To consider marrying this man for his money?

[PracticalGirl89]

Evening MN,

I've obviously namechanged and I'll try to keep this concise.

Basically, In my culture all girls generally used to have arranged marriages, in the past 60 years or so though, finding your own mate has become more and more common. (Not forced marriage, btw but arranged as in the woman's parents arrange introductions to a series of 'suitable' vetted men and she marries the one she is most compatible with.)

Marriage has not been a priority for me so far as I've been focusing more on university and my career, but I'm 24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life.

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc. He was quite persistent and eventually
my parent's told me about him and would I be interested in speaking with him. I was intrigued, said sure and they gave him my number.

He called me on Friday and introduced himself, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could have dinner. He seemed nice enough and my parents liked him so I agreed, we met up last night and he was lovely- mid 30s, 6'2 , reserved, kind & attractive in a bookish scholar way. He wouldn't talk about his work though, when I asked him what he did for a living he said he was in the medical technology industry but that all he had talked about for the past month was work and he wanted to talk about something different, fair enough. The rest of the evening went well and we made plans to meet again on Tuesday.

I googled him when I came home (as you do) because I had his full name then and found out that his net worth is in the hundreds of millions! I don't want this to be identifiable but I'll say that people in the medical technology industry will have heard of him for sure. He apparently invented some piece of technology, patented it then started his own company at a very young age. He neglected to mention this to either me or my parents and in a small way I feel a bit deceived - when was he going to mention that to me?

I'm feeling conflicted now, I would have seen him again, even if he was just an technician or engineer or whatever because he was a gentleman but the fact that he is rich & driven has swayed me a lot in his favor. Is that insincere? I have read up on him as there are features on him, and his lifestyle is freaking amazing tbh (and I want to be part of that )

Will he think I googled him if I act differently in spite of myself, the next time I see him? Is it wrong for me to decide to marry someone because they are rich?

(I have ideas for a business that I'd like to set up and charities that I'd like to open and all that would be possible if I married this man, if that makes any difference.)

[sittinginthesun]

My initial gut feeling was that you should be upfront, but having thought about it more, I think you could just meet him again, see if you still like him and, if yes, marry him!

It's different rules. He's obviously made enquiries etc about you, and appears to know a lot about you. Why shouldn't you do the same about him?!?

If you fancy him, and like him, then keep quiet and marry him.

[PracticalGirl89]

WorraLiberty, we don't consider it rocking up to a pair of strangers in my culture, it is seen as something normal...it is how things are done,
He doesn't want my family to accept him based on his finances. He wasn't dishonest/shady in the way he said it worra, it was more I work at X, it's a consulting firm that does xxxxx etc. I've been there for x years, my role is x, I have attended university x I am divorced and have no children and so on. My parents knew his full 'tribal' name but his business name is anglicized and his work is unknown to anyone outside his industry.

FabregeEgg You've never known anyone this wealthy before and it's unsettling

It is unsettling, I feel like I'm somehow not good enough.

[PracticalGirl89]

I don't mean not good enough really, more how can I keep up, I don't know anything about that lifestyle, my family is very very average and I'm worried he will think I'm a country mouse.

[PracticalGirl89]

worraliberty no rat worra, I'm trying to be deliberately vague with the details so it is not identifiable.

[fuzzywuzzy]

It's actually normal in our culture as we don't date, the guys side will usually find out about the girl from her work in the community/charity/college and will have seen her at weddings or social gatherings and will find out more thro female relatives.

Then if she seems like they will be compatible he will express his intention to marry her ot the girls parnets and then get to know the girl and then the couple will decide in possibly a few motnhs of meetings and conversations whether they want ot be married or not.

It's far more clinical and a lot less romantic, but it's a way of meeting a likeminded potential spouse.

[LessMissAbs]

I'm more intrigued by the dichotomy between your multiple references to charities work and your asking strangers whether you should marry for money. Both are designed to impress random third parties, but what do you do as an individual that makes you interesting/impressive?

But, yes, why not marry for money? A few women do, or at least try to. Do try and make sure you've got a job in place in case it doesn't work out. Marrying a wealthy man becomes boring after a while and it can almost be worth trying to prove yourself as an individual, because everyone will assume you get an easy ride through life.

[Applefallingfromthetree2]

Well let's hope he doesn't get wind of the fact that he is being discussed on MN by all and sundry-almost grounds for divorce before you start!

[Scarletohello]

One thing I would add. You said your career is v important to you and you will need to put the hours in to progress. Is he going to be willing to allow you to do this or will he want to have a family soon? If he has so much money maybe he won't see the need for you to work? It's an important thing to agree on before considering marriage...

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, when you met did you talk about why he had sought you out? How he came to even have heard of you, to seek you out?

[PracticalGirl89]

Pretty much as fuzzywuzzy says. That is how approx 60% of my married friends got married.

