to think the childminder should not be making arrangements with the school over my head?

[kawliga]

Here's the situation which is making me feel really angry: the childminder picks up a few children from different schools nearby. She has to park the car, walk to the school gate (not easy to park directly outside but sometimes she does this which is just wrong in itself) pick up DD, then do the same at some nearby schools. She doesn't really need to be doing it in a car but heyho. Anyway she waited for DD's teacher after school and told the teacher that she has to pick DD about 15 minutes or 20 minutes early from school (before the end of school) to give her time to get to the next school gate in time for the next DC to come out there. I am livid. There are so many things wrong with this situation I don't even know where to begin. I have never told the childminder not to approach DD's teacher to make arrangements about DD because I honestly never thought any childminder would consider this a reasonable thing to do. Surely that's always the role of the parent? AIBU? Obviously the teacher did not say she could do that (not even sure the teacher is authorised to do that, but I'm not sure since I would never try to pick up a child early just for my convenience who does that?? Is that acceptable in any way?

[kawliga]

I don't know what the school told her. The teacher only mentioned it to me in passing, we were not in a meeting or a context where I could follow it up. So instead I sent in the angry email. When I spoke to the CM I didn't ask her what she was told. She was a bit defensive saying she would be late for the other DC, they don't do anything in the last half hour, etc.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice. I'll just leave it. And quietly find a new CM.

[RinkyDinkyDoo]

Wrong,wrong,wrong. One off early pick ups are usually ok if parent has to be somewhere, but you can't allow a child to miss that much time each day. It all adds up. As a teacher, I would not allow this to be a regular thing and the head would defo not sanction it.

[missmapp]

My cm does collections from two schools, she works with a fellow cm who collects one set of children from school 1 and then she drops them off at the cm's house whilst the cm collects mine and others from school 2. (does that make sense) If you are happy with your cm in all other ways, you could suggest this to see if it is a way forward.

YANBU by the way.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

The school would never agree, or at least I'd be staggered if they did. Our school works right up to the bell most days, so they last half hour is not wasted!

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

x-posted with your last couple of posts.

I understand that you are used to having 100% say over what your daughter does or doesn't do, but the older they get that changes. On top of that you have delegated some of her care to someone else, hopefully a responsible adult, you need to let go of the control a bit when you do that.

Of course it is an absolutely stupid request she has made, but as I said earlier, if it was a one off then I don't see any reason why she - as a CM who is collecting your DD everyday - shouldn't be able to make an arrangement with the school. (Though I think MN would probably be divided on that point!)

I still don't understand, when you think she is a lovely CM why you are scared. Is there more to this? Are you worried someone else (her father for example) could come along and do this or something. It's such an over reaction to the situation that I am sure there must be more to it.

[MidniteScribbler]

The school obviously told her no, so I'm not sure why you're so angry with the school. Be angry with the CM by all means though, she sounds like a twerp.

[gwenniebee]

YANBU.

And also, six year olds do lots of things that are really important to them (maybe not massively to their schooling, but important to them) in the last half hour of school - show and share, story time, giving out the days' rewards - not to mention letters home and making sure everyone has reading books and records and so on, so it is important your dd is there until the end of school.

I hope you can find someone who can fulfil your requirements properly without too much fuss.

[fromparistoberlin]

I think you are right to be annoyed, AND you need to calm down

she basically arranged something she cant fulfil on, and is desperately trying to work a solution

I think also (and experience is a wonderful thing) you will learn this when you look for the next one

start to look for a new CM, and explore rationale/logistics better

when you hand your notice in simple explain she has been great with the kids, but you cant have your child missing school

dont go crazy, put it down to experience and dont have a falling out with her, she looks after your child and until you have a new solution any awkwardness will not really help

buit def look for a new one as sounds like she is in a pickle here, and your DD as newest mindee will be the one to lose out

[kawliga]

Chipping the scared feeling is because I know she is comfortable in the school, she chats to the staff, so to hear that in that context she has told them she would like to pick DD early...well maybe not scared but very unsettled. This CM sees me every single day and she has all my phone numbers, she could have mentioned it to me at any time rather than just approach the school direct? I find it a bit...unsettling that she can do that. That's all. But yes, a new CM.

