Aarrgghh Bloody Kids <<fumes>>

[LtEveDallas]

DD (8) has a friend over today.

So far they have smashed the glass shelf in the bathroom, shouted "fart" and "poo" out the window at the next door neighbour and pulled the towel rail off the wall in the downstairs loo.

But the crowning glory was the decision to jump off the garden table onto the giant outdoor beanbag, splitting it and making me have to spend the last hour chasing round the garden trying to get as many polystyrene balls as possible.

I'm furious. DD has NEVER been like this. I am SO pissed off with her.

Two hours till the friend goes home and I can't even have a beer.

AARRGGHHH

[SapphireMoon]

I have cancelled sleepover due to chaos after friend coming round.
Affected another child too. Told 'innocent' child's mother that until my ds proves he can behave sensibly when friends round, sleep overs not happening. Was accepted as sensible decision.
Ds was cross but told to button it as other birthday treats may disappear.
He sucked it up and had great birthday going out to cinema and meal [sound familiar op?!] and will hold off from sleepovers for as long as possible for my sanity!

[LtEveDallas]

Right Ok, I have now spoken to yesterday's mum and Friend2's mum.

Didn't go great with yesterday's mum. She said she will punish yesterday friend, but that I am overreacting to accidents. Apparently the beanbag must be faulty to break that easy, but she will punish for that. The insults were 'just kids being kids' and I am uptight (fair enough, I probably am). The water was DD (but dd says it was friend so...)

I have tactfully said that I was knocking the sleepover on the head because the girls are 'obviously better school friends than home friends' and I didn't think they were a good combination when together.

When I mentioned the cinema she said she would take her DD herself, so that way the girls can still be together. I said I would welcome that.

Friend2 will still be having cinema and sleepover. After talking to her mum I didn't have the heart to cancel and whilst a fussy eater (cue next weeks thread about me worrying she will starve!) she is a lovely girl.

DDs punishment was going to bed 2 hours early yesterday, the cancellation of something we were doing together today and, importantly, the loss of the main present she has asked for, for her birthday.

She is really upset, proper tears rather than tantrum tears, but understands and accepts it. Whereas I feel like a Grade A bitch.

[Finola1step]

You've done the right thing.

No surprise really that yesterday's mum has responded in the way she has. Minimising her dd's behaviour, blaming faulty bean bag etc. No wonder the child struggles with boundaries. hoiks bosom

If it was my child damaging other people's belongings, I would be mortified. I would be insisting on paying for a replacement (with a contribution from dc's pocket money). And as for the general cheek and rudeness!

[LtEveDallas]

If I am to be charitable, which I do generally try to be, she has a point in that the damages were as a result of stupidity rather than intent, but she won't accept that either dd could be responsible for the other stuff (and I found something else, minor, this morning that DD says was the other one) whereas I can. She is adamant that they weren't her DD, because her DD says they weren't. But there is nothing I can do about that.

I don't want to ban DD from being friends with her or anything, nor do I want to stop what will hopefully be a friendship between yesterday's child and Friend2 (because we leave the area this year). I do find it frustrating though.

[survivingthechildren]

Sounds fair Dallas. Although the incidents were a result of silly, high strung behaviour, rather that deliberate intent to smash shit up, at 9 years old you would know that such behaviour is not on.

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about how other people handle their children even though if it had been my child who acted like that at your house, I would have dropped like a tonne of bricks. (Mortifyingly, I have had to deal with a few incidents were my DC have acted up at a friend's place...) I think chalk this up as a tough lesson - no more invites home for that girl.

And although I doubt your DD will be trying such behaviour anytime soon, she should earn the privilege of friends visiting back. I also do a 30 second drive by of the rules for my younger ones beofre friends come over, just to be sure!

[Logg1e]

I find it strange that you let this continue past the second incident. Why didn't they clear up the garden? Why didn't the arrangement finish early? Why no consequences?

[newsecretidentity]

New friend's mum thinks you're over-reacting to the girls shouting rude words at the neighbor? I'm inclined to disagree.

Personally, if I caught my DD doing that, she'd either be writing an apology card or better yet, hauled over to the neighbor's doorstep to apologize in person.

Likewise, if a child dared my DD to come and tell me she hated me, that would be the kid's last visit to my house. Maybe her mum feels that it's kids being kids, but I don't know any children who are allowed to behave like that.

[gobbin]

OP you are waaaay too patient. I would've been spitting bricks after incident 2 and a serious bollocking to both would've been had.

Put it this way, my son's playmate across the road had similar lax boundaries at home but knew mine (as a single example- she took food from my fridge/cupboard with DS standing watching which was accompanied by a stiff word and was never repeated). When they lost a ball in the front tree and she threw a stone to dislodge it, the stone fell on my car and shattered the back window. She knew the pair of them were in for a complete bollocking and ran home. My house, my rules. Don't care whose child it is, they all get the same!

[LtEveDallas]

Loggle, please RTFT, I have answered that a couple of times.

Newsecret, I did make DD apologise to neighbour, he was fine about it, but I was embarassed.

Gobbin, I didn't feel I could do that with this kid. If it was Friend2, no problem but yesterday's friend is new and I didn't know her or her mother.

Well DD has been v quiet today, done her homework and lots of reading. She's under no illusion about how naughty I think she was.

[youarewinning]

That seems like a fair outcome Dallas.

