To hate all 'Parenting Strategies'

[christmasmum]

I probably ABU but I absolutely loathe parenting strategy books. Friends recommend them, I foolishly think 'maybe this one will be different' and give it a go.

They all seem to make you want to talk to your child like you're a robot. Does any parent actually say things like this example quote...

You (cheery): It's bath time!
Child: I don’t want a bath. I hate baths. Go away!
You (breathe): It sounds like you’re really mad. You look really frustrated. What’s bothering you most? Can you help me understand?
Child: It’s not fair. You’re always bossing me.
You: So if I’m hearing you right, you’d like to make more decisions for yourself. You feel like you’re ready for more responsibility. Is that right?
Child: Yes!
You: Well, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea you were feeling babied. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.

If I spoke to my DD/DS like this they'd look at me like I had two heads and STILL wouldn't get in the bath.

I get the techniques, fine. Listen, reflect, don't lose your temper and thrown them in the bath headfirst. But is it realistic? Does anyone actually manage to sound like this with their kids after a long day when you just need them to get in the bloody bath and go to bed so mummy can drink gin?

[Fifyfomum]

I stand corrected! Thanks Debbie

[BornFreeButinChains]

Very funny this has made me chuckle. However I do find recognising the child is upset and has a valid reason to be, does take the wind out of their sails.

[runningonwillpower]

My husband happened to be in the room when some parenting programme was on. They were recommending negotiating strategies.

He said, 'Don't you just tell them?'.

I know, telling doesn't always work. But neither does constant negotiation.

Sometimes - just sometimes - children need to be reminded that the adult in charge has been on the planet for a whole lot longer and does in fact know a bit more.

[IamRechargingthankYou]

YANBU - I just hate the use of the word 'strategy' when it comes to children full stop. It conjures images of robotic parents with no minds or instincts.

[Thetallesttower]

I am only half with you on this one. I love 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' because I found that I was committing every single one of the parenting crimes in the first chapter (lecturing, minimising, not listening). I think it has helped me no end reading that book when I was really stuck with one of mine. That doesn't mean I do everything by the book, I can't even remember most of the book, but when I am about to leap in when my dd is kicking off, I stop and remember the book and it really has lessened the tantrums enormously.

In general, I don't parent by the book but just go with the flow, but if I am getting stuck or going through a really bad patch with one of mine, I have found the odd book helpful (mainly that one, I didn't use any books since GF!) or talking with friends usually helps too.

[Megrim]

Don't think these stupid books stop at parenting either. I was recently invited to a training course entitled "Fifty Ways to Say Well Done." Erm ... what's wrong with just saying well done?

[thinking101]

here here floozey a lot of sense

[Thetallesttower]

Megrim that's so funny!

[Housemum]

At the end of my tether with DD2 (10yo) we went to a 6 week parenting course at our school (not PPP but similar). It was very fluffy. Another year 6 parent and I challenged the leader who said - "when the child won't listen to reason, you ask them to leave the room and go to reflect". Yeah, right, what about when you have in our case a shouty girl who refuses to move, and in their case a boy who lashed out. Apparently you just walk away so they have their quiet time. And if they follow you still mouthing off? Erm..... Book didn't have an answer for that. It was assumed that you'd ask them to go to their quiet place they would. If they were capable of that much common sense and reason we wouldn't be at a stand-off in the first place!

[Thetallesttower]

Housemum that reminds me of the HV who told me that my dd's tantrums would melt away if only I would ignore here, and that by intervening, I was 'paying her attention'. Little did she know that my dd could keep them up for two hours straight, even if no-one was watching, and things only got better when I started intervening immediately instead of trying ineffective distraction and ignoring techniques (which might work on some children but didn't on my very challenging one).

[UptoapointLordCopper]

I also love the "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" book. It's the only parenting book you need. But clearly you need some common sense when it comes to applying it in situations and in age-appropriate ways... Use your book and use your loaf, as they say.

[lainiekazan]

I had all this with dcs, and now exactly the same for trying to train the dog!

Imo all parenting (and dog) gurus assume absolute success after one attempt with their strategy. As if. You wouldn't be reading their bleedin' book if you were sailing along with no trouble.

