Nursery worker telling DD she's disgusting

[RiotsNotDiets]

DD (2.5) is potty training,

she's doing really well and is pretty much trained at home and when we go out, she has been having accidents at nursery though.

They have asked me to put her in pull ups, but I have said I'm not happy to do so for 3 reasons
1, because she has virtually no accidents at all with me, her dad or other family members looking after her.
2, because pull ups are just nappies, which I think will be confusing for her and will be a step back.
3, when DD started there they told me that whatever we did WRT potty training to tell them and they would do the same as me.

This was fine and they have been ok with her, and she'd stopped having accidents apart from the odd one. However the other day at nursery she had two accidents (poo) and the nursery worker who had been in told her dad to bring her in pull ups next time. And was saying "so we'll see you in pull ups next week won't we mini riot?" to DD.

Since then, every time DD uses the toilet or the potty, she tells me that it's dirty and disgusting to poo. She says that the nursery worker said so.


AIBU to think that the nursery worker is out of order for telling a child that they are dirty and disgusting for having completely natural bodily functions, and for ordering us to use pull ups when I've made it clear we're not happy to do so?

Also AIBU to think that she's in the wrong profession if she can't understand that we all had to learn sometime and that dealing with accidents is inevitable when you work with toddlers?

[Ihatepeas]

As a ex nursery worker and nanny I have trained many children in my time.
Firstly IMO you are completely right about the pull up issue. ( I HATE pull ups) stick to your guns!!
Secondly, it is completely normal for children to have more accidents at nursery where there is lots of children and intresting activities little ones just forget and to be fair to the staff it is a lot harder to keep track who been and how long ago when you have lots of children to supervise. So please don't worry it will come it just takes time!
Thirdly to the doubters I have known any 2.5 yo who can comunicate fluently.

HOWEVER saying all that, I think calling your dd discusting is completely inappropriate and I would be speaking to the manager.

[Frozenjellybeans]

It's (sadly) pretty normal for recently potty trained children to have 'accidents' at nursery. They get carried away whilst playing and are not really able to ask to go to the loo in a busy social setting like a nursery.

DC potty trained quickly and we have never had any accidents at home not even at night night but she did have the a few at nursery especially when playing out in the garden. I would a serious word with your dc's key worker and if they don't work with you after that (rather than prescribing pull ups) put in an official complaint. I learned the hard way and know now that is important to complain to your child care provider if you are unhappy. Good luck

[JCDenton]

I'd certainly want to get to the bottom of this but a two year old may have got the wrong end of the stick. They may well be exactly right and words need to be had with the nursery, but I wouldn't hit the roof and go in hard just yet.

[Frozenjellybeans]

Oh also try to counteract what anyone else might say re toilet training to your dd. For example praise her warmly and enthusiastically (not fake though!) for making a poo and try to look suitably impressed and appreciative. Say things like that was a greeeeeat poo, well done shall we put it away in the loo together, would you like to flash the loo etc. and smile. If your dd mentions the nursery nurse in this way again explain to dd that nursery nurse has made a mistake and that you as her mum know that dd is not disgusting but is doing really great. Or something along these lines...

[MotherofBear]

Do you think she could have said that pooing her knickers is disgusting, rather than actually calling your DD disgusting? Still not right, and I'd complain for sure either way. They should be more than able to cope with a few accidents without making snide or nasty comments.

[kali110]

How about you speak calmly to
Nursery and find out what actually happened first rather than taking the word of a litte one as gospel?think poster above has it right and that the nursery probably said pooing her nickers was disgusting.

[NicknameIncomplete]

I wouldnt go in all guns blazing. I would go in, sit down with the staff & see what you can do to help your child.

The nursery worker could have said that it is dirty & disgusting to poo in your underwear(which it is). And your child has taken that as it is dirty and disgusting to poo.

[mycatlikestwiglets]

I second (third?!) that it's totally normal for an otherwise potty trained child to have more accidents at nursery. They are easily distracted and don't necessarily have the facilities right on hand to remind them to go (at my DS' nursery they have to be taken out of the room so accidents can also happen if there isn't a member of staff available to supervise those left behind).

YANBU that the nursery should be able to manage this - I'd start by asking them to take your DD to the toilet more often and to encourage her to stay for longer to ensure she's finished each time. I know my DS tends to have (rare) poo accidents within a few minutes of a toilet trip and I suspect it's because the staff don't believe him when he says he needs to go again.

[DeWe]

A 2yo doesn't always relay information correctly.

I used to go "yuck, eugh, disgusting, horrid..." holding my nose when they were pooing on the toilet at toilet training, and when changing dirty nappies. It was a joke, and they took it as such with lots of giggles.

Ds used to shout "come and wipe my bottom. It's disgusting..." when he was sitting on the toilet. I'd come in and he'd be in fits of giggles as I pretended to find it too horrid to look.

[RiotsNotDiets]

DD is a very clear speaker, I didn't want to stealth boast in the OP but she has always been very advanced in her speech and I get comments on it wherever we go. Since Thursday (the last time she was in nursery) she has been saying things like "I've done a poo, err dirty, I'm disgusting" whenever she does a poo. I've been mostly trying not to make an issue of it and telling her that she is not disgusting at all, and that everybody poos. This morning I asked her why she thinks it's disgusting and she said "(nursery worker's name) says it is disgusting" She doesn't know anyone else with that name either.

I'm also not surprised that the nursery worker has said this as my ex said she had been very snotty about the accidents and looked revolted when telling him to put her in pull ups. I have had a similar experience with another member of staff making cats bum faces and complaining loudly about it in front of DD.

Her dad and I do not use words like dirty and disgusting when talking about potty training (or anything else DD does) and we are very positive and encouraging so there is no where else she has picked up this language.

