To feel we aren't a proper family?

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Because we only have one child?
Everywhere I look it's families with at least two, all the adverts on tv have at least two, all my friends have at least two.

We can't have any more and it constantly feels like someone is missing. We don't feel like a proper real family at all. When we take ds out I feel like people must be feeling sorry for us. There hardly seems any point doing stuff just the three of us.

[Weathergames]

Used to feel crap being the only adult with my 3 DC but then I realised they are ace company and the four of us are a family who love each other - Families come in all shaped and sizes :)

[Jinglebellsarecoming]

Xpost with you OP. I totally get what you feel, I feel like people are missing from our family but that doesnot make my family any less 'proper'.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Because I was so desperate for a second child I probably do look at it through rose tinted glasses.
I just imagine it as being loads more fun. When friends tell me what they've done with their dc and how their dc played together and joined in things together it just makes me feel so sad.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I feel bad for you. You're not incomplete but the yearning for a second child can be every bit as strong as for the first. It sounds to me like you are still coming to terms with the fact that you can't have another.

Your DS will be 100% fine. There are many many advantages to being an "only". Those idyllic scenes of siblings playing lovingly together.... don't believe them all. My brother and I regularly kicked the crap out of each other and it was NOT fun.

[Hurr1cane]

It's just me and DS. I can't have any more, neither would I want any. No other child could ever be as awesome as DS... Not biased at all... Not me...

I do like babies though, but cats are like babies but lots easier. I have 4 cats.

[PrinceRogersNelson]

OP I always wanted 3 children. That to me is a 'proper' family. My DD (2nd DC) has SN and a third child was not meant to be.

For a looong time I couldn't enjoy my family because i was wishing for the one I thought I should have. I felt sorry for my DS as he and his sister don't have what I think of as a 'proper' sibling relationship. In my head if we had the family I had imagined we would all be fine.

Anyway, I now realise that I needed to really mourne the third child. Once I had allowed myself to really feel sad about it I was able to move forward and I am now enjoying my family a lot more.

I still look at people with 3 children and feel a pang, but I am ok with it now.

Maybe you need to work through your grief for the child you didn't get to have?

[Amaxapax]

I was an only child growing up and I loved our little family. We were a very close unit and I had a great relationship with both parents. You're probably struggling more because you don't have an only child by choice, necessarily, but there are so many lovely things about being just one. My mom used to say that I was all she ever wanted. I never for a second thought that I wasn't absolutely and unconditionally loved more than anyone else by the two people who were most important to me. I couldn't ask for a better family than that.

[TheBogQueen]

My friend was an only child and she had a pony - I'd have traded my sister for a pony in a heartbeat..

[RainbowInACloud]

I am an only child and I grew up with the best family you could wish for.
It's even more important that you take him out and do things so you get that bit more interaction.
I think you are dealing with your own feelings of loss at not having any more children and you are projecting those feelings onto your son.
He will undoubtedly feel that you are his family and the only one he could need or want.
Sorry you feel sad.

[Finola1step]

I think this is much more about why you can not have a bigger family rather than the fact that you are a small family of 3.

You need to address your feelings around the why so that you can move on and enjoy your dc's childhood.

When he wakes tomorrow hold his hand. Feel the smallness of it in yours. Savour that feeling. Before you know it, his hand will be rather big and you will no longer be able to feel his little, beautiful hand as he holds on tight.

can you tell that my ds is a big 6 year old?

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

I'm an only myself but I think it's different being a girl only. I've always been close to my parents, think boys not so much? I was fine and liked it although I do wish I had a sibling now if I'm honest.
Ds is so different to me though, he doesn't like playing alone. He likes people and other children.

[CruCru]

I think you need to be kind to yourself. You need to mourn the additional child that you would have wanted but to recognise that your DS is separate from that feeling.

Why not plan something really nice with the three of you and take lots of pictures? Get your DH to take photos of you with your DS (I am usually the photographer so miss out on being in the photos). Or it may be worth having a professional photoshoot with the three of you and get a really nice framed photo of the three of you. I know it sounds random but it may draw a line under your family (if that makes sense).

There are lots of positives to having only one. Holidays that you go on will always suit your DS - he won't have to compromise with a baby who absolutely needs four naps a day.

Does he have lots of friends to have playdates with? Cousins? If you worry that he would like a sibling then forming close bonds with cousins may really help.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

I think actually it's not so much that ds isn't enough for me it's that I feel so bloody guilty that ds is stuck with me instead of a proper playmate.
I can't understand why he would want to do anything with me. A parent is surely second best to another child.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

No cousins close in age because I'm an only and dh's brothers are lots older so their children are in their late teens.

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

This makes me sad. There are lots of up sides of having more than one child, but many advantages of having one child.

Of course you are a family, cherish what you have and don't mourn for what you don't have.

Just imagine if something awful happened to your son, then you may not feel like a family.

