To feel we aren't a proper family?

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Because we only have one child?
Everywhere I look it's families with at least two, all the adverts on tv have at least two, all my friends have at least two.

We can't have any more and it constantly feels like someone is missing. We don't feel like a proper real family at all. When we take ds out I feel like people must be feeling sorry for us. There hardly seems any point doing stuff just the three of us.

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

When he is old enough explain to him infertility. DH knows his parents couldn't have a second. It is nothing to be ashamed about.

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

OP would it help if you get some counselling on your feeling of not having r size of the family you wanted?

I wouldn't come and criticise you for wanting more than one child. I desperately wanted a second. We tried for over 18mo and had two MCs. I am very lucky to be 26 weeks pregnant now.

However I know enough that I wanted it for myself. I have a brother and we never got along. We only played when we were very very young. He is a Facebook friend and that's the level of interaction we have. My dad also doesn't get along with his only brother. I don't even know when he last spoke with him. My mum is very closed with her siblings. It is all a bit of pot luck.

DH is a a very happy only child. He does not think he missed anything. He has friends coming to his place for Xmas, always have friends around and for sleepovers. He said I should be happy to have one because then we can afford to give our DD better, and there will be no sibling rivalry. He also refused to have fertility treatment if I failed to have a second because he really does believe one is better. Our compromise was to try only naturally for a second.

So I do understand why you feel sad. But understand that there are many grown up only child. And many who have siblings they don't get along at all.

Listen to all here who tell you please to get help so you don't ruin what you have got. Your DS should be good enough for you.

[Mutley77]

I really understand how you feel. I felt like this with one DC and it was made worse by a friend saying "oh we feel like a proper family now we've got 2" (when we had been ttc number 2 for AGES - she didn't know that). And even when we had 2 I felt, totally irrationally, that my DD envied her friends with more siblings.

But please try and enjoy having one whatever it takes. Tbh it is easy to see how great having one is/would be when you have more (I now have 3). If DD had stayed an only I could do so much with her that I can't do now - in terms of time, money, emotional energy etc. And there is always a tiny moment of "if I hadn't had number 2 or number 3 ...." but I know I am lucky - as are you.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Our last not our lady!!

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Thank you for all the positive responses.

Ds does ask for a sibling quite regularly. And like a PP said I tend to blame anything that's wrong on the fact he doesn't have a sibling. I feel that absence all the time, even though I know he probably doesn't.

We've tried ivf. I don't think we would consider adoption at the moment, besides you have to have not been pursuing children of your own for 2 years I think before you can adopt and our lady failed ivf wasn't long ago.
We may consider it in the future.

I know I've done everything I can but I still feel like I've failed ds and dh.

[SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered]

You are definately a proper family. I have two DDs. People are not feeling sorry for you, why would they? If I saw you out and about with your son I would 100% think of you as a family.

My DDs are aged 7 and 5 and they argue non-stop, literally from the moment they wake up. I'm not saying I'd prefer to only have one child but I'm aware that DD1 has been jealous of DD2 since DD2 was about a year old. Days out are filled with arguements, it's incredibly stressful, I'm ashamed of their behaviour and I seriously look around me and wonder 'why aren't we a normal family like everyone else'. Me and DP end up bickering as a result of all the bickering between the two girls. What I'm trying to say is, no family is perfect.

Are you generally anxious OP? I suffer from bouts of anxiety where I worry about lots of things, and sometimes I focus on something to be really anxious about. Are you naturally an anxious person? It sounds like you beat yourself up about things.

I bet your little boy is happy and doesn't notice not having a sibling. Several of my DC's friends are only children and they seem like totally normal, very happy children to me.

[TheScottishPlay]

We are 3, DH, DS and myself. We are an awesome 'proper' family as are most of the families I know whether they have 1,2,3 or more DC.
Like pp have said I hope your DS never feels he isn't enough to fulfil your ideal of 'family'.
Rejoice in what you have and can offer him in time, activities etc. Childhood is so short, make his wonderful.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

You can't miss what you have never had.

I know exactly where you are coming from OP. Dd is an only. I was 40 when I had her and just never countenanced having anymore. But when I read of women in their mid to late 40's having babies I wonder why I didn't.

I used to feel so sad for dd. And with us being older she will be without parents sooner than some. Her cousins are all older or abroad.


But, I shook off the feelings, made sure I made friends with people with children of a similar age so that she had loads of opportunities for playing and holidays.

And bought her a pony.

Please seek help for your feelings.

[Katy1368]

Agree with most of the other posters, this is grief speaking. I have an only but that was my choice which makes it a whole different ball game. to be deprived of a second when you really really wanted one must be agony. I feel for you OP.

Try to recognise it for what it is and approach it like any other bereavement, grief is a process that needs to be gone through with the help of family, friends, counselling whatever is best for you.

Your DS will not suffer from being an only honestly, I look at my DD and she is so full of life and happy and we are so close, she is having a lovely childhood with loads of friends, your son will have this too because you love him. Children do however pick up on sadness/depression more than we realise I believe so I think you need to work to come out of the other side and be happy again.

