...to be worried about my wife's desire for a third child?

[ThePerfectFather]

My wife of 20 years (we're 38) wants a third, we currently have 2 DDs, 2.5 and 5, and I'm the SAHD who raises 'em while my wife earns the corn.

I am not a natural at this game but the kids are great and they're doing well at school and seem to be a happy pair. I am crap at doing most of the sort of support work like laundry and cleaning but I do all the cooking and shopping and all the rest of it so I think it's pretty balanced. I also do some work from home for my sort of business on the internet if you like, and that's currently really taking off and paying the sort of money you could reasonably call "a salary" rather than "peanuts". I really want to leave behind the abject horror of looking after young kids. I hated the first years so much, I know that's wrong but I enjoy the kids WAY more now. I have spoken to a lot of my mates and many of them feel the same way - babies are really hard work, but once they get to be little people they're just fantastic fun.

And now, into the mix, my wife has thrown a desire for a third child.

I recently took down all the child proofing stuff like stair gates etc, we ebayed or freecycled a bunch of other baby stuff, binned things like old sterilisers, bottles etc and gave all our baby clothes to our friends who've had babies of their own. We upgraded our car seats, I've started going through the NHS process for a vasectomy, even, so we were committed to the idea that this was it - no more children, 2 was plenty.

Then, out of nowhere, my wife announces that she's going off her birth control and that's that. She's been on the deepo injection for years and now, out of the blue, she's off it. I knew why, of course. She hoped she'd get pregnant and then of course I'd say "fine, looks like we're having a third". I'm not going to suddenly demand an abortion or anything horrific like that, and if we DID have a third, of course I'd adore the baby as much as my 2 DDs already.

She sort of turned into one of those 18 year old boys I'm sure all the women on here have had to fend off (or not) when they were younger who said things like "don't worry you can't get pregnant the first time" and so on. She started to say things like "it's ok I haven't had my period yet" and so I, being an idiot, had sex with her and she then phones me a few days later to say "I did a test and I'm not pregnant" and sounded kind of disappointed.

Hang on a sec - I thought you said we couldn't GET pregnant?! I felt like an idiot for even buying that one for a second, so now that's it - no sex until after the vasectomy, I told her. All she could say was "we'll see" because she knows I'm a weak fool when it comes to sex.

So far, no doctor's appointment has been forthcoming because, you know, it's the NHS and there's lines of blokes desperate to get their balls hacked off. I could call and tell them I want to crack on because I am dying for a shag but I doubt they'd care, the MONSTERS. So I'm just going to remain diligent and have so far (about a month now) avoided any kind of activity that might lead to anything. I'm basically keeping her at arms length. A firm handshake before she leaves for work, no more slapping her on her bum, etc. Civil, businesslike. She's getting the message that I'm not interested while she's fertile for kids.

Anyway - now I am worried about the lengths she'll go to. I've read that statistic about the number of men raising kids who aren't theirs, and she's a very attractive girl so I'm seriously worried that she's going to find some fella just like in that Heart song "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" about the woman who just wants to have sex with a guy to get knocked up because her husband won't or can't do it! And it's one of her favourite songs too! When I said some years ago that it's about a women cheating on two men she said "you don't understand" and I fancy that she thinks it's fair game.

She's often out after work for these "leaving drinks" for people I've never heard mentioned before, and has to go away for business sometimes too. What if she finds some bloke who looks a bit like me and gets him into the sack. What am I going to do, demand a paternity test the moment the baby is born? Go on the Maury Povich show?

I feel like this is the ultimate role reversal and, in some way, I deserve this as some penance for what my people (men) have wrought upon women these many generations past.

So what should I do? I love my wife and I fancy the pants off her so the idea of losing her because she wants a baby so badly she either stops loving me, or screws someone else and forces me to leave her (I wouldn't be able to live with it, despite everything, mainly because my Dad was a serial divorcer and left us high and dry long ago) is keeping me up at night.

She's quite a driven person and can be extremely cold and calculating at times (like a beautiful lizard) for example when she lost her virginity, she just decided she wanted to, found a guy she knew and fancied, marched up to him in the pub and said "can you come round tomorrow and pop my cherry", this was despite him having a girlfriend that she knew, and that was that. Job done. She's like a robot when she wants something.

So AIBU? What the hell should I do?

[Beastofburden]

Loved your post.

(a) Its not compulsory for you to bring up child no 3 the same way as the first two. Why not tell her that if she wants to have a third, you want a nanny at least three days a week so you can focus on your business? That's not so weird. I went back to PT work when mine were 6,4,and 2. The 2 year old got a different experience from the 6 year old. Did not kill him. nb This is not an excuse to get a hot teenaged au-pair. Behave.

(b) three is not such a big deal. you are forgetting that the older ones will be older yet and can cope with 15 minutes out while you deal with the baby. No need to all rush home. Also, your third baby may be pretty chilled.

