala]

Many wont be able to fund the cost of training, or fund the cost of going back to work - so 'deciding' to stay at home often is not a decision that can be made, it is a decision made for you, if you have no other options. Of course there is the option of never having any children. But for me that wasn't an option i wanted, so the only choice left for me is to stay at home, not retrain and become virtually unemployable. OR i could leave DH and then i could afford to go to work as i'd get tax credits. So, that's always worth considering

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I don't consider it remotely sexist for a woman to decide to stay at home for a few years with small children.

I consider it sexist if it is considered inevitable because they are the woman (often in a lower earning role as women are more likely to take this type of role/have yet to achieve equality in high-earning roles), their husband would never consider it for a minute as his career is more important, or that the impact in terms of life-long prospective career earnings/pension for the person with the career gap isn't considered.

[whatever5]

I didn't even use the word 'resume' I used the word 'restart', when I started looking for work after a career break. But then, I was realistic and happy to take the cut for time at home with the kids. That may be considered sexist by some, but I got what I wanted from the situation and it all worked out in the end, as it did for sahm friends.

It's fine if that is what you want to do but many people don't want to take on a low paid and usually less rewarding job after having children and why should they?

[whatever5]

that's so bloody defeatist! What about the people who retrain in their thirties and forties and so something totally different? I have two friends in their early forties who retrained, after several years as sahm's, as a midwife and a teacher. Their older ages actually counted in their favour!

Not everyone wants to be a teacher or a nurse though and most people don't want to start training for a career in their 40s. It is much easier to stay in the job you trained to do before having children, particularly as jobs are often more well flexible and well paid when you have been doing them for a few years.