Think positive, you are so lucky to have a fab child, many people don't have that, and if you need another head to feed, cats and dogs are definitely family members!

[monkeymamma]

Yanbu to feel what you feel, OP. That's just how it is. But I do want to tell you that your family IS important, the three of you are wonderful, your ds is not missing out if he has two parents who love him. I would never feel sorry for a family of three, just wouldn't enter my head. Some sibs get on, some don't. It's swings and roundabouts. As he gets older you can take along a friend, it'll be more fun cos they'll be the same age and wanting to do the same things.
One thing I think is important for onlies is for them to get the same freedoms that one of a group would get. I think parents can relax a bit as time and experience show them to worry less etc. without the seasoning of older sibs you need to remind yourself to try to chill a bit more I reckon.
your ds sounds still small. As he gets older the three of you will get used to being a group of three and have lots of fun together.
Being three can be wonderful. Remember in the bible (and I'm not religious, just love a good metaphor) the thread of three is the strongest 'and cannot be easily broken'.
Have fun, go easy on yourself and enjoy the future x

[merlehaggard]

I know exactly how you feel and used to feel the same. I used to tell my husband that I didn't feel like a real family. I had fertility issues and much later had 2 more children. However, I can now see how wrong I was. It's a different family to having 2/3/4 children but there are benefits too. Try to appreciate that you are a family. Many childless couples would give anything to have what you have.

[CruCru]

How old is he? Could he go to a preschool for a couple of mornings a week to get some social time?

At quite a lot of "child-friendly" places, the kids all hook up together and play together.

Where do you live?

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

I also think awful things like 'if something happened to ds that's it, I wouldn't be a mother'

[Glittery7]

Meant to also add, my much longed for second child has ASD and rarely interacts meaningfully with her elder sibling.
Of course I wouldn't change things now but I am not always convinced having her has enhanced my first daughters life.
And we are certainly not an "advert family".

[defineme]

Oh I think there's very few proper families if that's your criteria op. Look at my family from a distance and we look like that, look closer and you'll see ds1 has sn and doesn't want to play with his siblings at all. Family over the road have 2 kids but huge age gap and eldest rarely goes out with them. Family few doors down is single dad of one ds and lives with his parents. We're all families and you need to focus on how lucky your ds is-count his blessings for him.

[CruCru]

The thing is, if the sort of families you are referring to were the only "proper" families, then it would just be like the Boden catalogue. Very few people actually live like that.

[Bluestocking]

Of course you're entitled to your feelings, but you do need to be careful that you don't transmit them to your son. He will imagine that he isn't satisfactory, not enough for you, lacking in some way.

I have an only child and he, DP and I are definitely a proper family. I can't imagine anyone feeling sorry for us - especially not a multi-child family when the siblings are all fighting with each other, and none of them can actually have what they want. The person I wanted to spend time with as a child was my mum, and that was the one thing that wasn't going to happen, because she was stretched too thin.

Because I am one of three, very close in age, and a lot of the inter-sibling stuff growing up was really grim - lots of vicious fighting, genuinely toxic battles for scarce resources (mainly parental attention) as children, real loathing of each other as teens and young adults - I have a very jaundiced view of multi-child families, which is reinforced by how much scrapping my friends' and neighbours' children seem to do with their siblings. Of course your friends talk up the nice bits - they don't want to think about how much nicer their lives might have been if they'd stopped at one and didn't have to listen to all the fighting.

My siblings and I get on OK now but actually my best friend means far, far more to me than either of my siblings. Make sure your DS has lots of opportunities to make friends and be a good friend, and enjoy your perfect little family.

[Naoko]

OP, I was about to give you both barrels but actually, you sound so sad, and in your later posts you sound incredibly down on yourself, so I'm not going to because it really won't help you at all. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sure you know, rationally, that you are a proper family, and you don't need us to tell you that.

I'm struck by you saying that you feel sorry for your DS that he's 'stuck with you' and 'can't understand why he would want anything to do with you'. That doesn't sound very healthy to me, and it makes me a bit sad and worried for you :( Are you often this hard on yourself? Would you consider going to talk to someone about it? Because I think it's a real shame that you feel this way, and it seems to be spoiling what should be a lovely time with your young DS.

[mrstigs]

I do sort of understand you OP. When I had ds1 I used to take him out and see him looking at other kids and think 'awww, he needs a sibling to play with'. It was certainly rubbish and he was just watching them out of interest but it was more my way of acknowledging my feelings of wanting a larger family. Luckily we did have 2 more dc's but if we hadn't been able to I would certainly have felt a bit of 'loss' for the family I had in my mind.
But you cant let those feelings spoil your time with your ds and dh. Acknowledge them, work through them, then grab your life with both hands and make lots of nice memories for you and your little boy.
(If it makes you feel better I also reckon my ds would swop his siblings for a cracker most days, it ain't always like the Waltons. )