Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to be so, so upset about what my friend said (and not tell her)

102 replies

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 12/03/2014 21:30

Ok, this happened a few days ago and I can't put it out of my mind.

Darling friend was on the phone, having a bit of a moan. She has a DD aged 18 months and was annoyed with her parents, her husband, her nanny, the whole world. I get that those days happen.

I told her she needed to forget about all the crap for the night, sack off the housework and read a good book with a glass of wine. She said that she just couldn't do that. I told her that she needed to make time to relax (she has a demanding job and does a full time week in four days) or she would be no use to anyone.

At this point she said, "But I can't do that now. I've got too much to do. Everything changes when you've got kids". And I (maybe stupidly) pushed the point that having kids doesn't mean you don't need a night to unwind once they are in bed. And she said "You won't get it. You won't get it until you have kids". I ended the convo politely and hung up.

The reason I don't have kids is because I had three miscarriages and a stillbirth in three years. I was devastated after the stillbirth, which was only a few months after her DD was born. I am not trying at the moment, because I need time to recover, and I might never be ready again. She knows all of this.

I get that she was in a bad mood, and I might have wound her up too. I get that it was a slip of the tongue. But I have spent hours with her and her DD, and I have spent hours listening to her moan even though it killed me, because I want to be a good friend and because I know that hiding away from the world of babies won't do anything to help me. The very least she could do was show a bit of consideration for that, or at least call to apologise.

I suspect that I am being unreasonable. But I feel like I was slapped in the face.

OP posts:

slithytove · 12/03/2014 23:14

OP, I don't think your friend will have realised. The sad thing is she probably doesn't think of you as a mum, even though you and others anyone with half an ounce of sensitivity know otherwise.

Just tell her if you can. I suspect it will feel good to get it out actually.

sally the worst one was when my FIL said he had 2 grandchildren. I didn't have the courage to ask him "but what about Gabrielle". Wish I had. Tore into the OH later though

People are stupid, and foolish, and insensitive. And you just have to cope day to day. It can be lonely, you are very perceptive. Just shocking that those who are closest are often the worst.

There are some kind people on this thread - thanks for all the nice comments. And sorry again for the hijack!

SallyMcgally · 12/03/2014 23:18

Oh nunquam. What a terrible thing to say. It must be hard to come back from that.
Gabrielle is a really beautiful name btw.

foreverondiet · 12/03/2014 23:19

Whilst it's true it's harder to relax once you have kids esp if you are working it's not true that you can't have a night off etc and given your circumstances she was a complete cow to say what she said.

slithytove · 12/03/2014 23:21

Thank you, she was baby girl for a couple of weeks while we figured it out, think we chose well in the end

Hope you are feeling a bit better op x

MammaTJ · 12/03/2014 23:42

Parenting is bloody hard work, most of us know that, you know that.

Those of us lucky enough to have DC also know that we would rather have the hard work than not have our DC.

YANBU to be upset, YWNBU if you decided to let her know either.

zeno · 13/03/2014 11:44

Yanbu op. If you can find the words to let her know that it hurt you that would be a generous response, but you don't have to.

We have dropped a couple of people from our lives who couldn't factor in the death of our elder dd. One of them complained ever such a lot about missing her daughter (same age as our dd) when she was away from her for a month; she wasn't a close friend, so it was an easy choice to make.

With some people it's definitely been worth taking the trouble to say "I'm sure you didn't mean it to, but what you said really was painful for me to hear." Once it's acknowledged, they can apologise, be more aware in the future, and you can all move forwards with your relationships.

Spero · 13/03/2014 12:07

Just remembering what one of (we thought) mum's closest friends said when my dad rang her to say she woudn't be able to make their theatre trip as she was now dying from cancer.

'O dear. And I was so looking forward to it!'

Not surprisingly, this 'friend' then never came to see my mum, telephoned her or even sent a fucking card in the next two months before she died. My dad is furious, as mum was upset by this, and said she is not invited to the memorial.

This 'friend' when challenged by another of mum's friends was apparently 'very taken aback' that she had caused any pain or upset by her behaviour.

Some people are just utterly, utterly self centred and awful. And I wouldn't waste time with them.

