Aarrgghh Bloody Kids <<fumes>>

[LtEveDallas]

DD (8) has a friend over today.

So far they have smashed the glass shelf in the bathroom, shouted "fart" and "poo" out the window at the next door neighbour and pulled the towel rail off the wall in the downstairs loo.

But the crowning glory was the decision to jump off the garden table onto the giant outdoor beanbag, splitting it and making me have to spend the last hour chasing round the garden trying to get as many polystyrene balls as possible.

I'm furious. DD has NEVER been like this. I am SO pissed off with her.

Two hours till the friend goes home and I can't even have a beer.

AARRGGHHH

If you've said no to a sleepover then you need to stick to your word. And I would reduce the gifts to pay for the damage. At 9 she needs to understand consequences - you're doing her no favours if not.

I agree that it should be no to the sleepover as you threatened it.

Pictures & food for the 3(?) sounds more than enough imo.

When we had sleepovers for bdays it was always dvds & food at home.
(in pjs which they thought was fantastic!)

It is sad for the other girl who wasn't involved yesterday, but she'll still be going to the pics & eating out!

I don't understand where you were while all this was happening or why you haven't told the other mum straight away. You sound very indecisive and this is dragging on. There is no way this other child should be involved in the treat next week. Don't stop the treat. There are other ways to get the message to your daughter that the behaviour was unacceptable.

So...this wild child is going to be allowed back to your home, with the reward of a film and dinner AND with another child to bend to her will??

Yeah....good luck with that!

Your dd KNOWS their behaviour yesterday was appalling, she should have know better....yes, even at nine she should and does know better.

I'd certainly cancel the sleepover, and probably the party.

A broken shelf, a broken towel rail and wall damage, hooliganism in the garden, abuse out of the windows and water down the stair, and that ws two of them

...give them a box of matches next week see how well that works out.

Sorry I've lost track of whether you've said no to the treat or not. But the main thing is to communicate with your child.

There is no way on God's earth the child from yesterday would be staying overnight in my house. Absolutely no way.

Your DD is old enough to talk through what happened yesterday and why. What consequences does SHE think should come out of it? (Put some onus on her to consider what the consequences should be, as clearly there should be something). Taking ownership of the behaviour in this way can work with some children.

If she denies it or tries to push all the blame onto her friend then you have to make the 'consequences' decision for her, which in my house would be cinema and no sleepover - a compromise between not ruining the birthday, not having wild child over, yet making a stand.

I wouldn't cancel sleepover, i'm not so solid on the "never go back" on threats as I think kids of an age can know when they have pushed you into a kneejefk reaction.

Instead sit her down, say sleepover can go ahead but:

A - Cost of beanbag is coming out of her pocket money at £x per month

B - one tiny show of the behaviour from her OR friend and she will be going straight home

C - how disappointed you were, not to let you down again

Then I would make it really clear to both the mother and the other child when they drop off for the party that is what will be happening so if she goes out and gets pissed then she's still getting her kid back if she acts up (perhaps a little more diplomatically than that!

After that behaviour there is no way whatsoever I would have that child over for a sleepover. If the pair of them managed all that in daylight whilst you were awake, wtf do you think they're going to get up to at night!

I would either...
Uninvite the child from the birthday sleepover and explain to the mother why. If she takes offence and the child doesn't hang out with your DD so much any more, then from what you've said that would be a fine outcome.

Or if you're concerned about annoying/offending the other mother/child, then do something different for the birthday treat which doesn't involve the child coming to yours.

If you don't cancel the sleepover then there needs to be a big consequence for your DD, imo.

I would definitely be knocking next week's sleepover on the head. Your DD is old enough to know that actions have consequences and I think if you're strict this time it could make her think twice before acting up in the future. Sounds harsh but that's what you get for behaving so thoughtlessly.

"So...this wild child is going to be allowed back to your home, with the reward of a film and dinner AND with another child to bend to her will??"

Well you could say the same about OPs daughter really, maybe minus the last part.

Perhaps the party should be completely cancelled?

What was the explanation for shouting out the window and water down the stairs?

I'll be honest, though.

I hate that the children are seen as the "bad" ones whilst their Carers, the Mum (who seems nice but you don't know, yet she will let her DD spend the day in a persons house who she hardly knows, whilst she gets half cut) and the poor put upon Nan, in another case, who obviously isn't getting her GD, who is the real victim of her parents drug use and pudding off, the support that she needs.

The parents/Carers should always be told and be made to take action.

Likewise you have to teach your own children to set their own boundaries and stand up to the influence if others, this may involve punishment, or rather a lesson in cause and effect.

I wouldn't let one day of bad behaviour cancel out what I'm presuming has been a good year, so I woudn't cancel the sleepover. She's just a child and it's her birthday. But I would explain that if anything like that happens again, her friends will be sent straight home and their mothers know this.

