To consider marrying this man for his money?

[PracticalGirl89]

Evening MN,

I've obviously namechanged and I'll try to keep this concise.

Basically, In my culture all girls generally used to have arranged marriages, in the past 60 years or so though, finding your own mate has become more and more common. (Not forced marriage, btw but arranged as in the woman's parents arrange introductions to a series of 'suitable' vetted men and she marries the one she is most compatible with.)

Marriage has not been a priority for me so far as I've been focusing more on university and my career, but I'm 24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life.

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc. He was quite persistent and eventually
my parent's told me about him and would I be interested in speaking with him. I was intrigued, said sure and they gave him my number.

He called me on Friday and introduced himself, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could have dinner. He seemed nice enough and my parents liked him so I agreed, we met up last night and he was lovely- mid 30s, 6'2 , reserved, kind & attractive in a bookish scholar way. He wouldn't talk about his work though, when I asked him what he did for a living he said he was in the medical technology industry but that all he had talked about for the past month was work and he wanted to talk about something different, fair enough. The rest of the evening went well and we made plans to meet again on Tuesday.

I googled him when I came home (as you do) because I had his full name then and found out that his net worth is in the hundreds of millions! I don't want this to be identifiable but I'll say that people in the medical technology industry will have heard of him for sure. He apparently invented some piece of technology, patented it then started his own company at a very young age. He neglected to mention this to either me or my parents and in a small way I feel a bit deceived - when was he going to mention that to me?

I'm feeling conflicted now, I would have seen him again, even if he was just an technician or engineer or whatever because he was a gentleman but the fact that he is rich & driven has swayed me a lot in his favor. Is that insincere? I have read up on him as there are features on him, and his lifestyle is freaking amazing tbh (and I want to be part of that )

Will he think I googled him if I act differently in spite of myself, the next time I see him? Is it wrong for me to decide to marry someone because they are rich?

(I have ideas for a business that I'd like to set up and charities that I'd like to open and all that would be possible if I married this man, if that makes any difference.)

[WorraLiberty]

In most cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, it's all about the money/security.

If you're part of this culture anyway, marrying for money is considered completely normal.

[WorraLiberty]

But I think the seeking you out and going to your parents to ask for your hand in marriage...without having met you/spoken to you first is plain creepy.

I don't think that's particularly normal in any culture.

I'd be wary for that reason alone.

[CoffeeTea103]

You say you are ready for the next step in your life, but your thinking in this situation you are far from marriage. You admitted you are swayed and want to be apart of his amazing lifestyle.
This person doesn't deserve to be used for his money.

[PracticalGirl89]

squitten He doesn't want a stay at home mum/wife, nor do I want to be one. I have worked very hard and I'm just getting started with my career, I can't be inactive at this point as I've recently qualified & it's crucial for me to put in the long hours if I want to get ahead.

Hi, thank you all for replying, I appreciate it & I knew MN would deliver.
With regards to the short amount of time I've known him, my parents have known of him since May when he began asking for their permission and blessing to get to know me, they refused many times but he was persistent and wore them down, so they know him pretty well - it's only me that doesn't.
Also in my particular culture, short engagements are the norm, my parents for example knew each other for a week before they wed and they are still happily married 30+ years later. Same for my other family members.

londonrach I do fancy him, he is attractive and the way he is quiet and respectful appeals to me. Plus I know he is not looking for a quick fling etc. since he has already told my father his intentions and that he wants to marry me if I will have him. He said that without having ever spoken to me.

[Dahlen]

If it were me in your situation I would just bring it all out in the open.

This man went in pursuit of you with the intention of marriage. Love wasn't really the goal of any of this, was it. It was about whether you were suitable wife material. That's actually quite a sensible premise for a marriage, but should make you a little wary. Assessing this in sentimental terms would be just as foolish as marrying someone purely for their money would be mercenary. Just as you may be thinking of the money, he's thinking of you in terms of suitability. Love will be a sweetener, but not the point.

In effect, you are both negotiating a business deal here. Tell him you know what his ultimate bargaining chip is. It takes the power out of it for both of you and will allow you both to see if you genuinely like each other enough to be legally tied for the rest of your lives.

