To consider marrying this man for his money?

[PracticalGirl89]

Evening MN,

I've obviously namechanged and I'll try to keep this concise.

Basically, In my culture all girls generally used to have arranged marriages, in the past 60 years or so though, finding your own mate has become more and more common. (Not forced marriage, btw but arranged as in the woman's parents arrange introductions to a series of 'suitable' vetted men and she marries the one she is most compatible with.)

Marriage has not been a priority for me so far as I've been focusing more on university and my career, but I'm 24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life.

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc. He was quite persistent and eventually
my parent's told me about him and would I be interested in speaking with him. I was intrigued, said sure and they gave him my number.

He called me on Friday and introduced himself, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could have dinner. He seemed nice enough and my parents liked him so I agreed, we met up last night and he was lovely- mid 30s, 6'2 , reserved, kind & attractive in a bookish scholar way. He wouldn't talk about his work though, when I asked him what he did for a living he said he was in the medical technology industry but that all he had talked about for the past month was work and he wanted to talk about something different, fair enough. The rest of the evening went well and we made plans to meet again on Tuesday.

I googled him when I came home (as you do) because I had his full name then and found out that his net worth is in the hundreds of millions! I don't want this to be identifiable but I'll say that people in the medical technology industry will have heard of him for sure. He apparently invented some piece of technology, patented it then started his own company at a very young age. He neglected to mention this to either me or my parents and in a small way I feel a bit deceived - when was he going to mention that to me?

I'm feeling conflicted now, I would have seen him again, even if he was just an technician or engineer or whatever because he was a gentleman but the fact that he is rich & driven has swayed me a lot in his favor. Is that insincere? I have read up on him as there are features on him, and his lifestyle is freaking amazing tbh (and I want to be part of that )

Will he think I googled him if I act differently in spite of myself, the next time I see him? Is it wrong for me to decide to marry someone because they are rich?

(I have ideas for a business that I'd like to set up and charities that I'd like to open and all that would be possible if I married this man, if that makes any difference.)

[HairyGrotter]

If you can't marry for love, marry for money

[claudedebussy]

be open and honest is my advice. tell him you thought he was being cagey so you did some investigation. would he like to tell you himself now? i do think you have to look past the money to the man, which i know you know. but seriously. the money glow will soon wear off if he's an arsehole, believe me. it's just not worth it.

[Fakebook]

What about his family? Does he have parents, brothers/sisters? Wouldn't you like to meet them too and see what kind of family they are and how he acts around them before marrying him for his money? I think it's a bit strange he keeps coming alone to meet your parents. Unless in your culture the groom's family don't meet the bride's?

[LessMissAbs]

I just find this thread really distasteful, from the title to the stealth boasting about the OP's supposed philanthropic charitable interests.

In my culture, its considered beyond the pail to boast about money, wealth and talk about it in such blatant term, even if you are a billionaire. Also, in my culture, its considered best not to blow your own trumpet, and in the unlikely event that a person was a great philanthropist at the age of 24, to go about your deeds quietly and without attracting attention. And the latter goes for personal relationships too.

Marrying for money is immoral. Marry for love or at least attraction. Money is irrelevant in the grand scheme of life as long as you have enough for your basic needs.

[1chocolatetart]

I hope those judgey pants aren't giving you a wedgie there LessMissAbs

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I think Mumsnet is probably the wrong place to put this question. Most of us are British and so have no comprehension of an arranged marriage. To me, how you have described the meeting etc is as wired as:-

Meet a bloke through a sports club. Become friends. Get drunk together one night. Suddenly realise you are standing close enough to kiss him. Suddenly realise you want to kiss him. Go "oh shit" (as you have a boyfriend). Dump aforementioned boyfriend. Start going out with bloke. Fall in love. Have lots of great sex. Get engaged. Get married.

Sounds to you.

If I was advising someone who was of the same background as me then I'd tell you to stop "putting the cart before the horse", go out with him a few times and see what happens.

But he's proposed so you thinking about marriage is hardly "cart before horse" material.

Very confusing!

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Weird not wired!

[fuzzywuzzy]

I think the comments are pretty balanced and sensible.

Don't marry for his bank balance alone, he might be an arse.

Sound advice regardless of culture.

[Leopoldina]

one of my dearest friends inherited a reasonable amount of cash (a few million) and became VERY odd about money. She met a man at a party who told her he was a builder. She went home with him and STILL didn't click that not too many builders have little SW3 town houses and it wasn't for a few days he admitted he was a mega banker. He didn't want to be gold-dug and that's why he didn't tell the truth. She didn't need to gold dig and knew she liked him as a builder so his (substantially greater than hers) wealth was irrelevant. They all lived happily ever after. I can understand why he wouldn't brag to you.

[flowery]

Um. In this day and age surely it would be more shocking if you hadn't Googled him? Surely he will be assuming you will have done so?

[zatyaballerina]

If you are attracted to him, like his personality and character, enjoy his company and think you would work well together as a couple then why not? As long as it's not just for the money, you wouldn't want to marry a man who turned out to be cruel or abusive, or one who was really boring.

People come as packages, intelligence, humour, money, status, looks are all pluses.

[KittyLane1]

What are you waiting for OP?!

If I were you I would be telling him next time he takes me out he had better bring a ring!

Handsome, sweet, hard working, successful and he wants to marry you? Grab him OP! X

[KittyLane1]

Really OP how many other men like him are you expecting to come knocking on your door?

