to be so, so upset about what my friend said (and not tell her)

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Ok, this happened a few days ago and I can't put it out of my mind.

Darling friend was on the phone, having a bit of a moan. She has a DD aged 18 months and was annoyed with her parents, her husband, her nanny, the whole world. I get that those days happen.

I told her she needed to forget about all the crap for the night, sack off the housework and read a good book with a glass of wine. She said that she just couldn't do that. I told her that she needed to make time to relax (she has a demanding job and does a full time week in four days) or she would be no use to anyone.

At this point she said, "But I can't do that now. I've got too much to do. Everything changes when you've got kids". And I (maybe stupidly) pushed the point that having kids doesn't mean you don't need a night to unwind once they are in bed. And she said "You won't get it. You won't get it until you have kids". I ended the convo politely and hung up.

The reason I don't have kids is because I had three miscarriages and a stillbirth in three years. I was devastated after the stillbirth, which was only a few months after her DD was born. I am not trying at the moment, because I need time to recover, and I might never be ready again. She knows all of this.

I get that she was in a bad mood, and I might have wound her up too. I get that it was a slip of the tongue. But I have spent hours with her and her DD, and I have spent hours listening to her moan even though it killed me, because I want to be a good friend and because I know that hiding away from the world of babies won't do anything to help me. The very least she could do was show a bit of consideration for that, or at least call to apologise.

I suspect that I am being unreasonable. But I feel like I was slapped in the face.

[NearTheWindymill]

I agree with spero. YANBU and your friend was very very insensitive. I think both your lives have moved on and you both need to hang out with others who understand you better. Friendships change hugely I have found when children come along because common ground is lost. I have been where you are OP; it wasn't my oldest friends who helped and supported me at all. It was a time when I had to forge new allies and they sprung up from the most amazing places when I was looking least for them. Not least the elderly neighbour who had been through the same 30 years before and I never knew until she turned up with sherry and asked what he was like and let me tell her.

I hope you find a better place soon OP - you need real support for you right now, not needy greedy friends.

hugs

[slithytove]

Been there, heard similar. In fact a 'friend' recently had a baby and when I said I knew it was hard (baby was in nicu for 2 days before joining mum) dealing with that and I had sympathy, she snapped back "you wouldn't understand unless you have had a baby ripped from skin to skin an hour after birth". I was like, uhm, I do understand, only my daughter died.

This was about a week after baby had left nicu btw.

YANNNNBU

I bet the friend doesn't even realise. Insensitive bitch. This stuff really upsets me.

And fwiw, you are so a mum, you just haven't been allowed to do it on earth yet, and I really hope you will x x x

[SallyMcgally]

nunquam. These are such terrible stories.

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Oh, shewhoshops windymill nunquam I'm so sorry you've been here as well.

[ProjectGainsborough]

My god, some of the people described on this thread sound awful

Nearthewindymill the story about your neighbour brought tears to my eyes.

[GingerMaman]

I don't know how to put this sensitively and to not upset you. You sound like such a great person and friend, honestly!

The reality is that motherhood for some is so so difficult and hard. I have a very very fussy baby who for 5 months woke up every hour at night, and whinged through the day. There is no one that can relate to me, except the people that have had such similar types of babies. Before I had my own, there is no way I could have understood the reality of how hard and tough it is. When she said you wouldn't understand, she probably did mean it, because you can't, though she shouldn't have said that to you, especially because of everything you have been put through.

I remember one morning i was so badly sleep deprived and stressed out that I said something similar to a friend of mine, and I apologised for it straight way, but the truth is, I shouldn't have said it, and she will only understand why I said it, once she has her own kids. And then the penny will drop.

[pancakedayiscoming]

Yes it absolutely does dancing.

This sounds like a really tricky situation. An old friend but someone who may not be trusted with your pain at the moment.

The woman I've decided to stop seeing had three fails before I made the decision to stop setting her, but the relationship was not worthy of it and I wish I'd saved myselfthe heartache.

[Spero]

You wouldn't just smile and nod and say 'o poor thing. You have it so hard, what with the nanny and the husband and the one NT child. God knows HOW you make it through the day, but you do, you superstar'.

You, quite rightly, challenged her on her utterly nonsense assertion that she couldn't for one evening let the nanny or the husband help with some of the very many urgent things that absolutely had to be done right then and there.

So she punished you. She may not have deliberately and consciously thought as she said it that she was going to hit you where it hurt, but if she didn't do it deliberately she did it thoughtlessly and frankly which is worse? they are both pretty bad in my book.

If she said it deliberately - she is a monster. Get rid.
If she said it thoughtlessly - she is not many steps away from being a monster. I would still get rid.

But if you value her, give a chance to say sorry. And then get rid when she fails to.

[slithytove]

There are so many of us and that in itself is awful and wonderful. There is always going to be someone who understands and I have made several (only online but still) fantastic friends through our shared grief.

Your friend, if she is a friend, will cope with you telling her how much it hurt.

I'm a gobshite relatively confident, so whenever anyone told me when I said I was tired, "oh well you be knackered when you have a baby", I would quite happily reply "I'd love nothing more to be up all night with a baby", and stare them out.

I grew a thick skin very quickly, to the extent that people now look at me like I'm an insensitive bitch for saying "yes I have 2 children but my daughter died". But I could never deny her existence.

dancing I don't think you are unreasonable or oversensitive. If you value your friend, tell her. I imagine she won't make the same mistake again.