"Pissing off" that should of been and actions/consequences.

diddl....I would cancel the party!

And I'd get dd to explain why to the other child.

I would cancel the sleepover. That behaviour was appalling from both girls. Can you imagine how horrible it would be to have her overnight. I'd do the other birthday but just say you showed you and your friend couldn't be trusted so you have to earn that trust back. There have to be consequences.

"I wouldn't let one day of bad behaviour cancel out what I'm presuming has been a good year, "

That's a good point.

But I certainly wouldn't want the other girl staying over.

Sounds as if her & OPs daughter can't be trusted together.

And if the other invited girl is as easily led as OPs daughter...

Sorry I mean the other birthday treats.

If you've said sleepover cancelled then you have to follow through. Simple explanation that so much was broken during daytime and your not risking it happening at night when they are even more hyper and tired and you may be asleep.

Yes, the other child misses out but it's another reason your DD is unlikely to be so thoughtless - she won't want to have explain that sort of behaviour to friends again!

Once your DD has paid off the damage then she can have a sleepover. Sort of something positive to work towards at the end of this mess. Be that in a month or a few months.

I get that children don't becessairly think through their actions before they act - but at 9yo they are able to realise what 'may' happen and how to treat things carefully.

FWiW my best friends DD is a nightmare and used to jump on all sorts, treat all sorts badly. I used to put this stuff in my room when they visited and have the minimal out. One day the Dd asked me where X Y and Z were. I told her they were put away because she didn't listen when asked to treat them nicely. My friend was NOT impressed as her DD was just playing and didn't understand they could get broken . My simple reply was "she does because I've told her, she just chooses not to listen and if she doesn't understand then you can understand why I won't have stuff she can break out!"

Woah, ok, either people aren't RTFT or projecting wildly here. I don't need the sarcasm - I'm not an AIBU wallflower likely to crumble under the strength of your wit, seriously

Broken shelf was at the start of the day and I believe it was an accident. I am not punishing for that.

Shouting was middayish and was dealt with at the time.

Beanbag was around 2pm. Took about an hour to clear as much as I could. That is actually my biggest concern because I am worried about the wildlife from the balls I just couldn't/can't get. We have free range rabbits and my biggest fear was it getting into their pen.

The towel rail came off the wall in the afternoon and the water was poured about an hour and a half before play date was due to end.

I was in the house and around all day. DD and friend were either in bedroom, bathroom, playroom or garden. No, I wasn't supervising every minute - at their age I shouldn't have to and never have had to previously.

I couldn't get mum to pickup earlier, she was out. I didn't tell her straight away as she was drunk, not reeling, but not sober. I am going to phone her at about 11 - I know that her DD goes to Sunday School at 10, I don't know if mum is a churchgoer or just takes her there.

I am worried about cancelling sleepier completely as 2nd friend (not here yesterday) was also looking forward to it and is already feeling left out by DD. I know her mum very well and DD likes her a lot - yesterdays friend is new and yesterday was a 'practice' solely because I didn't know her.

I am DEFINATELY not having yesterday's friend here again for sleepover and DD knows that. But I may not cancel completely. I need to speak to yesterday's mum. Yesterday's friend is new to the school and area, I have no idea what they are like. I only met mum for the first time on Fri (I don't do school run) and only knew yesterday's friend from DD talking about her.

Hope that clears some things up.

I think you should still have the cinema/ meal out.
I think cancelling sleepover for all children shows consequences to your daughter. She will learn because she will be disappointed. However, still gets birthday celebration.
Your call though op....

I would cancel the cinema rather than the sleepover and the other child not invited.

But it is children in the house where dd needs to learn to be responsible....

As long as new friend is not invited that shows consequences to her as well as your dd having a scaled back party. In your shoes I wouldn't worry about other child missing out, I'd just make sure there is a firm punishment for this behaviour. Nip it in the bud now, you wouldn't want dd going over to someone's house and behaving like this would you ?

I'm floundering back and forth in my decisions here! I keep changing my mind - no wonder the OP is struggling.

Two things spring to mind - if OP cancels sleepover for new friend it sends the message to OPs DD that new friend is more at fault iyswim? However if OPs DD is paying for damage and new friend isn't I guess carrying on with sleepover means each child gets a punishment - just different ones.

FWIW when DS has previously been involved in bad behaviour at others houses it's not been him instigating it. He's as much at fault for joining in but I guess if the hosts DC doesn't set a precedent even though he may feel a behaviour is wrong he won't necessarily realise how wrong. I've also known hosts DC try and get DS to do things and him refuse and therefore they haven't done it iyswim?

I hate all this " it must be visiting child's fault because my DC hasn't done it on previous playdates" children rarely carry out such behaviour alone.