Applefalling He won't as I've changed some details around but the basic premise is true i.e. marrying for money.

[PracticalGirl89]

LessMissAbs I am not impressive at all I'm a normal woman, in fact I don't think I've met more than 10 truly impressive people my whole life.

Scarletohello that is something we will have to discuss, but seeing as he had an opportunity to make something of himself and follow his dreams I am sure he won't deny me the same.

[Gwlondon]

I think you need to find out if he has a generous spirit. He might have wealth but if he is not generous with his time, money, affection etc you might be very sad and lonely.

Can you ask some of your family to meet some of his family so that they can get a feel of the situation?

[Gwlondon]

Don't worry about keeping up with the lifestyle because if he is nice he will help you!

[PracticalGirl89]

Gwlondon That is the plan, but first I want to get a feel of him myself, to see if it is worth meeting each others family and friends.
My parent's have met him, though and they like him. My father is a good judge of character and he has never been wrong about someone. If they saw fit to introduce him to me then I'm sure he someone who is good.

[PracticalGirl89]

to everyone who answered me, thank you all so much, I appreciate it.
I'm off to bed now. Thanks again

[Inertia]

Bearing in mind that he knew of you before he met you , I don't think he'd have any grounds for complaint about you researching his background. I think you need to be honest about that, perhaps referring to his career success rather than his money.

You also need to establish what each of you is looking for in a partner before you think about marriage, to ensure that you have matching plans and priorities.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I think you are beating yourself up a little bit unnecessarily, OP. You are not considering marrying him for his money; you are considering marrying him, full stop.

You met him knowing that he already wanted to marry you and that your parents had vetted him ("My father is a good judge of character"). You said that you are "24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life". You found him gentlemanly and were willing to meet him again, with both of you considering the other as a spouse. All this was in place before you googled him.

Can you maybe just consider that you can tick the 'financially viable' box and concentrate on what else you require for compatibility? Personally I would tell him that you are now aware of his wealth, having googled him from curiosity (as any sensible person would), and understand why he downplayed it. And then see where it goes from there.

[AGnu]

I actually think it is kinda romantic! I've had stuck in my head all day after my church was talking about Jericho this morning. Sorry, completely irrelevant but this thread reminded me of that!

I think YWBU to marry him based solely on his money, although I totally get that feeling. My PILs are much better off than my parents & I was... intrigued/excited... Not sure what the right word is when I found out but now it's pretty much a non-issue & not relevant to why I married him.

FWIW, if I were in your position, I'd bring it up as soon as I next saw him. I think the best way to handle it is humility & honesty. Admit that you googled him, explain why, what you found & how you felt about it & especially that you felt conflicted about what to do next. Perhaps apologise for cyber-stalking him & ask to continue seeing him so you can get to know him for who he is, regardless of what he has. You never know, he might be impressed by your initiative, enthusiasm, honesty & humility!

[KaFayOLay]

Umm, nobody is 'just' a technician or an engineer and nobody should be defined by their job.

[Teapigging]

OP, assuming Google is correct, and this man is Mr Big, good-looking, pleasant, insanely wealthy and successful, and could have his pick of a large number of women, why you? Not being snide, but you should be asking yourself that question, too, surely...?

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

I also belong to a culture where arranged marriages are the norm. Mine was arranged. We did have all the romance and excitement of a new relationship though and we did fall headily in love- but it all happened after marriage. Seems strange to those who are not used to it, but honestly, it works in our families.

OP, I don't think you marry him for his money at all. Absolute no no. You will be with this man for what you'd like to be forever , giving him your life and love and soul. There are muh more important things I consider than money. Character, nobility, sense of humour, intelligence,values, compassion, chivalry, honesty, shared interests and of course, physical attraction. Money is undeniably important but not THE reason to marry someone.

Would you like it if a man married you for your money?

[Mimishimi]

Are you attracted to him though? If something were to happen to the money and he lost it all (failed venture, unscrupulous partners etc) would he still be someone that you would love, find interesting and attractive ? I'd be a bit concerned that he thought you had the qualities he wanted in a wife without really knowing you at all. Also, from experience with friends, him having a lot of money does not necessarily mean you will have access to that - he might be the sort that asks you to show him every receipt etc, gives an 'allowance' etc. I'd give it some time and try to get to know him, and his motives, a bit better.

[ChickenLickenSticken]

Ahh it's a shame money seems to have come into the equation really! Don't let it cloud your feelings op (though hard not too). Keep us posted on how things go!

[RedHelenB]

I think I must be abnormal cos marrying that amount of money would have me running for the hills! My ex knew about me for a year before he engineered a way to speak to me so not necessarily creepy!

Big thing for me if it is a "true" bit is why did he divorce?

And are you 100% sure he is the main man at the company & you're not putting 2 + 2 together & coming out with 5? Could be embarrassing!