Aarrgghh Bloody Kids <<fumes>>

[LtEveDallas]

DD (8) has a friend over today.

So far they have smashed the glass shelf in the bathroom, shouted "fart" and "poo" out the window at the next door neighbour and pulled the towel rail off the wall in the downstairs loo.

But the crowning glory was the decision to jump off the garden table onto the giant outdoor beanbag, splitting it and making me have to spend the last hour chasing round the garden trying to get as many polystyrene balls as possible.

I'm furious. DD has NEVER been like this. I am SO pissed off with her.

Two hours till the friend goes home and I can't even have a beer.

AARRGGHHH

[LtEveDallas]

Thanks, well we did get some more balls yesterday but oh my God they are everywhere. We've kept them out of the rabbit pen so far but wherever you look you see a few. It's like confetti at a wedding, you think it's all gone then find it in your bra!

She seems ok this morning, her class has non-uniform today so she's happy about that. The guitar thing will prob come up again on Wed when she has her music lesson (cornet) but maybe we will revisit when we've moved. For now though she will go without.

Hopefully she will be ok at school. It's a hard year group, only 5 girls so could be hard if yesterday friend holds a grudge. DH will hav to cope with mum though if there is an issue. Good!

[MidniteScribbler]

OP I hate to tell you, but I had one of those bean bag things break in the pool once. We were finding beans for five years afterwards!! They will never go away completely, even when you think you have got them all!

[Thumbwitch]

I think your resolution to this situation is fine, Lt. Eve. You've given your DD the big consequence, losing her main present, which will stick with her far longer than losing her sleepover, and doesn't affect the other friend, who was clearly looking forward to the event.

It's a shame you said that she could think again about whether her sleepover was happening, but you've downscaled it and commuted it to losing her present, so it's not like she feels she's "got away with it".

I think as well though that you should now have her out in the garden trying to find and pick up as many of the remaining polystyrene balls, because they could still have an impact, and it is her fault they're out there. Just to really ram the message home - I'm a strong believer in consequences relating to the initial "offence" and think that it would really make her realise what an utter arse she was yesterday, and her friend too.

I would also say, just watch out with New Friend's mum, that she doesn't bring her DD to the cinema and then just peg off, leaving New Friend with you and the other 2.

[Bigpants1]

Sorry- just realised your dd is still getting sleep-over with one friend. Are there other consequences that you could use, without loss of main birthday present?

[Bigpants1]

LtEve, sounds like the play date from hell!
But, even though both girls behaved really badly, they are nine, & as you said, were being silly & egging each other on.
I absolutely agree there should be consequences, & your dd has had several. But the loss of her main birthday present? She went to bed early, lost out on activity today, & doesn't get the sleep-over. Fair enough. If you want her to pay for the bean bag, could she not give you some from her pocket money each week? It was your dd & her friend that broke it, but your dd is having to take full responsibility.
It is mean to take away her main present-it's her birthday, & a year is a long time to wait for another one. Even if you are relieved,(could have been worse-could have been a drum kit!), if she has lessons, she may learn to play really well.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Ah OP, sounds like you have dealt with it well, especially with informing other mom, and uninviting her child from sleepover. The right thing to do, but oh so hard to do.

I think her response is very telling, probably not many consequences given out in their house. If that was my DD, I'd be mortified and wouldn't be able to apologise enough.

I have 9-11 year old girls on play dates for hours (sometimes days) on end. I let them do their own thing, mostly just see them when they are hungry. You should not need to closely supervise them at that age.

Chalk it down to experience. It will be a learning experience for your Dd too.

And don't feel like a bitch. You did what you need to do, you didn't go overboard - your DD is still getting a sleepover.

[LtEveDallas]

Crabby, it's a guitar. Truth be told I'm rather relieved! Bad mum . No I won't get her one anyway, the beanbag was £50, the guitar was going to be £40. I think it's fair exchange (she has got other gifts btw, I'm not that awful, but she always has one 'main' present that she specifically wants, just not this year now). She has been told and understands exactly why. Lesson learned, I feel harsh but know it's right.

Loggle, the play date was for 7 hours, I couldn't have coped being in the same room as two giggling pre-teens for even half of that . They were playing in either DDs room, the playroom or the garden, oh and the bathroom first thing (when the shelf was broken). I did think your post was arsy too, so I'm happy to stand corrected

[Misspixietrix]

YNBU. I think you're rather restrained actually. I would be taking said friend to the pub where Mother is sat watching the footie.

[newsecretidentity]

I know it feels shitty now, but in the end you'll be rewarded with a child who is welcome in other people's homes because she knows how to behave.

[Logg1e]

That's also what we meant by, "where were the consequences?". Consequences to prevent further upsetting behaviour, not a punishment to spoil a birthday in one week's time.

[Logg1e]

I'm not being arsey, I'm being confused. I wasn't the only one wondering why the children continued to have the opportunity to be badly behaved. Surely you'd get them to play in the same room as you, so you could supervise them to prevent them shouting out of windows at the neighbours, standing on tables, playing with water, hanging off rails etc?

[Supercosy]

Well done Eve I think you've handled it really well. Well done especially for telling the mum about the behaviour from yesterday, that's a difficult thing to do but for god's sake if anyone told me Dd had had ANY part in behaviour like that I would be really shocked and angry with her. I'm sorry but if she thinks you're over reacting then she has very low standards of behaviour for her Dcs.

