to wonder why men are almost always the non-resident parent

[womblesofwestminster]

Yes, I know I could win an award for most clueless person, but please humour me.

Why is it that when parents separate, it's almost always the mother that the children live with and who has to do the bulk of the mundane parts of the childcare? While daddy gets to pay a cash sum each week, pursue his own interests most of the time and then be Disney the rest of the time.

Doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

[ElectricalBanana]

As I have said exh hasn't acknowledged his daughters on any of their birthdays but managed to call the CSA on their birthdays to enquire if he still had to pay. As DD2 has sen she stayed in college a bit longer and he still had to pay up.... I would rather he have DD2 over to stay every so often as I get no respite but even when he did have her he refused it have her overnight as that would mean I could go out or away.....his words. Also he requested I had no one to stay in the house unless they paid him rent!!! Just over night!

[hiddenhome]

Money is a man's greatest love after his penis Children come after the woman and woman comes after the dog

[BuffyxSummers]

king they really do!

[AmberLeaf]

Howard there are forums on the net detailing/swapping tips about how to pay less via CSA, upping overnights is a popular suggestion.

Sure, some mothers may be vindictive and deny access, but there are far more fathers trying to dodge the CSA

Absolutely.

Anecdata; lots of men cite not wanting to allow the exw to benefit from their money as a reason for dodging child support.

Given the huge majority of 'splits' never go anywhere near a court and arrangements are decided between splitting parents, IMO the majority of men just don't want residency.

I know a few men who say how unfair it is that they don't get residency, but I know that they are barely consistent in seeing their children, so I am a tad cynical about the sob stories TBH.

I know someone who has 50/50 if not 70/30[him being the 70] but then he was very hands on before the split being a SAHD.

[BruthasTortoise]

My DH has been the RP since his DSs (my DSSs) were tinies. Their DM wanted a life that didn't involve children. DH is a brilliant father - has held down a full time job while their DM has worked various PT jobs and has never paid a penny voluntarily. I kinda resent some of the generalisatiosn on this thread about men. Many men are wonderful fathers even if they are separated for the child's mother.

[Justforlaughs]

hiddenhome In the cases that I know of, the children have, without exception, chosen to be with their Dads because mum was always out with other men, bringing men home, not caring for the kids etc. Dad, meanwhile has been a fantastic Dad, working long into the night, but making sure that he is around after school and whenever the kids need him. That is in 3 different families. The other one, the dad got custody after mum was found guilty of neglect. Yes, I know several families, where the children are with Mum, Dad is an idiot and never around/ useless when he is but as I say, there are bad mums and bad dads, and sometimes it;s just a case of what works for that individual family. It;s a shame that sometimes it takes so much effort on behalf of the Dad to get the residency that he and the kids deserves, rather than the default of "mum must be best"

[Pennyacrossthehall]

KingRollo OP most women would walk over hot coals and suffer any deprivation to be with their children. Lots of men won't.

That's possibly the most sweeping misandrist statement I've ever seen on this forum.

[BrandybuckCurdlesnoot]

Anyone who fights for 50/50 contact to reduce maintenance is an idiot. The cost of keeping a child for half of the month would cost a lot more than the reduction in maintenance you currently pay (unless they were paying a lot of maintenance to begin with). Maintenance halves with 50/50 contact. You don't stop paying altogether at the moment. That means you have to fund the costs of the child for 50% of the week, clothes, food, a roof over their head, associated costs and get no financial support towards it and continue paying some maintenance ... whereas the other parent (will lose some maintenance) but will also lose some costs however receive maintenance and any associated benefits for the child, ie. child benefit and/or tax credits if they qualify.

An NRP paying maintenance will be financially worse off having 50/50 contact. It always suprises me when people assume the argument for 50/50 is fueled by a desire to pay less maintenance.

[thecatfromjapan]

*Brutha'sTortoise: The thread is discussing why, statistically the majority of parenting , post-separation, is done by women. I think most "generalisations" are mullings as to the whys and wherefores of that statistical truth.

I don't think anyone has doubted the possibility that there are some great fathers out there.

I have a son. Frankly, I cannot afford not to believe that there are some great fathers out there.

It is genuinely good to hear from posters who have positive stories of fathering to tell.

I think there is clearly some way to go before critical mass is achieved, when the cultural balance tips in such a way that it will be inconceivable to be a "good" man-who-has-produced-offspring without also being equally responsible for the welfare of those children (at every level: psychological; emotional; day-to-day care; financial). But hey ho: Roll on that day.

Likewise, there should be less pressure on women to take so much of the pressure of caring for offspring.

Both before and after separation.

We are a long way from that. But the positive stories are good.

[hiddenhome]

I agree Justforlaughs. Some mothers are wasters and some dads are great. I just think, in the majority of cases, it's the fathers who feel quite comfortable walking away and having their children when it suits them.

[rivierliedje]

Here the default is a 50-50 split. I have a friend whose parents did this, she once described how it worked: in each of her parents houses she had a bedroom and clothes and toiletries etc. And for the rest there was a big plastic box which she took from one house to the other every week. On top of that her parents noted down everything they spent on her and made sure it worked out evenly. Now that is commitment to making sure everything is 50-50

[AmberLeaf]

Bruthas there is lots of generalisation on this thread yes, but it does reflect the experience of the majority sad as that is.

Most single parents are women, most NRPS ie the majority, don't pay child support, those that do often pay the minimum, some only pay £5 per week because they are unemployed, or because they claim to be earning less than they really are.

I just don't get why it is so socially acceptable for a man [or a woman, but majority are men] to turn his back on his children, they should be ostracised, other women should steer clear of them not start new families with them! When a woman walks away from her children she gets scorn, it is seen as something awful, yet men seem to get away with it.

Actually I do get why, as someone else said-Patriarchy!

[hiddenhome]

Brandy you're missing the point regarding this issue. Yes, it costs more to have the child 50% of the time, but men are desperate to avoid having to pay money to the mother because they like to imagine that she's spending it on gin and having her nails done

It really, really galls them to have to send that cheque.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

In answer to the OP isn't it because in most families, even when both parents are working out of the home, it is the mother who does the bulk of the mundane parts of the childcare?

[maleview70]

Lot of generalisations on this thread.

"men tend to put themselves first"

Your man might have done and If so more fool you for choosing him!

I was a 50/50 parent whilst married and then my wife decided to have an affair and announce that she wanted out (no doubt some on here would ask if I did enough hoovering and was the affair my fault)

Anyway I then paid more than the CSA would have asked me to (£60,000) over 12 years as well as sharing custody and ringing him every day I didn't have him.

Some men put their children first......

[Pan]

OP, if that is your take on male NRP then you're seeing it from your own miserable POV. The quality of NRP and their impacts are varied yes, so how about being a bit more delicate about it, what with a few male NRPs on the site?

[hiddenhome]

Oh, God, 'ere we go

[AmberLeaf]

Anyone who fights for 50/50 contact to reduce maintenance is an idiot. The cost of keeping a child for half of the month would cost a lot more than the reduction in maintenance you currently pay

Yes, of course, but the motive is to not give a penny to the exw.

They think she will be spending it on hair dos and nail varnish to attract a new man you see.

[hiddenhome]

That's not bad timing actually. I wonder if they have computer programmes to assist them