AIBU and too lax to think "well, it's her hair..."?

[Stinklebell]

Had a night out with a group of friends Saturday.

We've all got a mix of kids, ranging from 3, with mine, and another friend's daughters the older ones at 12, we were chatting about how our kids were, and the friend with the other 12 year old asked how mine had got on starting high school, just general chit chat really, which moved on to them discovering make up, and messing about with hair, etc.

Other friend mentioned that her 12 year old had been nagging to get her hair dip-dyed and she wasn't sure, I said that my 12 year old had also been asking and I had agreed that she could do it over the school summer holidays - DD wants to dye the ends of her hair red which will involve bleaching it first as she has quite dark hair, so we'll then cut the red ends off before she heads back to school. Friend said she thought it was a good compromise

Another friend was listening to this and said she felt I was far too lax to even consider it, let alone allow it and that she decides, and always will, what her daughter does to her hair, what clothes and shoes she wears, etc

Now, as long as my DD's hair is clean, brushed and a normal colour for school, I don't really care what she does to it. It's her hair. She chooses what she has done at the hairdressers, she has hair chalks which I'm happy for her to mess about with, etc. My only rule, is no perm or semi-perm hair dye - only that wash-in/wash-out stuff. She has quite soft curls which she loves and rarely asks for it to be straightened so she doesn't damage it with excessive heat styling or anything like that.

With clothes and shoes, they're to be age, weather and occasion appropriate, within budget and correct uniform for school, beyond that, I couldn't care less. We go shopping a few times a year and my only real input is the debit card. I help her out and make suggestions but I don't choose her clothes or lay her outfits out for her to wear each day - I might treat her to something if I see something I think she'll like, but they're her clothes, she has to wear them and feel comfortable in them so I think they should be her choice

Is that really terrible?

[D0oinMeCleanin]

Mine did it last summer holidays. A few times. She had purple ends, then graduated pink-purple ends, then cerise pink all over.

A good trim, lashings of deep conditioner after it had all washed out and her hair was in better condition than usual.

She did complain that people were staring a her when she had cerise hair Yup, that tends to happen when you have illuminous hair dd

Dd2 was only allowed a few streaks at the front and around her parting because she is younger, plus her hair is darker, so it didn't show as brightly.

I don't mind either of them experimenting with their hair as long as what they do can be reversed in time for school.

The only problem you might have is finding a hairdresser willing to do it. I asked 3 different ones before doing it myself and they all said they can't/won't dye hair on children younger than 16. There are plenty of YouTube tutorials if you end up doing it yourself. Just remember the lighter the bleached bit, the brighter the red, but also the quicker it will wash out, colour has trouble "sticking" to bleached hair because of the lack of pigment for it to "stick" on. Go to a proper hairdresser suppliers and ask for advise. There are some sealants you can out on over the dye to help it stay longer, although even then they wash out quickly.

[BecauseIsaidS0]

My brother wanted to grow his hair long when he was, I don't know...about 15 I think. My mom said ok as long as he kept it very clean and pulled it back in a ponytail for school. A friend of my mom's tried to shame her, saying that she'd cut her son's hair in the middle of the night if he ever tried to grow it long.

Fast forward a few years later...her own son was walking around with two pigtails .

I think you are doing just fine! I really like that you've reached a sensible compromise with her.

[Stinklebell]

Sorry, went to bed early and missed the later posts.

She's never asked for any piercing, beyond 1 set in her ears which she had done last summer. She did ask for a second set a few weeks ago, but then saw how badly infected her friend's set had got (one earring had to be cut out) so has been put off having any more. School rules state 2 sets in ears, no where else

In all honesty I don't see how piercings/mad hair dye/etc affects a child's ability to learn and pass exams, or how they behave but they're the rules, and I don't want DD to end up being taught in isolation/expelled because I've gone against them

I'm a bit worried about doing the dip dye myself to be honest, I tried to bleach my own dark brown hair once and it ended up the colour of a Sainsbury's carrier bag, DD will kill me

[MaitlandGirl]

The piercing rules here (NSW) are nothing personal (covered by undies) until 18 and anything else under 16 requires parental consent.

The piercer we use is lovely and will happily turn down customers if she doesn't think it's right for the child, or if the parents are being talked into it by the child.

DD wanted her eyebrow pierced but I've said no - nowhere new until she's 16.

[sonlypuppyfat]

I'm quite shocked a 13 year old girl has got that many piercings, don't you have to be a certain age? Or am I just very old fashioned.

[MaitlandGirl]

My youngest (13) has had dip dyed hair for the past 8mths - naturally blonde hair with green ends, and before that she had the underside of her hair purple.

The school don't care either way and she can't get away with anything naughty as she's very easy to identify!! She's also got her nose pierced and 3 sets of earrings and a cartilage piercing in one ear.

I do get hassle from the other parents as their kids want the same but they won't let them.

My theory is nothing's permanent and if the school are ok with it then it's not a problem.

Mind you, this is the same child that spent the entire of year 6 wearing 1 orange shoe and 1 green shoe (converse)!!

[MrsBobHale]

YANBU

My DD had hers dip dyed for Christmas of Y6 and again this year (Y7). It looked fantastic! Bad mother that I am I let her do it on the Thursday night so she could show her school friends on the last day. Both years the teachers just commented on how nice it looked. It was all cut out the weekend before school started and she had no problems at school.

Both years I did it at home. It's easy as anything and she knows I'd be cross if she ever did it without me there, because I wouldn't want it going on her skin.

