To hate all 'Parenting Strategies'

[christmasmum]

I probably ABU but I absolutely loathe parenting strategy books. Friends recommend them, I foolishly think 'maybe this one will be different' and give it a go.

They all seem to make you want to talk to your child like you're a robot. Does any parent actually say things like this example quote...

You (cheery): It's bath time!
Child: I don’t want a bath. I hate baths. Go away!
You (breathe): It sounds like you’re really mad. You look really frustrated. What’s bothering you most? Can you help me understand?
Child: It’s not fair. You’re always bossing me.
You: So if I’m hearing you right, you’d like to make more decisions for yourself. You feel like you’re ready for more responsibility. Is that right?
Child: Yes!
You: Well, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea you were feeling babied. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.

If I spoke to my DD/DS like this they'd look at me like I had two heads and STILL wouldn't get in the bath.

I get the techniques, fine. Listen, reflect, don't lose your temper and thrown them in the bath headfirst. But is it realistic? Does anyone actually manage to sound like this with their kids after a long day when you just need them to get in the bloody bath and go to bed so mummy can drink gin?

[Oneaddoneisthree]

Me too, TheBody. I tell my kids we are Singapore. Although sometimes I wonder if I say these things only for my own benefit....

[TheBody]

at a push the only one with any sense is toddler taming by Christopher green.

still he didn't really tell us anything any sensible adult couldn't sort anyway.

[TheBody]

Oneadd has to boil down to whose in charge in your house really doesn't it.

is it sensible or fair that it's a child or the adult? job done.

we are more Germany than North Korea though! Angela Merkel would make a wonderful super nanny.

[DiddlePlays]

I actually think that these parenting books Are GOOD. I might not follow them it think that they are just rubbish. But the good ones will make me wonder about how I do things. Sometimes I will change what I do, sometimes I won't. But my interest is in the variety of pov, from the AK view if no punishments or rewards to the 'near totalitarian' approach of 'do what I say'.
I also found that some points of views actually reinforce the idea that I am doing well for my dcs because they feel so out of line.

[Housemum]

Love the comment above about wishing parent was still just a noun not a verb!

I could have written a wonderful manual about how to have non-fussy eaters that will try anything after DDs 1 and 2. You give them samples of lots of food when weaning, encourage them to feed themselves by offering a variety of suitable sized finger foods to choose from etc. Pah! DD3 resolutely refused any new taste, would only feed herself bread. She is now 6 and small and still fussy. If she doesn't like dinner she'll happily pick at a few veg then go to bed without anything else. Doing the "try a new food 6 times/17 times (depending what book you read)" thing has no effect - she will lick/bite and say yuck. My strategy? Hoping she'll grow out of it!

[TheBody]

Housemum yes had one like that too and he literally lived in bread and milk. all the books were useless so I decided to stop reading and stop worrying.

he's now 6'2'' going into the navy and eats bloody anything.

my older dd is 15 and bloody pikki now but so what!

food should not be a battle.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Do it NOW seems to do the trick!

[Stinklebell]

Doing the "try a new food 6 times/17 times (depending what book you read)" thing has no effect

No, same here 12 bloody years later and it still has no effect.

[silverten]

Hmmm.

So far I've employed the 'do as you are told or I will withdraw something you want, and absolutely will not get off your case until you do it' strategy. So far it's worked on most children I've encountered.

Does this have a name?

[Dancergirl]

After being a parent for nearly 13 years I have come to realise that parenting books are a BAD THING.

They make you doubt your own instincts how to deal with a situation. Even asking questions on MN and reading all the replies how you're doing it all wrong affects your own ability as a parent.

Oh, and the 'try 20 times before you like something'...?? Complete tosh. Some things my dc like the FIRST time they eat them, others they'd try 100 times and still not like them.

The advice I like best about fussy eaters comes from a friend's mum in her 60s who has raised 4 children. It's this 'just give them what they like to eat, they'll grow out of when they're ready'.

[obviouslyneedsupernanny]

Haha it's laughable to imagine myself (or anyone I know) having that sort of conversation with my child!

[UptoapointLordCopper]

We negotiate all the time, a la the "how to talk" book, about what needs to happen by when, and homework/minecraft/bath/tidying up etc etc more or less get done without too much trouble. I stand by that book. Bloody good advice about how to get your own way while giving other people the illusion of getting their way so everyone is happy.

[TheBody]

Silverten might be common sense?