(c) If i really wanted a third baby and DH didn't... I think I would get over it after a bit. But your DW sounds a bit more, er, dominant. I think she will not be used to any kind of significant frustration. Only you can tell if you will resent being forced into this, eventually. I have known a marriage end because the father didn't want more kids and the wife got pregnant anyway- mind you, it was no 6. (And she is gorgeous and her dad loves her when they meet at access visits, but that's another story)

[rabbitlady]

Rabbitlady, one is at school, the other is taking a nap because she's been poorly. Also I type very quickly since I work with computers The handshake was a joke (I assumed it was obvious)

always bear in mind your reader might have asperger's.

still don't believe you. there's something not right about it.

[Beastofburden]

On the routine stuff, try to look on it like commuting or tax returns. You have to do it, to get the gummy smiles and little bodies falling asleep on your shoulder.

But I do sympathise with trying to keep a third DC quiet without the ability to stick it on the boob while busy with older ones. My 3rd lived in his sling attached to boob. About the only time I haven't breastfed is when driving the car or frying stuff.

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

OP I'm with you about the early stuff being a chore. I have DD4.5 and DS10m and although DS is lovely I do look forward hugely to the time when he can talk, feed himself and doesn't need to have naps. I've got no issue with your frustration about the daily grind of child care, and I too think having a baby on top of two other DC is madness - just not for me.

My comments about your views on who is raising your children stemmed mainly from the very first paragraph of the OP

"I'm the SAHD who raises 'em while my wife earns the corn"

which strongly implied that you see yourself as doing the raising. But if you didn't really mean that, fair enough and apology accepted.

[rainbowfeet]

Is your 'work from home' a journalist??!!

[anklebitersmum]

Love this thread!

I now have a mental image of your wife; a tall, statuesque, business-suited woman with fine features and big eyes on the side of her head and a wide mouth. You're more womble-like.

I do think that you need to have a chat with the missus, although the image of her stalking you for insemination purposes that you've brought to mind is most amusing.

[murphys]

If she agreed to the vasectomy then, she was not wanting another child at the time of the discussion. Maybe its the finality of the situation - if you have the vas then there is no option of more children. Maybe in her mind she always thought she would have x amount of children, and this is just finalizing the fact that x number of children wont happen.

In my personal experience, something like this did happen. We did agree to dh having the vas and we were both sure that we wanted no more. He had the vas and it then hit me that it was final that there would be no more. Yes I got a bit broody for while, but it passed after a while. I know now that it wasn't really what I wanted, it was just more a case of the decision was made for me iyswim. I think the thought passed quickly as I know that I really wouldn't cope well with having another child. I am self employed and work from home and there is just no way I carry on with life as it is now, if I had a baby to care for as well. But perhaps your wife doesn't understand this as you do, as she isn't the one at home all day caring, cleaning up and general day to day stuff. It has to be want you both want. All the best.

[rpitchfo]

Great OP

[ThePerfectFather]

No I am not even close to being a journalist. I am amazed that people are having trouble "buying" this post. What is there about it that's suspect? It seems a common enough problem to be bringing up, and AIBU seemed like a good place to get honest, brutally honest, opinions. If you want to be butchered anonymously, the internet is a fine choice of venue.

My wife actually is a tall, statuesque woman but luckily she doesn't have to wear a suit. Just those damned sexy work skirts and fancy "look-at-me" tights and...and....STAY STRONG, DAMN IT.

[MommyBird]

Love this.

Would you like a 3rd child if your DW was a stay at home mum?

I have 2 dds. 4 and 7 months.
I'm a SAHM and I would actually like another one at some point

However, my DH has made it clear that he doesn't want anymore as dd2 is the devil in baby form.

I'm ok with this. Your wife sounds abit more determined than me. Sit down and talk to her.

[MorrisZapp]

Great OP. You had me until the bit where you think she might shag somebody else.

Was that bit a joke?

[Burren]

Your basic point about a third child being a discussion for both parties, not a unilateral decision by one or other is of course not reasonable - did you honestly think you were going to be snowed under with women telling you to man up and get on with it because thwarted broodiness causes explosions, or something?

On an entirely separate note, the reason many people suspect you are not what you seem to be is because of your weirdly slick G2-byline 'Slack Dad' writing style. Most people who come on Mumsnet with a pressing issue don't, while baring their soul to the internet, also take the opportunity to play to the crowd with joky references to Heart lyrics, slapping their workwear-clad spouses on the arse as they leave for work, and the 'robotic' (lizardish?) nature of the way in which said spouse lost their virginity. (For what it's worth, I selected a total stranger to lose mine to in the same way, aged eighteen, and I promise you I'm not a lizard. I don't even think it's that unusual)

This could easily be a journalistic assignment: 'SAHD/Broody Spouse/Viperish Hordes of Mumsnet.' I'm just saying, and apparently I'm not the only one.