A big bin bag with a hole cut for the head and a paint brush and it only cost about £4.

It did shock my snobby aunt though. I consider this a bonus!

[Poppylovescheese]

YANBU

[NoelOfLorst]

I got ripped a new one on here once for saying I allowed my 12yo to dye her hair.

She'll never make barrister apparently. I haven't broken it to her yet

[Stinklebell]

Thanks

And sorry but I said no when I was her age I was still playing with pippa dolls!

See, I don't agree that the 2 things are mutually exclusive. She can do both if she chooses. Red hair dye isn't going to change that.

openerofjars - my parents were the same, no make up, no choice in my clothes or hairstyles, no going to, or hosting, sleepovers, etc, so sometimes I wonder if I go too far the other way and end up far too permissive, instead of striking a happy medium

I've spoken to my hairdresser, she's my neighbour as well so I'm subject to mates rates, and reckons about £40 for the initial dip dye, and includes cutting the ends off after 6 weeks - she's not going to cut it when she does the dip dye to keep some length so it won't be so short when the ends are cut off if you see what we mean. So £20 each, which I thought was OK

[bodygoingsouth]

well who has their had dyed and doesn't find the cost out upfront? daft mare.

[MrsFruitcake]

One of my friends let her 11 year old have her hair dip-dyed not that long ago. She agreed to pay for it all and got a shock when it was £90 and they then had to live on pasta for the rest of the month.

[whoislester]

my dd is now 10 but has also had issues with clothes her whole life. they can be too tight, too scratchy, etc

socks can cause a meltdown and she has to wear them inside out!

So i had a choice early on in her life, allow her to choose her own clothes to her preferences or have a battle every day and send a sad girl off to school. i firmly believe that if you feel comfortable in your clothes then you feel comfortable in your SKIN and that if you dont notice you are wearing them you can get on with learning iyswim?

now she is 10 she likes mainly black, mostly leggings or jeggings. nothing too jazzy.

she asked for her hair to be dip dyed purple at the begining of year 5 and i let her!

but she knew if it ruined the ends of her beautiful long blond hair then they would have to be cut off and she knew this.

so if you are laid back then im too laid back too

[BoyFromTheBigBadCity]

OP this sounds like a great attitude and your daughter sounds like a sensible young woman who understands that your appearance is meant to give you joy, but that school rules may not be to your taste but are worth following. applause all around.

My parents are fairly relaxed - I was given a 'clothing allowance' from about age 13, to buy all my non-essential clothes from. So my parents bought me school uniform, a school regulation coat, a pair of proper trainers, school shoes, and jeans. Everything I bought myself. It was great - I had to learn to budget for nice things that cost more than 1 month's allowance, and all the clothes I bought were thing I liked, and no-one's business except my own. The one thing my parents were fairly strict about was pierced ears, but now I'm an adult I have more piercings because I want them, not because it's rebellious.

You can also buy half decent dip-dye kits in the chemist, so that would be a cheaper way for you and DD without having to make 2 hairdresser appointments.

[bodygoingsouth]

as mum to grown up dss and teen dds I would say make your battles about things that really matter.

school work, behaviour and inherent dangers of drugs and alcohol.

clothes, makeup, hair, belly piercings, ear piercings. non issues as all can be changed.

I also think some pride themselves on having 'passive well behaved teens who don't care about their peer group'

mmm they do!!! and will either do it anyway,or do it as soon as they are 18 and you have left it far too late to teach commen sense.

you have it right op. it's a tightrope for sure.

[ReadyisKnitting]

Sounds like an excellent compromise, and a very sensible dd. I suspect your friend might well have a rougher ride over the next few years though. They're not so compliant when they begin stretching their wings!

[Littleen]

It is her hair, and let her dye it! She can dye it back if she regrets it, and it'll always grow out. I've dyed my hair since 13 on and off, and never done me any harm regardless how ugly my gran thinks it is! :)

Why not have some fun in life, it's not like it's a tattoo or a massive piercing :)

[BlueStones]

She sounds very overbearing. Her daughter will rebel ...

[MaryWestmacott]

Your friend's DD is going to be one of the hundreds who get tattoos and get in to debt buying a whole new wardrobe in the first term of uni.

[openerofjars]

You sound ace: my parents were really controlling about dress when I was growing up and in reaction I looked like Lisbeth Salander (well, with red hair and no tattoos) after I left home. My hair has been red, black, purple and now blonde and I have had up to 8 piercings at a time, including the nose stud which went wrong, which to be honest I mostly did because I wasn't even allowed nail polish until I went to university.

I think your way is much calmer and will probably result in your DD looking less weird for fewer years! Your friend, however, will probably have a LOT of hand-wringing to do over her DD's inevitably interesting clothing choices over the next few years as she rebels against total control.

[sonlypuppyfat]

My DD has just turned 13 and has asked to have this done she also wants to have her ears pierced again. And sorry but I said no when I was her age I was still playing with pippa dolls! I just think she's still a little girl and that is too old for her.

[bodygoingsouth]

oh and my dds school is far too bloody sensible to care about hair colour. funnily enough it's outstanding.

[bodygoingsouth]

how very very sad that your friend wishes to treat a young girl like this. what a dreadfully controlling attitude.

if your friend will indeed always choose her dds clothes, shoes and hair style the child won't develop properly.

she should get a dog if she wants that relationship.

[Panzee]

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter, and she sounds very sensible. :)

My four year old can't be forced into a coat. He now looks out of the window and can decide for himself whether to wear one.