[WorraLiberty]

Also in my particular culture, short engagements are the norm, my parents for example knew each other for a week before they wed and they are still happily married 30+ years later. Same for my other family members.

Yes but I'm also guessing yours is a culture that frowns upon divorce and that many women are completely ostracised for it?

Not quite the same as being happily married, is it?

[PracticalGirl89]

Scaredycat3000 Yes, I deeply regret googling him and I wish I would've waited for him to tell me about what he does in his own time, I feel the whole dynamic will change now.

[WorraLiberty]

Plus I know he is not looking for a quick fling etc. since he has already told my father his intentions and that he wants to marry me if I will have him. He said that without having ever spoken to me.

And you don't think that's a bit creepy?

My advice is have a long relationship and really get to know him before committing.

Yes I know that's not the 'done thing' in your culture, but as you said yourself things are changing.

[HildaOgden]

In some cultures,Worra,that would be seen as being respectful towards the potential in-laws....ie showing that he was interested in their daughter,and not just after a quick fling.I wouldn't read anything more into that...he is just following the traditions that the OP's parents probably followed themselves

OP,there is always another alternative...you could actually set up the businesses/charities yourself.You know,without a man.You could choose that route....although that would obviously require hard work and effort,and not just selling yourself off to a man.

[PracticalGirl89]

WorraLiberty Not at all ostracised! Women marry and divorce and remarry (I'm not from an asian background) The point of the arranged marriage is to find two people with similar religious backgrounds, similar political leanings, similar education level, similar attitude to life/family, similar values, it takes out much of the ambiguity and disagreements you might find after the honeymoon phase is over and you discover you are two incompatible people. Compatibility is the key.

And the women in my family are educated women, they have the means to walk away.

[PracticalGirl89]

I don't find it creepy worraliberty my parents found it a bit forward though, which is why they put him off at first & then waited 4 months to tell me.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I think your conundrum is natural. You were still undecided but liked him. Then you got this bombshell. You maybe can't trust yourself.I would feel the same way. And the fact that you feel conflicted speaks well of you.

I think you can tell him you Googled him, especially if you stress that you need more time to get to really know him. Unless he has this idea that he will only marry a girl who truly doesn't know...but he can't expect that women won't research him.

[Sindarella]

If you marry this man, an it turns out he isn't as nice as he seemed, no amount of money in the world will make you happy.

[PracticalGirl89]

headlesslambrini

Curiosity is a natural emotion. explained that you liked him and wanted to find out more about him before you allowed to get too involved. He has obviously found out about you before he spoken to your parents. Kinda the same thing really.

thank you, headless this is how I'll tell him. I was curious, he was cagey and I wanted to know why.

[Libertine73]

I would get it out in the open, it's natural to be curious especially when he didn't want to talk about his job. obviously your thread title is a bit of, as money does not a marriage make, see how you get on over time, good luck!

[headlesslambrini]

glad to have helped.

[TigerSwallowTail]

Has he said he wants to marry you?

[TigerSwallowTail]

I know he said he'd marry you before, but that was before he had even spoken to you, is he still just as keen?

[PracticalGirl89]

Yes TigerSwallowTail Not to me explicitly but we both knew why we were seeing each other. However he has told my father that he wishes to marry me.

[HarderToKidnap]

What's your cultural background, Practical? I've guessed and am interested to know if I'm right.

My tuppence... He's kind, fanciable and rich. If you still like him in a couple of dates, bloody well marry him!

[motherinferior]

I'm not usually a fan of marriage but I can see the allure, frankly

[fuzzywuzzy]

Make sure money is not the only or the main reason you marry him.

In the event of a divorce would you be happy for this man to have your children for half the time?

Do you see this man as the father of your children?

What is his family like, what are his friends like?

Find out about him as a person rather than his bank blaance, then decide as a whole.

[PracticalGirl89]

Oh, TigerSwallowTail I didn't see your second post before I replied. Yes, when the evening was over, before he took me home he basically said that he was grateful my parents had given him a chance and that he was a man who is direct and knows what he wants when he sees it and but if I wasn't sure of him we could see each other for as long as it takes.

[PracticalGirl89]

HarderToKidnanp I'm Middle-Eastern, 10 points for whoever guessed

[HarderToKidnap]

I was wrong! I guessed Orthodox Jew.