(If you are a journalist, you should work on the mixed metaphor - your wife can't both be a lizard and a robot.)

If you're for real, delay the vasectomy plans, and use a condom.

[ThePerfectFather]

Bifauxen, I think your sense of humour and your ability to take things out of context are inversely proportional.

Deep down I don't think she would ever do anything like have sex with a man in order to get pregnant out of some insane desire to have another baby.

But admit it - it's on the menu. Like irish coffee in an Indian restaurant, nobody orders it but it persists.

[MissKittyFantastico]

On the offchance this isn't a troll.

NC for privacy, but some of you will recognise me. Please don't out me.

DH is a SAHD and I work full time.

We have an only child. I didn't want an only child, I wanted at least two. When DD was about 1 year old I broached the subject with DH and he told me he didn't want any more. For about a year we argued about it, then I dropped it. It was like a kick in the teeth.

I hated him for a long time - but not just about the baby, also because despite the fact he was a SAHD I was also doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning on top of a full days work.

He was always "too busy" to clean, or he "didn't see" the dirt or he "didn't know where to put the washing" or "Didn't remember to separate his new jeans from DDs white underwear". He didn't get up to our non-sleeping child because he "didn't hear her". It's pathetic, it's sexist, it's uncaring, it's disrespectful and it infantalises anyone that tries to excuse themselves in this way.

I put up with it (and more) because I needed him. My job means that regular childcare isn't really an option, so I needed a second parent to provide stability. I got on with it whilst I resented him, feeling my fertility drop and knowing I'd never have another child with him.

It took until DD was about 5 for me to stop wanting another child - and only then because I didn't want a large age gap between children. The desire never left me, but practical reasons took over.

DD is now 8. In 6 months time I don't "need" DH any more. Funnily enough in the last year or so he has upped his game. He does more around the house, cooks decent meals, give me 'time off' and is more like the man I wished he was 7 years ago.

I love him, but not how I did and I don't think I'll ever fully forgive him. I doubt we will split up, but I know it wouldn't really bother me that much if we did. I feel fond of him, but the all encompassing love that we had at the start is gone - and it won't come back. I pity him for being so pathetic all those years, oh and I don't want to have sex with him because it feels like just another chore (plus I feel more like his mother than his lover).

Be careful OP.

[Burren]

There you go again, OP. Another showy, slightly wonky metaphor.

[MorrisZapp]

Lol, you're funny. I think I'll enjoy your book, let us know when it's out :)

[Bifauxnen]

You are right. I have a great sense of humour but hardly any ability to take things out of context.
No-one knows what you think "deep down" we can only go by the bollocks written up there^

[sarahquilt]

From the anecdote about losing her virginity she sounds pretty horrible. To each his own!

[WilsonFrickett]

I think you're funny.

I wonder though if you've sat down and properly talked about this with your DW. And actually listened to her pov, too. It can be really, really hard to be waving your fertile years away and coming to terms with the fact your family is complete.

You two need to talk. And you need to use a condom. And that's not a metaphor.

[ThePerfectFather]

Burren, you're extremely suspicious. It's weird. I think you probably scowl at people from behind dark sunglasses a lot and mutter about agendas.

To answer other points: I've spoken with my wife at length about this, but it's not like it's resolved. It's not as if you can go from "I want a third child" to "ok, I don't want a third child" after a few talks, is it? She's not (despite my implying she was reptilian) a snake and I am no snake charmer.

She does want one, I don't, and I want to know people's experiences from that point onwards. Some of the more helpful responses have actually worried me a little less - that the burning need can subside in time. That this isn't some kind of barrier that our marriage can't get around.

But part of me doesn't know if she's just putting on a brave face while her desperate hopes for a third child evaporate. She's hard to read, and like I said she's also very capable of being extremely driven about something if she wants it (probably why she has a good job and I never have). I don't want to make her deeply unhappy just because it might be hard work for me.

She's got two already - surely a third is just a bit...greedy? Is it different from that?

[Beastofburden]

I don't want to make her deeply unhappy just because it might be hard work for me.

So... why not get a nanny and make it less hard work?

[BurntPancake]

I want a third child, DH doesn't. We aren't having a third child. I bring it up from time to time, I have a little cry to myself when the answer is no then I push it to the back of my mind and tell myself I don't want a third either.
I'm a SAHM and would manage a third child fine I think but it's not going to happen and I need to accept that and move on.
You can't force a child on someone. I'm very grateful for the two wonderful children I do have.

[Dinosaursareextinct]

I had a friend who developed a strong broody need for a 3rd child. She was talked out of it on grounds of practicality (that she should put the existing children first). She got a dog instead, and that helped quell the broody feeling. She now looks back on it as a fit of madness.