I would think that a child who had 2 accidents every day was not ready to potty train, however, as I have said in previous posts, she is fully potty trained day and night at home, the only place she has accidents is at nursery.

[soapboxqueen]

I think you need to investigate the context of what was said before making any judgements. While your child may be advanced in her vocabulary, she will not be advanced in nuance and social interaction. Most adults aren't.

Usually I would have said that she was not ready to be in underwear but if she is trained elsewhere, then the nursery need to be encouraging her during the day so that she doesn't get distracted.

[allforoneandoneforall]

I wouldn't want my child at nursery to be around other children freely pooing without a nappy or pull up pants on! It's unhygenic for the rest of the children and uncomfortable for the child involved. What's wrong with having a safety net in place for a child who is obviously NOT fully potty trained yet?

[JerseySpud]

Whilst your dd might be ready at home she might be too distracted at nursery to remember to go.

I don't see what the big fuss about pull ups is

[Cookethenook]

I would go and enquire about this incident, but def don't go in with all guns blazing, there's a fair chance that your DD has got the wrong end of the stick.

DS came home one day saying that he had been eating sausage rolls at nursery. He's a vegetarian and so i was pretty angry. He was very insistent that this actually happened (he's a bright one as well, so i was convinced he was right). Anyway, i went in and asked what the heck was going on and the teacher said that there was no way it could have happened as they don't have any sausage rolls, but he HAD been playing with the pretend food... which had a sausage roll in it... I learnt my lesson!

[Cookethenook]

Also, have you considered reusable toddler pants? Feel and look like real pants, but are waterproof so any accidents can't get out. They can also feel wetness or poo in them, so they know if they've had an accident. Mama Mio do good ones.

[RiotsNotDiets]

I'm going to ask about it, rather than go in angry, but I can't see how it would ever be ok for a member of staff to use words like disgusting and dirty anyway. It's not good practice to make children feel bad about themselves.

I did buy some of those pants but she found them restrictive and uncomfortable so we didn't use them again. I am annoyed that they told me they were happy to do whatever we were doing and are now trying to pressure me into doing something which I have clearly stated I'm not happy with.

[soapboxqueen]

I had to tell my ds that poo was dirty and smelly because he liked to play with it.

I appreciate your dd wasn't doing that. I'm just saying there are circumstances for pretty much everything.

[ilovecolinfirth]

I wouldn't doubt that she has learned the words disgusting and dirty, because my son was saying those words at an early age. However, don't leap in with thinking she was told SHE is disgusting and dirty. It's probably a comment made about poo in general, which although we all do it, is still not pleasant. If your child has attempted to put her fingers in the poo she may have been told 'no, don't touch that, poo is disgusting'. Possibly not the most subtle, but not the same as 'you are disgusting'.

On another note, it's not unreasonable to expect the nursery to deal with a child in pants. My son went into pants as soon as he started toilet training, and I think he was trained quickly because of that. He soon learnt.

[TiggyD]

There are many more distractions in a nursery than at home so it usually takes longer to be reliable there. I think all good nursery workers look down on pull ups. They're basically nappies. Useful in case of emergencies but many children just treat them as nappies and poo/wee in them.

[pigletmania]

Yanbu at all, what an appealing thing to say. You need to have a word with the nursery manager to find out

[pigletmania]

Allforone with that attitude your dc should not be in a place with Chidren, as you will find tat where teir are young children, even at school Chidren will have the occasional accident

[TakingThePea]

Do you think it's more likely she was being like "ugh smelly poo yucky disgusting!" I'm silly like that when my 18 month old poos. In a silly voice way.

I doubt she said to your daughter "you pooed, YOU are disgusting" ......?


Agree they shouldn't be asking for pull ups if she's doing well......

[MyChildhoodInACottage]

you see in the example cited by soapboxqueen I would be inclined to say "we don't touch poo, touching poo can make us poorly."

I know too many people with bowel issues that began with an incident like this in early childhood. It annoys me. I have Crohns, I have to empty my bowels in public toilets because I get the urge to go urgently but I have had people laughing at me, pulling faces and acting like I did something foul and wrong.

In a park fair enough but a toilet?

In short YANBU, I would be upset if anyone said this to my DCs

[MyChildhoodInACottage]

TakingThePea - does it matter? I wouldn't want someone commenting like that about the loo after I'd been in it, I'm sure my poos don't smell very pleasant but I can't help that. I would feel embarrassed and quite flustered and upset if someone did that to me - it wouldn't make an iota of difference if they said the poo was disgusting or I was.

I certainly doubt a 2 year old would be able to draw the distinction either.

Can you imagine how humiliated you would feel if you had to go into hospital, lost control of your bowels and nurses said "ugh, smelly, disgusting!" as they cleaned you up? I'm sure you wouldn't like that, so why do it to your child? They are only children, they can't help it that someone needs to assist them in wiping their bottoms or that they sometimes have accidents.

Some of the attitudes on this thread have really surprised me, and upset me thinking about my own DCs at nursery, I would hate anyone to be delivering a monologue on how horrific their poo smelled if they needed the toilet

[RiotsNotDiets]

cottage that's how I feel about it, I don't think it's nice to use words like dirty and disgusting in this context as it can make the child feel uncomfortable and self conscious.

DD has been at a family friend's house all day today, she's never been without me before, there were 2 other toddlers there and they had a very busy day, yet she didn't have a single accident. Which makes me think that it's not that she's too busy to remember but instead feels uncomfortable going to the toilet around staff who make a big deal out of it and say it's dirty and disgusting. I think she must be holding it in until she's desperate which makes me feel very sad for her.