To expect my 19 yr old to stand on her own two feet?

[sooze41]

We have a 19 yr old away at Uni (2nd yr) who seems to be constantly asking for money. We have always insisted she worked part time from age 16, even though she wasn't keen ( I found her the first job through a friend) because we think its important for them to take some responsibility and earn some money of their own. When she went to Uni it took her three months to find a job because she didn't fancy doing this that or the other, and in the meantime we gave her an allowance to keep her afloat, as well as topping her rent up, in fact we had to cut the allowance in half to force her into getting a job, I am sure she would happily have carried on taking money from us indefinitely! She got a job which she fits in easily with Uni as they are only in lectures three days a week, and she earns a good wage from it, but because she likes to spend a lot on clothes/make up she is always asking us for top ups. Quite honestly, I am sick of the conflict, yes we can afford it, but if she budgeted properly she wouldn't need any extra ( we already pay £100 a month towards her rent as her loan doesn't cover it). It seems like all we are good for is money, she honestly can't understand why we expect her to budget and take care with her money, she thinks that as we can afford to give it to her we should! She can't grasp that we just want her to grow up and take responsibility and not keep expecting us to bail her out, and it's a constant source of tension. Anyone dealt with this issue?

[Floralnomad]

Perhaps rather than keep sending her bits and pieces of money you should just say to her that you have put X amount in an account ,perhaps including the rent top up ,and that is it for the term ,when it's gone its gone so don't ask for more because it won't be forthcoming . Then next term reduce the amount slightly and so on . My son is just going into his 3rd year and he works all weekend and a Thursday evening and it hasn't affected his degree at all ( reckons he's on course for a first )

[sooze41]

I'm not giving in, that's the problem! Although I help her out with occasional unexpected expenses I am forever getting involved in debates with her about why I should/shouldn't be giving her more money! I know she wastes far too much on clothes and make up and she thinks I am mean for not giving her extra money. From the replies I can see there is no right answer, half seem to think I should give her money so she doesn't have to work part time and can concentrate on her studies (although her part time job is relevant to her degree so i think its well worth hanging onto) and the rest think I am being too easy on her... ??

[vj32]

If she is asking you for money presumably she has spent her loans and maxed out her overdraft? I would be really concerned about this to be honest, especially if she is doing it now when she will just have received her loan payment etc. DH finished uni with a big overdraft, and no way to pay it back. Since then he has done a complete 360 where money is concerned and is now really careful, because he knows he has to be otherwise he gets in a mess.

I think she needs help with budgeting whether she likes it or not. Otherwise she could well start life properly as an adult on leaving uni with massive debts in addition to her SL debts.

[Cybercat]

YANBU I worked full time as part of my degree and had one day a week off as a study day - I had to use evenings and weekends to get my study hours in. I was very happy with my degree classification too.

I started working at 15 as a babysitter but went on to work as a waitress and also had a Saturday job. It taught me to value money and to budget. Your daughter strikes me as a little entitled and need to learn to live within her means.

[Cybercat]

University isn't all about academic education. She should be learning life skills too and budgeting is one of these skills.

[StrangeGlue]

Maybe it's not been quote clear to her. When I went to uni the rules were clear: my folks paid my fees and rent and I lived on my loan and worked holidays so no non-term time top up. V straight forward to understand.

Maybe she isn't clear how annoying this is for you as it's been variable (for good reason).

Are you sure you know how much she needs to live on? Might be worth looking up what the student loan company expect/recommend and say we'll give you this and nothing more.

I think it is hard to expect her to work and study and she will need some money from you regardless in order to get by. Maybe you both need to review what you think is reasonable.

[Catsize]

I find this odd. I had a student loan of £1500 a year in 1996-2000. Parents paid for accommodation, but food, clothes, books etc. came from the £1500. I managed. Make-up etc. is hardly essential. I would have been mortified to ask for hand-outs. Not sure why your daughter thinks she can do this. Yes, there were weeks when I had 30p, and had to get very creative food-wise, but I was proud of my independence. Good luck!

[MrsOakenshield]

golly, she does know that being a student means being creative with your money, doesn't she - £30 on make up and £50 on a skirt! Dream on, she needs to get herself down to the charity shops.

I was a student back in the days of grants - I didn't get a grant so my dad put in my account the same amount as a grant every term and that was it. I didn't work but it would never have occurred to me to expect any more money. And I was expected to get a job in the summer hols.

[invicta]

Maybe you have to be firm. She is used to you topping her up. Either do as Flora suggests by giving her a lump sum, and nothing more, or give her a regular allowance, and again, insist that that is all she is getting.

I'm also surprised that she earns enough to support herself. That's a lot to ask of a 19 year old.

[goinggetstough]

OP if your DD's loan doesn't cover her rent then you are expected (by the government) to contribute. I would though be very concerned about her attitude to money. However, if you are giving her an irregular amount each month then it would be difficult for her to budget.
My DCs receive £50 per week from all sources. They know that is what they have each week and if they require any more than that, that is their responsibility. A DC from a low income family would receive a loan, a grant and in some cases an additional grant from their university.

