To consider marrying this man for his money?

[PracticalGirl89]

Evening MN,

I've obviously namechanged and I'll try to keep this concise.

Basically, In my culture all girls generally used to have arranged marriages, in the past 60 years or so though, finding your own mate has become more and more common. (Not forced marriage, btw but arranged as in the woman's parents arrange introductions to a series of 'suitable' vetted men and she marries the one she is most compatible with.)

Marriage has not been a priority for me so far as I've been focusing more on university and my career, but I'm 24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life.

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc. He was quite persistent and eventually
my parent's told me about him and would I be interested in speaking with him. I was intrigued, said sure and they gave him my number.

He called me on Friday and introduced himself, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could have dinner. He seemed nice enough and my parents liked him so I agreed, we met up last night and he was lovely- mid 30s, 6'2 , reserved, kind & attractive in a bookish scholar way. He wouldn't talk about his work though, when I asked him what he did for a living he said he was in the medical technology industry but that all he had talked about for the past month was work and he wanted to talk about something different, fair enough. The rest of the evening went well and we made plans to meet again on Tuesday.

I googled him when I came home (as you do) because I had his full name then and found out that his net worth is in the hundreds of millions! I don't want this to be identifiable but I'll say that people in the medical technology industry will have heard of him for sure. He apparently invented some piece of technology, patented it then started his own company at a very young age. He neglected to mention this to either me or my parents and in a small way I feel a bit deceived - when was he going to mention that to me?

I'm feeling conflicted now, I would have seen him again, even if he was just an technician or engineer or whatever because he was a gentleman but the fact that he is rich & driven has swayed me a lot in his favor. Is that insincere? I have read up on him as there are features on him, and his lifestyle is freaking amazing tbh (and I want to be part of that )

Will he think I googled him if I act differently in spite of myself, the next time I see him? Is it wrong for me to decide to marry someone because they are rich?

(I have ideas for a business that I'd like to set up and charities that I'd like to open and all that would be possible if I married this man, if that makes any difference.)

[Samnella]

Put the money to the back of your mind and get to know him. Time will tell.


Good luck.

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

I thought orthodox Jew too. It was the charity work that made me think this.

Anyhow good luck, let us know if you get married

[PracticalGirl89]

Thank you Samnella My grandmother keeps snapping at me asking if I am 'touched in the head' because I have had the dopiest smile on my face since last night. Hahaha :D

[PracticalGirl89]

HarderToKidnap Close enough, my Orthodox Jewish girlfriends and I have so much in common. More commonalities than differences actually.

Elizabeta I will

[kerala]

Ooh I had this. I didn't marry him, dh jokes I am a hopeless gold digger! Would have been nice to have a surname plastered all over central London streets and cinemas but much happier with dh (honestly)

[Doinmummy]

You say that he asked your parents if he could marry you before he met you so he can't be that bothered about you possibly being a gold digger otherwise he would have been a bit less hasty with a proposal.

And if he asked your parents for your hand in marriage would they have not asked about his background / finances etc?

I'm a cynic I know

Get to know him properly and see how it goes x

[kerala]

Did hear a saying once "if you marry for money you earn every penny"

[WorraLiberty]

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc.

See even with the different culture, I find that ^^ creepy.

He's basically been looking at you and studying you without your knowledge, long enough to decide he actually wants to marry you, without even saying hello.

You need to find out more about him...not his money or his business but him as a person.

After all, your parents weren't particularly impressed with him until he wore them down.

He might of course be a lovely guy, or he might have form for this sort of behaviour...who knows?

Is there a way you can speak to his friends, colleagues, family etc?

[sarahtigh]

I might be wrong in my guess but if something like orthodox judaism it will be culturally acceptable to meet up with him alone but in public ie restaurant maybe 5-10 times over a month or two but then there will be the expectation of a decision and a marriage

I really do not think for OP there is an option of dating for a year or two and seeing how it goes with this man

[WorraLiberty]

And if he asked your parents for your hand in marriage would they have not asked about his background / finances etc?

And this too ^^

Surely he would have proved to/convinced your parents that he's financially successful?

[sarahtigh]

in many cultures worra they would not meet at all or perhaps a chance to talk quietly at the other end of the living room but always with chaperon so that he found out about her and spoke to her parents first would not be considered creepy but normal and respectful

[SugarHut]

That's a very good point Worral. When the suitor in an arranged marriage "seek a hand," the parents absolutely vet them. His family, his job, his past, his finances.