[toothurty]

I dont think i would consider me and dh as a family if it was just the two of us,family to me means you have children together.Human ones.

OP what about adopting?

[TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals]

It isn't an opinion I share but have been told that until we have another that we're just a couple with a child rather than a family.

I don't understand that reasoning AT ALL. In their eyes we will remain as a couple with one child. I look at people with two children and all they do is referee their fights. They must be nice to each other occassionally but one is easy in comparison.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Plus there are plenty of adverts that show a couple and one child. And remember that they're casted. Plenty of kid actors in a large family ad are probably only children too.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

You sound very depressed OP, and you sound like you are projecting your issues onto your son. I have one son. He has never felt the loss of a sibling. As is being mentioned on another thread, you cannot guarantee they would even end up liking each other. Plenty of siblings hate each other. Try and appreciate what you have, I know it's easier said than done!

[FrenchJunebug]

it's only me and my DS. Do I need to feel I am incomplete?! Adverts show an (boring) middle of the road situation which you cannot compare yourself to otherwise we would all be losers.

YABU

[mummytime]

OP - parents lie as society puts a lot of pressure to conform to an ideal. Lots of siblings don't like each other, or find closeness suffocating.
My kids get on pretty well BUT
DC1 would have liked an elder sibling, probably ideally a brother.
DC2 would have liked to have been an only child
DC3 would still like to be a big sister

I would have quite liked 4 children, but on the other hand know that 3 is the top before you start to need different cars, and different holidays. More would also have made a lot of life much more expensive/difficult.

I am an only child - and see a lot of advantages. The chance of more attention, the chance of doing what I want - not having to compromise with others needs, the chance to be alone - rather than others forcing their company all the time. A parent of an only child has a much better chance of being aware of and involved in what is going on in their child's life.

My DC2's first word was "Dat" as obviously the Cat was far more important than any of the rest of us.

Please get counselling - grieving is fine, but really your DC will be fine with or without a sibling. Everyone grows up in a different family and having a sibling isn't always a positive.

[threepiecesuite]

OP, I understand how you feel and I feel it too - irrational as it is. We have one 4yo DD and can't seem to have any more, ttc 2.5 yrs.

But a friend with two children said to me this week that she'd enjoyed looking at my Facebook photos of all the lovely things we've done this year (nothing extravagant, just two caravan holidays and lots of days out to attractions) but it made her jealous as she didn't have the money to take 2 kids on days out, plus she said 'you all look so relaxed all the time and I just look harrassed'.

So I suppose it works two ways.

[PinkSquash]

A family is what you make it. I would see a doctor, it's not a great way to feel.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

ETA: Reading that back - my stepmother's family was large but, reading between the lines, not very loving or close or even very happy. My dad had just his parents but they were incredibly close, fun-loving and very, very happy. (My grandma nearly died when he was born, so chose never to have another child). He adored his mum. They were absolutely a proper family and, as it turned out, more of one than my stepmother's large family who, when my generation go, will be wiped out forever.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

My stepmother comes from a large family. My dad was an only child. She used to tell him he wasn't from a 'proper family'. My dad had just 2 kids - she had 4. She'd also say to him that one day she'd have loads more grandkids than him, so yet again, he wasn't from a real family.

Fast forward 30 years. My dad ended up with 7 grandchildren. Stepmother? Zero. His genes are going on into the future! Her's - not. I wonder who is the proper family there, now..?

[sleepsforwimps2010]

Op you haven't fully come to terms with the fact you can't have more; it's making you anxious sad and you are hugely over thinking these situations... you are grieving for the life you might have had, which is making it impossible to see the joy you do have...
It took me a while but with help from my doc I am now excepting and happy with the family I have.

[Paddingtonthebear]

I would suggest talking to your GP before this eats away at you and all these negative feelings start affecting your DS

[Paddingtonthebear]

With respect snowcherries, you don't NEED to understand why people would choose to "only" have one child. Others choices have nothing to do with you.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

I just can't understand why people would choose to only have one child, although my own mother says she did. However she was older when she had me so I so wonder if perhaps it just never happened for her either.

It's hearing friends say how their youngest dc adores the eldest. Friend's ds yesterday said his first word - her ds's name. I will never have this and nor will dh or ds. I know I'm missing previous time with ds by feeling like this but thinking that makes it even worse, I keep thinking 'stop it you'll never get this time back' and it makes me feel anxious and stressed out.

[TinyTear]

I have one dd.
She came after 3 miscarriages and I had 2 more since.

I am going to give it one more go and just spent £360 for some recurrent miscarriage investigation as can't get more NHS until 3 in a row.

I will then either have the second child or ask my GP for counselling to come to terms with having one child.

But as it was so hard to get her, I am so happy for one...

But I know where you are coming from.

Talk to your GP

[Delphiniumsblue]

I bet that some people are looking at you when you are out and thinking 'how lovely'. You can do more for a start as it costs less, you have time to talk to the one child and do what interests them- you don't have to pull yourself more ways with one child bored stiff because they are not interested.
I am baffled about the 'lonely as an adult bit' as if their life revolves around parents and siblings. It doesn't!