[IAmMiranda]

Jesus, I'm 22 and have lived alone and been completely financially dependant since I was 17. I would be mortified if I had to borrow money from my parents (and would pay it back as soon as I was able).

Seems like she has an air of entitlement from your OP, I agree with the poster above who said a month on noodles will probably go along way to her realising the value of money.

[IAmMiranda]

You basically end up doing nearly full time work hours of uni work, or you should if you want a decent degree - I worked completely FT during my degree (40-60 hours depending on the week) and got a first.

It's more than possible to have a job and study at the same time, at least a PT one.

I work near a Uni now and get very at the students going past moaning about how hard their life is because they had to get to a lecture for (gasp) ten in the morning or that the one day a week spent working at debenhams is hard work.

[littlewhitebag]

I am obviously out on a limb with this one but my DD has just gone into her fourth year at uni. I give her £70 per week for all her expenses and my DH pays her rent and her phone. I would not want her to get a job during term time, i would rather she worked hard at her studies and had a good social life. She has had a job every summer and uses what she saves towards clothes, travel and other more frivolous things. She is good at managing her money and would never ask for extra. She had a bit of an overdraft which she has paid off using her wages from her summer job. It was her responsibility to pay this off and she was fully aware of this.

[hermioneweasley]

You are doing her no favours, unless you are intending to subsidise her forever?

Agree with others saying sit down with her, go through her budget and explain that there is nothing more after her monthly allowance. Ever.

She should be saving up from that for bigger one off costs (like books at start of term)

[Ragwort]

Of course the vast majority of students can fit a p/t job in with their studies, unless you are doing medicine or law but even then you could do a couple of evenings babysitting - a nice warm house, possibly a meal and time to study .

I would hate to be subsidising my grown up child to enable them to buy clothes and make up. But then I am already very strict with my 12 year old who knows full well that he has to save and put money towards any expensive items he wants like a mobile phone or a playstation - this is why I am always amazed at the threads about the amount spent on children at christmas & birthdays, surely learning how to budget and understanding that you can't automatically have exactly what you want needs to start very young? but I am used to being called mean on the christmas threads

[Retroformica]

Get her one of those alvin hall books on budgeting. There must be one for students somewhere!

[5Foot5]

From the replies I can see there is no right answer, half seem to think I should give her money so she doesn't have to work part time and can concentrate on her studies (although her part time job is relevant to her degree so i think its well worth hanging onto) and the rest think I am being too easy on her...

Well I don't think it is all one thing or the other.

Definitely she should be learning how to budget and live within her means. However much you decide is reasonable to contribute to her expenses I think you should make it absolutely clear that when that is gone it is gone and she will just have to manage until the next month/term or however often you give her the money. Crikey I rarely spend £50 on a skirt and I earn a decent salary!

But I am one of those on the fence about expecting her to work during term time. No doubt she can, no doubt many people here have and still got excellent degrees etc. But I suppose I can't help looking back to my student days when we had grants instead of loans. My parents were not very well off so I got a full grant and that was enough for me to live on during term time without any thought of a job. In fact I cannot think of a single person I knew at University who did work for money. (Unless you count being a member of the OTC who were paid for training and going on weekend manoeuvres, but I think they did it primarily for the social life rather than the money) I guess I would like my DD to have a similar experience to me when the time comes.

[Somethingtothinkabout]

Of course you can work during term time at uni!

My God, come on! You're in uni about 20 hours a week (at most, usually) and you don't need to do that much extra study.

And yes, I did go to a proper uni, do a proper degree and get a good result. People doing law and medicine etc were the same, plenty of time for work and hobbies.

[frogwatcher42]

Nearly everybody I knew had a good job during uni and all managed to pass - most very well! I worked all through both my degree and MA - both holiday jobs at home and jobs whilst at uni. We managed to find plenty of time to party too!!!

I think it is an important part of growing up and being at uni - the working and learning to combine work and study and budget around it.

I think she needs to grow up and learn to budget and learn to combine work with study. If she needs more money she has to work longer hours and study around it, and socialise less. Simple choice.

[Beastofburden]

I think the only places where you are not allowed to work during term time are oxford and Cambridge, and even then the graduate students are allowed to work, it's just the undergraduates. I don't know about medical school. Many unis actually run an employment agency for their students to find work during term time.

[Beastofburden]

But the bottom line seems to be that the DD is well aware that her parents could afford to subsidise her, and she thinks its unfair that they make her live on a smaller income and level their money. There's no way past this until she understands that her future comfort depends on developing these skills.

[Beastofburden]

Level= keep, that was weird....

[Bonsoir]

I don't know where the OP's DD is at university, but I am not personally convinced by the argument that lecture-free days are days that are good for working for money. University is not school and students are supposed to be studying independently during the working week.