I commented ^^upthread about a friend and her DD and similar. These children have real socialisation issues because no one ever holds them accountable. She is also one who believes her child because her child says so - and therefore is never in the wrong because she always denies fault!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I hope your Dd enjoys her birthday treat - something tells me she'll behave like an angel

[Logg1e]

I have RTFT and the only explanation you've given about the fucking beanbag balls is that you picked them up because you were worried about The Environment. This does not explain why the girls didn't spend time picking them up. Perhaps they had to crack on with throwing water?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh poor you sounds ghastly. Glad you've come to a decision about the sleepover

[LtEveDallas]

Loggle, you said

Add message | Report | Message poster Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 13:16:34
I find it strange that you let this continue past the second incident
I believed at the time that the first incident (the shelf) was an accident, and after talking to DD I am happy that it was. The second incident was the shouting at the neighbour, taken to task at the time and I wouldn't have sent her home just for that.

Why didn't they clear up the garden? They did try to help, but the balls were blowing all over the garden (extremely windy day and a couple of million polystyrene balls) and two giggling dizzy girls were no help at all - I sent them inside because I was angry, worried and too busy trying to get as many as possible. They are still there today, it's ridiculous.

Why didn't the arrangement finish early? Because I knew mum wasn't at home and I knew she wouldn't/couldn't drive. I didn't know where she was going to be, only that she'd be at home after the footie.

Why no consequences? Early bedtime, loss of friend at sleepover, loss of activity today and loss of special toy on birthday.

There really isn't the need for the sarcasm. The water was the final straw, yes.

[Logg1e]

Well, if everything was fine and little hiccups dealt with immediately then you all had a fabulous day.

[LtEveDallas]

No it was a terrible day Loggle, and pretty bad today too. DD is upset and disappointed and I feel like a major shit. Roll on tomorrow eh?

[Suefla62]

LtEveDallas (great name, love the books too) give yourself a pat on the back. You did a great job. Yes you feel like shit but that's part of the job of being a parent. In a couple of days you'll feel better but your DC will have learned a valuable lesson.

[CrabbySpringyBottom]

Eve don't let Loggle wind you up, she's being arsey.

I think you've given her some pretty full on consequences, especially the loss of the present (which is fine, btw - that will totally have got it across to her that their behaviour was waaaaaaay out of line).

What's the present (apologies if you said this already, did scroll back but could see mention of what it is)?

If you're feeling really bad about the b'day present, could you get it for her anyway and then make it really clear on the day that as a one-off, you decided to make the thinking that she isn't going to get it the punishment (because she accepted the punishment without argument), but that if it ever happens again, she really won't get it. For some kids that would send a 'oh well she won't go through with the punishment so I can get away with it' message, but for other kids, not so - you know your own DD.

[Supercosy]

Well done Eve I think you've handled it really well. Well done especially for telling the mum about the behaviour from yesterday, that's a difficult thing to do but for god's sake if anyone told me Dd had had ANY part in behaviour like that I would be really shocked and angry with her. I'm sorry but if she thinks you're over reacting then she has very low standards of behaviour for her Dcs.

I know it's hard not to feel upset about your Dd but the fact that she is upset about it means that the consequence will probably be very effective. It's not unkind, she behaved very badly and rudely and needs to accept this. I'm also very glad you don't have to have other girl over for a sleepover...that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[Logg1e]

I'm not being arsey, I'm being confused. I wasn't the only one wondering why the children continued to have the opportunity to be badly behaved. Surely you'd get them to play in the same room as you, so you could supervise them to prevent them shouting out of windows at the neighbours, standing on tables, playing with water, hanging off rails etc?

[Logg1e]

That's also what we meant by, "where were the consequences?". Consequences to prevent further upsetting behaviour, not a punishment to spoil a birthday in one week's time.

[newsecretidentity]

I know it feels shitty now, but in the end you'll be rewarded with a child who is welcome in other people's homes because she knows how to behave.

[Misspixietrix]

YNBU. I think you're rather restrained actually. I would be taking said friend to the pub where Mother is sat watching the footie.

[LtEveDallas]

Crabby, it's a guitar. Truth be told I'm rather relieved! Bad mum . No I won't get her one anyway, the beanbag was £50, the guitar was going to be £40. I think it's fair exchange (she has got other gifts btw, I'm not that awful, but she always has one 'main' present that she specifically wants, just not this year now). She has been told and understands exactly why. Lesson learned, I feel harsh but know it's right.

Loggle, the play date was for 7 hours, I couldn't have coped being in the same room as two giggling pre-teens for even half of that . They were playing in either DDs room, the playroom or the garden, oh and the bathroom first thing (when the shelf was broken). I did think your post was arsy too, so I'm happy to stand corrected

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Ah OP, sounds like you have dealt with it well, especially with informing other mom, and uninviting her child from sleepover. The right thing to do, but oh so hard to do.

I think her response is very telling, probably not many consequences given out in their house. If that was my DD, I'd be mortified and wouldn't be able to apologise enough.

I have 9-11 year old girls on play dates for hours (sometimes days) on end. I let them do their own thing, mostly just see them when they are hungry. You should not need to closely supervise them at that age.

Chalk it down to experience. It will be a learning experience for your Dd too.

And don't feel like a bitch. You did what you need to do, you didn't go overboard - your DD is still getting a sleepover.

[Bigpants1]

LtEve, sounds like the play date from hell!
But, even though both girls behaved really badly, they are nine, & as you said, were being silly & egging each other on.
I absolutely agree there should be consequences, & your dd has had several. But the loss of her main birthday present? She went to bed early, lost out on activity today, & doesn't get the sleep-over. Fair enough. If you want her to pay for the bean bag, could she not give you some from her pocket money each week? It was your dd & her friend that broke it, but your dd is having to take full responsibility.
It is mean to take away her main present-it's her birthday, & a year is a long time to wait for another one. Even if you are relieved,(could have been worse-could have been a drum kit!), if she has lessons, she may learn to play really well.