[TheBody]

but if you negotiate all the time what happens when your child goes to school/work and just gets told to

well just do it!

[merrymouse]

No, no, no, no, no.

You have it all wrong.

You (cheery): It's bath time!
Child: I don’t want a bath. I hate baths. Go away!
You (breathe): It sounds like you’re really mad. You look really frustrated. What’s bothering you most? Can you help me understand? moves child to bathroom
Child: It’s not fair. You’re always bossing me.
throws child in bath
You: So if I’m hearing you right, you’d like to make more decisions for yourself. You feel like you’re ready for more responsibility. Is that right?
throws water over child's head
Child: Yes!
shampoo
You: Well, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea you were feeling babied. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.
rinse

It's all about misdirection. Like Derren Brown.

[pot39]

The parenting books I read in 1990's were something by Miriam Stoppard and Stephen Bidulph's bringing up boys. the former was blissfully liberal and the latter was eminently sensible and v useful as I was one of 4 girls and hadn't any idea what it was like to live with boys (was at co-ed school all through so I knew that I liked boys). From what I gather the ones people write these days are much stricter.
We did establish a bedtime routine from the outset and rigidly got them to bed by 8 until they left primary school and that's all we managed.
We still have dinner together every school night too.
THEN about 7 years ago Outnumbered started and we realised that our general bewilderment combined with endless negotiation was normal. Our boys exactly the same ages as theirs so we felt reassured!

I do know that we love our children beyond anything in the world and make it very obvious that we do.

They are not academic miracles but everyone says they are delightful and charming even though they can be perfect s*s at home.
So no I wouldn't read them now.

[UptoapointLordCopper]

TheBody We talk about why we need to "just do it" under some circumstances and what those circumstances might be.

I remember having arbitrary rules imposed (happy school days) and I remember the contempt I felt for all those so-called authority figures. But I've always respected my parents because they never did this to us.

[Fusedog]

Me to and the thing that makes be giggle the most some of these people font actually have children tbh



Every time if see a child hitting there parent at soft play and the parent pleading with the child to stop I think Ahhh wonder which parenting book you been reading

[grants1000]

ChristmasMum I am sensing you are not being heard and I really want to understand how you feel, perhaps we could start with some intial role play to help your express yourself more clearly so we can formulate an outcome that would be beneficial to the both of us, we can start with a freindship circle to help us get connected and more deeply rooted with the issue, how does that sound? Namaste (other chants and greetings are available)

[christmasmum]

Grants1000

[christmasmum]

I was thinking about all this at school pick up. It seems that these strategists can make their ideas work with any child. Then I thought... Hang on, I can make other people's children behave too... Just not my own. How can you be so perfect all the time when you have to not only do discipline, but be teacher of manners, chief cuddler, cook, cleaner, homework assistant, nose wiper and general drudge. It's a bit different when you can do an hour of being scarily effective then go home

(Is it wrong to feel excited about making conversations of the day on the sidebar thingy??)

[specialmagiclady]

When my "parenting instinct" is telling me to use intimidation such as screaming in my child's face or physically overpowering him to force him to comply, then I don't trust that instinct as the best thing for the long-term. Or maybe it is my 'instinct' telling me this is not a good way to parent that sends me to the parenting strategy books for help.

This, absolutely this.

[vladthedisorganised]

I was too "by the book" with DD for a while.
Me: It's bath time!
DD: But I don't want a bath!
Me: (consults book) I can see you don't want to and I know that in a perfect world I could wave a magic wand and Presto! your hair would be magically clean.
DD: So why don't you do that? I don't want a bath!
Me: (consults book) I see that having a bath makes you sad..
DD: And now I'm really sad because you know it makes me sad and you're making me have a bath anyway and it's not nice!

I resorted to the 1,2,3 and following through with the threat (going in the bath fully clothed) in the end. All children are different so the one-size-fits-all approach won't work for all of them, any more than one management technique works for all 180 of my department..

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

merrymouse

The day that Derren Brown brings out a parenting book I shall be first in the queue. Until that day I shall adhere to my 'make-it-up-as-you-go-along' approach.

[NancyinCali]

I quite like the books but I take it all with a pinch of salt and figure out what works for us. And that changes with age I think. I've heard good things about the 1,2,3 method working and may employ that later. In general I don't think there's anything my not-quite 2 year old has done that warrants a whole load of "strategy". The twos may be different…

I think we should be able to parent in our own way without the need to label it.