to be so, so upset about what my friend said (and not tell her)

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Ok, this happened a few days ago and I can't put it out of my mind.

Darling friend was on the phone, having a bit of a moan. She has a DD aged 18 months and was annoyed with her parents, her husband, her nanny, the whole world. I get that those days happen.

I told her she needed to forget about all the crap for the night, sack off the housework and read a good book with a glass of wine. She said that she just couldn't do that. I told her that she needed to make time to relax (she has a demanding job and does a full time week in four days) or she would be no use to anyone.

At this point she said, "But I can't do that now. I've got too much to do. Everything changes when you've got kids". And I (maybe stupidly) pushed the point that having kids doesn't mean you don't need a night to unwind once they are in bed. And she said "You won't get it. You won't get it until you have kids". I ended the convo politely and hung up.

The reason I don't have kids is because I had three miscarriages and a stillbirth in three years. I was devastated after the stillbirth, which was only a few months after her DD was born. I am not trying at the moment, because I need time to recover, and I might never be ready again. She knows all of this.

I get that she was in a bad mood, and I might have wound her up too. I get that it was a slip of the tongue. But I have spent hours with her and her DD, and I have spent hours listening to her moan even though it killed me, because I want to be a good friend and because I know that hiding away from the world of babies won't do anything to help me. The very least she could do was show a bit of consideration for that, or at least call to apologise.

I suspect that I am being unreasonable. But I feel like I was slapped in the face.

[TheBody]

she sounds a self centred bitch and you are an angel not to have told her to fuck herself.

[MorningTimesAreHorrid]

You are not being unreasonable. Just reading your post made me feel so angry on your behalf. The only person who doesn't 'get it' is your thoughtless bitch of a friend.

I can't imagine she has forgotten what you have been through, so that makes me think she was deliberately being evil. Or she is the most self-absorbed person ever. Does she normally speak to you like dirt?

I have 4 DC, three of them are under three & the youngest are twins. I have a close friend who is undergoing fertility treatment at the moment. However exhausting my life gets (& there have been some dark moments since the twins were born), I would never moan to my friend about how hard it is. I might mention lack of sleep sometimes but I am even careful about that. Because, however down I am feeling, my friend is going through something harder & I don't know what that feels like.

If I need to moan, I'll just have to find someone else to moan to, because my friend doesn't need to hear it right now. To say what your friend said to you, after you lost your babies, is just unthinkable. In fact, it's a stupidly patronising thing to say to anyone.

Being a parent to one baby is just not that bloody hard (excluding people with post-natal depression obviously). I find the type of people who drone on and on about how tough it is were us usually self-obsessed, moaning tossers before they had a child anyway.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Wow. She's awful. You poor thing xxxxx

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Oh pancake I'm so sorry you've heard similar. It cuts to the quick, doesn't it?

[Quinteszilla]

Yanbu.

You know what, she does not need a good book or a glass of wine. She has you as her emotional rubbish bin. Is she really a good friend?

[MichonnesSamuraiSword]

Oh OP you are so not being unreasonable.

What a complete slap in the face. I assume she just said it without thinking, but if so, she really ought to have apologized.

You sound like a lovely person. I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

[BurntPancake]

Op I am so sorry for your losses, you sound like a great friend and YANBU at all. I do get what your friend meant in that sometimes you really can't take time out for yourself but she was out of order, she gave no thought to your feelings at all. I'd never say that even to someone who hadn't been through what you have.

[Spero]

She has ONE child, a husband and two parents AND a nanny?

And she dares moan on and on and on about how hard she has it and how hard she has to work?

Quite apart from her cruelty and rudeness to you, she sounds mightily up her own arse and lacking perspective.

I assume her cruelty to you comes from the same place as her general lack of consideration or thought. I wouldn't bother hanging around with people who moan a lot in any circumstances. they are generally very draining and dull people, even when they are not being crass and insensitive.

If you value the friendship, tell her face to face how much she upset you. If you don't value the friendship, never contact her again. I suspect she won't contact you.

[Quinteszilla]

Next time, you might as well say "Why do you keep moaning to me? You say yourself I will never really get you, as I may never have children, as you well know" Maybe that is what she needs to stop herself in her track and think a little?

[Southsearocks]

I think she either didn't think about what she was saying and/or she is now too mortified to call you. I had a similar situation with a best buddy. It played on my mind for weeks and in the end I just had to say something. We both cried, had a big hug and cleared the air. Just say to her look, on the phone the other day you said this, and it really hurt me. If she's a good friend she will do the right thing.

