AIBU to ask in what way have I harmed my baby by not bf?

[LostMarbles99]

Before my baby arrived I decided I was going to ff. Ds is 10 months now and I still get little pangs of regret that I didn't try to bf.

There have been lots of threads on here recently about bf/ff and one person said how they felt so sad the baby didn't even get the first feed from its mother.

I totally get that some people cant bf but I didn't even try. Was this really wrong of me? Be honest?

[Snowfedup]

The way I think of it is breastfeeding will make your child slightly healthier than they would have been if you hadn't but that doesn't mean they will be healthier than the ff child next door if they would have been the healthier child anyway due to family history and genes.

Same for intelligence eg child a's baseline IQ would have been 100 but as his mum bf it will be 102 were as child b's baseline IQ would have been 120 and will still be 120 because he was ff !

I'm lucky to have no allergies or health problems in either my or dh family and we are both fairly intelligent so I'm not bothered that I didn't manage to ebf for 6 months but I do get cross when those who did try to suggest their child is healthier or more intelligent than mine.

[MelanieRavenswood]

It is possible to accept that there are definite, proven risks to formula feeding and at the same time consider those may be risks worth taking if formula feeding enhances your family life in a different way (or of course if bf is riskier due to meds etc). I certainly felt that I needed a rest from the difficulties I had breastfeeding my ds and we switched to formula early on - sadly I didn't get the support I needed and didn't realise some of those bf problems could be fixed. I don't feel guilty because it wasn't my fault but will always be regretful he didn't get the nutrition that was meant for him.

[Retropear]

Utter bollocks Mrs,- berate and belittle- utter baloney.

[Minifingers]

Zarazog - I have made decisions about how I parent my children that I don't feel great about. I have smacked my children on the odd occasion and I can tell you, I feel shit about that. What I don't do though is try to use character assassination against people on this board who make a strong case against smacking, because their comments make me feel guilty and inadequate as a parent (which they do). My actions are my responsibility as are my feelings about them. If I have nothing to feel guilty about I don't feel guilty and nobody can make me feel that way.

[strictlovingmum]

DS 18 only ff, all those years ago when formula resembled pharmaceutical waste, I didn't know any better, I was very young and could not be bothered with the whole thing of bf.
DS is currently at Uni (third ranked in UK) studying Physics with Elctr.Engeneering, four A levels A, 11 GCSE's A and A*, IQ trough the roof.
I know I didn't harm him in any way, there is so much more in raising a healthy and productive, well rounded human being then just means of feeding in those first months.
DD exc.bf for a year, bright, clever, very quick on uptake, but not healthier or smarter in any way then her older brother, they are very different
OP you haven't harmed your child in any way I am sure, you need to relax, expel those guilt feelings out of your mind and enjoy your child, those first months and early years go very quickly, savour every moment, there are no medals for the bf/ff mother of the year.
IMO Parenting is a very private journey full of self doubt and guilt, save your self for bigger trials and tribulations, they are coming your way

[Retropear]

People don't feel guilty Mini,they simply disagree and don't buy the stat twisting.

[Minifingers]

Breastfeeding will keep thousands of children away from doctors surgeries and out of hospital this year in the UK.

That's what the current evidence suggests.

Make of it what you will.

It will also save the lives of some premature babies.

[Minifingers]

Retro - is the NHS and UNICEF twisting the stats?

Because the information I have mentioned on this thread comes direct from NHS Choices and UNICEF.

I'd be really appreciative if you could address the issue of the information about breastfeeding in NHS patient information leaflets and on NHS websites. This information supports my view on the subject, not yours.

[Retropear]

My 3 were mixed fed for the first couple of months.

Sorry I don't buy the bullshit re the few weeks of bm they had alongside formula.

There will have been very slight benefits to my dc but considering their genes,parents,advantages and healthy lifestyle sorry the benefits they got from bm beyond colostrum aren't even worth thinking about,ditto negs of formula they had alongside.

[Retropear]

Mini correct bottle prep will also keep them out.

[Golddigger]

AIBU to think that there are only about 6 mumsnetters who keep promoting and pushing for breastfeeding, even if mothers then end up feeling bad because they didnt do it for whatever reason,
and the rest, about 29,994 posters on mumsnet, think that pushing and pushing it, is not fair on mothers?

