Nursery worker telling DD she's disgusting

[RiotsNotDiets]

DD (2.5) is potty training,

she's doing really well and is pretty much trained at home and when we go out, she has been having accidents at nursery though.

They have asked me to put her in pull ups, but I have said I'm not happy to do so for 3 reasons
1, because she has virtually no accidents at all with me, her dad or other family members looking after her.
2, because pull ups are just nappies, which I think will be confusing for her and will be a step back.
3, when DD started there they told me that whatever we did WRT potty training to tell them and they would do the same as me.

This was fine and they have been ok with her, and she'd stopped having accidents apart from the odd one. However the other day at nursery she had two accidents (poo) and the nursery worker who had been in told her dad to bring her in pull ups next time. And was saying "so we'll see you in pull ups next week won't we mini riot?" to DD.

Since then, every time DD uses the toilet or the potty, she tells me that it's dirty and disgusting to poo. She says that the nursery worker said so.


AIBU to think that the nursery worker is out of order for telling a child that they are dirty and disgusting for having completely natural bodily functions, and for ordering us to use pull ups when I've made it clear we're not happy to do so?

Also AIBU to think that she's in the wrong profession if she can't understand that we all had to learn sometime and that dealing with accidents is inevitable when you work with toddlers?

[pigletmania]

I agree riots, I think teir is more to it. They are asking her feel uncomfortable, for That i would move her to another nursery ASAP! Add tothat what she s telling you, please listen to her and up her somewhere more in tune with your values

[MyChildhoodInACottage]

I am not surprised! I wouldn't want to have a poo if someone was standing over me complaining about it being disgusting. I honestly can't believe the number of people who think that this is acceptable and who do it when their own DCs need a poo. I think some people need to stop and think how they would feel - and if the answer is humiliated and upset, then stop doing it.

[TakingThePea]

Personally I do think it makes a difference.
I say it in a silly voice to my daughter and she pulls a similar silly face and thinks it's hilarious.
Perhaps OP's daughter feels more sensitive about it because she hears/sees the conflicting talks between parents and nursery workers and knows it's about her/feels guilty.

I'm not at all sticking up for the nursery worker or justifying it just perhaps thinking of it from another angle - in which case the nursery worker maybe wasn't necessarily being as sinister as being made out on this thread.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I would be worried about the way the staff are(n't) communicating with you. I'd be asking to speak to the manager immediately.

[MyChildhoodInACottage]

It sounds as if I am having a go at you here, Pea, and that isn't my intention but while I'm sure your DD does find the silly voice funny, the words are still there, the message that you are producing something disgusting - and to be honest I think it is worse from a teacher. Growing up I would find my teenage brother complaining "the bathroom stinks!" funny, I would be mortified however if this happened if I used the toilet in a solicitor's office or my workplace!

I don't think it is sinister, I think it has been said in a similar vein to your own ritual with your DD but where we disagree I think is that I think it's awful to say to a child that doing something they can't help is disgusting.

[RiotsNotDiets]

so it's ok for nursery staff to tell DD her body's natural functions are disgusting and it's actually my fault for wanting them to show her a bit more respect?

What bollocks.

[internationallove985]

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. The nursery worker acted very unprofessional and had my child experienced this negativity whilst at nursery I would not think twice about going in and having a word. If she is has that attitude to a 2 year old baby, then she is in the wrong profession I.M.O. xx

[pointythings]

I'd be very at a nursery worker who couldn't cope with a few accidents, to be honest. I'd be similarly at a fellow parent who didn't want their PFB to be in an environment where other children had accidents - errrr... then don't put your child in nursery.

A good nursery should support what you're doing at home re potty training, especially if a course of action has been agreed. My DDs' (private) nursery certainly did, they were brilliant.

[Lilacroses]

Sorry, am guilty of not having read the entire thread but I agree with you OP. Those are not appropriate words to use AT ALL and I'm amazed that people think you are being PFB. I have had several much older children in my class that have frequent accidents like this and I've never told them it was dirty or disgusting. That is a completely unprofessional, uncaring approach to small children. Also, many small children are very articulate, and would be able to repeat words like this.

[TakingThePea]

Riots is that post aimed at me?