NearTheWindymill · 13/03/2014 21:46

I hope you are feeling better OP. I have been thinking of you. I also just wanted you to know that nearly 17 years ago there wasn't anything like MNet and I really wish there had been.

With love.

fatyellownectarine · 13/03/2014 21:51

Ugh, what a cowbag your friend sounds. Sorry. I am so sorry for your losses, too. xx
After I had a miscarriage a pregnant friend said to me, Lucky you, you can eat whatever you want now! Yes, having a painful, devastating miscarriage was totally worth it just so I could eat seafood again. People are so totally insensitive. I would take a big step back from this 'friend' and put some time and space between you at the very least. You deserve better than what she dished out.x

fatyellownectarine · 13/03/2014 21:58

I am so sorry Nunquam to hear of your loss,too. Gabrielle is a beautiful name for your beautiful girl.x

AveryJessup · 13/03/2014 23:41

It's so stupid of her to say 'you wouldn't understand because you don't have children'. You could just as easily respond to her that she wouldn't understand your grief and losses because she has never lost a baby so she doesn't have a clue what you go through every day.

And if you can't possibly understand the intense burden of being a parent then why is she calling you to unload? She should call some of her friends who do have kids and moan to them instead of being insensitive and talking to you about day-to-day parenting frustrations.

To be honest, she sounds incredibly boring too. Who wants to listen for hours to someone moaning on about how hard it is to be a mother? Least of all someone in your situation, OP.

EverythingCounts · 13/03/2014 23:55

She sounds like a right moaner who is, in that worst of all combinations, also someone who thinks other people are too sensitive about their problems. I'd also agree with Spero that having 1 child and a heavy workload is not the most terrible burden in the world. It's pretty much my own situation and I'm aware I am luckier than most.

Numquam I too think Gabrielle is a lovely name for your daughter.

slithytove · 14/03/2014 09:49

Thank you nectarine

slithytove · 14/03/2014 09:49

And everything

Original poster

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 14/03/2014 20:28

Thanks everybody. I spoke to my friend earlier this evening and she apologised immediately, when I told her how upset I was.

The problem is - and now I feel like a real bitch - that although I said it was fine, it isn't really. I resent her so much for having everything that she has and still wanting to moan. I resent the fact that she can let herself slip and be forgiven and, in the dark days last year, still kept on seeing her and her baby and didn't once say how hard that was and she can't appreciate that. Or maybe she did but she has never once said it and probably won't unless i ask her to. I resent the fact that I resent her for something that isn't her fault.

I am a huge believer in friendship. I don't let them slide easily. I don't want to let this friendship slide over something so trivial, especially when I plucked up the courage to bring it up and she apologised.

I don't know if I will ever be ready to try for another baby again. And so many people have said things like "Oh you mustn't let what happened bring you down". As if I were a 17 year old who has just been dumped.

OP posts:

NearTheWindymill · 14/03/2014 20:55

I know love. You are grieving.

But you know, miracles do happen. I'm looking at dd right now - nearly 16 with baked bean juice on her chin. She was my 5th pg that got beyond the 1st trimester (I have lost count of the ones lost before 6/7 weeks - auto immune disease). DS was born at 36 weeks, DS2 at 27 (and didn't make it). DD was an "accident" born because of a marriage turning row over whether trying for another baby was worth the grief and upset. I would never have dreamt I would keep a baby to full term to be born 51 weeks after DS2. I have big blanks about that pg because i was such a mess - the obstetrician even arranged for a psychiatrist to come and see in hospital after dd was born. Sometimes I look at them both and well up because if some of the things that happened hadn't happened then I wouldn't have the same two children and I cannot imagine a life without these two. I don't know if that helps or makes it worse but it isn't meant to do the latter. Life has a funny way of turning out right in the end despite the journey.

I really really wish I could come and hug you and wave a magic wand and make it all better. All I can really say is that time helps us to come to terms with things and eventually we do; time and experiences changes and shape us and influence what we are capable of and some of that is having to realise that other people are insensitive and usually it's because they just don't know any better because they have never been where you are. This friend isn't what you need right now and maybe in time you will find ground again with her but it isn't now and whilst you have things to be very sad about this isn't something that's worth the energy. I think you might need to learn to forgive yourself before you can forgive any one else. I did.

