AIBU to think that if there is any doubt in your mind...

[PointyDogs]

...then it is only polite to assume the woman with the toddler is the mother and not the grandmother!!!! I am 42, DD is 20 months. No, I honestly don't look a lot older!! I know that there are plenty of grandmothers the same age as me, but there are loads of older mothers around too. If in doubt, please be nice and assume I am the mother, or just say nothing at all!! It often seems to be the older generation (60+), who look at me questioningly "Is she your granddaughter?" or "Spending time with your...[querying look]...grandchild?"

And breathe...

[Jinsei]

But for people over 60, having babies over 40 does surprise then and they do expect mums of babies to look a lot younger.

Really? My grandmother was 46 when she had my dad, way back in 1937! She was 38 when she had her first child.

Personally, I'd be a bit shocked if I met a 42 year old grandmother. Very rare in my social circle.

[MauriceMinor]

I should say I personally wouldn't think you were the grandmother as I know plenty of "older mums". Obviously I can see why you wouldn't like to hear it.

[cjel]

I was 40 when I became a nannie, and people were very kind and usually say mummy when I'm with the oldest(13now) but stick to nannie with the younger ones (2,3, etc))

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

So far, nobody has actually said/asked if I am grandma rather than mum to my younger DCs. My youngest is young enough to be me oldest's son (with 16 years between them) and I have loads of grey hair, wrinkles, and walk with a stick, so it's more surprising that it hasn't happened than it would be if it had iyswim.
My youngest son made fast friends in nursery with the grandson of a woman who was in my year at school, and that really brought it home to me that I am an "old mum" but well, "meh" - I don't care.
The only time I was ever truly upset was when some young lad serving in a shop asked me "when are you due?" when I wasn't pregnant, and hadn't been pregnant for quite some time. I was mortified :( after that, nothing has ever been so "upsetting" so to speak, and these days, if someone thought I was grandma rather than mam, it wouldn't bother me because I know how I look.
If I was all dolled up and had dyed/had my hair done it might get to me, but on a normal day, nope - I look like grandma most of the time. I look in the mirror and my mother looks back so why shouldn't other people see her too?

[deakymom]

people think im the childminder because my children dont look like me but im usually with my husband (who they look like) so they then think im the "new wife" when they find out im mom they say you dont "look" like you have had three children i then have to explain i have a thyroid disorder and thats why im a size 10 (ish im hardly a size zero so..........?)

[takingthathometomomma]

I'm a young parent and people often assume I'm the "big sister". According to Society you have to be bang on thirty to be an acceptable mothering age.

[notundermyfoof]

People should always be cautious wrt this kind of thing, its like asking when the baby is due if you don't know for a fact that the woman is pg! I have almost made this mistake before but thankfully engaged brain before mouth

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

People thought I was ds1s sister, I was very young when I had him.

Now people think he is ds3&4s dad when he takes them out

[Latara]

I only know of 2 women aged 36 / 37 (my age group) with teenaged children aged over 16 - so I never assume 'older' women are grandmothers.

I always assume that 40-something mothers are the mother unless told otherwise.

[Starballbunny]

YANBU my DF was just shy of 43 when her DS was born.

However, DHs dad was older than my younger Grandpa, so misunderstands are understandable sometimes.

[Latara]

I think that 'older' mothers must have been more common years ago than people realise; because a lot of my patients are in the 80s age group with late 30s / 40s aged children.

[TheNightIsDark]

I'm blanked at the school gates because I don't look old enough to have three DCs. I'm going to get a top printed saying "I'm 25, I have a degree and several other qualifications. I also have manners and wouldn't blank someone for their age"

Or something shorter and snappier.

I'd much rather look older.

[MonsterMunchMe]

How's this for a story.

5 years ago, My DM, DF, DSis, her 2 children, myself and my 1yr old DS went to see Father Christmas.

The guy dressed up as Santa, gave the little ones their presents then apologised to me and my DSis that he didn't have anything for our age group, then congratulated my DParents for being brave enough to have such a large age gap between children in front of about 30 other parents and children, and my DS is mixed race so looks completely different to us all.

The gasps and giggles were very obvious but it still took poor Santa a few more seconds for the penny to drop. He went beetroot. I thought my poor DF was going to die of embarrassment.

And for DS's first parents evening they thought I was his au pair and asked why I had come and not his mother I work full time so my DM does do the majority of drop offs/pick ups but I had been there on his first day and a few times in between.