No where have I said it's your fault, I said perhaps DD can pick up on conflicting ideas between you and the practitioners and it's making her feel even more tense whilst there.

Lots of children are all "eww, smelly!" about pooing (I'm a primary school teacher, worked with lots of kids) and most of them find it very silly and funny as opposed to very embarrassed.

Granted, "disgusting" is a strong word and I agree with you it's not the best word choice, I just suggested the context it could have been said in as opposed to your title which implies that the practitioner told her SHE was disgusting.

Not sure why your reply post was so negative - I'm only offering an angle that the practitioner could have been coming from.

"Eew! Pooey digusting!" in a silly voice is a lot different to "YOU are disgusting" - this is the only point I'm trying to make.

[mynameismskane]

Time for a new nursery

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I also don't think the nursery worker saying "we will see you next time in pull ups" to your dd was very good practice either. How confusing that statement must have been for her as her dad picked her up. It should be left to parents to discuss that with their child.

[Ledkr]

Awfull, dd is the sane age and dry but still likes to pooh in a nappy, she also weed the sofa when she nodded off the other day so they now put a nappy on if she's going to nap.
They just do what needs to be done and she's happy.
You are paying a lot of money so ask for an appointment with the manager, that woman sounds vile.

[TakingThePea]

OP the point I was trying to make is similar to bearleft's - she's getting conflicting ideas/thoughts from nursery and home and it's making her tense/more sensitive to the situation

[SuffolkLatch]

How would pull-ups be "better" anyway? My dd is reliably potty trained for wees but not so good for poos. It's no more hassle changing her pants than a nappy though.

[RiotsNotDiets]

Yes, reading back I overreacted a bit pea sorry.

I'm getting a bit anxious about having to talk to the manager, and worried I'm not going to be taken seriously. I'm not happy with this sort of language being used WRT potty training, I'm also concerned that if the faces the staff have made when telling me that DD's had accidents are anything to go by they probably are making her feel dirty and disgusting when she does have them. Also the pull ups comment directed at DD was really out of order and the more I think about it the more annoyed I am.

I am worried the outcome of this will be that the nursery continue to act like this and I have to move DD. This will be really difficult for me as I am a full time student and rely on a childcare grant to help me pay. I don't think I could afford the fees while waiting for the new application to get in.

[TakingThePea]

No it's fine, she's your child, we get very defensive! I wasn't sure if my point was coming across correctly!

You could have a chat with the staff and say since her accidents at nursery she has become really anxious and worried about pooing and keeps using the word 'disgusting'. Ask them to make going to the toilet as normal as possible, make it a jolly/normal thing with smiles! Hopefully she would respond better to this!

[valiumredhead]

OP have you posted about this situation before, the nursery wanting dd in pull ups but you refusing?

I would have a quiet chat with the nursery but wouldn't take a 2 year old's word as gospel.

[kali110]

I was just thinking that valium

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Ds nursery refuse to use pull ups, like they are 'evil'! to me it's all a bit academic and there is no 'right' way to do it, it's what's right for the child and the parents.

I broke all the rules of the way nursery wanted to do potty training. I trained him gently, first only in the house, then increasing time, house w trousers on not just pants, outside short trips then fully outside.

It worked really well for my Ds as he gets incredibly upset if he makes a 'mistake' (general perfectionist character which causes issues for him in many ways poor love), also he wasn't happy at nursery and didn't feel he could ask them for help, so I needed to get him really confident before we let him loose at nursery. It was a great way to do it for my little boy.

Nursery were unimpressed to say the least! They wanted to be able to tell me when he was potty training (vs me telling them we re starting, he only goes 2 days a week ffs). Their method was Straight into proper pants (not even training pants! And pull ups are the work of the devil!), they then asked for 10-15 pairs of pants to be brought in, as their plan was to let them keep wetting themselves until they learnt! Errr... So deliberately make them fail and wet/ dirty their pants. I kept saying no, when he's ready we'll be doing it a different way, but let's talk about that when the time is right.

They kept trying to do it 'on the sly' and I'd get messages demanding this huge bag of pants in now... And the final straw came when I'd phoned to say he has a couple of spots but not sure if chicken pox, what to do? They said to bring him in & they'd look & decide.