With love - also to the others on here who have suffered some of this.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 14/03/2014 21:00

It doesn't sound like you are getting much joy from this friendship at the moment, if you are supporting her at your own expense.

Maybe you need to give her a bit of wider berth for a while - just see her when invited/send cards etc, but give yourself some of the tlc you have been giving her.

PicardyThird · 14/03/2014 21:17

Oh, dancing

I agree that this friend isn't what you need right now. You sound as if you are in a place where you need to look after yourself first and foremost. And that's fine. You've been through a horrendous, multiple ordeal.

I am lucky enough to have two children. I have also had six miscarriages, the last three consecutive, and am a bit of a puzzle to the medics. About to embark upon another load of tests. Although I am an an immensely privileged position, and I know I am, I am struggling with the losses of my potential children, with the fact that I may never get the third baby I have felt belongs to us somehow (iyswim), and find it very very difficult to handle the things some people say. I've learned, gradually and painfully, that I need to take these feelings seriously. You have been immensely brave in seeing your friend and keeping the friendship going - and I am out there too, caring about and sharing in others' recent births - and you sound like such a caring person that the resentment you are feeling is certainly telling you something. Perhaps it's that you need to talk more honestly with this friend, reassess your friendship, possibly withdraw for a bit. Perhaps it's that you need to look after yourself, be kind to yourself, take your grief seriously and not always put it second to carrying on for the rest of the world. Are you having any counselling? A wise and supportive therapist could be an immense help to you.

I send you love and do hope that one day you will be far enough in your healing to feel ready to try again, and that you get your richly deserved happy outcome. xxx

evelynj · 14/03/2014 21:25

Some people are just thoughtless or a bit self centred. I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP & anyone who has struggled to conceive or miscarried knows how hard it is & how much it hurts when people make stupid comments. We don't expect it from our nearest and dearest though. The people who are supposed to know and support us more than everyone else. I'd be honest and say to her that you're finding it hard to move on from this & that SHE won't understand until she has struggled to conceive or miscarried, although you wouldn't wish that she ever does understand.

Take care of yourself x

JessieMcJessie · 15/03/2014 02:39

Did she apologise properly, or just say something vague about not thinking or realising she'd upset you, then try to change the subject? She should have not only apologised but then given you the opportunity to talk to her about how you feel, generally and in relation to her life.

To be honest you can't dismiss this as a slip of the tongue. It sounds like continuing this friendship is too hard for you and you should maybe focus on spending more time with more empathetic people, or people who have gone through similar to you.

As a comparison, I spent 6 years unhappily single and in the end found that hanging outvwith my happily married friends was just too hard as I was so jealous of them, though obviously also happy for them. I had a much better time socialising with other single women. Now I am engaged but I am hyper sensitive to my single friends' feelings and try very very hard not to say anything that makes me seem smug or ungrateful.

hellokittymania · 15/03/2014 03:50

Yanbu, some people don't engage their brain before speaking....

AngryBeaver · 15/03/2014 03:58

How crass of her :(
I'd distance myself tbh, just for a while.
And I think you should tell her that you were hurt by her insensitivity.

I'm so very sorry for what you've been through xxx (((())))

AngryBeaver · 15/03/2014 03:58

How crass of her :(
I'd distance myself tbh, just for a while.
And I think you should tell her that you were hurt by her insensitivity.

I'm so very sorry for what you've been through xxx (((())))

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/03/2014 06:40

If you're willing to try again with her, I think it would be worth having some stock phrases available to change the subject if she starts whinging. Maybe "I'm sorry to hear that, sounds like a tough week, anyway, what do you have planned for the weekend?". I wouldn't allow yourself to be drawn into the conversation, she doesn't benefit from your empathy and reassurance and doesn't value your opinion on this, so there's really no point talking about it.

NewtRipley · 15/03/2014 06:44

dancing

Glad you sorted it out.

YANBU to feel a bit resentful of her, but please don't let on you think this. It is hard sometimes, in the midst of early parenthood, to feel constantly happy and grateful. In fact, thinking that you should feel this way is a pressure in itself.

And I agree with Testing. She isn't sensitive enough, maybe, to realise you are not the right person to moan to.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5