To feel we aren't a proper family?

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Because we only have one child?
Everywhere I look it's families with at least two, all the adverts on tv have at least two, all my friends have at least two.

We can't have any more and it constantly feels like someone is missing. We don't feel like a proper real family at all. When we take ds out I feel like people must be feeling sorry for us. There hardly seems any point doing stuff just the three of us.

[revealall]

Ha. I think "proper families" sound rubbish. Two parents and two children is the epitome of dull. Three children is your typical competitive middle class family. More children than that and they are oligarchical Russians families or as poor as church mice. Well to my mind anyway.
One child is perfect. Easy and cheap to look after and good company.

[Pipbin]

Because I was so desperate for a second child I probably do look at it through rose tinted glasses.

OP, I think really this post is about the pain of TTCing. You feel bad that for whatever reason you haven't been able to provide a sibling for your DC. You feel that you have let him down.

[BikeRunSki]

A wise lady once said to me "there's no 'only' about one child".

I did used to sometimes feel like you OP. I had a second child, and tbh, feel like I've been a worse mother to ds since dd was born. My time, patience and temper is so thinly spread that I don't feel that anyone gets anything much positive from me.

Remember, siblings to play with are also siblings to fight with.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

I do feel I've let him down.
My neighbour is more than ten years older than me and had an only the same age as ds. I suppose I assumed that as she is 44 she probably wouldnt have more and it was quite nice that both our dc were onlies as they could play together. Because I am an awful person her pregnancy really knocked me for six and she is now about to have her second dc. All I've heard about is how thrilled her first dc is and how he keeps saying 'thank you mummy, thank you.'
It breaks my heart.

[MillieH30]

So saddened by your post. Your poor DS. I hope you come to see that he alone is worth all the effort in the world.

[dietcokeandcadburys]

It depends on your financial situation, but with one child you'll be able to afford better holidays, more days out etc than if you had more kids .Your son will remember the good things about being an only child and not the bad when he's all grown up.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

I hope so because at the moment I just keep thinking of him all alone in the world when dh and I have died.

[CateBlanket]

Your DS wants to do stuff with you because you are the people he loves most in the world - he thinks you're bloody fabulous!

Get on your bikes - literally! - and go out there and have some FUN. Swimming, camping (if camping can be fun!), reading, theatre, skating - find out what your boy enjoys doing and get stuck in. The world is an adventure for him so join him on it.

Plenty of time for playmates when he's older - enjoy being a happy gang of three.

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH have one baby and there won't be a second.

I certainly feel like a family, there's something special about it just being the three of yes, I like it

[RiverTam]

I know how you feel, you are mourning the family you wanted but can't have. I have been there.

I remember taking DD to the parents and child swimming (under 5s, so 1-to-1) and wondering why she seemed to be very much the oldest (she would have been 4). The I realised that most 4-year-olds have a sibling so they can't go swimming. Which made me sad on the one hand and pleased (that at least I could take DD swimming easily) on the other.

DD has started to ask why she doesn't have a brother or sister, and I try to be honest and say because my body won't let me, but it breaks my heart a bit.

But I love our family: me, DH, our dearest darling girls, and 2 slightly mental cats. And we get to do such lovely things together, just the 3 of us. Yes, I feel sad that she won't have what we had, but she goes to nursery and has lots of friends and I think she's pretty happy!

[MarianneSolong]

I have one daughter and two older stepchildren. I could have tried for a second child but was very involved in caring for my stepchildren. As an older mother I also became very tired while caring for three children - one full-time, the other two part-time. And my partner's career plummeted in terms of earnings at around the time when I would have had to try and conceive, if we were going to have another.

There is sometimes a slight wistfulness - wondering what another child would have been like. However I did my very best to give my daughter a community of people of all ages who cared for her, and to welcome her friends into our house.

People who are step-parents may also worry about not being perceived as a proper families. However I suspect that proper families (Parents who are still married to each other, two or more children from that marriage, no children from earlier or later relationships, are rather in the minority.)

[Tinkleybison]

OP this is about your own unresolved feelings about only having one child. I know how you feel as I have the same feelings of sadness when I see children with siblings and worry DS is missing out, I also don't know any other one child families in real life. But I know how incredibly lucky I am to have him and I actually think it's easier only having one child's interests to cater for. I don't know if yours is too tiny still but now DS is a bit older we have some great times that a small sibling would make difficult.

However, the bottom line is that I still yearn, sometimes heart-achingly, for another baby and I think maybe your feelings are a manifestation of that too?