My nanny brought him in & she had real trouble getting then to even talk to her, they pushed the potty training and nanny said a form no (ongoing thing so nanny had been
Pracfising ways to say no to people who dont want yo hear it), and they said theyd check in a minute about the spots, and shut the door on her!

I get a phone call 5 mins later 'your nanny said you'd started potty training so we're doing it now but why haven't you brought the bag of pants!' errr... My nanny did not say that and did ask about the chi ken pix... Oh well that's not what I was told, your nanny absolutely said its starting today and huffs off the phone. (I phone nanny just to check and she was seriously pissed off with them, we def singing from same hymn sheet there)

Manager phones up 'why have you been rude to one of my staff?! He's starting potty training and yet you've brought no pants and I've had 40yrs experience I think you ll find I know best' ... 'err, so nothing about potty training was mentioned to the nursery today. He even has a nappy on if you'd care to check, why are you all obsessing over this when we actually need to talk about chicken pox!'

Turns out she didn't know about the chicken pox, horrified to see Ds happily playing in the main room with the other kids. They look at the spots, more had come out even in that time and was obviously chicken pox' I asked why no one had checked, they said someone had looked at him through a window into the room and decided he was fine... Ffs! The original spot was on his tummy!

Idiot staff had done entirely the wrong thing about chicken pox and as for the ficking potty training... Arghhh!

So to get to my point...!

Potty training can show up problems with a nursery, as it requires them getting more involved with the child and respecting the parents wishes.

I had a bad time with Ds nursery which was exacerbated by the potty training thing... I went in and had a serious talk with the manager. I had to make a big deal out of it as she refused to take it seriously at first and did alot of fobbing off and sticking up for her staff. I did persist and once she realised that I had a serious complaint to make she changed tactics and actually listened, and made a really good effort to sort things out. My Ds ended up moving rooms as I felt I couldn't trust the staff in the toddler room no matter how much apologizing they did (it wasn't just potty training!). They moved him up immediately and are making a brilliant effort to settle him in and also improve the relationship with me as well.

In my case, there was one 'bad' room with awful staff in it, within a good nursery. In that case, it's worth trying to get them working better with you & dd. however, if the manager is anything like the awful staff that I had a problem with... Then I think you have a problem.

I know it would be a nightmare moving nurseries, but if they continue to be awful, I think it's better to bite the bullet, and do it. Can you make a plan that you can swing into action if necessary... Eg how to cover the fee if there was a gap...

[pigletmania]

I would talk tothe manger, if you are still not happy move nurseries before tey give her big issues, you hevsaid that it's only at nursery where she has the accidents, coupled with what she has been telling you. Toddlers do not just come out with things like tat unless they have heard it from someone!

[RiotsNotDiets]

double how strange!

I think that accidents do help at first, with nappies they can't tell if they're wet etc, so it helps them understand cause and effect. But it's completely wrong to go against your wishes like that.

I'm not sure if I've posted about it before, but as I've said in previous posts I have had an issue with them telling me to use pull ups before, so I might have done.

I'd be financially fucked if I had to move nurseries and I'd have to wait for about a month before I could afford it (hopefully by which time she'd have managed to overcome this and be fully trained at nursery too) so it'd be pointless.

[pigletmania]

Well riots what if the issues dont get resolved? I would look for other nurseries anyway, but if it continues you might have to fr the Sake of your dd

[kali110]

Are u the poster who said the nursery was unhappy because your dd is having accidents most days and theyre fed up?

[RiotsNotDiets]

I don't think so Kali I can't see any other threads I've started about this.

I've been in anyway, I spoke to the member of staff who DD mentioned. I just said that DD had been anxious having poos all weekend and kept saying it was dirty and disgusting, the nursery worker looked quite embarrassed and didn't mention pull ups.

I didn't really know what else to do, as I didn't want a big confrontation and they don't really like you to stick around for long.

DD loves going to this nursery and has a lot of friends there, and the pull ups/potty training incidents are the only issues I've had with them, so hopefully the nursery worker will have realised that DD takes things like that to heart and be a bit more encouraging. I think one or two good days at nursery, where she's supported and encouraged properly would be enough for DD to be dry at nursery from then on. Like I said she is fully potty trained at home, on days out and being looked after by other people, so I think this is purely a mental block which she will quickly get over with encouragement.