To think that having a spoilt child isn't something to be proud of?

[floraldora]

My friend's DD is 6, and is thoroughly spoilt. My friend never, ever says "No" to her or her younger brother, and will do absolutely anything that her DD asks her to do, or rather demands that she does!

She also spoils her in a material way; she buys her toys and clothes constantly. The DD had three birthday parties this year. About 6 months ago she and her DH were painting her DD's room and the DD chose blue. Once the room was painted, the DD had a screaming tantrum about wanting pink instead, and they painted the whole room pink! We have been out for lunch before and the DD has ordered a meal. Once the meal has arrived the DD has put her parts on and said she wants something else, and my friend has just ordered something else for her!

Needless to say her DD is rude, demanding, and extremely bossy.

What baffles me is that my friend seems really proud of the fact that her daughter is so spoilt. She refers to her DD as "The Diva", and does endless Facebook statuses saying things like "Little Diva didn't like her dinner tonight so screamed until I cooked her some spaghetti. Love her". The statuses are done in an affectionate "Isn't she brilliant?" way, rather than a "She is hard work" kind of way.

She also seems proud when out and about and her DD plays up, and just refers to her as The Diva all the time. We went to a soft play place recently and her DD hit another child, and my friend just shrugged it off as her DD being a diva and "liking her own way"

If I didn't like my friend so much I'd distance myself as it all infuriates me.

AIBU to think that having a spoilt child that is likely to grow up to be a spoilt adult that no one likes is nothing to be proud of?

[Gurnie]

It's horrible isn't it? Spoilt is such a good word though because whenever I meet a spoilt child like this I think it's a great shame because that child's chance to grow up well balanced and well adjusted really has been spoilt by this parent (s) who don't have a clue.

What I don't get is how these parents don't see that this behaviour will make their child unpopular with other children and adults alike? It's such a strong instinct to want to help your child and to teach them how to behave so that they can make friends etc. How can these parents not see that the way they are treating their child is NOT helping them?

I'm afraid we did end up distancing ourselves from friends with kids who were horribly spoilt. It was just too difficult to be around them.....not knowing where to look and having them spoil every single social event we organised. Yanbu.

[mom2twoteens]

Doris,

What a lovely memory.

[NearTheWindymill]

Why blame the child for the mother's poor parenting. I was spoilt as a child; I had wonderful clothes, a beautiful home, even a pony. I had a mother who showed off all those things for the image it created for her. She told people I was miserable and ungrateful and people thought I was the luckiest little girl alive. They didn't hear the comments about a plain child, a miserable child, a child that wasn't as she wanted.

Oh yes, I was spoilt to the core, my self esteem was shot to smithereens by the time I was a teenager. It took me years to recover. Yes, my mother is a narc.

I find it really hurtful that grown women criticise the child and not the parent.

My children are spoilt rotten. They have love and attention, honesty and self esteem. The only thing they don't have is a fucking pony and my mother has criticised that shortfall often enough.

[Gurnie]

I don't think anyone is blaming the child NearTheWindymill. I think you are absoultely right, it's not her fault.

[Only1scoop]

Blimey....ordering her a different lunch after she'd picked over the first one.

Yanbu....


Wait until she orders her a convertible for her birthday in the wrong colour

[Ghirly]

yanbu

I also have a couple of friends who treat their children like this. When the children are around my DCs they are bossy and expect to play with all my DCs toys and tell them what to do, how they arent doing things right etc

Its hard work so I have had to distance myself.

I was on placement in a primary 1 class last year and the spoilt children stuck out a mile, and not in a positive way. It is very unfair on the children to parent in this way imo.

[fatowl]

There is a parent at our school who indulges her kids to a point that her kids absolutely have to have their way all the time. Starring roles in school productions, places on sports teams, you name it.....

She will be up at the school daily "fighting their corner".
Deeply unpopular with staff and parents.

her dd1 is now Y7 (same year as my dd3). The secondary school are not tolerating it at all, and the dd1 is not coping with having to deal with stuff that mummy would previously have sorted out for her. (even though mum is still trying!)

I believe it is neglect. The parent is failing to teach the child life skills to deal with the real world.
At some point something will happen that mummy simply can't "sort out", and they will have no skills to deal with it, eg failing a driving test.

[Gurnie]

It's grim isn't it fatowl....but why can't they see that it makes their children disliked and poorly prepared? I just don't get it.

[Ediblehamster]

I'm not sure about this. DD has a friend who is really, really, spoilt. Every toy under the sun - it's obscene and almost embarrassing when you walk into the house. Can't go out without getting something new and will tantrum until her mum gives in, which she does. But this girl is lovely whenever she comes to our house and has no problems at school. Kids are smart and work out how they can treat different people. And you can sense her insecurity at having so much control over her mum. That's not normal is it.

[tobysmum77]

the opposite isn't being neglected. The opposite of excellent parenting is neglect . This is average/poor parenting imo.

[Delphiniumsblue]

It is very poor parenting and you feel very, very sorry for the child.
They need the security of a parent in control. You hope she is smart enough to change when away from mother.

[coralanne]

I was discussing this same thing with a relative several days ago.

She was complaining that her DM told her that she was spoiling her almost 4 year old DS.

Yes she does buy a lot of toys etc. for DS and she invariably gives him a choice of two or three different menus for his meals. She is also late for work quite a lot because she lets him go at his own pace.

However, I firmly believe that a child is classed as spoilt when you spoil their nature. This DS has a lovely naure and is extremely polite and caring.

[callamia]

I agree that this is neglectful in its own way. Most six year olds shouldn't need to throw almighty tantrums, they should have the means to deal with situations they find disappointing or frustrating. It's usually parents' role to guide their children to this point.

