To think we've accepted the invite so ds should go to this party?

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

Ds was invited to a party (reception year) ages ago. Party is at 4-6 tomorrow afternoon. We accepted the invite.

Dh has now come back from PiL and announced that brother in law is having a BBQ tomorrow afternoon for niece's birthday, she's 27 by the way so not a child.
Dh wants me to text party invite mother and say ds can no longer go. I don't think this is very fair. Besides which BBQ will be full of adults getting drunk and no other children and ds will get bored. It will be too late to go afterwards as wouldn't get there before 8ish and ds has school on Monday.

Aibu to think we have accepted the invite so should go? Dh's family is huge and there's always something or another of theirs to go to so it's not like we never see them, in fact I don't think we've missed anything else ever. I've suggested popping round beforehand with a present and to say happy birthday, but apparently this isn't good enough.

[WottaMess]

If your presence at family BBQ was that critical they'd have mentioned it before now? Whereas your DS is really wanted at this party. That takes priority and your dh either goes and doesn't drink or says sorry we have a prior engagement and proves he can behave better than a four year old

[Fairylea]

Yanbu.

Your dh is being unfair to your own child and the birthday child.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Well this is easy! All your DH has to do is give up having alcohol at one party, and your son can not have his plans spoiled or his manners compromised.

Now that really shouldn't be a problem for a decent dad...

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

What a selfish twat! Your H that is. Does he usually prioritise himself over his son?

[MaryWestmacott]

Even if you won't see someone again, doesn't make it ok to be rude, plus all the other children are ones your ds will see again.

Your ds goes to his party, your DH can go to the BBQ or not, can you give him a lift there at least earlier in the afternoon so he only needs to get a taxi back/get a lift from another guest back. (Or is there no public transport?)

Or your DH can just do without a drink one afternoon...

[Andrewofgg]

First accepted has priority over anything later except a funeral.

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

He won't pay the taxi money even one way. He will say it's a waste of money when I could bring him back.

Yes, he likes a drink. He's fortunate in that I don't drink so he has himself a resident taxi driver.

[JennyOnTheBlocks]

But you can't bring him back, you'll be with DS at his friend's party.

So no one else in his entire family will help him out with a lift?

Maybe he should stay the night there then and maybe a lot longer, like forever

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Where and what form does the birthday party take? Small birthday tea at home? A couple of kids to the cinema? Many children to a prepaid venue?

It was ds2s birthday party yesterday. Most rsvpd Yes weeks ago, from a class of 25. I had paid the minimum attendance of 16 people, £20 per person. 12 kids showed up, as 10 suddenly could not come last moment. I am so glad I did not confirm and pay for the 22 kids who initially said they were coming, as I would have been SO out of pocket!

Ds2 was gutted. I learnt who the rude parents are.... We spent £80 on people that did not show up.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Wow, I missed the IVF bit.

Your DH is a dick.

[MaryWestmacott]

Well, he wants to go to the BBQ, but you (and ds) are not available, so he can workout how he's getting there and back. Do you have 2 cars or could you get ds to the party and back without a car?

I'm sure if he really feels being at dn's birthday party is important, then he will go even if that means he can't have a drink.

[Littlefish]

Your dh is being a twat. He has 2 options.

1. Go to the party, don't drink, drive himself home.
   
2. Go to the party, have a drink, get a taxi home.
   

Stand your ground. He is being very selfish.

[FatalCabbage]

Oh what a shame, we're already committed to be somewhere else!

[steff13]

I agree with Littlefish, take your son to the birthday party, let your husband work out what he's going to do. It's not really your concern.

[maras2]

Is this normal DH behaviour? He sounds rather selfish.Good luck with the IVF.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU.

FatalCabbage "Tbh a boozy party where you don't drink and DS would have nobody to play with doesn't sound like much fun even without the previous engagement and IVF factors."

"He won't pay the taxi money even one way. He will say it's a waste of money when I could bring him back."

I would take DS to the party, then go home afterwards to do the injections. DH could do what he wants. TBH he doesn't sound like much of a father if he thinks his son should miss a party he has undoubtedly been really looking forward to, just because he wants to drink and be chauffeured around. IMO he sounds like a right cunt.

"They will probably sulk if we don't all go." Fuck 'em. And him.

[TheFairiesAreBack]

My husband gave up drinking when I was going through IVF.

Go to the kid's party and let your DH go to the family thing.

[cheminotte]

Agree with everyone else, you've already accepted another invite, that takes priority.

[ChillySundays]

Party takes priority. It is not setting a good example to your son if you don't go to the party. I have always said to mine DCs if you commit to being somewhere then you go even if something better comes up. I have refused to go to family things with more notice than a day for this reason. Can you walk or get a lift from another parent and DH takes the car. Boo hoo if he can't have a drink. Surely if he is so concerned about seeing the family then surely whether he is drinking or not shouldn't matter!

[joanofarchitrave]

Reading Quint's post reminds me of an awful thread on here (perhaps more than one) of poster after poster describing parties they gave when nobody or almost nobody turned up, including endless children's parties. (I contributed to it). It was such a sad thread.

Honour your original commitment. And tell your dh that his comment about it not mattering is not worthy of an adult with a moral sense.

[Rainbunny]

I would stick to attending the children's party as a matter of good manners - primarily showing your DS that promises should be kept and secondly as a point of principle - showing your DH & inlaws that it is unreasonable to expect you to break a previous engagement, hopefully they will learn to organise things better in future. Do you honestly care if they sulk? It sounds like your DH will be the one sulking most. Can't he use public transport to get there/have a family member pick him up?

[teacherwith2kids]

Is the birthday party close to you / could you get a lift with a friend?

Then your DH can take the car to the BBQ, you can do the child's party with DS. the only possible thing your DH can sulk about is that he can't drink. Tough - and i would call him on it. A brisk 'Do you really think you having a drink is more important than good manners and a child's disappointment? I am really worried about it since alcohol seems to have such importance for you. Shall I make an appointment with the GP for you to dscuss your drinking habits?' might do it....

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

We have two cars.
This issue is dh wants a drink.
And because he thinks he family will be annoyed if we don't go.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

YANBU
Take your ds this party as arranged.
Dh can do as he sees fit with his own time. But it's not on to bully you into driving him to his pissup.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

So what if they're annoyed?
If your ds misses his party he will be upset and you will feel resentful.