to think that single parents are a race from another planet?

[wokeupwithasmile]

I am with my newborn all day and at 6pm (some most days even earlier) I start counting down the minutes until dh comes home. As soon as he is there I give him ds and take a break run and hide.

At weekends I let dh kill his back carrying the baby around and entertaining him. Not that I go to the hairdresser. In the meantime I clean, cook, do the laundry, buy whatever we need, and so on and so on.

Last night I had food poisoning. I was vomiting in the bathroom when ds woke up and dh went to cuddle him. I was shaking, vomiting, unable to stand, etc. It would have taken super powers for me to go and cuddle him then.

I LOVE my baby, but it is fricking hard and I need another person to help me do it! ...and I am not hoping that it gets better in a year or two...

I am in awe at single parents who do it all by themselves, it must be the hardest thing ever, no?

[burberryqueen]

awww thanks for all the flowers everyone (sniffs)

[rindercella]

You know what OP, thank you! It IS bloody hard sometimes, and relentless and exhausting. But somehow you do just have to get on with it; as so many have said, there is no choice.

[BornToFolk]

I am ordinary. Really ordinary. Shit just happens and you deal with it because you have no choice.

I totally agree. I did bristle a bit at being described as being from another planet, cos I'm just completely ordinary. I'm just doing the best for my DS under whatever circumstances life throws at us. I'm not a super-woman, I don't get it right all the time but I'm doing my best and DS frequently tells me that I'm the best mum in the universe so that's enough for me!

I never thought I could be a single parent but I ended up not having a lot of choice in the matter so I just had to get on with it.

It can be hard, but then so can dealing with an abusive/crap partner, or being ill yourself or having a child with additional needs, or dealing with poverty...or any number of other circumstances.

[SlobAtHome]

I think the only things I find actually difficult is loneliness at night, and knowing that you will never ever get a break. If I could just get a break once a month in my own home that would be lovely, but you know you will never get that, ever.

[impecuniousmarmoset]

I'm with Pag, sorry, though I know you meant well. I got this said to me a lot when DS was born 14 weeks early, and it really felt like it was a proxy for saying 'well this could never happen to me, because bad stuff only happens to other people', and it was quite depressing. Dealing with adversity unfortunately doesn't put you on another planet - appalling stuff can and does happen to anyone.

[rindercella]

Bad stuff does just happen to other people though. Until it happens to you, and then - somehow - you deal with it.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I've got to heads, me...

the sentiment is apprecited...

you might not be so impressed though if you saw the state of the flat, that I am currently ignoring and should be tidying...

oh and it has it's compensations. ds is extremely talented at doiung vomitting impressions after preferring to be with a vommitting mummty than c beebies.

[Pagwatch]

I think it's a good thread actually. There are a few shitty comments but mostly it's really interesting to see other people talking about this stuff.

It's easy to see people in different circumstances as 'other' and not think through the nitty gritty of their lives. I have never been a lone parent but reading posts from the lone parents on here help me be more useful to my friends who are I think.

[Pagwatch]

I'm so sorry Meglet.
Is the chance of a move nearer to your mum likely. Even one bit of support near by makes the world of difference.

[happybubblebrain]

I am a single parent with no support. I haven't had a day off for 7 years pretty much. And I often feel I would love a break but that isn't going to happen so I just get on with it. I also work nearly full-time. I've had lots of stresses thrown at me from the ex, family and work over the years, I try and ignore it all as best as I can. I don’t even dare to get ill.

Everything gets easier the older children get. I am lucky that I only have one child. I'm also lucky that I don't have any financial worries. I am always aware that there are many in much worse situations with harder lives than me. I choose to be happy with the little family I have and don't let the hard work bother me

[ainsleysballs]

I'm a single parent and I do appreciate positive comments. I've had more support than others in terms of practical support but financially I've had to rely on benefits with no maintenance at times. I don't think it's as simply as 'you just deal with it' because I certainly didn't at times, I came near to having a breakdown and certainly didn't do the basics that were mentioned in the OP (cooking, cleaning, going to cuddle my dc).

Other single mum friends have had to give up work, had their dc stay with relatives or one I know has had to be sectioned due to drug abuse and dc gone into foster care. Others I know have just got together with the first man they can find so they aren't having to cope on their own. Not that any of that makes them less of a parent, but not everyone can just get on with it, sometimes it does break them and they just can't carry on by themselves. I've come close to it but it's taken an enormous amount of strength, I was in a relationship at one stage with someone who could have provided a more stable/material lifestyle but I wasn't actually in love with and it was tempting to just go down that path to make my life easier.

[Lilka]

I'm a single mum of 3 by choice (although with massive age gaps, so I only have 2 at home now). My two older ones have or have had significant emotional/behavioural/mental health issues. I've never parented with a partner and I can only imagine what that would be like

Being a single mum has hard points, having to cope with really tough days (and all days) essentially alone (although I do have great support from other people). Being single has some hard points, especially feeling lonely sometimes.

But I did choose this, with my eyes wide open, and overall I'm happy being a single parent. Being a single mum has plus points too, it's great sometimes. And being a mum full stop is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

So basically I don't think I deserve praise or anything. I'm doing something I chose to and don't regret it.