A child who is expected to behave like this isn't having a happy time. I kind if suspect that her parents don't know how to, or feel unable to manage her emotions, and to teach her to do the same. This isn't ok, this is (as others have given examples of) setting her up for things not being ok in the longer run.

[Roussette]

I wonder if the FB posts are because deep down Mum knows 'the diva' is spoilt but she's gone so far down the road with this, she doesn't know how to set boundaries so she makes a joke of it to excuse her behaviour. It's very easy to blame the child's behaviour when in fact it's poor parenting.

[Only1scoop]

Tbh my dd is probably a little spoiled in my opinion materially....we have had her late in life an only one....
Materially she has quite a lot of lovely things.

So yes she may in some ways be spoilt materially however....She would never ever ask and never expects.... Is beautifully behaved and polite and has outstanding manners....and at under 4 already IMO has great values and considers herself a very lucky girl and often says so. I would hate people to think she was spoilt in the same ways as the child Op refers to.....

[jaysaway]

Yanbu at all she will grow into a spilt entitled foot stomping adult god help your friend when little diva turns into a teenager buying kids stuff is very different from indulging their behaviour imo it is doing them no favours and it is actually neglecting their needs children need crave boundries (sp) it is unfair on the children to spoil them like that. I know somebody with twin divas they are only little but a complete PITA already they stomp and scream and throw wobbilies when they dont get their own way, the parents laugh and say oh my precious princesses fuck off

[jaysaway]

spoilt*

[jaysaway]

Only1scoop I do think some people confuse spoiled with material things it is different,

[Only1scoop]

Jays....thank you I do hope so.

My Dp God mother is a very wise older lady and described our dd as 'terribly spoilt' she also happens to be a Nun and I was a tiny bit hurt....as I really like her.

Dp said like you that she meant it about 'things' as in she has always led a relatively simple life materially and was probably a bit amazed at how many beautiful things she has....as children she works with have far less.

It embarrassed me a little I guess!

[Gurnie]

I don't think that having a lot of things necessarily makes a child "spoilt" at all, Only1scoop. I agree with Coralanne, it's more about their nature and behaviour. My dd is an only so has never been short of attention and has lots of nice things but isn't in the slightest bit spoilt. She has a friend whose parents are very wealthy and who has loads of amazing holidays, beautiful clothes, expensive toys etc and she isn't "spoilt" in her behaviour either, she is a lovely kid. The worst behaved children I ever knew weren't particularly spoilt in a material sense.

My MIL described Dd as spoilt in a very similar context to the way your God mother described your Dd Only1scoop. I said "well, she has alot of my time and attention and many lovely things but she's very grateful for them and is very well behaved" and she agreed.

I think the op is talking about a totally different situation and I agree with Rousette, the mum has probably realised that it's all a bit out of control and doesn't know how to get it back on track. A great shame for the little girl though.

[Gurnie]

That was our experience jaysaway with the spoilt twins that we knew. Ugh, it was painful to witness. The kids were constantly tantrumming and demanding things and the parents would sigh and look at us and say things like "Oh they're all the same aren't they?" We'd think "No, they are not all the bloody same. Put your foot down for once". When I finally said that though it didn't go down too well!

[FraidyCat]

I think "spoiled" is subjective term, in the saw way that "naughty" is.

Being a parent had made me realise that "naughty" is almost always a matter of opinion, you may think your daughter is naughty, but in my view my daughter doing the same things isn't, she's simply someone who asserts what she perceives as her legitimate interests, in ways that other people may find annoying.


If the parents are reasonably happy to order a second meal, or paint the room twice, then I don't think those are examples of being "spoiled."

I think "spoiled" means someone who expects more than the people they expect it from think is reasonable, different people have different ideas about what is reasonable.

[mymoonandstars]

I work with a woman brought up in the same manner as this (she imparts the details to us a lot) and she can be both extremely unlikable and likeable in equal amounts. She has managed to master manipulation to the point where her true self will appear, and she will suddenly remember that thats not the way to get what you want, and revert back to being lovely. She is extremely unhappy and cannot figure out why, but the truth is glaringly obvious :

She is not equipped with the emotional resources to deal with not getting what she wants.

And this child will suffer the same fate I believe.

[Gurnie]

While I agree with you in a way Fraidy, clearly we do all have differing opinions about what is "naughty" or "spoilt", I don't think that attitude is terribly helpful in teaching children how to get along with others and that is one of the main jobs we have as parents.

Looking at the example of the room being repainted....do you really think that's a sensible response to a young child's demands? Yes, obviously the parents can do what they like but do you honestly think that someone who perpetually acquiesces to their young child's changing demands is doing them a favour?

I can tell you they are not. I have looked after and taught hundreds of children over the years and I can tell you that the ones who are pandered to in this way are the most unhappy, lonely children of them all. They are very emotionally insecure and are seeking boundaries which their parents do not provide.

You might understand why your child is acting in the way that they are but if that behaviour is annoying/upsetting/overly demanding of others then hopefully you would try to stop them from behaving like this and arm them with more effective, sensible ways to express themselves.

[jaysaway]

my sister is an indulged 30 yr old I am years older than her we have different dads, ANYWAY she is like an overgrown teenager dont get me wrong she is lovely to with/other people but having spent a few days away with my parents and her it really opened my eyes to her, they flock round her like she is a baby bird and she is so annoying and precious when she is ,with them they never did half the things for me they do for her , they even call her the bairn sometimes you do kids no favours indulging them as littlies as you keep doing it when they are supposed to be grown ups