I know it's hard not to feel upset about your Dd but the fact that she is upset about it means that the consequence will probably be very effective. It's not unkind, she behaved very badly and rudely and needs to accept this. I'm also very glad you don't have to have other girl over for a sleepover...that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[CrabbySpringyBottom]

Eve don't let Loggle wind you up, she's being arsey.

I think you've given her some pretty full on consequences, especially the loss of the present (which is fine, btw - that will totally have got it across to her that their behaviour was waaaaaaay out of line).

What's the present (apologies if you said this already, did scroll back but could see mention of what it is)?

If you're feeling really bad about the b'day present, could you get it for her anyway and then make it really clear on the day that as a one-off, you decided to make the thinking that she isn't going to get it the punishment (because she accepted the punishment without argument), but that if it ever happens again, she really won't get it. For some kids that would send a 'oh well she won't go through with the punishment so I can get away with it' message, but for other kids, not so - you know your own DD.

[Suefla62]

LtEveDallas (great name, love the books too) give yourself a pat on the back. You did a great job. Yes you feel like shit but that's part of the job of being a parent. In a couple of days you'll feel better but your DC will have learned a valuable lesson.

[LtEveDallas]

No it was a terrible day Loggle, and pretty bad today too. DD is upset and disappointed and I feel like a major shit. Roll on tomorrow eh?

[Logg1e]

Well, if everything was fine and little hiccups dealt with immediately then you all had a fabulous day.

[LtEveDallas]

Loggle, you said

Add message | Report | Message poster Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 13:16:34
I find it strange that you let this continue past the second incident
I believed at the time that the first incident (the shelf) was an accident, and after talking to DD I am happy that it was. The second incident was the shouting at the neighbour, taken to task at the time and I wouldn't have sent her home just for that.

Why didn't they clear up the garden? They did try to help, but the balls were blowing all over the garden (extremely windy day and a couple of million polystyrene balls) and two giggling dizzy girls were no help at all - I sent them inside because I was angry, worried and too busy trying to get as many as possible. They are still there today, it's ridiculous.

Why didn't the arrangement finish early? Because I knew mum wasn't at home and I knew she wouldn't/couldn't drive. I didn't know where she was going to be, only that she'd be at home after the footie.

Why no consequences? Early bedtime, loss of friend at sleepover, loss of activity today and loss of special toy on birthday.

There really isn't the need for the sarcasm. The water was the final straw, yes.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh poor you sounds ghastly. Glad you've come to a decision about the sleepover

[Logg1e]

I have RTFT and the only explanation you've given about the fucking beanbag balls is that you picked them up because you were worried about The Environment. This does not explain why the girls didn't spend time picking them up. Perhaps they had to crack on with throwing water?

[youarewinning]

That seems like a fair outcome Dallas.

I commented ^^upthread about a friend and her DD and similar. These children have real socialisation issues because no one ever holds them accountable. She is also one who believes her child because her child says so - and therefore is never in the wrong because she always denies fault!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I hope your Dd enjoys her birthday treat - something tells me she'll behave like an angel

[LtEveDallas]

Loggle, please RTFT, I have answered that a couple of times.

Newsecret, I did make DD apologise to neighbour, he was fine about it, but I was embarassed.

Gobbin, I didn't feel I could do that with this kid. If it was Friend2, no problem but yesterday's friend is new and I didn't know her or her mother.

Well DD has been v quiet today, done her homework and lots of reading. She's under no illusion about how naughty I think she was.

[gobbin]

OP you are waaaay too patient. I would've been spitting bricks after incident 2 and a serious bollocking to both would've been had.

Put it this way, my son's playmate across the road had similar lax boundaries at home but knew mine (as a single example- she took food from my fridge/cupboard with DS standing watching which was accompanied by a stiff word and was never repeated). When they lost a ball in the front tree and she threw a stone to dislodge it, the stone fell on my car and shattered the back window. She knew the pair of them were in for a complete bollocking and ran home. My house, my rules. Don't care whose child it is, they all get the same!

[newsecretidentity]

New friend's mum thinks you're over-reacting to the girls shouting rude words at the neighbor? I'm inclined to disagree.

Personally, if I caught my DD doing that, she'd either be writing an apology card or better yet, hauled over to the neighbor's doorstep to apologize in person.

Likewise, if a child dared my DD to come and tell me she hated me, that would be the kid's last visit to my house. Maybe her mum feels that it's kids being kids, but I don't know any children who are allowed to behave like that.

[Logg1e]

I find it strange that you let this continue past the second incident. Why didn't they clear up the garden? Why didn't the arrangement finish early? Why no consequences?

[survivingthechildren]

Sounds fair Dallas. Although the incidents were a result of silly, high strung behaviour, rather that deliberate intent to smash shit up, at 9 years old you would know that such behaviour is not on.

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about how other people handle their children even though if it had been my child who acted like that at your house, I would have dropped like a tonne of bricks. (Mortifyingly, I have had to deal with a few incidents were my DC have acted up at a friend's place...) I think chalk this up as a tough lesson - no more invites home for that girl.

And although I doubt your DD will be trying such behaviour anytime soon, she should earn the privilege of friends visiting back. I also do a 30 second drive by of the rules for my younger ones beofre friends come over, just to be sure!