[Pinholes]

Whatever you do, you worry that you haven't done the right thing for your child.

^^ that

And also - no matter what choice you make, somebody somewhere will think it was the wrong one so fuck them

For what it's worth my DC1 was FF, the closest he ever got to breast milk was when he mistakenly latched onto DH one night. He's never ill, he's near the top of his class according to the glowing reports I get from his teacher and he's not obese.

DC2 was BF and we were never away from the bloody hospital. They put us in the same room on the same ward each time too, I'm sure they kept it reserved for us. You know you're at the hospital a lot when you hope she doesn't get admitted on a Wednesday because Wednesday night is spag bol night and hospital spag bol is shite. She's not obese either but that's because she lives on fresh air and crumbs. General intelligence has yet to be determined as she's below school age but at bedtime she was complaining about a lumpy pillow and I found it was full of plastic play food and she's got a bump on her head at the minute because she tried to look at her own shoes (while walking) and leaned over too far ....

With my next DC I'm opting out of the whole BF/FF controversy and will simply start on solids from birth. It must be natures way, birds do it.

[Retropear]

And what strict said- save yourself for bigger trials further down the line if mother guilt is your thing.

[Minifingers]

Strict - you have misunderstood the research.

There is no research suggesting that formula fed children can't be extremely bright, only that it appears to be linked at a population level to a slight (3 -5) reduction in IQ compared to a control group of otherwise similar children fully breastfed as infants.

There are thick breastfed children and brilliant ff children. All breastmilk does is optimise development.

[Pinholes]

All breastmilk does is optimise development.

But you could argue that all infant milk - whether formula or breast - optimises development, in that unfed babies tend not to develop at all.

Infant feeding is a titchy, teeny, tiny part of development. There are so many other factors involved that even with a control group of exclusively breastfed children who is to say its entirely down to the breastmilk? They may be more intelligent due to something in the air or their home environment.

[Minifingers]

Goal digger - seriously, this is a DEBATE board!

Are you saying that we're wrong to express a view on breastfeeding that diverges from the mainstream ON A FUCKING DEBATES BOARD?

Seriously - how much censorship do you need in order to feel comfortable with your choices?

Are you hoping to crush and silence all dissenting voices on this subject?

Jesus, it's like living in the Third Reich - ironic really when you think about all the 'breastapo' insults people like to bandy around here......

[strictlovingmum]

Mini I do not read research and collection of data, I am sorry, but I do have a life.

[Minifingers]

Pinholes that is exactly how the benefits of breastfeeding - emotional, health, intellectual and developmental have been explained away - that women who choose to breastfeed tend to have many other qualities in relation to intelligence and mothering style, that benefit their children. The research into intelligence is particularly complex in relation to this. Recent studies included only healthy children and controlled for education, age and social class of the parents, among other things. However, it was only when they controlled for IQ of the mother that a clearer picture emerged which appeared to disminish some of the importance of breastfeeding. It seems that even if you take mothers with identical levels of educational attainment and income, women who are more intelligent within that group are more likely to breastfeed, and this skewed the results of some of the studies.

[Golddigger]

Do some mums go on to get post natal depression because of the guilt they feel about not breastfeeding?

[Pinholes]

I once asked my mum if she went through any of this one style vs another lark when she was raising us. She just laughed and said "no dear, we were far too busy raising you to worry about whether we were doing it right".

[strictlovingmum]

Pinholes How is that for a no nonsense approach and a large dose of reality?

[Minifingers]

Strict - fair dos.

I think that a baby's sole food for the first six months of life is quite an important choice. I certainly spent more time researching it than I did my buggy. But each to their own.

[Minifingers]

Amazing that the physiologically normal way to feed a baby has now become a 'lifestyle choice' or a 'style'.

Go figure!

[Retropear]

Yes isn't clean water and a decent alternative great!

[monicalewinski]

Golddigger

That would not be worth an AIBU thread, because you know you are absolutely spot on.

Sick to death of seeing the same people going on and on and on and on ad infinatum about how fecking wonderful bf is.

We get it, it is nature's natural choice; some people can't or won't breastfeed so they use formula.

I know you're all not fans of anecdotal evidence, but I don't really care tbh - my children are healthy, fit and well and were ff from their first feed. That's actually all I care about - my children.