[Canthaveitall]

I think you are over reacting and not quite sure what all the drama is about with some of the posts. I agree the CM should have handled it differently but she has asked for your child to finish 15 minutes early so she can get to her other mindees on time and safely she hasn't sugggested leaving her on the fast lane of the m25.

If she is otherwise a good CM who you feel happy leaving your child with then speak to her. She made an error of judegement and if reasonable will see that. If you don't trust her and this is just another thing in a long line then find another CM.

We all make mistakes after all.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I think it's a big misjudgment - more than a mistake. It would make me wonder how thoughtful she is, for want of a better word.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Sorry. I think expecting a child to leave school early every day to suit the child minder is ludicrous

[tinyturtletim]

The thing is, cms tend to have great relations with the teachers I do anyways,

I think when you calm down you may be able to think more rational.

It is completely possible that she thought she would ask the teacher and see what they say before speaking to you,

I have had a few occasions where I have wanted to do something discussed with the parent and then felt a bit incompetent that i have changed things again.

Yes she went about things a little arse about face..does it make her a horrible child snatcher that you should be afraid of?

No.

The email to the school is totally potty (and a bit scary) not sure why you would do that to be honest.

[kawliga]

Chipping I x-posted there, there is no father in the situation. In theory he could show up but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do that. I still feel vulnerable though, maybe to an unreasonable extent. Just to confirm I don't think the CM would do an actual bad thing, but I felt like she disregarded me as the mother by going straight to the school. At any time she could easily have asked me if I would be ok with that and it's like the thought of checking what I think didn't even cross her mind.

[CaptainSweatPants]

Could you use an after school club instead??

[Lilacroses]

Crikey, what a cheek! Amazed at her behaviour and frankly amazed at the school's response. Even if a parent came and told me that a child needed to be picked up half an hour early every single day I would say "no, of course they can't, let's see if we can find another way to help you". You're not just allowed to pick your own hours!! The idea of their childminder coming and agreeing it and then the teacher informing the parent is bonkers! YANBU. I would sort it out with the CM and then with the school.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

It was high handed and not thinking about the child's needs. If a parent wanted to routinely take their child out of school early every day for reasons other than medical appointments, for instance, we'd think they wern't putting the child first.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

You seem very uncomfortable about her relationship with the school, I wouldn't be. There really is a limit to what they would disclose to her or allow her to do simply because of that - I really don't think you need to worry.

However, it would probably work out better if you found someone with less logistical issues & who doesn't have a connection with the school - for your own peace of mind.

Nothing terrible happened, have a and a and stop worrying x

[kawliga]

Tinyturtle I emailed the school because I just wanted to get in writing that it would NOT be ok for them to send my dd home early with anybody whether it's the CM or not! The teacher didn't look concerned and I was afraid they might not think it's a big deal after all that is my CM it's not a stranger so they might conceivably think it would be ok? I wanted to shout no it's not ok! Because I was shocked. I've calmed down now. I will have to send flowers in to the school to say sorry won't I. I'm embarrassed by that now but hey ho. I will behave more calmly next time.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

kawliga

Don't give yourself a hard time.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Yes, but as others have said, maybe she wanted to see what the school would say, before asking you if you would be OK with it. It would have been better to have done it the other way IMO but, as with most things in life, there really wasn't any harm in asking.

Why do you feel vulnerable?

Why do you think you should be more worried about this than say someone who is with the child's father? (not a judgement, but I think this goes much deeper than what has happend with the cm) You don't have to answer if you don't want to (of course not!) but it is something you might need to think about or it could seriously affect both your life and your DD's.

[Lilacroses]

Seriously OP, don't be embarrassed. I would be every bit as annoyed as you in the same situation and I am a teacher who works with parents and CMs all the time. I would never do something like that and I'm sure the teacher is great but to mention that to you in such a casual way IS out of order and indicates that she doesn't realise it's seriously out of order. You have every right to be pissed off.

[kawliga]

Thanks Captain and others who mentioned the after school club. Yes there is one at her school I could have dd go there while I think about what to do next.

Thanks Chipping for the tea and cake!