( if any more men like him do knock on your door, il pm you my number and you can send them my way)

[Loa]

And are you 100% sure he is the main man at the company & you're not putting 2 + 2 together & coming out with 5? Could be embarrassing!

I was wondering this - perhaps a family member with a similar name owning the company?

It sounds like the money is more of a turn off than everything - bringing you feeling of not being adequate. Tell him you were curious and goggled and are not sure what to make of what you found.

Then ignore the money and think about him and check you are on the same page with other important stuff.

[festered]

I agree with stonehaven.

I also believe the phrase 'A person who marries for money will earn every penny of it'.

Date him. See how it goes, get to know him-if you think after doing that, that you couldn't be happy with him-then It's time to reconsider.

If you LIKE him, then no-YANBU.

[Hissy]

Now you know that he's able to support a family for example, you need to get to know who he really is.

How does he treat waiters/waitresses? How strict is he with religion? How does he treat his mother/sisters/family?

You need to make sure that he's not coaxing YOU into a golden cage.

He has to understand that this is not just a matter of him waiting for as long as it takes for you to agree to his wishes, this is a matter of you deciding if he's acceptable to you as a man.

The money is immaterial. Men from the Middle East have a famous reputation where women are concerned, in many, many ways, you'd be better off with a western man.


he has to prove to YOU that he's a good enough man for you to marry.

Don't ever compromise on this!

[onefewernow]

I know it is usual in some European countries.

I think the money is immaterial.

I would see him some and make a decision on personality. He may work out or not.

Many love matches are a disaster too.

[Teapigging]

OP, the thing you said about how, given that this man has had a chance to pursue his own career dreams, so you're sure he won't stop you pursuing yours, sounds very naive to me. This man, who is free to choose a wife how he likes, has opted for a semi-'arranged' situation, approaching your parents and not you, studying you from afar etc, which to me suggests he is conservative socially, and perhaps religiously.

That may extend to his ideas about married women working, especially as his wealth may mean he thinks you 'don't need to work'. Think very carefully before you marry him, and talk these things through before committing. Will he expect you to stay at home and look after children? Do you even want children, and if so, when, if you need to put in long hours at work now? Will he wait five years or so to allow you to get established? Is wealth worth the end of everything you ave studied for?

[Beastofburden]

I would say that in the context of a marriage that is arranged/ sponsored by the community, you will have more advice open to you than just ours. I am sure your parents will also want to make an assessment of him- you say you trust your father's judgement.

Is it possible for either you or your father to ask him why he is divorced? I would want to know, personally, what happened last time he got married. How long were they married, who was she, what went wrong? That would give you a good sense of the golden cage risk. In the context of family involvement and scrutniy of your choice of husband, it may be something your dad could do rather than you.

I don't think you ought to be too freaked out by the money. Think of what Melissa Gates has made possible, turing the microsoft millions towards eradication of maleria. You dont have to be rich on other people's terms, you can be yourself still. I know people are saying he may be conservative- but he's not all that conservative if he's divorced, is he? Perhaps he was badly let down before and wants someone decent and honourable this time, so he's trying the old ways.

[Latara]

The thing that stands out to me is the age gap of more than 10 years.
Are you sure you'd have that much in common?
I'm 37 and would never date a man of 24.

[Snatchoo]

Well he didn't tell you because he knew you would get giddy about this 'fabulous lifestyle' surely?

Date him and see how it pans out. It can be fucking tedious being married to someone you do like sometimes, so if you married him and found out you hated him it would be awful!

[Branleuse]

dont marry him for his money. Try and imagine him not having any money and whether he seems like he would make a good husband and has the qualities you would enjoy as a partnership.
There is nothing wrong with trying to find out more about him, and googling him. that was sensible. Dont beat yourself up about it. The fact that youre worried about it, is because youre nice and arent as materialistic as some, who wouldnt even give it a second thought except delight at the thought of money.

Try and concentrate on his other qualities. of course money will be more comfortable than no money, but youre a working person in your own right, and you were considering finding a husband in this way anyway.
I would go on another date. Hes obviously liked you for a long time. You liked him before you even knew about the money, so it was already positive to begin with x

[78bunion]

Check he really is that person. There is quite a bit of deception goes on with arranged marriages, people pretending to have MBAs or not disclosing they have disabilities because they are a result of a first cousin marriage or not being the caste they say. You need to check it out.

Secondly, he might want a pre nup so you get very little on divorce or if Muslim some kind of marriage contract nikah? who means you don't get much. Also would be be happy for you to carry on working full time when babies come? Would he consider being your househusband? Is he feminist enough?

Big age gaps do not tend to work too well.
Make sure you do company searches and get the accounts of his companies too,. Check the ownership. Sometimes you believe the person owns the shares but in fact his mother owns 98% and the son doesn't own much so on divorce you get very little. Another issue can be if the rights are registered for the patent is registered not in his name but another family members - do a search of the patent once you have the number to see if his company owns it and the name of the inventor and if he owns the shares in that company.

[EldritchCleavage]

Try and ignore the money and take things back a step. The good news is, there is enough money for you to have security if you do marry him.

He could be richer than the Saudi king and you could still end up miserable. You don't want that and presumably neither does he. So what do you need to know to satisfy yourself that you've got similar or compatible values, philosophy and outlook that will give you the best chance of making it work?

My friend had an arranged marriage. They were compatible left to themselves, but their problem was his family (genuinely awful parents, I actually run and hide from them if they pop up) and disagreements about how to deal with that have taken years to resolve and still flare up occasionally.

This is the kind of thing you need to be thinking about now, not whether if you married him he'd give you the money to do x, y or z.