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AIBU?

...to be worried about my wife's desire for a third child?

121 replies

ThePerfectFather · 03/04/2014 12:01

My wife of 20 years (we're 38) wants a third, we currently have 2 DDs, 2.5 and 5, and I'm the SAHD who raises 'em while my wife earns the corn.

I am not a natural at this game but the kids are great and they're doing well at school and seem to be a happy pair. I am crap at doing most of the sort of support work like laundry and cleaning but I do all the cooking and shopping and all the rest of it so I think it's pretty balanced. I also do some work from home for my sort of business on the internet if you like, and that's currently really taking off and paying the sort of money you could reasonably call "a salary" rather than "peanuts". I really want to leave behind the abject horror of looking after young kids. I hated the first years so much, I know that's wrong but I enjoy the kids WAY more now. I have spoken to a lot of my mates and many of them feel the same way - babies are really hard work, but once they get to be little people they're just fantastic fun.

And now, into the mix, my wife has thrown a desire for a third child.

I recently took down all the child proofing stuff like stair gates etc, we ebayed or freecycled a bunch of other baby stuff, binned things like old sterilisers, bottles etc and gave all our baby clothes to our friends who've had babies of their own. We upgraded our car seats, I've started going through the NHS process for a vasectomy, even, so we were committed to the idea that this was it - no more children, 2 was plenty.

Then, out of nowhere, my wife announces that she's going off her birth control and that's that. She's been on the deepo injection for years and now, out of the blue, she's off it. I knew why, of course. She hoped she'd get pregnant and then of course I'd say "fine, looks like we're having a third". I'm not going to suddenly demand an abortion or anything horrific like that, and if we DID have a third, of course I'd adore the baby as much as my 2 DDs already.

She sort of turned into one of those 18 year old boys I'm sure all the women on here have had to fend off (or not) when they were younger who said things like "don't worry you can't get pregnant the first time" and so on. She started to say things like "it's ok I haven't had my period yet" and so I, being an idiot, had sex with her and she then phones me a few days later to say "I did a test and I'm not pregnant" and sounded kind of disappointed.

Hang on a sec - I thought you said we couldn't GET pregnant?! I felt like an idiot for even buying that one for a second, so now that's it - no sex until after the vasectomy, I told her. All she could say was "we'll see" because she knows I'm a weak fool when it comes to sex.

So far, no doctor's appointment has been forthcoming because, you know, it's the NHS and there's lines of blokes desperate to get their balls hacked off. I could call and tell them I want to crack on because I am dying for a shag but I doubt they'd care, the MONSTERS. So I'm just going to remain diligent and have so far (about a month now) avoided any kind of activity that might lead to anything. I'm basically keeping her at arms length. A firm handshake before she leaves for work, no more slapping her on her bum, etc. Civil, businesslike. She's getting the message that I'm not interested while she's fertile for kids.

Anyway - now I am worried about the lengths she'll go to. I've read that statistic about the number of men raising kids who aren't theirs, and she's a very attractive girl so I'm seriously worried that she's going to find some fella just like in that Heart song "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" about the woman who just wants to have sex with a guy to get knocked up because her husband won't or can't do it! And it's one of her favourite songs too! When I said some years ago that it's about a women cheating on two men she said "you don't understand" and I fancy that she thinks it's fair game.

She's often out after work for these "leaving drinks" for people I've never heard mentioned before, and has to go away for business sometimes too. What if she finds some bloke who looks a bit like me and gets him into the sack. What am I going to do, demand a paternity test the moment the baby is born? Go on the Maury Povich show?

I feel like this is the ultimate role reversal and, in some way, I deserve this as some penance for what my people (men) have wrought upon women these many generations past.

So what should I do? I love my wife and I fancy the pants off her so the idea of losing her because she wants a baby so badly she either stops loving me, or screws someone else and forces me to leave her (I wouldn't be able to live with it, despite everything, mainly because my Dad was a serial divorcer and left us high and dry long ago) is keeping me up at night.

She's quite a driven person and can be extremely cold and calculating at times (like a beautiful lizard) for example when she lost her virginity, she just decided she wanted to, found a guy she knew and fancied, marched up to him in the pub and said "can you come round tomorrow and pop my cherry", this was despite him having a girlfriend that she knew, and that was that. Job done. She's like a robot when she wants something.

So AIBU? What the hell should I do?

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BertieBotts · 03/04/2014 15:03

OP your situation is very common and perfectly believeable.

It's your writing style - it's hard to make out what's a joke and what's serious. And sensible suggestions (like talking to her) have taken ages to get answered, in the meantime you're cracking more jokes. Nothing wrong with jokes of course but on a serious advice thread it's difficult to give advice when it's hard to know what the information we're being given is - is it a real feeling/aspect of the situation, or is it hyperbole?

You say you've discussed this at length but I wonder really at what kind of breadth it has been discussed. It seems the practicals are there, the main thing is this disconnect between what you want and what she wants. You can't compromise on having a child, you either have one or don't - but you can talk about the reasons for wanting one and what you actually want out of it and through this you will gain a better understanding and may even be able to come to a decision.

Questions like, why does she want a child? What does she hope to get out of it? Does she just think it will be fun, is three children a particular goal for her? How would you (both) react if it was twins?

You've been over your motivations for not wanting another child on here already and they seem pretty sound. Is there anything that could help alleviate that - an au pair, cleaner, waiting a few years so you've had a longer break, etc? You rubbished the earlier idea about working more and using childcare because of costs, but you'd be no worse off than you are now so you are free to make the choice between what would be more fulfilling/interesting for you - SAHDing some more, work at home with a nanny or au pair on hand, or working outside of the home with the benefit of childcare. As long as it's not totally unaffordable, I don't think this is the kind of decision which should be made on financial merit, but rather a combination of what you want to do, what you (both) think is right/best for children, and what makes long term career sense.