I did like the Dr Christopher Green Toddler Taming book. I'm sure it's all now discredited, but he wrote amusingly and in an understanding manner about dealing with the challenges of two-year-olds.

[CheeseStrawWars]

When my "parenting instinct" is telling me to use intimidation such as screaming in my child's face or physically overpowering him to force him to comply, then I don't trust that instinct as the best thing for the long-term. Or maybe it is my 'instinct' telling me this is not a good way to parent that sends me to the parenting strategy books for help.

Parenting strategies just give you ideas, there are good ones and bad ones. Take the bits that work for you, ignore the ones that don't, or don't use any of them if you don't need them and parenting is a breeze for you you lucky sod. Get the books from the library if you don't want to pay for them.

It's all down to personal choice and the situation the individual parent finds him or herself in. YANBU to say parenting strategy books don't work for you, but YABU to sneer at parents who do find them useful.

[OpalQuartz]

I'm trying to deal with my children in a different way from the way I was dealt with, as I think the way my mum spoke to me was quite destructive and negative. That does mean that I do have to think about how I speak to my children and get ideas and new ways of dealing with things. It isn't second nature to me as it might be for someone who was spoken to in a positive way growing up. If I followed my instincts I'd probably end up just doing what my mother did. (Shouting/criticising/hitting etc.) I've found How to Talk and also Divas and Dictators useful and I've put the ideas into practice. I think they have made my children's lives a lot better than they would have been.

[DiddlePlays]

Well I can think about one book that would go like this, the 'How to talk to children' and tbh I have found it quite efficient.

I wouldn't use that method all the time but when are getting 'stuck' ie child is always Refusing to go in the bath then it works quite well.
I have also done the 'go in your room until you have calmed down' and again I found it does work. Incl with a child with AS and prone to huge meltdowns and/or angry outbursts.

Now it does feel weird if you try and do things exactly like this. I found that talking like that isn't me. But the idea that there might be a good reason for the child to say NO and they it's worth listening to it certainly rings true to me.

[Fifyfomum]

I don't think my parenting instinct has ever told me to scream in my children's faces. I do think there is something to be said for teaching my children that things stress people out and what stress looks like!

[DiddlePlays]

And tbh it's when you just want to out them in the bath and get to sit down to drink a gin that your dcs are likely to play up anyway...

[Oneaddoneisthree]

I think it all depends on your personality, your child's personality and how they match. If I had only ever had dd I would have got along just fine parenting by instinct as she is an easy-going, affable kind of kid, much like the way I was.

In attempting to not screw up my ds, I admit I have turned to parenting books at times. I feel I need to consider all possible strategies available so that I don't scream at him on a regular basis! He's a rather extreme child, bless his heart.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Personality comes into it when DD was at nursery the staff thought she was going to become a criminal barrister she argues her point so well that she got 99.6th centile for verbal reasoning. You do not negotiate with this child as you will loose.
My strategy is ' because I am the Mummy and I say so'.

[lainiekazan]

Quite. I could have written a book after having ds. He was (and still is) eager to please and nearly always cheerful.

Dd, however, can be appalling . The thing is that any child over the age of, well, six - will see all too well that you're trying to use some sort of strategy and will not play ball.

[funnyfarms]

I recently watched a woman control a group of twenty rowdy children simply by not reacintg. she asked them to be quiet, they were for a bit then started chatting. and then she simply stopped talking. sat there and let them get on with it. after about five minutes they twigged that someone odd was going on - and after a few mumbles etc shut up.
i was SO impressed.

[Thetallesttower]

Funnyfarms this works really well with my students, I use it all the time, but it doesn't work with your own children at the dinner table. They don't feel peer pressure and they don't give a monkeys if you look disapprovingly (or mine don't anyway).

I always wanted to have a child like me where if my mum looked disapproving I felt bad immediately and never wanted to get into trouble. Where did I go wrong?!

[Oneaddoneisthree]

I also use the waiting quietly strategy when teaching. I find it works better than anything else with the age group I teach - 7-10 year olds. At home, it might work with dd who wants to please. With ds - ha! - he couldn't give a monkeys.

[TheBody]

fucking hate them op, agree.

especially the bloody endless negotiations and whittering of some parents.

we ran a totalitarian state but as benign dictators.

worked for us.