To think that having a spoilt child isn't something to be proud of?

[floraldora]

My friend's DD is 6, and is thoroughly spoilt. My friend never, ever says "No" to her or her younger brother, and will do absolutely anything that her DD asks her to do, or rather demands that she does!

She also spoils her in a material way; she buys her toys and clothes constantly. The DD had three birthday parties this year. About 6 months ago she and her DH were painting her DD's room and the DD chose blue. Once the room was painted, the DD had a screaming tantrum about wanting pink instead, and they painted the whole room pink! We have been out for lunch before and the DD has ordered a meal. Once the meal has arrived the DD has put her parts on and said she wants something else, and my friend has just ordered something else for her!

Needless to say her DD is rude, demanding, and extremely bossy.

What baffles me is that my friend seems really proud of the fact that her daughter is so spoilt. She refers to her DD as "The Diva", and does endless Facebook statuses saying things like "Little Diva didn't like her dinner tonight so screamed until I cooked her some spaghetti. Love her". The statuses are done in an affectionate "Isn't she brilliant?" way, rather than a "She is hard work" kind of way.

She also seems proud when out and about and her DD plays up, and just refers to her as The Diva all the time. We went to a soft play place recently and her DD hit another child, and my friend just shrugged it off as her DD being a diva and "liking her own way"

If I didn't like my friend so much I'd distance myself as it all infuriates me.

AIBU to think that having a spoilt child that is likely to grow up to be a spoilt adult that no one likes is nothing to be proud of?

[MRSjayy]

MY dds boyfriend is indulged I feel guilty for saying this and he is a nice lad BUT he is like a little boy still and he doesn't seem to have any oomf about him as his parents provide everything for him,
he is working age and only works 2 daysa week doesn't seem to want any more shifts
dd is wanting to move away to work in the future and I am quite worried he will hold her back they have been together for years and seem pretty stable I am worried as he is so comfy at home getting provided for she won't do what she wants to stay with him if that makes sense

[UnderthePalms]

Lovely story Doris.

[babewiththepower]

My friend is still spoilt, his parents pay his mortgage and his DC's nursery fees, pay for his wedding and his car. He is really lazy when it comes to everything, theres no staying power. If he doesn't want to stick at a job, he just leaves. Once you are on that road it can be hard work to stop, so I can see why people do it as its just easier to give in - at least to begin with. And no one wants to be against their own child. But its definitely not how I was brought up and not how I plan to bring up my DC.

[22honey]

'It's doing the child a huge disservice because one of the most valuable lessons in life is learning how to be disappointed and how to deal with it. Giving a child everything on a plate is setting them up for failure later.'

This exactly, I wanted for nothing as a child, I was spoilt. I was never taught to help around the house or do anything at all either, everything was done for me. The concept of disappointment never ever hit me till I was an adult dealing with my own shit and it really wasn't nice. I was not used to not getting everything I wanted (inevitably, once your an adult your parents can no longer provide you with everything you want/need, you must do it yourself).

[22honey]

Their DD will likely be in for a shock when she becomes an adult. I was spoilt and was not ready for the shock of adult life and responsibility. I really, really don't recommend spoiling children.

Another things that baffles me which is related is why many people insist on having lots of money/being well off before they have children. Their children will end up spoilt like myself because the parents opinion is that they should want for nothing so they need lots of money before they have them to buy their kids everything they ask for. As said, these children will inevitably become spoilt brats.

'Spoilt children are not happy children'- this is correct aswell.

[handcream]

Are you referring to my SIL? Her DD is exactly like this.....

[Itsfab]

I never said they did, jaysaway.

[jaysaway]

itsfab a confident child has no need to be demanding and foot stomp really confident children are usually quite happy with their lot ime

oh and what Lotta said

[Lottapianos]

'I totally agree with those of you that say it is far better than neglect'

I think this kind of parenting is still neglectful. Learning to understand boundaries, learning that sometimes the answer is 'no' and learning to manage your response to that is a very important part of emotional development. It sounds like these parents are giving in all the time for an easy life and because they want to be best buddies with their daughter at all times. They are setting her up for such a shock in later life. It sounds like she is becoming a child that other kids won't want to play with and adult won't want to spend time with. Poor kid.

[Itsfab]

Maybe she is confused and thinks her child's behaviour is a sign of her confidence as she wouldn't want a shy child.

[Gurnie]

I think you are right jaysaway (your sister does sound annoying!) and sarahquilt. I think they are scared of saying no and then, once they have "created a monster" by behaving like that, they don't know how to change things.

Sarahquilt, that is so important isn't it? I think this whenever my dd has an upset or a dissapointment or whatever and I tell her "well, yes, it's upsetting, I totally understand but you will get through it and you will learn from it and it will make you much more resillient as a person".

[sarahquilt]

It's doing the child a huge disservice because one of the most valuable lessons in life is learning how to be disappointed and how to deal with it. Giving a child everything on a plate is setting them up for failure later.

[jaysaway]

I think the bottom line is parents like this are scared their child won't love/like them it is sad really

[sashh]

What I don't get is how these parents don't see that this behaviour will make their child unpopular with other children and adults alike?

