To be annoyed by this and think it is unfair?

[cheeseandfickle]

I am still friends with a group of women that I met at baby group when my youngest child was little.

We are all still friends and all still have regular nights out. One member of the group is quite dominant, very vocal, and somewhat of a boaster. Lots of the others seem to hang on her every word and be in awe of the clothes she is wearing or the holiday she is going on. Recently her husband got a new car and lots of them listened open mouthed and in awe as she told a long story about how he got her the wrong colour, and how she'd moaned at him until he changed it.

I am not a boaster. I am fairly quiet and generally happy to listen to the louder group members, although of course I do speak too when we're out!

We all went out for a meal last night, and during the meal I mentioned that we have booked a holiday for next month. It wasn't in a bragging sense but just an update on me type of sense. I talked about it for about 2 minutes and then we moved on to another topic.

This morning I have received a facebook message from one of the other women (not the boaster) saying that she is just giving me some friendly advice but that she is advising me not to mention my holiday again as it's unfair on other group members that cannot afford a holiday this year, and she thinks I may have upset one or two others by talking about it.

I have not replied to the message yet but to be honest I am absolutely gobsmacked by it, not to mention very pissed off. Basically she is saying that it is ok for some people to boast all the time, but that the rest of us should just sit there and listen to it all and never update with any news of our own. I also feel cross that the one or two others that I have apparently upset haven't got the balls to message me themselves to say it!

AIBU to be totally pissed off and to be considering not meeting up with these women again?

[Smilesandpiles]

The ones who have got upset about it have the problem, not you.

Tell her where to stick her friendly advice and for future reference she shouldn't be telling people what they can and can not say.

[YouTheCat]

They sound awful and childish.

If someone has some good news, surely the default position is to be happy for them even if it is something you'd like but can't have.

[WanderingAway]

I would either tell it to them straight that no one moans when the other woman talks about her holidays so why should u be treated differently.

Or I would stop bothering with them.

[capsium]

The politics of the group sound all wrong to me. Telling people about a holiday you are going on, unless you go on for an absolute age, is part of normal conversation IMO. In often ask people about their holidays.

Sounds, to me, like there is far too much energy spent dissecting the conversation and TBH I would probably distance myself for this reason, as I wouldn't have the energy for it.

[DoJo]

Perhaps you could ask her who was upset - she clearly thinks she is speaking on behalf of others, but have any of them actually said 'cheese talking about her holiday made me feel really bad about our lack of funds'?

It's hard, because it's not really the boaster's fault that she apparently 'gets away with it' and you don't - for all you know this other woman might have said the same thing to her and she has just ignored it!

[wafflyversatile]

Reply saying, you're sure none of your friends would begrudge you a holiday, would they, but if it is then, if she hasn't already, perhaps her or you should have a quiet word with boasty brenda as she's probably been upsetting people all over the shop.

[ilovesooty]

That sounds really upsetting. It's not you though - friend who messaged you should butt out and let others speak for themselves if they want to.

[flumperoo]

Could you send a response to the message and cc all those who went for dinner saying something along the lines of... I'm sorry if me mentioning my holiday upset anybody, I didn't mean to etc etc and see what the response is? She might be talking out of her bum and you might get reponses of the 'don't be so daft' variety, but if people were upset, then I think you should ditch them tbh. Who needs friends like that?

[Earlybird]

if they are friends, they should want to know what is going on with you. If they feel jealous/envious that you can afford a holiday, and they can't, that is their problem.

There is a BIG difference between boasting/gloating and sharing news.

Does the Facebook friend think you should simply omit telling about your holiday for fear of 'upsetting' the others?

[cheeseandfickle]

Yes I think she thinks that I should have just kept my mouth shut and not mentioned it.

I have just sent her a reply saying "Really? Which friends are upset? I'm surprised that they would be upset about me simply mentioning that I'm having a holiday, but let me know who they are and I will speak to them."

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Do what waffly says.

[wafflyversatile]

That's a good reply. It may be she's talking for herself, or just over managing cos someone has complained about not having a holiday, or boasty brenda is upset because she's the one meant to have nice things and can't have a holiday bc of the car.

[Earlybird]

Also, the FB message is terribly undermining. I imagine it will make you examine (and possibly censor) what you say to this group in future, because you don't want to 'boast' and risk upsetting someone.

If you can't simply be your spontaneous self with friends, is this really a good group to be with?

[picnicbasketcase]

I would get the red mist and want to say something like
'Right. So it's fine for 'X' to never utter a single sentence that's NOT a boast, but I'm causing problems by even mentioning that I'm going on holiday? I do apologise for updating you on my life, I had no idea that I wasn't allowed to have one. Best of luck to you in your future career of dictating other people's topics of discussion.'

But I would type it out angrily and not end up sending it. It would still make me feel better though

[RedRoom]

Can't bear the anonymous complaining nonsense. If someone has an issue, they should approach it like an adult and not ask another grown-up to tell you off on their behalf. So cowardly and bitchy.

It makes me wonder if the only person with an issue is actually just the person who sent you the email. Maybe she's trying to make it look like she's not an unreasonable arse because, after all, other people are upset too. What is the likelihood that two people in that group are genuinely so upset by you going on holiday that they mentioned it to each other afterward?

I agree with the other comments saying friends should be happy about each other's good news, be it holidays, promotions, house moves etc. You weren't insensitively rubbing it in to someone who had just had an awful experience on holiday, you were just making brief chat.

I'd reply, expressing some surprise at her claims, telling her that everyone seemed very happy for you at the time, and saying what a shame it is if someone felt they couldn't be happy about your fairly minor piece of good news.

[RedRoom]

Cross post! Sorry, that took a long type to type.

[ViviPru]

Urgh What a nasty rotten situation. Good for you for replying so frankly, OP. Do keep us updated.

[maddening]

Reply to say " don't be so wierd and stop sending strange socially awkward messages"

[wowfudge]

Perhaps this same woman who has contacted you OP has also contacted the big-mouthed boaster in the past and is making a misguided attempt to stop all this kind of talk?

Whatever the rationale, it's rather childish. I think your response was the right one.

As for the BMB - that's the kind of thing I would try to deal with in a jokey way to put a stop to it. Do you only ever meet up as a group or do you see any of them separately?

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Maybe it's Boasty Brenda who's upset/jealous. Is your holiday possibly one that she could perceive to be better than hers?

[Vivacia]

Next time someone else is boasting, publicly and loudly suggest that you all change the subject because you know that you've upset people in the past through similar boasting.

[badfurday]

Do people like this actually exist?! Tell her to jog on!
Stories like this are the exact reason I am terrified of mother and baby groups, such bitchyness, worse than school.