I'm just grateful for my good genes that apparently make me look 15-17 years old

[HauntedNoddyCar]

YANBU.
DS was about 2 weeks old when I took him to toddler group with my oldest dd. He was premature and we had had a very difficult time. An actual granny greeted me with my"Oooh Granny's looking tired today!" I restrained myself to toddler"Really? I haven't seen her today. I'm his mother" And then had a hormonal cry when I got home. I was 40.
It never hurts to exercise a bit of caution.

My nan had my mum at 20 but her mother was 43 so saying that generation had their children young is to ignore the fact that their parents were at the mercy of biology and many had children well into their 40s when 40 was far further into life expectancy than it is now.

[MrsCosmopilite]

I remember taking DD (then 18 months) to the local charity shop and the lady behind the counter said to me, "Oh, are you her grandma?" I said no, I was the parent, and the stupid cow er rude woman then said "Are you SURE?"
Yes I am. I was in labour for 50 hours and recall being c-sectioned very clearly thanks.

Something similar happened on holiday last year on a steam train ride. People pulled up in classic cars, which DD was interested in. I was letting her watch them all, and one of the drivers said "I bet this car is older than your nanna". DH and I looked at each other and I swear he flinched. I was polite and said, "I don't think so. One Nanna is dead, and the other was born in 1942". Cue lots of muttering and blushing..

I only seem to get this with older people. Friends at college think I'm in my 30's. DD is now 3 and I'm well into my 40's.

[BreconBeBuggered]

It's bloody mortifying, that's what's wrong with it. I've had the granny question a couple of times, and it's horrifying to realise that not everyone sees the still-fertile sexy woman and the granny is nearer the surface than you'd thought. Nothing like being presumed to belong to a younger generation, I assure you - I've been there as well.

[takingthathometomomma]

Haunted baby groups are the worst for that kind of thing. When DD was a baby the older mums were very cliquey and would whisper and stare, presumably because I was young. They even started pulling their DCs back when they crawled towards mine! Nasty experience, stopped going after a few weeks.

[TheNightIsDark]

I don't go to baby groups. I took DD and DS2 to one before Xmas and was completely blanked for half hour before we left.

I'd love to know what the perfect age to have a child actually is. Everyone is either too young or too old it appears!

[takingthathometomomma]

TheNight it's a really horrible feeling. I've had similar issues at the school too, although to a lesser extent. Some of the mums, older or younger, are really friendly. Others look at me as if I'm an alien when they hear DD say "mummy".

As for perfect age, check the Daily Mail. No doubt they'll have some opinion (played off as fact) about it!

[TheNightIsDark]

One mum has spoken to me in 4 months

I'm just worried DS won't get invited to friends houses or no one will turn up at his party etc because of their preconceived ideas. I was 20 when I had him so I'm not even that young!

[Birdsgottafly]

People need to keep their judgements to themselves.

I mind my Niece's baby twice a week, usually with my DD (18), the nasty looks that my DD gets are difficult to ignore.

I overhear comments such as "the age of her to be pushing a pram".

It's funny watching people trying to work out whose baby it is, because neither of us would be acceptable, to them.

The look of shock when we are on the bus and I start asking her what shift she is on next week in work, are frequent, because obviously, they don't expect her to be working.

She isn't a young looking 18, either, she passes for in her 20's.
My DD works in a Nursery and when they are on a day out, with the babies, they are treated with comtempt, until it is realised that they are Carers and not Mums.

[takingthathometomomma]

TheNight, don't worry, he can always join up with mine. Young mums unite

Jokes aside, I'd bite the bullet and talk to them first. They might just be awkward/shy, and even if they are genuine stuck up cows I would just plaster on a fake smile and say hi and bye before they get cliquey and your DS does end up being left out.

[SPsMrLoverManSHABBA]

My mum is 41 and she has 2 under 4's (sisters birthday now actually )

When we both go out with my siblings and son (4) people assume my sister and son are twins as they do look alike or that they are triplets as brother is the same size as them! They assume they are all mums.

When they are corrected then the comments come.

It's ok for her to have 3 under 4 at 43 but its suddenly different when she turns out to be a nanna.

People assume I am around 16 as well so I get looks if take all 3 out alone.

I once was out with siblings, son and stepdad. That was fun! He is in 50's and I look 16. Siblings shouting dad at stepdad and son shouting mum at me.

The faces when son also said grandad

Cant win either way tbh.

[Kezzybear]

People just don't think. I remember going home and crying after being asked if dc2 was mine. He is mixed race but was very fair as a baby. If in doubt don't say anything