[SheherazadeSchadenfreude]

I expect she is overly stressed and feeling mortified.

[BurntPancake]

Just to clarify when I say I got what she meant that's referring to her saying she can't take time out NOT the nasty comment.

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

She is (was) a really good friend. I've known her since I was 13. I feel that she has become a bit of a martyr, but can't tell if that's my grief and irrationality talking.

[Spero]

It is SO not your grief and irrationality talking.

She sounds overall a horrible moany cow who needs to slap herself about the face with a wet fish until she realises how much she has to be thankful for and she starts appreciating it.

And if she isn't happy in her life then she needs to make changes without hurting people who are trying to be a good friend to her.

[shallweshop]

YANBU! I had a similar thing with a 'friend' years ago and have never forgotten. I had just suffered my fourth miscarriage (which she knew all about) she was heavily pregnant. I was standing by her desk chatting to her when she suddenly decided to announce to the rest of the office how skinny I was looking, then she stood up so that she could compare her big bump against my flat stomach . I left the room and went back to my office where I immediately emailed her to tell her how he had made me feel.

I really think you ought to tell your friend how you feel. Hopefully she will have realised herself that she was out of order. Fortunately, I did eventually succeed in having my 2 DC. I really hope you get your happy ending.

[SallyMcgally]

It isn't you being irrational. At all. Nor are you expecting anyone to walk on eggshells around you. You're simply sounding hurt that you haven't been treated with really the minimum of human decency and sensitivity.

[SallyMcgally]

Shallweshop that's just awful. I'm so sorry. What makes people behave like that?

[Beastofburden]

The thing is, dancing we don't want everyone on eggshells round us, no. But we do need a bit of gentleness. If she is a friend you really do like, that's exactly what you say to her- exactly that.

Only you know if the friendship is one you want to keep. But don't push yourself too hard to tolerate and endure everything. Sure, one option is to tough it out and be wonderful at not showing the pain. But another is to ask simply for what we need- no eggshells thanks but a bit of gentleness.

[CHJR]

Hang in there, OP. You'll be dancing again some day, one way or another, I hope. You and your friend are on completely different pages now, for obvious reasons, and she can't understand fully how you feel, and perhaps is very distracted. Some day, I hope you will have children too, and it will be easier to be friends with her again. Meanwhile it's perfectly reasonable to spend more time with those friends who are in the same place as you. who when you get children will suddenly no longer be quite as compatible with you either It's complicated. I have all sympathy for you. Just remember it's all just people being people, being people. Being dumb. Not mean, just dumb. Right?

[Amy106]

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable at all. What an awful thing to say to someone. .

[TheBody]

she has one toddler ffs and a nanny. she's very very spoiled and lucky.


she's a self centered brat who you have probably made excuses for since you were both 12 and she's taken your support as her right.

she needs to apologise. can your dh tell her how upset you are over her comments. I would love to give her a piece of my mind. cow.

[May09Bump]

Hopefully, if she is a good friend, she will call again tomorrow mortified at what she said. It was horridly insensitive, but if she is stressed (even with help), her brain might not have been in gear.

I'm sorry for all you have suffered, should she not call I would slowly distance myself from her. You should not have to put up with that.

[InOtherNews]

Sorry for what you've been through dancing. We've had similar issues and I think you are much stronger than me - for a long time I couldn't face anything to do with babies and the pain tore through me at times. The fact you've spent hours with her and DD is a great testament to you as a person, and as a friend. That is very kind of you, I would've struggled to do that.
I have noticed great insensitivity from acquaintances, and people who sometimes do not know what to say. But she is your friend, and she does know what you have been through and I think she has been cruel. Talk about twisting the knife. I wonder if she understands the pain she's inflicted on you at all. You mention you sometimes put a brave face on, and I wonder if now is the time to tell her how difficult you find things such as that. I don't think she'll be treading on eggshells - sometimes just people acknowledging and knowing how you feel is enough. Sometimes, once you have told someone you feel like this, it is unspoken that they understand. Like you say, you need gentleness and she needs to know that you need this. I really feel for you, and I hope you can resolve this so the friendship can work for you, too.

[JollyGolightly]

What an absolute bitch. It's not just being dumb, it's being grossly insensitive and failing to realise or apologise for her appalling behaviour.

Im so sorry, OP, you don't need this.

YADNBU

[Chloerose75]

Totally and insensitive horrible comment. You didn't say anything wrong but she definitely did!