So are we saying your parents knew this, and chose not to tell you??

[PracticalGirl89]

crescentmoon I just watched the trailer for that movie, it looks so heart-warming, I will definitely recommend it :)
About my attitudes and expectations towards marriage and love, what I expect are kindness, respect, and to be provided for. I believe God places love in the hearts of a couple. I'm not expecting a Hollywood melodrama but a secure & strong life partnership.

Doinmummy My parent's asked him and he told them about his philanthropy and the organizations he's set up and his religious commitments etc. But they are not crass (like me)and didn't pry into his financial situation bar asking him if he was in work and was he solvent and capable of providing for a family. He told them he worked for X company, not that it was his company.

[WorraLiberty]

Yes I know what you're saying sarahtigh but to study someone closely enough in this way, without even saying hello (hello would be perfectly acceptable) is just...I don't know a bit of a 'violation' for want of a better word?

I'm quite sure there was nothing stopping him from at least saying 'hi'.

It's just weird imo, even taking the cultural thing into account.

[fabergeegg]

I really think you should explain your situation to him.

Say this is dreadful to have to talk about but you didn't want to have things unsaid. Apologise but say you were interested after your date and googled him (it's flattering). You were very surprised to find out how significant his work had been and felt perhaps he hadn't wanted to share much with you after all because it hadn't been mentioned. But then you realised the financial implications and realised that of course he wouldn't tell you because he would want to be accepted for who he was. Explain that you are very flawed and you know it's wrong, but you're ashamed to admit that you then did start to consider the different ways that you would use money - all things you've thought of before, but they began to come back to your mind. Specify them - it says a lot about you that it's not bling. It's not that you aren't very interested but there hasn't been time to get to know him, and now that you have this information, it's hard to know how to go forward. You think that if anything were to happen between you, you'd have to take it very slowly for quite a while, and prove to yourself and to him that it's love and not anything materialistic. You've never known anyone this wealthy before and it's unsettling. You want to be able to love your husband but you also want to be able to do a lot of good in the world, and you're only human. You wouldn't want him to share his lifestyle with you in any way for a long time so your feelings can be clear to yourself.

He knows you're a moral person. You wouldn't be able to be happy if you did this any other way, I think. Start with honesty because otherwise you'll always be lonely. If he doesn't want to go ahead, no harm done.

[WorraLiberty]

He told them he worked for X company, not that it was his company

Well I'm sorry but I smell a rat here.

If you're going to rock up to a pair of strangers and ask to marry their daughter whom you've never even met, surely to god you're going to tell them you own the company you work for?

Why wouldn't he?

[PracticalGirl89]

sarahtigh
I really do not think for OP there is an option of dating for a year or two and seeing how it goes with this man

You are right, two years of dating isn't what I'm looking for & it's not really an option.

[mrsjay]

maybe he wasnt a woman girlfriend who doesn't want him for his multi milions just a thought If you liked him then see him again you dont need to marry him next week or anything see how it goes I can't see your culture insisting you marry within the next few weeks, see the man again see how it goes, it sounds like you are thinking of it as some sort bussiness deal

[WorraLiberty]

Well make sure you background check him properly and meet his family/friends/colleagues before deciding anything OP.

It's just basic safety.

Good luck and I hope it all works out well for you both

[Doinmummy]

It sounds a bit odd to me to be honest. As I said before , surely your parents would have known more about him. As you said ....

With regards to the short amount of time I've known him, my parents have known of him since May when he began asking for their permission and blessing to get to know me, they refused many times but he was persistent and wore them down, so they know him pretty well - it's only me that doesn't

Did your parents know who he was or how successful/wealthy he is?

[ivykaty44]

i think you need to be upfront and honest with him - tell him on tuesday that you were curious and so googled him. If he doesn't like that well that would be a bit odd, as he was looking into you long before you knew who he was.

[Doinmummy]

If he was that persuasive towards your parents surely he would have used his wealth and success to convince them to introduce you?

[sarahtigh]

I do not think she is expected to marry in a few weeks but reading between the lines I would expect that a decision would be expected before end of the year or within 6 months at the most and a marriage shortly after, as OP has already indicated a year would be too long culturally