But then they come running back how to be told how nasty that teacher/ other child / relative is and here, have something to make you feel better.

[jaysaway]

my sister is an indulged 30 yr old I am years older than her we have different dads, ANYWAY she is like an overgrown teenager dont get me wrong she is lovely to with/other people but having spent a few days away with my parents and her it really opened my eyes to her, they flock round her like she is a baby bird and she is so annoying and precious when she is ,with them they never did half the things for me they do for her , they even call her the bairn sometimes you do kids no favours indulging them as littlies as you keep doing it when they are supposed to be grown ups

[Gurnie]

While I agree with you in a way Fraidy, clearly we do all have differing opinions about what is "naughty" or "spoilt", I don't think that attitude is terribly helpful in teaching children how to get along with others and that is one of the main jobs we have as parents.

Looking at the example of the room being repainted....do you really think that's a sensible response to a young child's demands? Yes, obviously the parents can do what they like but do you honestly think that someone who perpetually acquiesces to their young child's changing demands is doing them a favour?

I can tell you they are not. I have looked after and taught hundreds of children over the years and I can tell you that the ones who are pandered to in this way are the most unhappy, lonely children of them all. They are very emotionally insecure and are seeking boundaries which their parents do not provide.

You might understand why your child is acting in the way that they are but if that behaviour is annoying/upsetting/overly demanding of others then hopefully you would try to stop them from behaving like this and arm them with more effective, sensible ways to express themselves.

[mymoonandstars]

I work with a woman brought up in the same manner as this (she imparts the details to us a lot) and she can be both extremely unlikable and likeable in equal amounts. She has managed to master manipulation to the point where her true self will appear, and she will suddenly remember that thats not the way to get what you want, and revert back to being lovely. She is extremely unhappy and cannot figure out why, but the truth is glaringly obvious :

She is not equipped with the emotional resources to deal with not getting what she wants.

And this child will suffer the same fate I believe.

[FraidyCat]

I think "spoiled" is subjective term, in the saw way that "naughty" is.

Being a parent had made me realise that "naughty" is almost always a matter of opinion, you may think your daughter is naughty, but in my view my daughter doing the same things isn't, she's simply someone who asserts what she perceives as her legitimate interests, in ways that other people may find annoying.


If the parents are reasonably happy to order a second meal, or paint the room twice, then I don't think those are examples of being "spoiled."

I think "spoiled" means someone who expects more than the people they expect it from think is reasonable, different people have different ideas about what is reasonable.

[Gurnie]

That was our experience jaysaway with the spoilt twins that we knew. Ugh, it was painful to witness. The kids were constantly tantrumming and demanding things and the parents would sigh and look at us and say things like "Oh they're all the same aren't they?" We'd think "No, they are not all the bloody same. Put your foot down for once". When I finally said that though it didn't go down too well!

[Gurnie]

I don't think that having a lot of things necessarily makes a child "spoilt" at all, Only1scoop. I agree with Coralanne, it's more about their nature and behaviour. My dd is an only so has never been short of attention and has lots of nice things but isn't in the slightest bit spoilt. She has a friend whose parents are very wealthy and who has loads of amazing holidays, beautiful clothes, expensive toys etc and she isn't "spoilt" in her behaviour either, she is a lovely kid. The worst behaved children I ever knew weren't particularly spoilt in a material sense.

My MIL described Dd as spoilt in a very similar context to the way your God mother described your Dd Only1scoop. I said "well, she has alot of my time and attention and many lovely things but she's very grateful for them and is very well behaved" and she agreed.

I think the op is talking about a totally different situation and I agree with Rousette, the mum has probably realised that it's all a bit out of control and doesn't know how to get it back on track. A great shame for the little girl though.

[Only1scoop]

Jays....thank you I do hope so.

My Dp God mother is a very wise older lady and described our dd as 'terribly spoilt' she also happens to be a Nun and I was a tiny bit hurt....as I really like her.

Dp said like you that she meant it about 'things' as in she has always led a relatively simple life materially and was probably a bit amazed at how many beautiful things she has....as children she works with have far less.

It embarrassed me a little I guess!

[jaysaway]

Only1scoop I do think some people confuse spoiled with material things it is different,

[jaysaway]

spoilt*

[jaysaway]

Yanbu at all she will grow into a spilt entitled foot stomping adult god help your friend when little diva turns into a teenager buying kids stuff is very different from indulging their behaviour imo it is doing them no favours and it is actually neglecting their needs children need crave boundries (sp) it is unfair on the children to spoil them like that. I know somebody with twin divas they are only little but a complete PITA already they stomp and scream and throw wobbilies when they dont get their own way, the parents laugh and say oh my precious princesses fuck off

[Only1scoop]

Tbh my dd is probably a little spoiled in my opinion materially....we have had her late in life an only one....
Materially she has quite a lot of lovely things.

So yes she may in some ways be spoilt materially however....She would never ever ask and never expects.... Is beautifully behaved and polite and has outstanding manners....and at under 4 already IMO has great values and considers herself a very lucky girl and often says so. I would hate people to think she was spoilt in the same ways as the child Op refers to.....