And even if being a single mum is the result of shit times, shit times happen to most people at some point in their lives, and people are stronger than they think. The majority of people cope and shoulder on with what life throws. Humans are very resilient overall

[DalmationDots]

Agree with pagwatch, I think you are trying to sound nice but it would be better left unsaid, that would be even nicer.

No they aren't from a different planet but they are made to feel like it by patronising comments which can come across a bit smug.

[Lilka]

Not saying that everyone copes well though, obviously, and I'm sure people who are struggling would really appreciate positive comments

There is still, especially now, a bit of stigma and bad associations to being a single mum. I get that, the 'you must be on benefits' (I claim a few benefits, but am employed), 'you're really selfish to CHOOSE this, think of the children' (I did, that's why I did this)

It's nice to be getting positive comments, not judgement

[DalmationDots]

Sorry, posted that in the heat of the moment. Others have explained it much better. Ignore me!

[CosmicForce]

I think it is very nice of you to take the time to write this to give single parents a smile...I was one and yes, it was hard and there were no breaks (no family nearby to help etc), and I now have another child with my DH and with his help it IS so much easier.

I also feel for those in relationships with partners who don't help and take no responsibility for their own children, because THEY are the ones who have the hardest job of all.

[happybubblebrain]

I don't mind people praising the hard work I do. I will take it in the good way it was intended. I am very proud of what I have achieved, and if someone wants to acknowlege that on mn then great. I think I cope better than a lot of a lot of married parents, in fact I know I do, because I hear them complaining about their kids all the time on facebook and moaning on about having to do stuff.

If I'm from another planet, it's a planet called 'not willing to put up with shit from men'.

[Fifi2406]

I definitely don't think the OP meant it in a patronising way and i'm not offended by her phrases just don't like it being said as we are all just mums! I did have a lady say to me when her husband was away for 4 nights "I keep thinking I cant do it then I think of you and saying to myself oh well it could be worse I could be a single parent like you" that I found really offensive and told her to man up (and wanted to poke her in the eye!!)

A lot of women do themselves an injustice by saying they couldn't do something when if they had to face it you would give it a really good go and I don't think I have it any harder than anyone else being a mum full stop is just tough sometimes!

[Pagwatch]

@ happybubblebrain and Planet 'not willing to put up with shit from men'

[thegreylady]

My dh calls it 'eating up your nice warm tripe'! In other words you have to get on with what life throws at you.You don't even 'do your best' because most of the time you are too tired to work out the best and just do what you do.I was older when I was widowed and my dc were school age but it was still hard work.

[themaltesefalcon]

If I'm from another planet, it's a planet called 'not willing to put up with shit from men'.

Love it!

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I can see from your further posts that you meant it genuinely and kindly as a compliment to single parents.

I do totally agree with Pagwatch though that the phrasing initially used is by people as a way of being helpful and alienating:

• distancing themselves, making you into a special breed of person, different from others
• implying there is a choice in 'not coping' or an easier way someone can choose if they want

It really rings true for me as I became disabled at the same time as becoming a single mother, and so i get frequently the 'oh it must be so hard,I don't know how you do it, you're amazing / an inspiration'

Interestingly, OP, you clearly say you wouldn't say the same to someone who'd lost a leg or similiar. Believe me, you are a lovely minority! The 'it was meant to be / things don't happen unless it's for a reason/ blah fucking blah'

And I Guarentee the more fulsome the praise and especially if it goes into 'you are a role model' or 'you are so much stronger than me' or 'you're the most amazing person I've ever met'... The more I can be certain that person has no intention of ever offering to help or just be a shoulder to cry on. Nope, those people want you nicely out of the way, up on a pedestal where you cannot touch their lives, or conscience, or be in any way 'the same' as you.

I can see this thread (but not you, OP!), has led others to the same feelings. It's such a tricky one, I don't want to ever stop someone from complimenting me (!) but, when some people say stuff like that, they don't mean it in a nice or helpful way.

Pagwatch says it perfectly here:

^'you are great. I couldn't do what you do. You are just awesome' tends to be from the people who then walk briskly in the other direction, comfortable in the knowledge that I am a 'special mum' so it was my destiny.^

[HHH3]

No offence taken OP.

I have DS1 who is 9 and spends 50% of his time with his dad. And DS2 who is 9mo who's dad died. I just get on with it. What other choice do I have? Just lay down and give up? And then what happens to the boys?

I understand what the OP is saying and appreciate it. It's when people IRL say this that I find hard. I want to scream 'well, give me a hand then'! Apart from 2.5hrs a week that I pay for I get no time off at all. It doesn't matter if I'm ill or tired - there's no-one else to help. I appreciate that they're being kind and complimenting me but I didn't want this, didn't choose it and I'd rather someone watched DS2 for an hour so I could have a break than compliment me.

That probably sounds awful - not sure I've explained that very well

[KellyElly]

Thank you . I don't find your comments patronising at all.

[RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown]

I find attempts at compliments like this to be a bit uncomfortable because somewhere behind it is the unspoken or subconscious "thank god its not me". And it grates me when people say things like "I don't know how I'd cope" and "I couldn't do it". I feel like screaming YOU'D FUCKING HAVE TO SO YOU WOULD, JUST LIKE WE ALL DO.