Now whether you tell her she is being a martyr or not, I leave to you!

[Spero]

Sorry if I sound harsh, but if you have ONE child, a husband and a fucking nanny, unless you have got full on post natal depression and/or your husband is cheating on you with the nanny it is not such hard work that you are allowed to speak to friends like that and still expect them to be there for you the next day.

Two days without an apology eh? I wouldn't hold my breath.

[ProjectGainsborough]

Yes, and I am a horror for saying stupid things, although I hope I have the good grace to try to make it up afterwards.

I guess only the OP knows if this is one of those moments, or whether there is a fundamental rift between them. After all, life is full of things that you only know 'if'...

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

spero I hadn't thought of that. I think you're right.

I am plucking up the courage to text her in the morning.

[Spero]

Well, a pretty sure fire way to find out is ring her up or meet her and say 'do you realise how hurt I was by your comment about having children'.

the next 30 seconds will tell you all you need to know about whether or not this person deserves any more of your one precious life.

[TheBody]

some of these posts are making me cry. I absolutely cannot understand the crass insensitivity of some people.

beggars belief. hugs to all who have had to not inky desk with the horror and agony of loosing a child but the dreadful comments afterwards rubbing salt into such deep wounds. so so sorry.

[SallyMcgally]

But how could anyone think you're an insensitive bitch for acknowledging your daughter, nunquam? . Your daughter. You shouldn't have to battle to be able to talk about her.

[Spero]

I wouldn't text. I know it is hard and I am being a major hypocrite because I have never had the courage to do it directly - but that is why I am now so gung ho about telling others to! because I wish that in EVERY single situation I sent the cowardly text or email I had had the guts to say it to their face.

But if you really can't face it directly, then send a text. Be very interested to know what she says.

And sorry for the annoyance but this competitive matyrdom bollocks annoys me a lot. If you like, I can ring her up and play misery top trumps with her. I think I'll win.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

She was being a tit. Hopefully she'll realise that and have the grace to apologise.

[CrapBag]

Would be as deal breaker for me.

OK she may be feeling hard done by with her parents, husband and nanny! But that does not give her the right to be a fucking insensitive bitch.I had pnd twice and felt so terrible but I would never ever have said this to anyone, let alone a good friend who had been through what you have op.

So sorry for your losses.

[BeaWheesht]

If shed called straight back when she'd realised what shed said I might've forgiven her but as things stand nope I wouldn't be forgiving her anytime soon, how thoughtless.

Yanbu

[slithytove]

sally the mad thing is I do.

People who don't know me very well (mum and baby groups etc) have asked me how on earth I can say it so matter of factly. Practice I guess. They are often better than family are.
Cos those who know me well, those who should be talking about their niece/granddaughter/goddaughter, don't, apparently for fear of upsetting me.

It's not talking about her which upsets me, I love talking about her and reckon many angel mums are the same. It's not like someone says her name and I suddently remember she is gone lol. The loss is always there and I love the person who gives me an excuse to remember her out loud.

Sorry OP, bit of a thread hijack there!

[AnnieLobeseder]

OP, your advice was sound, parents absolutely deserve (dare I even say need!) to unwind every now and then, there's never anything so important to do in the evening when you have a child that you didn't have to do pre-children. Your "friend" is being a martyr. Well, too bad for her - life is quite hard enough without making it harder. But it's not okay to be for up your own arsehole in martyrdom that you would treat a friends so badly and thoughtlessly.

Sadly, I think you'll have to gently let the relationship go unless she does some very serious grovelling.

[SallyMcgally]

I'm so sorry. It must make your already awful loss feel very lonely.

[TheBody]

Nun total respect and you are quite right hugs xx and to you op xx

[MistressDeeCee]

So sorry to hear what you've been through, OP. Thats tough. & now coupled with your friend's insensitivity, no wonder you're feeling as you do.

Half of me says just tell her how what she said has made you feel. You'll feel far, far worse if you brood on it. The other half knows - a dear friend is a dear friend and my tongue would never 'slip' in the way your friend's has - Im not saying your loss would forever be at the front of my mind - but as a friend it would just be THERE in my mind, so if I were to slip up it wouldn't be related to something that had caused you great distress...can't explain it better than that.

Your friend isn't much of a friend. She's whinging to you, you are trying to advise and she doesn't want to 'hear' you - furthermore after you've advised as best you felt you could, she has told rudely told you that you don't understand. You're just her sounding board. She doesn't want to change her situation, she just wants to complain, and is self-centred.

*sigh...takes off v. polite hat...please tell her to piss off. Life truly, truly is too short for self centred energy-vampires. I wouldnt bother tiptoe-ing around trying to find out why she said what she said..unless you feel you really can't survive without her in your life, then get rid. She doesn't respect you. There will be nicer people you can be around.

If you feel fearful about confronting her, then don't. Write her a letter reminding her of what she said, and why you felt upset. Maybe she will reply on the defensive, maybe she will say sorry..who knows...either way she sounds like an insensitive bore..or boor...take your pick. & in general it sounds as if you have quite enough to contend with thank you, than putting up with people who don't appear to understand or care about the concept of friendship. Or manners.

[HaroldLloyd]

Its an awful awful thing to say to someone, maybe it hasnt registered in her mind yet, but unless you tell her I cant see you being about to get over this with her at all.

On the face of it she sounds horribly self centered, unless she has just blarted it out and it just didnt register at the time.

Youd think if you told her this she would be mortified and very sorry.