[Billygoats]

At first I too like other posters thought you were being awful OP but now I see it as you are mourning not be able to conceive dc2. You are lucky to have one perfect ds, while one may not be what you had imagined cherish the family you do have.

On a side note are you eligible for looking into adoption if you cannot find peace with your current family. I'm sure this has already crossed your mind but its something I myself am so keen to look at in the future when we are in the right stage to do so.

[BikeRunSki]

Yy RiverTam, to the swimming thing. I used to love swimming with ds. We had to stop when dd was born. I was gutted (DH can't and won't swim). It used to break my heart when ds (then 3) used to ask random strangers if they could take him swimming.

[Flexibilityiskey]

I feel for you OP. I have an only, and would have liked more. Have you tried flipping your thinking on its head though? Instead of comparing your situation to what you would have wanted, imagine that you had been infertile, and never had a child. Surely if you look at it that way you are so lucky to have a child, and he is to be treasured? As he gets older there will be friends that can come and play with him. He will only feel he is missing out if you give him that impression. My DS has seen other children with their siblings, and came home saying he couldn't cope with that as the younger ones are "so annoying"

[MsVenus]

I come from a large family & grew up with ignorant comments from stupid people about how embarrassing it must be to come from a large family. I am very proud of the family that I have and we are a comfort & support to each other through good & bad times. A proper family is about the quality of the relationship between its menbers not the quantity.

[maddening]

What is the reason for no 2nd dc? Are there options you might consider eg if infertility what would ivf/surrogacy/sperm or egg donation prospects be? Would you consider adoption? If you don't mind me asking? If you so long a child these days there are more options.

I agree with a lot of the pps lots of good advice xx

[frankblackswife]

Was going to say YABU and quite insulting but have read your later posts and really feel for you. You sound very depressed.

FWIW it's only me, DH and our one DC -we are a wee gang the three of us and we (all) love it just the way it is. We never wanted another though and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it -we think we're just great as we are.

I can't stand my one sibling and DH's are a waste of space so the way I look at it is our DC never has to deal with the family crap we do (appreciate we are unusual though!)

[RiverTam]

this thread to me shows that so many people have no concept of the fact that not everyone gets the family they had hoped for, hence the very bullish early responses. I read so many threads where it's clear that posters had never conceived (ha!) for a minute that they wouldn't have 2, 3 or 4 DC (or however many they wanted). And that you can become very sensitive to this fact, that you are one of those oddities that only have one child.

Possibly because I live in an area where it's not unusual to be an older mother, there are a few only children - a couple of DD's closest friends are only children, as is her cousin. But the majority have siblings.

Holidays are what bring me down - DD does love our holidays but if there was another child there she would be in seventh heaven. We don't really know anyone well enough to suggest going on holiday with them. I loved sharing a room with my sister, having our own TV and staying up late yakking to each other.

[justmyview]

I would have loved another child, but it wasn't meant to be. I also worry about the possibility of her being on her own after we die, but try to compensate for that by encouraging DD to spend lots of time with her cousins, family friends etc. I think it's the next best thing to siblings

[Topseyt]

It sounds to me as though circumstances have conspired to stop you having the size of family you envisaged having, and you are understandably finding that hard to accept. I think some posters here have been unduly harsh.

Rest assured though, that you really ARE a proper family. As for siblings, some get along well and some don't. It isn't cast in stone that they will all be good playmates.

I have three daughters. Much as they do often enjoy each other's company, they snipe and squabble for England too. It isn't all a bed of roses.

[Delphiniumsblue]

But they are unlikely to be alone after you both die! They are quite likely to have a wife, children, PIL, whole IL family and quite possibly grand children by then!
You have unresolved issues that you could probably do with counselling for. A family is what you make it. I was a single parent with one child and we were very much a family.

[RiverTam]

oh yes, parents getting old and dying - yes, that worries me. The fact that I have DH doesn't feel relevant - it's me and DSis who will look after DM and we'll have each other when she does die. Of course DH will be there too, but she's not his mother and it's not the same. I do worry about DD having to deal with ageing parents by herself. Though possibly she'll feel differently from me as she won't have grown up with a DSis like me.

[Delphiniumsblue]

If she had a sister she might have emigrated to Australia by then and be no use in day to day care. No one can tell what will happen in the future- but probably not what you expect!

[SueDNim]

There is a lot of pressure around having 2 DC (it seems ideally with a 2 year gap). It's in the little phrases like "do you only have one?" I've started to reply with "there is nothing 'only' about my DD". I did worry about DD's children not having cousins, but I forgot that they will have a family on their father's side and DH doesn't have cousins and seems to see this as a positive.